30 09 2009

Vision can be strong, powerful, and uncomfortable for the uninitiated.  It is strong because if truth is involved, as in a benevolent positive life force, goosebumps, energy shaking etc can occur.  It can be uncomfortable because our bodies may not be used to having positive energy surge through.

Vision can also be ignored, pooh poohed, and forgotten.  Crabs in a bucket have a tendency to reach up and grab other crabs trying to escape.  If we find ourselves in a group of people going about their lives in a way that they feel comfortable and used to, then someone coming along and saying, “Hey, I’ve got an idea.”  Is not always what they want to hear.

Vision is a glass ceiling and walls I’ve bumped into all my life with bipolar and been clueless for many years as to how and why I keep getting these bruises.  The biggest gift from having eyes and a soul wide open to potential around us and in us is the beauty of seeing the good in life, in others, in our futures.  It is my experience with bipolar that a certain aspect of me is hardwired to this reality.  No matter how many times I’ve given up and collapsed back into my cave or turned my back on vision of good, some part some chord some aspect of the me/soul that I am always sees the good.  I am very grateful for this.

It is Vision, and the actions towards positive visions and outcomes that have kept me alive through all the dark times, and allowed me to alter the course of my life into bigger and bigger, more fun playgrounds adventures and experiences.  At first I thought it was impossible to have big dreams and bring them to fruition.  Until I learned practical steps in manifestation.  Steps like writing out the ideas, collecting pictures, talking with trusted friends, putting everything on the fridge or inside the locker at work.

Because I was in such a dark space for so long before I ever heard about visions, the manifestation process, and taking babysteps towards dreams, I was hugely willing to run at my dreams to make a difference in my life.  I thank spirit everyday for visions now.  Every one I have completed has given me great satisfaction courage and strength to continue working towards improving the internal and external quality of my life and those I love.

When I run across naysayers and crabs in a bucket, I smile.  I quietly go about my business of vision making.  Time has often given me the gift of circling back with naysayers and crabs from buckets I used to live in and the reactions are usually, “You lucky crab”, or “George how the heck did you pull that one off?”  I smile.  If I could wave my magic wand and let the people who don’t currently see their vision have a burning desire as much as I have then I know it whatever it currently may be, wouldn’t matter.

Healthy visions, and daily steps towards working on them is a vital step towards consciously thriving with bipolar.

“Clear your energy, Honor your rhythm, Live your Vision.”


Spiritual Retreats

29 09 2009

“Every human potential workshop I have ever attended has altered the course of my life in a positive direction.” pg 45 in my book Living Out of Darkness.

I’ve discovered a unique blend and flavor of people on this planet that comes from all walks of life and I like to call them my tribe.  We meet in spiritual workshops and go on journeys all over the planet.  It is in these groups that my healing journey began, healed and continues to, and continues to uplift and support me into my bigger and bigger visions.  How can I express gratitude for such an incredible experience and such a huge group of people?

I’m still buzzing from a retreat I just attended.  It was in an area of the planet that was sheer energy.  I slept maybe 2 or 3 hrs a night, and did nothing by hum in raw energy.  It was intense it was wonderful, and it was glorious to experience from the inside out.  It is exactly why I never want to use medications to treat my bipolar.   Because of my years of study and practice for how to stay grounded enough and functional enough to interact with others and formats, when I come into incredible amounts of natural energy that is on the planet, I can be with it, and not have to control, numb out, act out, deny or be clueless as to what is going on.

I used to freak out because I didn’t know what was going on with my body.  But now I can allow it to surge through me and use it to see more clearly what is really going on around me, to be able to speak what I see, and move where I need to be.

Retreats with like minded individuals and authentic spiritual leaders are a peak experience for me.  There is little worry about judgement or activity I’m not interested in, the food is excellent and healthy and the locations I chose are peaceful.

My experience many years ago of self regulating through drugs and alcohol, morphed into a hell I will never forget.  Spiritual Retreats are the exact opposite.  With a focussed healthy bipolar practice  they morph into a slice of heaven.  To be able to be comfortable in my power, to be able to see what’s going on inside of me, and to have a conscious healthy format to contribute my voice to what I see is going on in others, is a true gift I could never find enough gratitude or ways to express my thanks.  It is such a huge relief to be able to be in the grounded high mode, and be of service to others.  It feels like exactly what I was designed as a bipolar person to be.  It is exactly why if you are bipolar I couldn’t ask you more sincerely to consider starting or continuing your journey with spiritual retreats.  It may be a little weird at first until you learn the ropes of what is and what is not appropriate, and or find the groups that work for you.  But once you do, I think you will find a home, and ever expanding groups of people that can see you as you are naturally in a functional way, and individuals that can give you the kind of support you need if your cycle goes down again.

It is the flip side of retreats, figuring out how to ease yourself back into life without too much of an upset.  I’ve found sceduling an extra week with no obligations is best so that all the visions and ideas that pop out have a period of time to get grounded and baby steps began to capture them.  With visions grounded in baby steps and a plan, I have something to focus my energy on and the joy of bringing my high state to tangible reality.  This is exactly what gives me hope if I find myself in the cave trying to crawl back into the sunshine.   It is probably the most important crucial element of a successful spiritually engaged bipolar journey.

Bottom line.  There is huge amounts of support for your bipolar journey available if you set an intention to find it, and go for it.

In deep peace and gratitude this day,


Grounded Grandiosity

22 09 2009

It’s been fun watching myself stress out lately.  ?  Yep.  Inside me there is a core, a deep core of peace.  Attached from the bottom of this sea buoy of me in my life is a chord to a mission, a purpose, a vision, a reason for being.  The experts call this visions of grandiosity.  Yep, that’s me.  Always have been a visionary.

Inspite of my downs, inspite of my nuerosis between the ears at times, inside me, long ago, I made peace with what I wanted to do in this life and how.  I am grateful for this.  As the waters are turbulent bringing the current details of my dreams to reality, I forget this sometimes.  Because I seek the spiritual truths, the questions, because I feel destroyed, humbled(not humble), on a regular basis, I also realign myself with truth.  What is really going on, what am I really freaked out about what can I actually do next in this moment to improve the situation.  This is pretty normal for me.  My attention span for numbing out ignoring my life passion mission and purpose is very limited.  I observe appearently stable minded individuals ignore their life.  This is not something I can do.  When I ignore that which is needed and important, I go down fast.  Dark fast.  Because I have spent so much time in that dark chamber in my soul, it doesn’t take long to figure out something is off, I’m in need of action towards truth.

Fortunately life moves even when I’m in a cave, as I move in life, sparks occur.  A twinkle, a faint glow, a whisper of wisdom or truth.  I’ve trained my eye and aligned my life so that when the spark of vision occurs, I’m ready to grasp, hold on with all I’ve got, and run towards it as best I can.  This is the miracle of the bipolar journey for me.  The spark which leads out of the current unpleasant dark states into the visions of grandeur again.  Because I’ve dedicated so much time to being functional with my visionary states, they become grounded and real, time and again.  This is the journey, the juice, that which I am so grateful for to be bipolar.  Going down, being down, dark miserable is no fun, but grabbing the chord of truth leading into the light, and working the visions into tangible realities is the joy.

“Passion and truth are like food and water for a bipolar person. Without them, we are lost or numb. We really can check out any time we want, blow a gasket going too high, or sink into the dirt, lost forever. But if we stay connected with planet Earth and this life, with what we can do right here, right now, then we can have a reason to hang out for longer periods of time in the middle ground.”, George Denslow

Breathe on the inside

21 09 2009

“Why could I possibly be having a bad day on a day like today?”  pg 60 of my book Living Out Of Darkness.

Bipolar is so much easier when I’m in the smooth flow and things are going great.  Why can’t I be this way all the time.  Why? Why?  Why?  That’s the weird thing.  Things are going great, yet I wake up moody, grumpy, and unmotivated.  Is this common?  According to some stats yes.  Options are to fight the blues, do the routine, and be grateful for obligations which help get us going and back in the flow.  Darkness is so much easier to ignore when we are busy.

Why not just figure it out?  Well that’s a good question pilgrim, I’ll just get out my handy dandy journal and write it out.

A friend of mine once said he actually found the end of the internet and printed out a certificate(his job was even more extremely boring then mine at times).

Days like today, I think blah blah blah.  Same roots different layers of the onions, or different spiral on the staircase, view on the trail going around the mountain.

My success tip of the day.  Baby steps.  My homework assignment, watch “All About Bob”, again.  He was a total neurotic that used baby steps in order to get out of his house, going on a trip, and succeed in life, inspite of the space between his ears.  I watch this movie when I get like this.  Baby steps.  Pack up computer, get to car, go to coffee store.  Expose your inner neurotic tight rope walking self.  Is a holistic bipolar experience easy.  NOPE.

This would be a good ad placement opportunity for the latest miracle cure in a pill.

Alas.  I’m way to independent, have chalked up to many victories/experiences, to being my whole neurotic chemical free self to worry about have comfortable feeling days inside myself.  These happen.  So what.  Good days, distractions, obligations are coming, and if my past several days or weeks is any indicator I could be blissed out on gratitude for life real quick(and those moments don’t get advertised enough).  Could I just have my highs and let go of the lows?, would I, probably, but how would I know so well the experience of calm peace flow gratitude for basic sanity if I didn’t have days of total dark blah?

This is the gift.  I wade through the muck, and the sun will soon shine again.

Peace out


Surf Sessions

18 09 2009

It’s a new day, a new place, and an awesome cup a coffee.

A good friend of mine pointed out the other day that maybe I was cravin a bit of Adventure.

The first day I timidly took my moody self on a slightly adventurous road trip and discovered several awesome really cool new places near my house and some very peaceful places to pull over be mellow and enjoy nature.

I woke up again yesterday and realized I’ve got something going on deep inside me that hasn’t risen to the surface yet.  I pay attention to these bubbles because I know from experience if I avoid them, then a deep dark trigger, runaway high is just around the corner, not a natural visionary high but a run run escape be high avoid growth type which can turn very negative.

When I deal with these rumblings inside me, I need to sit and listen.  Sometimes being in my quiet safe house is healthy and I work through it.  Sometimes it becomes isolation and avoidance as well.

This time I chose the road trip cure.  Since my income is not attached to a local, I can work anywhere with wi fi, I loaded up and went for a cruise to a state park I haven’t visit yet.

Letting myself enjoy the day of new sights smells and vistas is usually always a good way for me to gently probe on the back burners of my mind.

In the midst of processing the current what ever it is that’s showing up, I’m having an awesome day.

A new beach, new smells, interesting people, a great little coffee shop, and nothing like fresh Atlantic sea air.

Every now and then a deep spontaneous sigh has come through me, and my body relaxes just a little more, and I can tell my mind is slowing and being a little ok for a moment as well.  Is it easy? Not really, would I rather take a pill and fix it? Not really.

My intuition tells me it is accumulated stress from making so many leaps with my dreams, not having everything figured out, and just flat out going for it and saying yes.  I have many gambles in the air right now.  I’m reaching out more then I ever have to offer who and what I am as a source of good.

So I also hear the gentle voice inside me say, it’s ok to sit.  It’s ok to meditate, it’s ok to ask spirit to help.

It’s also ok to be nervous excited and happy to be see experience long term go-alls come to fruition.

Balance.  Time to sit, time to wag my tail, time to let go let spirit.

Being in a dream, with my toes in the surf;


Bipolar Dreams

16 09 2009

I like taking online self study positive metaphysics courses.  As I have been bored with my current funk and ready to crawl out and engage with life again I’ve been doing my current course.  Some lessons grab me, some not.  I like the daily shot in the positive of perspective outside of my little head.  Todays lesson was about writing out an ideal life type scenario.  I love dong this because I am an awesome creative writer thanks to bipolar and a deep desire over the years to figure out just what the heck is going on and why.  Writing as a healing modality is very powerful.  I can be in the most foul of moods, somehow find the motivation to do my next lesson or even just journal, and either the creativity of writing out something new, or allowing what’s really bugging/causing my avoidance to come out on paper transforms me.  It’s so simple yet so easy not to do.  500 pound pencils and paper are difficult, or maybe nowadays it’s lifting the screen on my laptop.

So anyway.  My writing exercise today was describing in detail what my next ideal life would look like.  I had a lot of fun with it.  Makes my toes tingle and a smile errupted on my face.  House on the secluded beach quiet spot to watch the sunrise, bicycle ride to a cafe, lunch with a friend, etc.

Dreams.  Dreams.  Dreams.  Dreams play a huge role in my recovery and ongoing thriving with bipolar.  By having dreams, thinking them up with my creative mind, I can get through any kind of boring drudgery.  By knowing my dreams I can hang on no matter what when things are dark inside me.  By hanging on to these dreams through struggling times, when the road clears a bit I’ve been able to make progress and live in them because I know what I want before the opportunity shows up.  I don’t hesitate when a dream opportunity shows up, because I remember all the times in mental hell when all I could think about was that dream.  I think I’ve experienced, lived inside actual dreams of mine so many times, because I am bipolar.  Because I’ve created and wanted them so bad, because things didn’t go so well for so many years, I had coiled a lot of energy inside me to really go for it with nothing to lose, when a dream showed up.  If things always went ho hum or comfortably or my mind just went about it’s merry way throughout life, would I go for it when dreams arrived?  Either way I am deeply grateful for the whole process.  And today, I’m quietly giggling because I know spirit will allow me to create my next set of dreams in a way that serves a greater purpose of good then I can imagine.  Bipolar, because of a racing mind, active imagination, ability to live in a dream before they are real, are all gifts and an opportunity to live a very full life.

me in cave

15 09 2009

cave is nice.  I like cave.  hmmph.  cave is comfortable.  I do cave when done with world for bit.  i see many people in cave but they don’t know they are in a cave in their head.  people avoid cave time be angry all time.  cave time get boring eventually, then I go be happy again.  sometimes I get spiritual in cave and discover gold in soul and get excited and want to share.  sometime i get lonely in cave and miss connection with people and spirit so I come out again.  I allow cave because I honor rhythm.  when I honor rhythm, I’m not avoiding anger, or creating false happy, i’m just allowing antennas to relax.  allowing input box to be closed.  enough info in, need to process.  I’m not processing info consciously while I play my xbox, but I’m aware it’s going on in back of mind.  I have to be careful in cave because it is dark, so I must enjoy myself in cave with safe activities.  tv, movies, games. comfortable.  cave is soothing.  bipolar is so extremely sensitive, so intense information processing, I need allow create time like this for myself when I have no obligations.  I like doing this after work travel or long shifts.  sometimes all I need is a day, sometimes a week.  If I allow my batteries to discharge and recharge on their own, I wake up, and I’m ok again.  I want to engage in the world again in a positive way.  When I keep struggling with the world when I’m actually a savage walking around in the cave in my head I get stupid and cause damage.  When i allow the mad man in me be undisturbed my fangs retract, my claws relax and I’m able to be human again.

“Clear your energy, honor your rhythm, live your vision,”  from my book  Living Out Of Darkness.

Caveman G

Wag Wag

11 09 2009

Bipolar and traveling can be FUUUN!  With an active healthy flowing internal bipolar experience, traveling is a blast.  I’m a happy dog sniffing exploring sensing chasing.  With so much freed up creative energy in me, I have a huge craving for taking in new things all the time.  Long ago I used to try and homogonize, fit in, adjust, etc., life was boring and I was often disruptive.  When I learned to accept that my internal juices love to dance, all the time any time I can in any whichever direction I choose.  IE, I love freeeeeedom, life got funer, BIG TIME.

At first finances, jobs, living situations were restrictive.  So I changed up my daily routine.  When I first started my daily routine I used to have a certain order, do this, do that, and then zzzzzzz. But it was actually a form of stability for me for awhile that helped me to fit in a bit when I needed to.  Then one day when things were going fairly well(I was adjusting to a job and regular income) I was bored with my routine and did things different, and eventually threw it out completely.  I just knew if I did certain things, things would go and smell better.

My thinking on the inside has evolved on a similiar path.  As I grew up, and for several years after I was diagnosed.  Life was anything but stable.  I was a constant disruptive roller coaster.  After I got a clue that I was actually quite different, and this other group of people played by certain rules, I was pissed.  Why couldn’t everyone be creative, goofy, weird and fun.  Why couldn’t every body see and speak the truth.  Why, Why Why.

fast forward.

Wag Wag.  I got a secret.  Even though I have a job, regular income, house, daily showers etc.(learned to play with normal tribe), I am anything but on the inside, and I have manifested lots of  time and money to play

BECAUSE, all of these years of learning to play with the normies, I kept the creative dreamer inside of me alive no matter what.

Didn’t matter how bad how dark how long the crappy times were, I always tried to keep a candle lit somewhere in me of dreams and what I would/could do if.

Guess What.

Life is Gooooood.

ok I smell something strange I gotsa to go investigate…



Bipolar Humor

10 09 2009

I get wacky when I’m tired stressed and in need of me down cave time.  If I’ve watched a movie with an ascent, or heard one recently it jumps into my mouth and soon dat es Onle way, I kan speek!!

My coworkers loooook at me strangely, AAAnd, I kontinue to speek lik dis.

I’m expressing creativity, having fun, keeping my brain occupied on a harmless pursuit of coming up with the next thing to say.

Most times people laugh or grin.  When I supress my energy and ideas, I can get angry or depressed easily.  When I find OKay waays to espreeess, me self din I”MM Fine.

SSSoo I hopes yous enjoyed me silly mind des evenin.

, ~ ‘)


Plop Plop fizz Fizz

9 09 2009

Words.  The wonderful world of words and bipolar.  Because my mind can go so fast sometimes I can often see the option of five or six word per word location in a sentence.  This is then thought of as bad.  WHY????  I ask it’s so fun.  It’s one of the reasons I’m so excited about the texting world showing up and taking over the english language.  We can now communicate so many more thoughts in such few symbols.  So I say celebrate fast minds multiple tangents and active creativity.  I love letting it flow like right now.  This morning no way was I going to write a blog.  Many things were occurring/and I was dark and moody.  But I got up, and took on the multiple challenges of the day, 1 at a time.

When I get really jammed up.  All kinds of obligations etc going on, and my defenses are low because I’ve been so busy.  My practices is to stay focussed on only the task at hand.  I trust spirit to guide me/remind me what is next.  And for the most part it works great.  In fact I was so focussed one task to the next all day, I don’t think I could tell you even if I tried all that I did.  but i d o know that I”m no longer dark and moody, I stayed focussed on solutions rather then negativity, and my brain was thoroughly exercised today.

This is why when my pillow calls to me on days like today, when my captain informs me my flight will be landing with or without my input on location(ie, body is going down for nap time)

I like to say…

PLOP Plop fizzzz…..

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