Dyslexic Untie!

23 06 2016

dyslesicDyslexics not I am Untie! is their a Dog insomnia?

If you can decipher this message then we are a mind meld. I love shotgun wording, brian space sometimes just needs a flow. Cares if “english” grammar, etc are discarded. Yup. Free the brain. Communication is just an opportunity for souls to vibrate in proximity, exchanging info non verbal non physical.

I love just popping the cork and putting it out there especially when recovering from a long term deep dive, ahh. Yes, I know a high percentage of “normal” english speakers have now moved on which is good! I’ve never been a champion, worried about or communication king with the Chorus.

I’ve always been a fan of the people outside the circle who still have a sliver inside them to come back into light. It is my journey, it is the conscious bipolar journey, it is a journey we all take, some of us on a very large range/scale/extremes.

I heard recently at a new age retreat that we are finally realizing that everyone is crazy, I burst out laughing inside but kept a straight face on because they were laughing and saying this as if it was a newsflash and new concept.

Yeah! Us crazies are finally ahead of the pack. If life has given/born/created, who cares origin, insanity, dysfunction, or crazy, then we often know, from the beginning, life is crazy, we are all screwed up, it’s just that some of us are so raw, we can’t, don’t wish to, or have just completely ignored the normal train, and “normal” people are able to maintain a copying mechanism to cover cope with their neurosis in a non visual, or socially acceptable way, example, Bars, drinking, and everyday jerks, snobs or ___.

Welcome aboard or off the tracks to the “normal” people. I love it that the world is in chaos and a majority of the “normal” people in my life are losing their sh*t, ?.

no seriously what are you talking about George it’s horrible!

Really?

People are losing their sh*t. Sh*t being fertilizer, coping mechanism, separation, ignorance, avoidance.

My mom always said, “If you really want to get to know someone, take them on a crappy camping trip.”

It’s true, welcome to camping world.

Our convenient coping mechanisms are failing in masse. Our realness is showing, our connections, REAL, connections are growing, and we are finally, finally getting to see the people we thought we new, as more real.

I love this as a bipolar person, because the extremes in my life, have always shown me my insanity first hand, and opened my eyes to see what others have always hidden.

This, this my friends is the gift of being “crazy” outside the box or normality all or percentage of ones life.

Because here is the juice. Once I get past the b.s. with mutual coping mechanisms with someone, we get to decide whether we like each other, and if we do it’s awesome! Or if we don’t and have to deal with them anyway, then we get to grow, and sometimes, sometimes that leads to liking ourselves more, and sometimes even the other person.

This, is truly the gift of these “crazy”, opening, growing for all times.

peace
George,

ok how do I find my way off this soap box…





Two Cups

9 05 2015

two coffee cups

Sometimes it takes two cups of coffee to crank the brain in the morning, ok I’ll admit it, two cups with 1/2 1/2, that is. ? Ok FINE, I confess the eating method I’ve very successfully been on for about a year limits my carbs to 1 hr a day, and cream in my coffee is limited to only 1 a day which sucks when I need 2 and is cool when I want to break the rules which is often, and yet I’m still gradually letting go of poundage, thank God. But this rambling nonsense is not what I wanted to blog about.

I’m putting it off because I’m scared. Shitless that is. I haven’t felt like writing so I’ve been reading other bipolar blogs. Here is a BIG thank you to ALL bipolar blog writers. I have one comment for all, I RESEMBLE THIS!

Ok fine, said that. Bipolar and Relationships. That’s what I’m scared shitless to write about. It’s what I purposely avoided in my book.

Thank God for other bipolar writers, because, wow, I’m alone in life, but not in community with other bloggers about the topic.

Bipolar. Maybe I should start there. The more I read about other bipolars, the more it affirms basic truths. It matters not, what path, ethnicity, gender, preference, lifestyle, economics, age etc. Bipolar is what it is. It doesn’t seem to matter if we choose medication, organic, or hybrid methods of treatment. Bipolar is a very active roller coaster ride, yes it can be smooth and boring occasionally, but we never seem to know when a normal mood is gonna go sideways fast and hold on to see where we end up.

Relationships. Honestly. I gave up years ago. A)I seem to be attracted to members of the opposite sex who end up taking advantage of me. B) I am a high maintenance freak show at times. C)I lose myself completely, and who wants to live with a subservient ghost? D) When I’m triggered off my rocker bat shit up or down crazy, 99 people out of 100 only make it worse. The one cure all I can rely on, is copious amounts of time, me, alone, nature. Preferably with access to sweating and creating. Period. That is my reset cure.

It doesn’t help that I do shift work. I’ve found remote industrial work, is a good routine for me, I’m gone for a couple weeks, and then I”m off. No matter how screwed up I get at home or work, the other is a sure fire routine for coming back on track.

So living my life alone with bipolar, sans medication, I’m quite successful. I have long term employment in a job I’ m highly suited for, I self -regulate my bipolar, and have many hobbies.

Now I feel like an embarrassed idiot, but I want truth to be shared. Yes I am living a bipolar life without meds, drugs, or alcohol. But I’m still batshit crazy at times, and just don’t seem to have relationships any where on the priority list. Every time I get involved, it ends in disaster. I concluded long ago, I am the common denominator, and yes I have dedicated decades, and thousands of dollars to therapy, workshops, ad nauseam etc.

Which leads me to the one relationship I have always relied upon. I’m not a member of any religion. But there is something unseen greater then me, I have always been able to access when I’m truly sincere, open and humble, which gives me peace, comfort, connection, and releases all fears and worries. When I truly open and ask the universe for help, I have always received whatever I truly needed in the moment. This is the connection I’ve rededicated my life to again and again, and this is what I feel like my life purpose is, to be connected, and to be available to help others who are temporarily lost, to feel connected again. This is the deepest peace I’ve discovered in my bipolar journey, I may not be connected in a traditional socially acceptable societal means with other humans, but I have plenty of time to reconnect as needed inside, with what appears to be, everything.

two coffee cups





Bobble Heads

25 04 2015

I got a new thing, I’m turning previous psychological control freaks who I’ve rented rooms for in my head into bobble heads. I wasn’t planning on this, it just sort of happened one day so I thought i would share it.
The more I slip into healthy high bipolar order, the more erosion occurs in original false info injected into my developmental psyche. Yes, I have a pretty erratic at times organic bipolar rhythm, yes I’m weird and goofy, talkative /silent, etc., the usual bipolar fair, and, continuing to discover and release, other people’s crap, injected into my head at impressionable ages, is incredibly healing.

Years ago I heard a television interview with a Hollywood star at the time who had survived early childhood trauma drama as well. Her enlightened reframe was that is was good, because early trauma survived and eventually integrated and healed can be a foundation for thriving. I’m finding this to be true. I’ve chugged along like a freight train for years, healthy daily routines, and habits to the best of my ability which is always fluctuating and doesn’t appear to be much at times, and been grateful for whatever peaceful moments, interactions, I can experience or share. So when I experience really good times like I am now, it’s like being on acid. I’m in high speed, yet somehow still functioning, and the learning curve is doubling down on healthy habits and figuring out healthy discharge for good energy. I visualize copious amounts of healing energy into the atmosphere available to whoever is willing to receive, and I feel calmer.

Off topic, anyway. I never expected to be able to see the other side of major perpetrators in my life. I always thought they would live in my head as monsters, and continue to have negative affects on my choices, reactions to stress, etc. Yet, as I experience their end game decisions, diminishing influence on other peoples lives, I’m feeling a release. May good bless them for the humans that they were, and my good bless them wherever they end up next. Thank God, I’m finally feeling forgiveness in my heart for them, and feeling the erosion of their psychic influence over me. Bobble heads yep, in my cartoon minds eye, they are now bobble heads in high chairs, adult heads filled with childish misinformed fears, in baby bodies, being fed and taken care of as they finish out their days.

May we all live thrive long enough to witness the cycle of life, erode previous monsters into bobble-heads.





Hope Evolution

22 04 2015

I dedicate this blog, to those living in hopelessness. I’m praying happy tears for you today. When I began my journey of hope. Hope that myself and all of life was not horrible, out of control, and a useless miserable failure, my hope, was from a kernel of faith, that somehow still existed inside of me, in spite of it all. Some part of me lived, kept breathing, waking, moving. My faith came from books, because all people had proven themselves to be idiots and untrustworthy to me. They also locked me up, because of my mental behavior.

This journey of hope, began locked, in severe psychological pain, after years of faith and bust. Words, read, uncovered, hoped were real, began my journey back to life. Out of words came healthy habits. Writing my thoughts in journals, all of it. The good the bad the ugly. Over and over again. Journals clean out crap in my head, and reveal gems from time to time, if I’m patient and persistent.

Over time, my faith and hope, led me to opportunities, experiences, which led to real life, real time, face to face healing. Along the way I discovered and interacted with healthy humans, and let go of many humans stuck in behaviors that were destructive for me.

My happy tears today for people in hopelessness, is gratitude for the potential. If we can survive the hopelessness, If we can be graced with discovery and opportunity of new healing then we can evolve.

Happy tears today, are for the discovery of erosion of psychological control temporarily embedded by humans in positions of power living in their own unresolved fears into innocents. Time, healthy daily methods, new healthy information, observation and experimentation of good ideas, have continued to erode those negative unhealthy psychological destructive beliefs, behaviors, identity, and unconscious reactions to stress, given to me, and a little bit each day ejected, and eventually let go of completely.

I continue to say good bye, to other peoples fears, and hello to life is good, and getting even a little better, each day.





Leaf Sway

1 02 2015

il_340x270.461955452_8xysLush white birch outside my dorm, crickly dried up maple in New England, continually green southern clime green leaf flow. I love leaves in gentle wind sway. They bend twirl flow and eventually let go, different kinds and cycles everywhere I go. Bipolar is cycles within cycles. Bipolar functionality is awareness, what cycle when where how prep, renew. We know we will be up and down. We know we will react, planned or not, yet how? How do we intercept our insanity long enough to choose the lesser paths of destruction, and the gentler path of letting go and renewal? Do we even have/want a choice, yet?

Leaves sway and say listen, gentle listen, for the cycles. We grow off flexible twigs, we bring nourishment, we dance in the breeze, and flow away, to nourish the earth, wherever we land.

Leaves, leaves of all kinds, interesting green bushes, or background for intricate delicate flowers no matter, leaves are an element of attention, indoors or out, whispering gentle reminders of flows, cycles, renewals…

Sway on





Emotional Ahh

20 10 2013

ImageI am not the extreme of my past.  I am not the extreme mental and physical choices I made to cope/interact with the chaos around and inevitably in me.

Was my past since birth totally of my creation?

If not, do I have to prescribe my entire life to it’s chaos?

What if I’m actually a calm happy creative sane functional human, temporarily held hostage by the creation and wreckage of my first 20 years, and recovery from?

As I settle once again, from another emotional hurricane, I relish in the choices I’ve made to create calm functionality in my life to return to.  None of it happened instantly.  Yet it is possible.  Yes I deal with all kinds of anxious moments, activities, etc.  But there is a calm overwhelming routine to return to.  It used to be externally only.  I followed a calm path offered by others for years in hopes of it working.

My prayer today, is to encourage, all those choosing calm routines, in spite of current internal or external chaos, to continue their journey, no matter what.  If peace is possible for me, than I hold hope for you.

george





Too High

15 10 2013

H2OThe longer I am sober, the more creative I get in response to the question, why don’t you drink?

Lately, I’m higher than any artificial mental assistant could get me.  Too High in fact.  I had to put the air brakes on yesterday and slow my assent a bit.

It’s one thing to be bipolar, it’s another thing to sober up for many years and string together sobriety, add healthy simple living, meditation practices, daily creative expression, WATCH OUT!

Yup, I knew I might have gone a wee bit too naturally high when a simple glass of water was tripping me out.

I don’t drink or do drugs of any kind, legal or otherwise, because sober creative life is a bigger trip, than I ever experienced before.

.

Let me make that period bigger

Life is good, seek continuous sobriety, have a creative blast, be your dreams, and keep on tripping, in a really good, natural groove!

G.

P.s.  I chilled out, ate some fish, gently landed my brain, letting things getting a bit grounded before I let my self enjoy another glass of that delicious stuff called H2O.

; )





Compassion Renewal

21 11 2010

1) I am a source, not the source of compassion on planet earth.
2) If I am not the only source of compassion, who/what is my source of compassion?
3) What is my current level of compassion for me?
4) If my current level of compassion is low, what is my favorite 10min activity for reconnecting with compassion I can do be right now?
5) If my compassion is overflowing, what is my favorite activity for sharing which allows me to feel even more light?
6) Is it ok to be empty?
7) Is it ok to renew myself?
8) Am I aware of what empties me?
9) Am I able to let go of that which empties me, whether it is job, person, place or thing?
10)If I feel stuck with an emptying source, and wish to create a new reality, is it possible for me to believe in the options available to me?
11)Is it possible for me to be compassionate for myself and others, as I change/grow/heal/renew, even if those I love and care for professionally and or family chose not to?
12)Is it possible for me to accept that good things can come of me allowing myself to heal and renew, and it might even help those I worry about?
13)Is it possible for me to renew my compassion on a regular basis, and be even better at what it is I love to do, and even feel energized, because I can simply learn to let go, let a bigger source than me takeover, and yet still enjoy being what I be/do best?
14)What if my continual connection and renewal and letting go in me, allows me to create a deep feeling of caring/compassion/strength in me, which not only serves me, but it serves those I worry about the most even more?
15)What if draining myself of compassion into empty experiences I am unable to renew myself with is actually allowing negativity to expand?
16)What if allowing myself renewal and letting go, actually allows situations to get better because I am no longer a single source of help and compassion?
17)What if my active letting go, and taking care of myself, is actually a new beginning for others, to discover within themselves active sources of compassion within, even if they need to find it in the dark night of their soul first?

Writing what I need to hear,
George





Full Circle

20 11 2010

Oops, we forgot to tell you that your journey, NO MATTER WHAT, can bring you inner peace.
pause
What’s up George?
What do you mean?
Anything can give you peace???

Yep.

What if the gifts of your journey were your greatest assets?
Rummaging around in the back of my soul lately has been several concepts dancing around until they find the right mesh to emerge, this might be one of those days.

On my updated treasure map/wall lately I put up the biggest most outrageous dream vision I can think of, a collage of Oprah holding my hand as we chat about my book and the gifts of being bipolar.
Anytime I get outrageous and think juicy thoughts about possibilities in my life and even dare to cut paper pictures to help create what I desire and glue staple or paste even attach to my fridge with magnets the biggest vision I can currently think of.
Guess what follows?

Yep, you guessed it.  I’ve renamed my inner critic, as my inner engineer.
His opening round in my head was impressive.  He said, “What the heck is Oprah going to smile about when she hears your story, and delusions about the gifts of being bipolar.”
Here is the brilliance of life coaching in action with in one’s own mind.
This is why I’m busy typing and patting myself on the back for my absolute genius of being me.
I said. “OK Mr. Engineer, what the heck would I say?”
Fortunately my inner engineer is as big of a brain as I am with attached ego, and he didn’t hesitate for a second.  Inner Peace.
That stumped me, but I soon found the thread I was chatting about earlier wandering around in the back cave of my soul.
What if the gifts of my journey are my greatest assets?
What if my daily practice of applying positive thinking techniques to the opportunities in my life for the past 20 years has produced a very toxic by product with a life of it’s own.
What if no matter what is going on, if I can somehow find my way back to a positive thought opening, I get hope in the present.
What if taking positive actions no matter what over many years has led to…here it is…inner peace for having taken the action. What if years of thinking positive thoughts, taking positive actions, has led to an asset in me which no car, relationship, job, house, financial statement, health issue, big or small, can take away.
Right George, I know you, you’re not peaceful all the time why just the …
You’re right Mr. Engineer (I give my inner critic a surname because he pays more attention when I stroke his ego), You’re right Mr. Engineer, would you please go back through the history in our mind and sum up the percentage of inner peace I felt 20 years ago verses today?  Would you please place on a scale the amount it takes to throw me off today verses….
OK OK OK, I get it replies Mr. Engineer.
Let me rephrase my original statement, positive thinking techniques consistently applied no matter what over time develop an inner asset, nothing can take away.  Yes crap happens.  Yes I get pissy upset angry angst etc etc etc.  But here is the newsflash, they are not the predominant themes between my ears anymore.  Do some events kick my inner guru butt much more than others? Of course.  But the next time around they don’t.
By the tone of my words it’s sounds like I’ve found my soap box which is not always a peaceful place because ego is usually not that far off.  So I will acknowledge right here huge gratitude for the events in my life these last three months that have led me back to that which I love to share with anyone, anywhere, whenever I can, inner peace.

Loving silence,
George

http://www.georgedenslow.com





Dark Light Dance

26 10 2010

I came from dark tribe

When I was first seen by light angels I did not like or understand them.  I barked, growled, and hissed.

Light spirits in the form of humans verbally or non; teased, danced, played, encouraged, witnessed, sat still with, and sometimes walked away.

It was effective, very effective, for me.

The sucking energy sound when my dark illusion turned a light being away on their journey not to return cried my light hidden in my darkness back to life,

Oh no don’t go, I’m sorry…

I’m lost again.

No longer as smug with my darkness so well learned.

Abundant grace offers another light being, I pay more attention, I grow, dance a little, smile some,

angels leave again,

I cry light tears of joy in gratitude for the moment of light I felt even though my growls may have scared them away.

Finally I learn enough to not wait for another light angel, but to begin being a light angel for others,

One day I discovered I wasn’t the darkest energy in the sphere of my influence, I observe someone not as light as I currently am I shine my light, grin my ears, flap my weak angel wings…

And the miracle happens,

The darker one than me grins,

We feel lighter and freer,

Many light/dark day journeys have now led me to a truth,

My light dance is my freedom.

Deep breath,

George








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