Huffing and puffing

17 04 2010

I just wrote a bunch of crap for my blog and deleted it.  What’s really going on, what do I really want to create with my life today?

I read Alan’s entry, How Easy Can It Get?  April 17th., from his book A Daily Dose of Sanity.

What’s really going on?  I’m off my healthy physical routine, I’m wanting to slip back into old mental patterns and behaviors, and when I’m reading positive stuff about divine order and have faith I blow it off or dismiss it.

These are indicators to me that something deeper is shifting and ready to pop.  I can continue to ignore or run from it, or I can allow it to unfold and happen.  When I dig around in my own mind for answers it’s easy to get lost and negative, so I let it be easy.  I am simply aware today that something is going on below the surface, and I gently ask to be shown what it is I’m ready to release and let go of or see or heal or whatever.

This is the juice and where reality meets bipolar for me today.  Spiritual practices are great, but they are actually only training for the real growth opportunities when they show up.  Will I grow or ignore today.

Past experience has shown me that if I deal with what ever is really bothering me today, it will heal easier, than if I ignore it, let it fester, and show up as a blow out I’ll have to deal with.

My question for today to myself:  What am I ready to let go of so I can create what I really want?

Huffing and puffing,

George

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Numb

6 04 2010

I find myself staring at my little Iphone screen furiously playing a new favorite game as my arms cramp.  I put down the game because the battery died and I pick up the remote and mindlessly watch tv.  I lie in bed watching old movies until my laptop watches me as my eyes close because I can’t keep them open any longer.  Thank God I’m on a vegetarian healthy food kick so when I eat too much it’s not as hard for my body to digest.  A slight whisper in the back of my mind, hey George, guess what, you are numb and lost in the back of your cave right now and might need to focus on learning the lesson and coming back out.

A day later, I’ve slept in again, and get ready to pick up my iphone, when I hear a whisper, hey George, the easiest way to begin again is to get on your knees and ask for help.

I ignore this but I do find myself doing my exercises, and sitting in my meditation chair.

The moment I sit still without distraction the emotions run high, I feel crazy and want to run, move scream cry.  But that’s what I’ve been doing silently on the inside as I’ve numbed out.

It’s ok George, it’s called being triggered,   you don’t feel safe or ok right now, and all the doors to past crap opened up and overwhelmed you.  An involuntary tear dribbles down my cheek and catches in my whiskers.  It itches and tickles at the same time.

It’s ok George, I know you feel crazy, unsafe and want to continue numbing, but wasn’t there something else you were really looking forward to doing with your time off?

A breathe, deep, escapes my lungs and I take another, grateful for the slight relief and comfort it brings.

I sit a while longer and gently confront the neurotic energy in my mind and body, and gently ask myself what do I really want, what is the real feeling  I am seeking.  When past story comes up, I just ask myself, what do I really want to feel right now, safety, security, comfort.  So I let myself repeat these words even though I am not experiencing them in order to gently redirect my mind.  I feel safe.  I feel secure.  I feel ok.  I am safe now. Over , and over, breathe.  Repeat

An hour later, I’m still a little bit of a jumpy horse eyeing my iphone game and twitching to watch more movies, but I can at least think a little bit, and blog, share my bipolar journey, it is my passion.  Capture what I can of mental gifts, and the ways out I discover so that it may help others.  PSTD, is no fun.  I hate labels.  Sometimes they help me to acknowledge where I am, so that I can initiate methods that I know have worked in the past to find my way back to conscious choice and action instead of continual numb.

Seeing,

George





An Alan Moment

23 03 2010

“If something can be done, I can do it.” Alan Cohen, A Daily Dose of Sanity.  March 23rd.

When in doubt, refer to step A.  (by the way this is a note to self blog)(I had several blowouts over the last week with a teacher in a class)(when in doubt I refer to the root of my spiritual path, books)(favorite Author, teacher, friend, coach, confidant=Alan Cohen)

I was a total jerk for the last 4 days.  I blew my cool, yelled, felt like an idiot, and repeated the cycle.

The good news is, I’m not currently delusional about my spiritual status.  I’ve obviously uncovered another layer of my onion that needs a healin.

As my claws begin to retract and my horns slide back into my skull and my dragon flame words begin to reside, I comfort myself with reading my teachers words.

It never ceases to amaze me, how fast Alan can cut through my crap, and help me feel better about myself, and focus on the solution.

The bottom line is, I’m scared, and I took it out on someone else in the form of anger.  Someone who was actually trying to help.  Albiet I didn’t agree with his methods, yet honestly, the guy wouldn’t be trying to teach me new skills if he wasn’t interested in helping me get through this transition in my life.

It’s amazing how uncomfortable I feel in my body after I’ve had a blow out.   I know I need to sort out a bit more what really happened.  Open my mind and heart to gain perspective, and reconnect with the instructor in a way which can rebuild the relationship.  If I don’t do this, A) I will always feel uncomfortable about this memory.  B) It will just be more fuel for dragon words next time I erupt.  C)I’ll miss the good stuff from looking inside to figure out really why I erupted.  No matter how many times I point my finger at him, it’s really 3 pointed back at some part of me, I ain’t willing to accept or deal with yet.

So I read and ponder Alan’s words today, and know, I can do this.  I can look in my heart and sort out this funky energy to do my part in repairing a currently difficult working relationship, I can overcome my fears in a new career.  I can overcome this manic/anger swing, and get on with my most of the time peaceful life.

This is how I live bipolar, a day at a time.  This is how I recover from blowouts, before they drive me into a manic rage, or avoidance depression.  I capture the little things as they happen, and do my best to quickly speak/write my real truth until harmony is once again present.

Some people I’ve raged at over the years, are not open to reconnecting, that’s ok, as long as I am willing, my energy remains positive and free to focus on being peaceful in my life, and doing my best not to create future circumstances in which I erupt in.

Thank God for teachers like Alan Cohen that help me find my way back to peace inside when I am ready.

Breathing,

George





An Unscattered Life

13 02 2010

“Kissing is good.  Driving is good.  Both are even better when you do them one at a time.”  from Alan Cohen’s new book A Daily Dose of Sanity February 13th.

Never a room I once left which a tornado couldn’t have organized better.  Chaos was my modus of operendi…until I got fed up with and had enough of anxiety in my life.

In Alan’s writing today he talks about a life of integrity, living in tune with where our heart, minds, and souls actually are.  One thing at a time.  I couldn’t agree more.  One of the many gifts with my unique mind I’ve gotten the pleasure of unsorting, is horrendous paralyzing anxiety attacks.  I was so focussed on learning the bipolar opportunity in my life, I just coped with the anxiety as best I could, my desire to provide my own room and board was always greater then shutting down completely, and when I did shut down, by the grace of God I was able to “come back online” in time to do the next necessary thing to keep my job or whatever I was focussed on in the moment.  After years of learning the bipolar dance, become stable in a highly paid professional job, and once again being in a relationship, my anxiety surfaced as the next big thing to tackle in my life.  The woman that I was with at the time, was the antithesis of my disorganization.  She also had very little tolerance for chaos.  A definitive case of opposites.  Being the open minded adventurer that I am, I decided to play with it a bit and see what I could come up with.  Fortunately for me my workload doubled, and then tripled, in such a manner that it was physically impossible for my people pleasing/do the right thing/take care of everything mode /was impossible.  I no longer had moments to unsort my mental self much less the physical chaos I generated around me.

Finally a circuit blew in my brain and I just sat down, turned off my computer, put a sticky note on the message light of my phone, and decided I would only work on one task at a time to completion, and completely ignore everyone, and everything else.  I no longer cared if I kept the job, or got it all done, I was only interested in my own sanity at that point.  I constantly stopped, refocussed on the one thing, and took the next step.  There were many unhappy people and a couple of times my boss got in my face.  I simply stopped what I was doing, looked him in the eye, and asked him if there was any greater priority than what I was currently working on.  I would either refocus on his bigger priority to completion, or continue on with the task at hand.  Even though I walked around in complete chaos around me, my inner life and mind was slowing down.  I checked emails and phone messages once a day, and spent the rest of my day with my hands, completing the next priority.  Slowly, through being affected by the organization and cleanliness at home with the woman I was living with, and the focus at work, I started to go through the other areas of my life.

Five years later, the energy continues.  The miracle I’ve noticed as I’ve slowed down and focussed, is I am also able to slow down and focus with people.  And this has been the unexpected gold from anxiety. The workload dropped away, and the ability to be “in to me see” with people has remained.  In fact, I’m physically still at my job, but my heart, soul, and mind has awakened to the people that I am with, and the people that I meet.  Honestly, it’s a much bigger spiritual dividend I receive by being able to be with whoever is in front of me.  As I have allowed this way of living to expand, I enjoy going to spiritual retreats and workshops for the ease of being with like minded conscious people, I also like dancing with complete strangers and long time coworkers because there is absolutely nothing that beats being focussed and present with someone regardless of the circumstances.  I’ve discovered this as my true passion.  To actually be, with whoever I am with, wherever I am.

Breathing,

George





Bipolar Rocket Science

10 01 2010

Yes Houston we have cleared for flight all systems functioning big ahh is being heard.  OHHH thank God mental phases pass.  Never ceases to amaze me how good my job is for me.  Bingo 2nd post of New Year and George has already lost it.  No seriously.  The routine of work is good for me.  I am completely open to retiring as a full time bum/speaker/blogger, yet and in between times, the discovery of a job I’m actually talented at and desire to get up early to do “spiritual” pushups, ie a little exe, Gi Gong, daily reader(with a positive focus), meditation.  I almost sprayed coffee again on a friend the other day when she said oh you are so spiritual and disciplined.  Hmm.  When a mental institution is in one corner of the ring, an alcohol and drug addiction which leads to cuddling up to dumpsters in another corner, and the ability to fly off the handle at any and all perceived idiots is in another corner, and behind door number 4;  Do these simple things everyday and you have a chance of being functional, and having preferred choice of activity on and off the job.  Uhh.  Hmm.  Walk around in a bathrobe and slippers behind bars, puking all over myself, yelling at anything, uh could you repeat option 4 please.  Yes, it’s called a daily routine.  Wakes up my body, mind, and spirit, and puts me on a path that leads to interacting in a semi sane way with most people and situations, and gradually leads me to improving the quality and options in my life.  Now add 20 years.  Nope, not disciplined and spiritual, just lazy.  I’ve discovered after much research in all corners of the ring, that taking care of myself, leads to a much lazier and enjoyable life.  Thank God for being bipolar today, so that I can cherish the simple and the profound gifts that have come to me from running from the dark results available with bipolar and into gifts which come from, spiritual practice.  KEY WORD HERE.  P-R-A-C-T-I-C-E.  What is it the black belts of 12 step say(I’m referring to the Al-Anon ers.)  Practice not perfection, raising a virtual toast to that one.  Which reminds me of an unmotivational poster I heard about yesterday that almost sprayed my second attempt at drinking coffee.  “Not all of us are capable of being astronauts, get over it”, well, fortunately for us bipolar types, we can rocket all around the place on and off demand at times, and when we teach ourself how to pilot our own minds in order to negotiate organic rhythms in our lives, then we too can see sights within beyond our wildest imaginations.

cruisin the good life,

George





Silly Season

16 12 2009

I peeks me head out and asks…is it over yet?

It’s been silly season time inside my head.  In the material world I have absolutely nothing to complain about.

In the other worlds in me, it’s been, …, interesting.

Overall I would rate the experience as good.

pg 20 in my book Living Out of Darkness, “It’s not important how many times I quit exercising, or how lazy I get.  What’s important is how many times I start again.”

same page “With Bipolar, we are going to have ups and downs.  The better we get at picking up after downs and focussing on what worked…”

Maybe I should just stop right here and read my book.  I’ve been ignoring it lately.

The uncomfortable times in bipolar can be difficult and baffling to walk through with those enjoying the gift as well as loved ones attempting to understand.

From the inside, for me, lately, it’s involved a lot of patience.  I haven’t been very willing to do the things I need to do to maintain an even keel or cheery attitude.  The insides have been a bit rapid cycling and bumpy.

And yet.

My holistic non medicated approach to bipolar all these years, when I’m on vacation(like I have been), sometimes I let it all hang out for a bit.  I let my mind and emotions wander, and see what they uncover and discover.  Sometimes it’s comfortable, sometimes not.

I have noticed my rawness lately hasn’t been nearly as hairy scary as that last time i took a vacation from “doing everything”.

I also notice a deeper, more satisfied peace, all the bugaboos, and ugliness my ego and mind tried to come with regarding how I was this or that in a negative light, have failed and faded.

I can’t help but think that some of the muck, attempting to cover up my light and mental stability, has evaporated a little bit more.

My tools for the day/last 3 weeks/or whenever it was I last blogged, have been patience(just sitting), and letting go(breathing), spending as much time as I can out doors, on my bike, driving somewhere.

The other day I was in a funk and needed to get stuff done to go back to work, and it was obivious two people were wandering around in different directions in my body, so I got on my bike in the sun to an excellent salad place, took my journal to write out priorities/clear out headspace/ and figure out what was most important to do next.

By the time I got back to the house I was more focussed for awhile.

To anyone else who may feeeeeel the silly season, as a mixed blessing, I’m with you.  We’ll get through this, and my favorite holiday is coming…A WHOLE NEW YEAR, Wow!

Blessings,

George





Clear, Honor, Rhythm

1 12 2009

I’ve been scared shtless lately.  Two weeks ago an event occurred that triggered a chain of events that if I were totally honest about, have knocked me on my ____ on the inside.  I functioned.  I fullfilled obligations for room and board.  But inside I was lost gone bye, bye.  There have been a myraid of blog titles I emailed to myself and never wrote, concious anxiety-how to gain the benefits of anxiety while observing ones self go through it(a rather out of mind day).

I got through the first wave in about a week and felt good and functional and could have communicated and blogged, but then I used the energy to take care of myself.  Get through the obligations, create what I needed to be ok next.

“Clear your energy, honor your rhythm, Live your vision”, pg 51 of my book.  Living Out Of Darkness.

Even now as I attempt my first blog in over a week, my energy is muddy.  I have been honoring my rhythm, I’ve been scared, and extra gentle.  I have finally figured out that no matter how harsh I can be with me, whispers get me where I want to be much faster.  The more I allow every little voice in me to speak up, the more whole I feel.  Whenever I’ve been triggered, dark, non-functional, non-verbal, at times catatonic, and I have taken the time to listen, instead of criticise, the little parts of me, I start to feel whole again.  I also know any time I’ve yelled at a part of myself for being week or too emotional, or xyz, then usually that part of me will surface again.

Even though I’m not out of the woods yet,  I am very grateful for having created a lifestyle with lots of down time, and the awareness I have accumulated over the years with bipolar to be able to let myself be still, be open, be in nature, and allow the frazzled parts of me to speak up, and let go.

It doesn’t matter to me how many times I drop the ball let go, or become triggered and non-functional, what matters to me now, is knowing and allowing my own natural rhythyms to gradually reset me into a calmer, more peaceful, functional state.

Clearing, honoring, rhythming,

George








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