Two Cups

9 05 2015

two coffee cups

Sometimes it takes two cups of coffee to crank the brain in the morning, ok I’ll admit it, two cups with 1/2 1/2, that is. ? Ok FINE, I confess the eating method I’ve very successfully been on for about a year limits my carbs to 1 hr a day, and cream in my coffee is limited to only 1 a day which sucks when I need 2 and is cool when I want to break the rules which is often, and yet I’m still gradually letting go of poundage, thank God. But this rambling nonsense is not what I wanted to blog about.

I’m putting it off because I’m scared. Shitless that is. I haven’t felt like writing so I’ve been reading other bipolar blogs. Here is a BIG thank you to ALL bipolar blog writers. I have one comment for all, I RESEMBLE THIS!

Ok fine, said that. Bipolar and Relationships. That’s what I’m scared shitless to write about. It’s what I purposely avoided in my book.

Thank God for other bipolar writers, because, wow, I’m alone in life, but not in community with other bloggers about the topic.

Bipolar. Maybe I should start there. The more I read about other bipolars, the more it affirms basic truths. It matters not, what path, ethnicity, gender, preference, lifestyle, economics, age etc. Bipolar is what it is. It doesn’t seem to matter if we choose medication, organic, or hybrid methods of treatment. Bipolar is a very active roller coaster ride, yes it can be smooth and boring occasionally, but we never seem to know when a normal mood is gonna go sideways fast and hold on to see where we end up.

Relationships. Honestly. I gave up years ago. A)I seem to be attracted to members of the opposite sex who end up taking advantage of me. B) I am a high maintenance freak show at times. C)I lose myself completely, and who wants to live with a subservient ghost? D) When I’m triggered off my rocker bat shit up or down crazy, 99 people out of 100 only make it worse. The one cure all I can rely on, is copious amounts of time, me, alone, nature. Preferably with access to sweating and creating. Period. That is my reset cure.

It doesn’t help that I do shift work. I’ve found remote industrial work, is a good routine for me, I’m gone for a couple weeks, and then I”m off. No matter how screwed up I get at home or work, the other is a sure fire routine for coming back on track.

So living my life alone with bipolar, sans medication, I’m quite successful. I have long term employment in a job I’ m highly suited for, I self -regulate my bipolar, and have many hobbies.

Now I feel like an embarrassed idiot, but I want truth to be shared. Yes I am living a bipolar life without meds, drugs, or alcohol. But I’m still batshit crazy at times, and just don’t seem to have relationships any where on the priority list. Every time I get involved, it ends in disaster. I concluded long ago, I am the common denominator, and yes I have dedicated decades, and thousands of dollars to therapy, workshops, ad nauseam etc.

Which leads me to the one relationship I have always relied upon. I’m not a member of any religion. But there is something unseen greater then me, I have always been able to access when I’m truly sincere, open and humble, which gives me peace, comfort, connection, and releases all fears and worries. When I truly open and ask the universe for help, I have always received whatever I truly needed in the moment. This is the connection I’ve rededicated my life to again and again, and this is what I feel like my life purpose is, to be connected, and to be available to help others who are temporarily lost, to feel connected again. This is the deepest peace I’ve discovered in my bipolar journey, I may not be connected in a traditional socially acceptable societal means with other humans, but I have plenty of time to reconnect as needed inside, with what appears to be, everything.

two coffee cups





Leaf Sway

1 02 2015

il_340x270.461955452_8xysLush white birch outside my dorm, crickly dried up maple in New England, continually green southern clime green leaf flow. I love leaves in gentle wind sway. They bend twirl flow and eventually let go, different kinds and cycles everywhere I go. Bipolar is cycles within cycles. Bipolar functionality is awareness, what cycle when where how prep, renew. We know we will be up and down. We know we will react, planned or not, yet how? How do we intercept our insanity long enough to choose the lesser paths of destruction, and the gentler path of letting go and renewal? Do we even have/want a choice, yet?

Leaves sway and say listen, gentle listen, for the cycles. We grow off flexible twigs, we bring nourishment, we dance in the breeze, and flow away, to nourish the earth, wherever we land.

Leaves, leaves of all kinds, interesting green bushes, or background for intricate delicate flowers no matter, leaves are an element of attention, indoors or out, whispering gentle reminders of flows, cycles, renewals…

Sway on





A Course In Miracles

3 01 2015

It’s time to admit my latest sneaky technique of wiggling past my obstructive ego. I’m cheating and benefiting from it. In order to figure out how to complete the other parts IMG_5898of my audio book I decided to purchase and listen to a few of them. I got a copy of A Course In Miracles, which I have tried and failed for 20 years to read and complete, and yet so many teachers and books are based on it or use it as a core. Anyway, it was too sleepy for me to drive with so I put it on to listen to it at night when I have(correction/had) insomnia. Here is the sneaky part, ever since I play it when I’m ready to go sleep, I drift off a lot quicker, and when I do wake up, I listen as long as I can before I’m out again. I’ve been getting 7 to 8 hours of sleep a night for about a month now. I’m not sure what the rest of the course is about, but that’s a big miracle for me.

Here is the double sneaky part. It’s having an affect on my waking hours as well. Out of curiosity of what I was downloading to my subconscious every night I went ahead and got an electronic copy of the book to read as well as redownloading an ap I tried years ago with the daily lessons.

AND, I’m kinda sorta doing them, yes I know it’s all wrong and breaking the rules of the course, but yet and, I’m feeling progress.

I’m questioning my angers and judgments. Rethinking my misperceptions, and contemplating more in depth questions than I have in a long time, and appreciating this process very much.

And even though my ego continues to freak out judge, etc, I’m gently moving forward anyway, I figure who cares if I do it right or get it right, whatever that is. What if I gently skim thru, pick up what benefits I can, and then cycle thru again. It’s what I’ve done with all of my favorite metaphysical texts over the years.

Today I read about shame and judgement. Wow, that was a shot between the third eye. Big tears, moment of growth, yet grateful. What I actually read, or maybe even heard last night was about guilt and responsibility, how they are connected. By chance I read ;Alan Cohens, “A Deep Breathe of Life “ April 19th. He always explains it with language and metaphors I can understand and begin applying in my day.

Tis the season for spiritual growth in the dark, wether we run to or from it.
Happy New Year
George





Cave Visit

14 07 2010

It’s sunny outside, I’m dark inside.

I need God.  I need connection. (breathing sigh of relief) this is sometimes the most difficult part of my cycle, acknowledging admitting allowing when I’m down.  If I allow myself this moment, to breathe, to feel, to allow stillness, sometimes my joy can catch up and open me to the possibility of today.  Pleasantly I’m not focused on what may have brought me down, I’m more interested in this brief visit to my cave to connect with spirit and discover something about this day or in me or with someone that needs to be experienced, I know as soon as I make this discovery or slow down enough to allow insight to catch up, all will be well again.  Thank God for this knowledge, insight, and experience with bipolar to know that even though things feeeeeeel permanent right now, they are actually temporary, and if I were to allow myself to dwell in the dark storms in my head, then I could certainly allow them to rummage around and come up with lots of story to stay here with.  Thank God for blogging, today, I reread my Joy Income and God’s Fools entries and an amazing thing happened.  Something written in my own hand and published while I was in a joy state, is coming back to serve me again.  Not only did I receive joy in writing and sharing it, I’m now receiving the benefits of my own expression.

I am grateful to be bipolar, because it makes life so interesting and perplexing.

The tool I’ve used today for being successfully bipolar, even in low times at work (many obligations waiting for my attention), is writing.  It’s huge for me to record my high states, so that when I’m back in my cave, I can’t deny that joy does exist in my life and I can re-connect if I allow myself time to want it.

The stillness I’ve allowed myself in this current emptiness is already filling with unexpected sources of energy and joy, and lifting my mood as I write to match the sun coming through my window.  Thank you for being a part of my re-opening today.  Energy Hug if you need one,

Breathing much easier,

George





OOOPS! OH well, restart.

22 03 2010

Hey George, READ YOUR BLOG, and follow directions.  ?  YES YOU GEORGE.

?

Remember, coping tool, RRRRRibit.

yeah.

did you???

OH.

OOOOPS!

I had a blow out yesterday.  At the end of the day I reread my blog about just being a toad, and laughed till I cried because I did the exact opposite.  I took insult after condescending insult from my instructor until I blew up in his face.  He finally found and crossed a line in me I was no longer willing to tolerate and be bigger than.

So, with bipolar when I have a blow out.  It’s good old fashioned paper and pen journal time.  I like to call them after action reports.

on page 35 in my book “Living Out of Darkness-a personal journey of embracing the bipolar opportunity.”

I wrote, “it is very helpful to have a written reference in our own hand to go back to and try to figure out what happened.”

What I’ve figured out, is that I am scared.  I have a lot of stability in my life, and I’ve thoroughly enjoyed the career that I have because of the mental challenge, and lots of quiet time in between the action moments.

This time is over, and if I wish to continue with this company, I need to use less of my brain, and more of my body, in an environment I don’t feel comfortable in.

Yes, I could get a new job.  And, I feel so closely connected with my passion of sharing what I learn about my bipolar journey, I wish to linger as long as I can so I can nurture and grow my passion into a potential dream of being financially supported while full time sharing, living in my passion.

Because I am a dreamer.  Because I have lived so much in high states of mind, and survived low states to know the value of living what I am right now.  I am able to keep putting one foot in front of the other, and learn things that scare me.  My current job helped me to realize how smart I was, and how capable I was in figuring things out.  Now I get to learn how brave and physically skilled I can become.

Thank God for my daily routine today, of getting up and walking even when I didn’t want to.  Writing to help sort my brain out(thanks for listening), and reading positive spiritual literature to feed my brain something else besides obsession about my worries.

Thank God I am bipolar, and have dream of continuing to share my passion for it.

Thanks God, for all the people in my life that know the good that I am, regardless of all the other silliness I get involved in.

peace, hugs,

George





Grumpyville or NewGeorge

19 03 2010

I am in a town, a remote town, in which I lived for 7 years as a very unhappy person.  I’m back here for a week taking a class for work.  When I slipped off the plane, got a car and began driving, I felt my shoulders hunch, my mouth snarl, and negative thoughts starting spewing around about how much I used to hate this place.  Kind of like a forgone conclusion that this place is horrible, it’s culturally acceptable to be a grouch therefore I am completely justified in being my old grumpy George.

Fortunately, new george was whispering in the back of my mind, “is this me?”  Do I recognize my current thoughts?  Is this really the way things are here?  What’s really going on?

Much to my surprise I had two pleasant interactions with people.  It puzzled me because this time of year most people have cabin fever big time, and shortness is the common accepted norm.  Later on I was driving around with my buddy I haven’t seen in a long time.  He was happy, I was the grouch???  I am living an awesome life in a warm state nice house close to the beach, and this guy is living here, and happy????

Watching my negativity between my ears all day I realized this could be a veeeeeery long week, or,

New George could take over and focus on all the positives.  I have access to a nice hot tub(sheds the cold), I get to hang out with buddies I haven’t seen in awhile(and they appear to be swell), and thank God it’s not as cold as it could be.  I also have much more food and entertainment options than I would with my normal work routine.

Sooooo, New George says phewy to grumpy george(after thanking him for sharing and giving him a hug)

HI,

George





Higher Path

12 02 2010

“I choose the path that brings the deepest reward to me and everyone concerned.”  from Alan Cohen’s new book A Daily Dose of Sanity, February 12.

Alan talks about the four choices we can make after an event occurs.  Do we wish to be retaliatory, a victim, stoic, or seek a higher vibration.  This is an excellent lesson for me today.  This effects me on many levels.  I have several different views of myself inside; modes I can slip into without realizing it.  Justifiable anger is the often the easiest mode I can slip into.  I am angry because____.  This reminds me of _____.  Therefore I have every right to ____. (and perpetuate the cycle of darkness).  In victim mode, life is hopeless, it’s not my fault so moping and crying is all I need to do.  Wandering around with my diaper full and hoping to gain enough attention so someone will change it for me.  I am also excellent at stoic or what I like to call monk mode.  I surrender to the emptiness, the calamity and the inevitability of karma.  I am therefore I live, and x, y, z events must therefore happen.  Sometimes I call it drift mode.  I can do all my spiritual practices, and know I did what I could, and then just sit back and idle by coping with life as best I can.

And now for the Bonus round.  Seeking a higher path.  With bipolar, I can actively and at times simultaneously run around in the squirrel cage of my brain in all these modes, jumping from one to another as my mood shifts.  And yet sometimes, I manage to slow down enough, get out of the spin cycle, and seek a higher path.  Yes folks, I’m here to tell ya, even bipolar can be a gift, an opportunity, and a blessing in life.  It has been for me.

A higher path with bipolar started with thanking spirit for this unique mind and gift(even though I didn’t know what the gift was yet), and then actively looking for good in the experience.

The path to a higher life with bipolar was long and ardous for me yet the dividends I keep recieving, make it all worth while.

A major root of transformation from victim to healer with bipolar has been the active study of books by Alan and others like him over the years.  From the inside out, thought by thought, which resulted in positive acts, on a daily basis.  Unwiring the “I hate life”, mode to “wow, how cool is this, I can be naturally high without any drugs or expensive workshops, and I can survive dark nights of the soul and gain the insights and grow on a regular basis.  How freeing this is.”

I observe so many people that walk or bump through life, yet never feel great pain or ecstasy transform into real life lived inside of dreams/reality, or opened up inner life to roam and express more freely the joy of life itself.

A higher path in life may not be attractive, juicy, or have all the pizazz initially, yet the deep chuckle and first hand knowing of a person served deeply from a higher act, is deeply satisfying.

at your service,

George





Soul Happy

8 01 2010

Even though technically I’ve been depressed for a month, I wouldn’t trade it for a moment of bliss.  The stillness derived from the depths of patience with my inner soul openings continues to redefine my comprehension of capacity of peace within me, and deepen my loss of the definition of the word depression.

Was I active? Not much.  Did I think happy positive thoughts? Nope.  Did I sit and appreciate calm, stillness, opening to deeper previously untouched parts of me, YES.

Do I have any great plans, motions, insights, go forth go-all?s.  Only openess to the moment as it is.

Two words sum up this deep internal time of reflection(the beginning of my alternative definition for depression),

SOUL HAPPY.

that’s it.  that’s my mission statement for 2010.  In stark contrast to my 500 word essay last year detailing all the desires directions intentions of that moment in Jan 09.

How much can I let go this year, in order to let in.

Whether in solitude with benevolent spirit, or in the company of another human housed angel, how much in-to-me-see-allow, am I able to gently create?

How many extra moments in stillness am I willing to dwell in?

How deeper can my appreciation for simplicity grow?  Hot vertical water, warm tasty food, clean clothes, options for activity in day?

It was at the beginning of my bipolar journey many years ago that I embraced these simple things in life when self medicating through drugs and alcohol, and being institutionalized for 5 weeks at 17, took almost all of them away.

Now as I sit and reflect on my new definition of de-press-in)hmm, in clean clothes covering a clean body that has experienced hot vertical water and soap, tasty food, and deep sleep, all within the last 24 hours, I realize and renew again my commitment to being soul happy.

Having recently accomplished major life go-alls, and currently drifting in between guidance till next passion captures me, I’m allowing this year to be directed entirely by my soul, trusting allowing life to happen exactly as it is.  Letting the rush of excitment or need of my body energy lift me in and through each activity as it appears, whether it be feeling the warm water on my hands in the morning while cleaning last nights delicious meal off my white plates listening for the kettle to hum first cup gift from the Gods Kona coffee water is ready, or the warm feel of peace while exerting my feet on pedals after many miles on my bicycle, or the mutual nod of a travel companion become friend over the course of a casually initiated conversation amongst strangers.

This is my gift and gratitude of being naturally bipolar this last month, and being in a new year.  Able to see feel reflect deeply, and appreciate life that much more simply, because of my internal organic rhythms taking me away from comfortable mental states, and so deeply back into good life, in it’s most simplest and abundant form if I am willing to receive it’s whisper.

Happy New Year,

George Denslow

Jan 2010





Silly Season

16 12 2009

I peeks me head out and asks…is it over yet?

It’s been silly season time inside my head.  In the material world I have absolutely nothing to complain about.

In the other worlds in me, it’s been, …, interesting.

Overall I would rate the experience as good.

pg 20 in my book Living Out of Darkness, “It’s not important how many times I quit exercising, or how lazy I get.  What’s important is how many times I start again.”

same page “With Bipolar, we are going to have ups and downs.  The better we get at picking up after downs and focussing on what worked…”

Maybe I should just stop right here and read my book.  I’ve been ignoring it lately.

The uncomfortable times in bipolar can be difficult and baffling to walk through with those enjoying the gift as well as loved ones attempting to understand.

From the inside, for me, lately, it’s involved a lot of patience.  I haven’t been very willing to do the things I need to do to maintain an even keel or cheery attitude.  The insides have been a bit rapid cycling and bumpy.

And yet.

My holistic non medicated approach to bipolar all these years, when I’m on vacation(like I have been), sometimes I let it all hang out for a bit.  I let my mind and emotions wander, and see what they uncover and discover.  Sometimes it’s comfortable, sometimes not.

I have noticed my rawness lately hasn’t been nearly as hairy scary as that last time i took a vacation from “doing everything”.

I also notice a deeper, more satisfied peace, all the bugaboos, and ugliness my ego and mind tried to come with regarding how I was this or that in a negative light, have failed and faded.

I can’t help but think that some of the muck, attempting to cover up my light and mental stability, has evaporated a little bit more.

My tools for the day/last 3 weeks/or whenever it was I last blogged, have been patience(just sitting), and letting go(breathing), spending as much time as I can out doors, on my bike, driving somewhere.

The other day I was in a funk and needed to get stuff done to go back to work, and it was obivious two people were wandering around in different directions in my body, so I got on my bike in the sun to an excellent salad place, took my journal to write out priorities/clear out headspace/ and figure out what was most important to do next.

By the time I got back to the house I was more focussed for awhile.

To anyone else who may feeeeeel the silly season, as a mixed blessing, I’m with you.  We’ll get through this, and my favorite holiday is coming…A WHOLE NEW YEAR, Wow!

Blessings,

George





Miracles Happen

2 12 2009

It never ceases to amaze me the power of prayer.  Yesterday I was slowly creeping out of a dark time on the inside that lasted about two weeks.  After a long prayer in the shower, and completing my daily routine, I was able to be a little bit functional with my passion of sharing the good of bipolar.(which is kinda difficult if I ain’t living the dream in the moment).  After a little bit of sucess, I was able to do a few more details.  The energy and the miracle of the day, came from the passion and truth that I am living.  Even though I started the day dark and muddy, I ended the day on a very clear happy energy.  In fact after connecting with a coaching club I’m involved with, I was so clear, I just had to go howl at the moon on a full moon bike ride(one of my top ten favorite things to do).

It never ceases to amaze me, how dark, how down, how lost, open and empty I can get, and how quickly Grace can restore me to full clear happy functioning and serving in ways I am uniquely created to serve best.  It just keeps getting better.

So many gratitudes, so many tools to share today.

The biggest was being willing to get on my knees yesterday, and ask for help.  It came in many big ways.

The most incredible and enjoyable was connecting with a conscious group of like minded friends who share a passion for helping others through life coaching.

My most favorite, was once my energy cleared allowing my passion to propel me around in the dark on my bike and feel the joy that emenates from me after a dark time has cleared.

“Problems are awesome, because the solutions can endlessly give dividends.”

Still Howling, eagerly anticipating sunset to ride again…and it may even be stormy!

George








<span>%d</span> bloggers like this: