Two Cups

9 05 2015

two coffee cups

Sometimes it takes two cups of coffee to crank the brain in the morning, ok I’ll admit it, two cups with 1/2 1/2, that is. ? Ok FINE, I confess the eating method I’ve very successfully been on for about a year limits my carbs to 1 hr a day, and cream in my coffee is limited to only 1 a day which sucks when I need 2 and is cool when I want to break the rules which is often, and yet I’m still gradually letting go of poundage, thank God. But this rambling nonsense is not what I wanted to blog about.

I’m putting it off because I’m scared. Shitless that is. I haven’t felt like writing so I’ve been reading other bipolar blogs. Here is a BIG thank you to ALL bipolar blog writers. I have one comment for all, I RESEMBLE THIS!

Ok fine, said that. Bipolar and Relationships. That’s what I’m scared shitless to write about. It’s what I purposely avoided in my book.

Thank God for other bipolar writers, because, wow, I’m alone in life, but not in community with other bloggers about the topic.

Bipolar. Maybe I should start there. The more I read about other bipolars, the more it affirms basic truths. It matters not, what path, ethnicity, gender, preference, lifestyle, economics, age etc. Bipolar is what it is. It doesn’t seem to matter if we choose medication, organic, or hybrid methods of treatment. Bipolar is a very active roller coaster ride, yes it can be smooth and boring occasionally, but we never seem to know when a normal mood is gonna go sideways fast and hold on to see where we end up.

Relationships. Honestly. I gave up years ago. A)I seem to be attracted to members of the opposite sex who end up taking advantage of me. B) I am a high maintenance freak show at times. C)I lose myself completely, and who wants to live with a subservient ghost? D) When I’m triggered off my rocker bat shit up or down crazy, 99 people out of 100 only make it worse. The one cure all I can rely on, is copious amounts of time, me, alone, nature. Preferably with access to sweating and creating. Period. That is my reset cure.

It doesn’t help that I do shift work. I’ve found remote industrial work, is a good routine for me, I’m gone for a couple weeks, and then I”m off. No matter how screwed up I get at home or work, the other is a sure fire routine for coming back on track.

So living my life alone with bipolar, sans medication, I’m quite successful. I have long term employment in a job I’ m highly suited for, I self -regulate my bipolar, and have many hobbies.

Now I feel like an embarrassed idiot, but I want truth to be shared. Yes I am living a bipolar life without meds, drugs, or alcohol. But I’m still batshit crazy at times, and just don’t seem to have relationships any where on the priority list. Every time I get involved, it ends in disaster. I concluded long ago, I am the common denominator, and yes I have dedicated decades, and thousands of dollars to therapy, workshops, ad nauseam etc.

Which leads me to the one relationship I have always relied upon. I’m not a member of any religion. But there is something unseen greater then me, I have always been able to access when I’m truly sincere, open and humble, which gives me peace, comfort, connection, and releases all fears and worries. When I truly open and ask the universe for help, I have always received whatever I truly needed in the moment. This is the connection I’ve rededicated my life to again and again, and this is what I feel like my life purpose is, to be connected, and to be available to help others who are temporarily lost, to feel connected again. This is the deepest peace I’ve discovered in my bipolar journey, I may not be connected in a traditional socially acceptable societal means with other humans, but I have plenty of time to reconnect as needed inside, with what appears to be, everything.

two coffee cups





It’s A New Day!

20 04 2015

IMG_6271The sun has come up and it’s a new day. This is day three of slowly calming down from a six week functional manic which is why I had to write about it. Previously, I thought normal was the highest level of the bipolar game I would get too. The first time I was “normal” felt really strange I was physically mentally emotionally functioning and I was concerned trying to figure out what I had done wrong and yet when I finally figured out what was going on I was actually feeling normal.

Bipolar dis-order is when we are lost or trapped inside up/down cycles that don’t function or integrate very well with life. Bipolar Order has been a long and slow journey for me. In the beginning I had to figure out how to be safely suicidal, how to not harm myself or others and be safe, the mental institution is where I rather abruptly discovered the need for that. The next level for me was learning how to be functionally depressed, keeping myself moving thru daze and not letting myself get lower than just depressed. In some ways over time depression became easier than manic because I had less energy to deal with. After many life upsets I’ve had a tendency to return to depressive states and stay there as long as I could with food or distraction in order to hide.

It was after these two phases that I discovered one day I was feeling normal and I slowly began to figure out how to be comfortable feeling functional and how to increase the amount of time that I could feel “normal”. Feeling “normal” is less drama, more function, and less sensitivity to triggers.

I love feeling calm. Anyway, I pretty much thought there was nothing more to bipolar order than riding out the cycles and getting back to normal safely. Life had become about increasing the time in normal and enjoying as best, if I could, the other extremes when then occurred, until the last six weeks. The longer I live as a bipolar person the more I’ve come to realize how uncomfortable I am with manic because of a lack of control that I feel. Things move so fast inside and out and I’m not as nice of a person, I’m fairly oblivious to other peoples feelings sometimes I can be extremely sensitive and interactive and can be of good service but not always. Usually most of the time when I’m manic its been an uncomfortable ride for me I couldn’t wait until I was feeling normal or depressed again.

So anyway this is day three of calming down from a six week very manic, highly functional period of time. About two weeks into it I was again trying to figure out what the heck I did wrong, why was I so high and then it dawned on me maybe I’m learning a higher level of functioning with bipolar. Yes my house got messy, but I was still doing basic basic sanitation, I was still managing finances, I was still completing the tasks I needed to at work, and I didn’t have any major mental and emotional social relational blowouts like I usually do when I’m that manic for that long. I’ll admit, it was getting scary and anxious at times, which were also intense, but brief. It felt like all I had was a slight influence over steerage and my foot jammed on the gas pedal. I definitely don’t have it figured out or integrated but I wanted to share with you the possibility that maybe we can, over time, become even more functional in manic phases, not just the lower realms, anyway the sun is up its a New Day.





Leaf Sway

1 02 2015

il_340x270.461955452_8xysLush white birch outside my dorm, crickly dried up maple in New England, continually green southern clime green leaf flow. I love leaves in gentle wind sway. They bend twirl flow and eventually let go, different kinds and cycles everywhere I go. Bipolar is cycles within cycles. Bipolar functionality is awareness, what cycle when where how prep, renew. We know we will be up and down. We know we will react, planned or not, yet how? How do we intercept our insanity long enough to choose the lesser paths of destruction, and the gentler path of letting go and renewal? Do we even have/want a choice, yet?

Leaves sway and say listen, gentle listen, for the cycles. We grow off flexible twigs, we bring nourishment, we dance in the breeze, and flow away, to nourish the earth, wherever we land.

Leaves, leaves of all kinds, interesting green bushes, or background for intricate delicate flowers no matter, leaves are an element of attention, indoors or out, whispering gentle reminders of flows, cycles, renewals…

Sway on





Too High

15 10 2013

H2OThe longer I am sober, the more creative I get in response to the question, why don’t you drink?

Lately, I’m higher than any artificial mental assistant could get me.  Too High in fact.  I had to put the air brakes on yesterday and slow my assent a bit.

It’s one thing to be bipolar, it’s another thing to sober up for many years and string together sobriety, add healthy simple living, meditation practices, daily creative expression, WATCH OUT!

Yup, I knew I might have gone a wee bit too naturally high when a simple glass of water was tripping me out.

I don’t drink or do drugs of any kind, legal or otherwise, because sober creative life is a bigger trip, than I ever experienced before.

.

Let me make that period bigger

Life is good, seek continuous sobriety, have a creative blast, be your dreams, and keep on tripping, in a really good, natural groove!

G.

P.s.  I chilled out, ate some fish, gently landed my brain, letting things getting a bit grounded before I let my self enjoy another glass of that delicious stuff called H2O.

; )





Happy Highs

4 10 2013

Image 1“Defining the line between what is a healthy high and at what point the line has been crossed is the art form of being consciously bipolar.” pg 77 of my book Living Out of Darkness.

Happy Day, Happy Boy, ruff ruff, wanna run run run.  So I did, sort of, I rode.  Managing Happy highs can be at times just as perilous as extreme lows.

Today was not a good day to pull out the credit card and go online shopping.  The current obsession with crystals was tempting, but I resisted.  In the past, not so much.  I was way to ADD, in a good way to calm down, so I went with it.  Jumped on my bike to go check the mail, which entailed a 10 mile bike ride.

Happy Highs —-> Exercise!  (in moderation).

Yes it is annoying, exercise but not too much, stay away from wallet, watch the mind spin, etc.

But.  I’ve stayed healthy and thoroughly enjoyed my day.  The exercise endorphins have kicked in, Mozart is blasting way, and looking forward to a good swim later.

Peace!!!

geo





Primal Clarity

29 07 2010

Lately I’ve been re-entering the primal areas of my mind through cold water swimming and putting myself in the natural environment no matter what the mental or physical comfort level is.  If it’s cold, wet, rainy, windy, etc.  I just go out into the elements regardless.  I grew up in an extreme environment, and dropped the extreme mental strength I had lived in and developed as soon as life got easy to live.  As I re-enter that “crazy” or primal part of my mind again, I’m experiencing an inner strength and core, which I never appreciated before.  I am also experiencing an ok-ness, and calmness like I’ve never had before.  When I put and push my body and mind into the natural elements nowadays, I have the choice of warmth, food, rest, and calm periods when I return.  This allows me to visit the primal mind, access the good and the clarity of elemental life, and return to “normal” with eyes much more open to what actually may be real, or just a perceived experience.  I’ve also noticed a lot of trivial mental habits and occupations have evaporated.

It’s too early to formulate a theory or clear insight about how this relates to being bipolar, I just know that intuitively I’ve discovered yet another untapped resource.  When my friends think I’m crazy (and justifiably so) for wading across the 49-degree river water instead of taking the canoe, on the inside I’m getting in touch with a mental strength.  When I take my body to the edge of it’s current comfort zone and a little bit beyond, I feel a surge of confidence and ease when I’m back in “regular” life.  This new found mental strength I’m experiencing in daily life is helping me to be less triggered into swings, and better able to deal with them as they come up.

I’m also better able to deal situations, rather then let them sit and hope they go away.  Of course as I change my dance steps with those that have known me for a long time, they get freaked out and think I’m crazy because what happened to peaceful George.   So I may be less peaceful and comfortable to be around on the outside, yet on the inside, I’m feeling a clarity and mental stability which I just know is leading me to yet a new unknown wonderful destination in my ever evolving life.  This is what I love about being bipolar, always exploring, questioning, changing, discovering, and being able to focus and head in new directions.

May your journey be filled with inner discovery, today.

George





Chill Pill

18 05 2010

“I seek upliftment, and find it.” Alan Cohen, A Daily Dose of Sanity May 18th

I took a chill pill three days after coming on shift and have been enjoying my time ever since.  For some strange reason I let myself get all hyper and upset about the spill in the gulf which kept me in the news cycle on my off time.   Instead of chilling out and relaxing, letting go,(it’s not like I can swim down a mile and plug a crude oil pipe)(or watching the news constantly is going to fix it any faster),  I got all wound up, during my off time.

So I come back on shift wiggy, off kilter, freaked out facing two weeks of solid work.  I had the usual bipolar feelings of being out of control, inappropriate, frustrated, and slightly hopeless.  The illusion of oh my God I’ve always been this way and always will be kicked in as well.  I even had thoughts of I can’t remember when I was last mellow and all was well with the world.

Breathe, take a chill pill.

For me, my chill pill was just the realization I had been out of tune with my daily routine for awhile and it was time to get back on my “formula”  and seek the balance.  Get up, get on my knees, ask God for help today, thank God for help getting through yesterday.  Shower, exercise, and meditate.  Eat, walk outside, drink chamomile (first cup than coffee).  Sit and read something positive and spiritual.  Think.  Write about it.  During my day I’ve paid particular attention to my breaks, i.e. where I take them, that I insist on taking them, and who I associate with.  Also at lunch one day I steered away from the crowd and enjoyed quiet time instead.

Guess what?

My chill pill has worked marvelously, I’m back in a good groove for several days now, even though I’m still at work, and lots of things are happening I must pay detailed attention to.

Peace,

George





Faith Renewal

19 04 2010

It always amazes me when I think I know what’s going on, then life reveals something entirely different.

With bipolar it would appear I have a natural lack of inhibition to see and speak truth.  I can be placed in a situation and know and see the dynamics going on as simply as breathing.

When the lack of truth or denial of what I perceive to really be going on gets to a certain level, I do my best to speak my truth and follow social protocol(after years of attempting to learn it through trial error and grey hair).

If at a certain point I become passionate enough or scared enough about what’s going on, I usually blow my lid.

Afterwards I feel uncomfortable and bad about myself because I no longer like creating the physical mental and emotional feeling inside my body associate with anger fear and reaction.

My last work shift I came on all peaceful after my off time, and within two days was a raging idiot.  (this is the story I told myself and felt on the inside).  I didn’t fill out an evaluation for the class and just left feeling horrible for allowing myself to get so upset.

I come back on shift this time loaded for bear.  I felt antagonistic, ready to fight and defend myself, and be on top of my game.

Instead I’ve drifted into a gentle cloud and all the reasons why I love my job.  Spring, sun on the mountains.  Hanging out with long time friends after work.  No crisis work schedule, no hassles with boss, etc.  etc.

AAAAnd, the bonus round, as a very intuitive person, with extreme sensitivity, that I’ve slowly become aware of and sought out spiritual and positive metaphysical philosophy and practises to compensate for(ie:dealing with bipolar disorder and manic depression), I’ve become a defacto life coach.

In my remote work place there are no towns or local resources for helping people through life challenges when they occur here.

What I am amazed about is every time I think, it’s time to move on, I’m shown new people, new struggles, in a remote place I feel adjusted to, that need someone who is able to listen, ask questions, and listen more, as they figure out what they need to create or perceive in a new way in their life.

Also, an evaluator, and a fellow student called me about the previous class in which I blew up in and felt horrible about.   Both assured me my behavior was appropriate, the instructor was out of line, and thanked me for sharing my wisdom and truth about the situation, and asked me what could be done better in the future.

This left me renewed and dumbfounded on many levels.

It also affirmed, what is truth?, what is story?, and do I really think I know whats going on?

My gratitiude for today:  I love being who I am, and I really love it when I receive feedback, that who I naturally am, actually helps and is of service to others, who may not always be as aware of dynamics, or as trained in articulating perception when it boils over.

My affirmation for today;  I trust the process of life, and the divine intervention and guidance when it is needed.

In deep gratitude,

George





Thillyness

27 03 2010

I feelthh, goofyness.  YUPS, it’s the giddy time of the month.  Issues aren’t bothering me, work has been easy, I’m laughing, verbose, and dancing through the negativity.  I’m positively jolly.

I’ve observed my inhibition word editor in my brain is not paying a whole lot of attention.  I really wasn’t that interested in paying attention while I drove yesterday.(no worries, I’ll get really grounded before I drive today, or I’ll find an excuse not to drive and enjoy the inner bliss instead)

The joy of relaxing a little to be in the first stages of an upswing, and be able to pay attention enough to know, at some point soon, extra grounding exercises would be a good idea.

For the moment I’m joyfully happy, hopeful, and somewhat still calm.

Thank God for moments like this with bipolar where all is well and my highs and lows aren’t getting me into trouble.

Thank God I know the signs of when to slow down or speed up to get around the swings when they come surging through.

Thank God for the ease I feel in this silly moment, and all the smiles from people who can enjoy moments of levity from a goofy nut like me when I want to wag my tail and talk funny, even if I am “working”.

Tickles,

George





An Alan Moment

23 03 2010

“If something can be done, I can do it.” Alan Cohen, A Daily Dose of Sanity.  March 23rd.

When in doubt, refer to step A.  (by the way this is a note to self blog)(I had several blowouts over the last week with a teacher in a class)(when in doubt I refer to the root of my spiritual path, books)(favorite Author, teacher, friend, coach, confidant=Alan Cohen)

I was a total jerk for the last 4 days.  I blew my cool, yelled, felt like an idiot, and repeated the cycle.

The good news is, I’m not currently delusional about my spiritual status.  I’ve obviously uncovered another layer of my onion that needs a healin.

As my claws begin to retract and my horns slide back into my skull and my dragon flame words begin to reside, I comfort myself with reading my teachers words.

It never ceases to amaze me, how fast Alan can cut through my crap, and help me feel better about myself, and focus on the solution.

The bottom line is, I’m scared, and I took it out on someone else in the form of anger.  Someone who was actually trying to help.  Albiet I didn’t agree with his methods, yet honestly, the guy wouldn’t be trying to teach me new skills if he wasn’t interested in helping me get through this transition in my life.

It’s amazing how uncomfortable I feel in my body after I’ve had a blow out.   I know I need to sort out a bit more what really happened.  Open my mind and heart to gain perspective, and reconnect with the instructor in a way which can rebuild the relationship.  If I don’t do this, A) I will always feel uncomfortable about this memory.  B) It will just be more fuel for dragon words next time I erupt.  C)I’ll miss the good stuff from looking inside to figure out really why I erupted.  No matter how many times I point my finger at him, it’s really 3 pointed back at some part of me, I ain’t willing to accept or deal with yet.

So I read and ponder Alan’s words today, and know, I can do this.  I can look in my heart and sort out this funky energy to do my part in repairing a currently difficult working relationship, I can overcome my fears in a new career.  I can overcome this manic/anger swing, and get on with my most of the time peaceful life.

This is how I live bipolar, a day at a time.  This is how I recover from blowouts, before they drive me into a manic rage, or avoidance depression.  I capture the little things as they happen, and do my best to quickly speak/write my real truth until harmony is once again present.

Some people I’ve raged at over the years, are not open to reconnecting, that’s ok, as long as I am willing, my energy remains positive and free to focus on being peaceful in my life, and doing my best not to create future circumstances in which I erupt in.

Thank God for teachers like Alan Cohen that help me find my way back to peace inside when I am ready.

Breathing,

George








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