Seed Speed

8 11 2010

Lately I’ve been giving myself a lot of shit lately about my speed.  If I’m so blah blah blah, than why am I not XYZ.  Breathe, George, breathe.  Ahh, better, I’ve been having one of those mornings.

So that’s nice George what have you been being about it and why are you sharing this?

Because by allowing myself to be in the dark side of my moon mind, and allowing myself to be authentically growling while growing through the motions of being “spiritual”, drinking coffee(I consider 100% Kona coffee consumption a sacred time honored ritual), writing in journal all the crap floating in my head(ok so maybe falling asleep having the current drama tv show staring at me is not “spiritual”), and reading this new awesome book in my life, Spiritual Currency, by Fred Chui, breathe(apologies for run on mind flow sentences)(I’m getting to the point here).  Because of the dark side of my moon this morning, I’m arriving at an okness about me.  This is my gift to myself for allowing my current “real self” and “spiritual self” attempt to communicate with each other this AM.

After further spiritual study and the usual OMG I’ve done it all wrong self-judgment phase filtered thru I was able to soothe myself from my “spiritual” studies by playing guitar for awhile (probably the most spiritual thing I’ve done today).

I was still physically anxious and active so I tripped over my dumbbells and since I was feeling like one I decided to lift them for awhile, and then I got distracted by a mess on my paperwork table and saw an image of a treasure map idea to put on my treasure map wall(I’ve given up on small pieces of cardboard artistically arranged pieces of art) I just see image; copy, cut or rip, staple, WHAM, wall.  ADD?, yes.

Wall.

Hmm.

I’m using a wall, large wall, one of many, to create a treasure map.  (Basic prosperity exercise, collect images you desire or uplift you of activities, things, and or experiences you would like to manifest, and create a collage to look at and help you create what you want next in your life.)

Let’s back track here.

15 years ago I was using the dashboard of my residency for a treasure map/altar of my “studio” while going through the Artist Way with Julie Cameron.  It was a 1983 used dodge colt hatchback (very small compact car).

Now I’m using a wall.

It would appear the inside of my seed.(living space representing inside of my head), is bigger.

If following the prosperity principles while living in a tiny car, have lead to living in a huge space, than maybe this stuff is real.

Maybe I’m not in the ideal soul flow I want to be in, but thank God I’m not satisfied yet, and I’m striving for more.  Maybe my seed is not speeding along and accomplishing like I think I should, maybe my life is happening exactly as it needs to.

Even if I haven’t manifested the “perfect” income source, at least I’ve manifested income.  Maybe I haven’t learned bipolar financial management, but at least I’m still willing to be in the game.  (I still get to be my own attendant/patient/manager of my own asylum/home/life)

Maybe life is not about the speed of my seed, maybe life is about laughing at my ridiculousness, and enjoying what is, with a delicious cup of Kona.

Thank you universe for the current lessons I’m obsessing about, and the physical comfort and lifestyle I get to dance it with.

Life,

George

 





Peace in Silver Clouds

17 03 2010

“Emotionally, I express love by forgiving myself and others, by releasing attachments to the past and holding hope for the future.” From the Daily Word by Unity.  March 17 2010.

As I slip deeper and deeper into a well of peace inside of me it’s sometimes easy to forget how I allowed my well within to fill.  I was so distraught by the way I perceived the world around me, so many problems in me around me, so much suffering that I saw.  I even got to the point many times where I just wanted to take on all the suffering I could and just end it all, and take the pain away with me so that no one else had to suffer.

When bipolar has high visions of possibility followed by lows of perception about the vast emptiness, it is easy for sensitive empathetic bipolars to end up with this view.

It wasn’t until I was gradually introduced to a positive view of life, that I began to have hope.  One of my roots of positivity, manifesting good, and become a person able to overflow and serve others, was Unity Church.  What I locked on to was the Daily Word publication they put out and their Silent Unity service.  I never stuck around any one particular area long enough or attended the church services very often, but I always kept a pocket sized Daily Word handy, and the 800 number to call their 24/7 365 prayer service.  I don’t identify myself as a Christian, but I do identify with their positive view of life.

My journey out of the pit of hell, was inch by inch at times but now as I look back and have forgotten and let go of so much of it, every bit was worth it, in order to appreciate the peace I have now.

Bipolar led me to the highs I didn’t understand, and through the lows that seemed to last forever.  Positive metaphysics, helped me helped myself alter my views in a way in which I can see the good in most situations and people as a mere opportunity to create what we want, and discovering what we really want, and than learning how to pass on what we have learned.

Whispering gratitude today,

George





Choosing Feeling

15 03 2010

“What you seek is being broadcast right where you stand.  Your role is to receive…  How can you look at your life slightly differently so that you are aware of more good?”  Alan Cohen, A Daily Dose of Sanity.  March 15.

I have been experimenting with this concept a lot lately.  The art of manifestation for me has recently shifted to focusing on the concept of be the feeling first, and the thing you desire will appear.  Or what do you want, what feeling do you think you will get from it, and access the feeling first.  If I can completely access the feeling first, than I may or may not need the thing or experience.

On a practical note, when I have felt “crazy” or anxious lately, I’ve switched my inner affirmation dialogue from I am peaceful, to I feel peaceful.  My previous experimentations with the whole manifestation process was to focus on tying all of the senses I could into the experience, what did what I want sound feel taste smell like so that I could be that much more inside the experience before it happened.   I have found it much quicker to simply say feel instead of am.  As I repeat this over and over my mind shifts.  Instead of trying to be I am peaceful, it shifts to body, I feeel peaceful.  Annnnd.  It’s been working.  Instead of staying in my head repeating like a mantra over and over again I am peaceful, I am peaceful, in an attempt to avert my current neurotic reaction to life, I simply affirm, I feel peaceful.  I drop into my body much sooner, I calm down quicker, and my reaction to whatever is currently bothering me comes from a different place in me.  It’s easier to see the different angles.

My journey lately has been choosing more carefully my body feeling instead of my head reaction.

feeeeeeling—grrroooovy ; )

George





Divine Sips

6 03 2010

“If you want more of something, give it your attention even before it comes into full bloom.  The flower will not be far behind.”  Alan Cohen, A Daily Dose of Sanity.  March 6.

If I were to take one lesson of Alan’s so far out of this book and give it to someone in a deep pit of personal hell, this is the one I would copy, laminate and give to them.  Here is why;  My personal journey with bipolar for many years was nothing short of horrendous.  My failures, my dramas, and the constant anxiety and chaos I generated on a daily basis, almost got me many times.  It was a lesson like this one many years ago that helped me turn a very significant corner on my journey.  When I began to focus on the pinpoint of light in my life, an ok moment, a successful completion of a task, a meaningful connection with someone where I didn’t walk away feeling like the psycho, they began to occur more often.  This really is a vital and important ongoing lesson.  If I focus on all the crappy coffee I’ve been served or created, chances are, my next cup will taste awful as well.  If I concentrate on all the perfect cups of coffee I’ve ever had the pleasure of being served or brewing, than chances are divine sips are not far off.  This seems real simple, but is it?  I encourage you to find the simplest joy or moment of light and focus on it today.  If you are in a dark place, know for a moment, I am cheering for you, and chances are others who know you are as well.  How committed are we to our problems and darkness, how committed are we to allowing creating joy in our life?  Sometimes it’s as simple as what we allow our minds to focus on in the moment.

Seeing good,

George





Letting Go, gently

5 03 2010

“The contrast can motivate you to make a new choice that will enable you to endure well-being rather than ongoing hell.”  Alan Cohen.  A Daily Dose of Sanity. March 5th

You mean when I stop hitting my head with a hammer it will feel better?  Wow.  When I stop driving down the same streets with huge potholes and getting stuck and find different streets life will get better?  Coool.  I think I’ll get today’s lesson tattooed on my arm somewhere since I need yesterdays on my forehead.  This is such a confusing lesson for me.  On an intellectual level I get it.  On a practical life lesson level, I’ve successfully used it.  On an emotional healing level, I require lots of patience and compassion with my self.

Some behaviors have been easier to let go of then others.  Some I’ve chosen to get to major crisis levels before I was willing to let go of whatever payoff I thought I was getting.  Having intellectual knowledge of an easier path, and personal experience having let go of many things, and continuing with negativity and seemingly harmless or numbing activities, can easily send me into a tailspin.  I wanna wanna wanna now, yet but I, uh, Really?

The good news is over time I have a core of healthy choices and behaviors that is expanding.   I also have a lot of compassion with anyone struggling to let go, and be easier.

*hugs self*

George





Flip it and Dig

4 03 2010

“I march forth to claim the best that life has to offer.”  Alan Cohen, A Daily Dose of Sanity, Mar 4th.

Yeahhhh! Go Alan, Go Alan, he shoots, he scores.  Right out of the park.  Thank you.  Most excellent reminder.  Today’s lesson could probably be tattooed on my forehead.

Lately I’ve been feeling fake, saying my lines, and not really connecting with the moment.  My head has chimed in with all sorts of extra clutter and stories about the whole situation.

So I’ve been flipping it.  I feel fake___I feel authentic/real/whole.  ok that’s nice George but you are still completely in your head, it’s crowded in here.

I put my hand on my heart.  I feel real.  Breathe.  I feel safe.  Breathe.  I feel ok.  Today is a good day.  Breathe.

The present is my most powerful moment today.  Marching forth with my writing, reading and study of Alan’s new book, and completing spiritually focussed course.  Breathing, hand on heart, I am OK.

weird self pipes up, I”m Marvelous Darling, grin.

I officially give myself permission to make mistakes, to be fake, unconnected, disorientated, uncentered and blah blah blah.

I officially give myself permission to restart my day at any moment.  Breathe, place my hand on my heart, and flip my self talk into positives.

Diggin the gold in me,

George





God Hugs

23 02 2010

“If we are disconnected from our Higher Power, we are vulnerable indeed, easy lunch for every beast that lurks in the darkness…When we remember that the power of God sustains us, we can conquer anything.”  from Alan Cohen’s new book A Daily Dose of Sanity.  Feb 20th

No thanks God I’ve got it covered from here, thanks for you help, life is going well. (this is where we insert the game show elevator music as we watch in suspense while George attempts to drive his life from the front of the bus).

an enevitable undetermined amount of time later…

Sometimes occurs in a dark cave of mind, some times on the edge of a cliff(still in the mind), sometimes metaphorically over the cliff and screaming,

uh, God,   GOD,  HELP!!!!!

To be clicheical, (new word I just invented), religion is for those who don’t want to go to hell, spirituality is for those who don’t want to go back or want to find their way back out again.

Currently I’m in a bit of what I like to call a spiritual boot camp.  So far a mild experience.  My folks are visiting.  In all fairness I deeply and dearly love them and all my wars and battles with them ended several years ago, and now we are in a deep enjoyable friendship, which is totally awesome and amazing.

And….the drama and trauma which occurs is completely in my head.

It’s amazing how spiritually lazy I can get, and ignore my daily routine and spiritual practices.  In one way it’s way cool that I’ve been able to create a life in which I enjoy a lot of peace serenity pace, and activity that I can almost evaporate into and not have to proactively make myself do spiritual practices.  Naturally I do meditate, read blurbs, exercise but not purposely or forcefully, and it’s easy to let it slip.

It’s amazing how quickly when I feel a little off center or numb, I gravitate without hesitation, get up shower, gi gong, read spiritual literature, write, meditate.

It’s also so comforting to know, without the slightest hesitation, that God, spirit, higher power, is availible.

I like the call the moment I receive spiritual connectedness and physical relief, God Hugs.

Today was awesome.  I was feeling neurotic, got up did my daily routine, and now I know my day stands a much better chance of enjoying my time with my beloved parents, and not letting my head drama get in the way of discovering a story I haven’t heard from them or a special moment of connection.

Healing is possible for ANYONE, God is availible, ALL THE TIME, take it from a recovering neurotic dark hole cave dweller like myself, peace is possible.

God Hugs to ya on this awesome day,

George





Judgement or Opportunity

21 02 2010

“Can you suspend judgement and let things be exactly as they are?”  Alan Cohen, from A Daily Dose of Sanity, Feb 19th.

Gee, this is excellent timing.  My folks are coming for a visit, and I read a blurb about suspending judgement.  Hmm.  Judgement is the fearmonger of protection.  If I can judge someone I am safe and protected from seeing their point of view.  If I feel vulnerable it is easy to slip into judgement and pushing people away.  If I am busy judging someone than it is so much easier to blow off any real or perceived judgments from them, because I do not acknowledge their thinking.  Judgement has kept me angry and distant from many people for many years.  Here is the juice.  Can I ever really judge anyone other than myself?  Do I really think I know what’s going on with the other person or did I just hire them to exhibit some behavior I do that I am not ok or comfortable with?  Overtime is there anyone that I have judged that with a little bit more actual info about them, I had compassion?  Isn’t it juicy when the ice of judgement melts and a friendship flourishes?  Recently two guys at work pissed me off.  Both were ego maniacs, one was a little napoleon, and the other was unjustly(in my opinion) promoted to a position of authority over me with little or no experience.  How dare they run their company without my approval???  The first guy pissed me off for years so I just avoided him which was easy because he wasn’t on my crew.  The other guy only appeared on the scene within the last year, so I’ve just done the sideways backhanded crab dance around him which is easy for me.  Fortunately on the back burner of my brain is a pot that simmers the “spiritual” nature of me and whispers every now and then how much nicer life would be with more friends and less energy devoted to protecting myself judging others and living smaller.  After revisiting the Napoleon complex guy I overheard he had several health challenged children.  Melted my heart immediately.  No wonder he likes a little more control at work.  Then, when I allowed myself the gift of sitting in uncomfortableness with him, he shared he was a Vet, that saw some pretty intense action.  Immediately my respect level goes way up compassion increases and now I can tolerate, be kind and gentle around this guy, and I’m actually interested in whatever stories he chooses to share.  Funny thing, the other guy turns out has the same situation at home.  I also discovered how similiar he was too me in all my dark ways of manipulating a situation as needed.  When I had compassion for his family life, and acceptance of seeing my dark side displayed so openly by another, I realized he was an ok guy, struggling like I was at times.  I can now admire and take notes from his techniques, and what he has done with that other jerk(oops I mean individual I haven’t fully explored my judgements around), they are coworkers from years back and he seems to interface well and take the edge off when I am most annoyed.  Judgement, it could be the doorbell of opportunity for in to me see with self and others.

Wish me luck as I love with deep compassion my folks,

George





Opportunity

19 02 2010

“…growing beyond past traumas or fears empowers you in ways far stronger than if the event had not happened.  The past cannot impede you because you are far greater than it is.”  Alan Cohen from his new book, A Daily Dose of Sanity.  Feb 18th.

Thank you Alan.  Thank you for guiding me back to inner ancient wisdom.  Thank you for being your part in the chain of light and wisdom that has passed thru the years of humanity.  This process of being human, making the decision to live a life, the lessons we create and allow, and the process of growing expanding overcoming being more than we thought possible, is so fascinating.  I watched my mind play tricks with the lesson of this day.  I was grumpy moody and negative.  Upon first reading I felt even worse.  I was the horse shying away from ghost trees no longer in reality.   As the day grew and expanded and I completed my work duties for the month, the back of my mind kept chewing on my negative reaction to the spiritual lesson for the day.  It finally clicked open when I stopped judging myself for how much of my past I haven’t let go of yet, and starting acknowledging how far I’ve come, and how far I’ve let go of.  This is my lesson for the day.  My initial reactions to words and situations are not always the deepest shade of helpful truth.  Sometimes it takes awhile for my soft gentle spirit to whisper me back to life is ok.  Life is good, and it’s ok what reactions and judgements I have.  Like Alan points out in the message today.  The only place my past exists is in my mind and it is therefore the only place it can be healed.  One of the greatest gifts Alan has helped me to re learn in myself, is the ability to skip the dark, and focus on the light whenever possible.  Yes X,Y,Z events happened in my life and they were horrible.  Yes I could focus on reliving the pain.  OR, option B, behind door number FUN, I could focus on what I really want to create next in my life.  It actually takes less energy and I create more when I focus on increasing the positives in my life rather than taking the same energy to magnify the past.  I’ve also discovered the more I ignore the past and have new fun experiences my perceptions and life experiences shift, and if I happened to glance over my shoulder, I am different, and understand more.  I’m also an incredible strong and deep person.  I know now these gifts came directly from being challenged beyond what I thought was possible early on, time and time again.   Probably the biggest gift and gratitude I have from the past, is my appreciation for basic functions in life, and appreciation of any pleasant moment.  The more I allow myself to focuss on these simple abundant things which occur every day, I am often distracted away from others events that could have upset me in the past.  In difficult meetings I can focus my compassion on a person in a leadership position and try to remain in a heart space.  This occurs because of the pain I have felt in being angry and in my head, and seperated from connection to people.  Comparing notes with a coworker after a difficult session with a boss, I can see how much easier the experience was for me, because my focus is more on the present, and connection with the individual, not necessary their words, actions, or role of authority.  I am also grateful for the huge treasure chest the past gives me.  If things had been simple and easy, would I still be making so many profound discoveries and feeling my life deepen with people from all walks of life?  Does this condone or alleviate the pain in horrendous abuse situations that are happening now in peoples lives?  No.  But I am able to pass on hope, to those still in the firsthand situation like I was many years ago.  People used to look me in the eye, and somehow without words knew what I was experiencing or remembering and were able to communicate comfort, and a knowing trust that if they made it so could I.  This is a beautiful chain of survivers turned thrivers that exists in the human experience.  Yes we can get caught and stuck in victim mode, there is much agreement and support for this, Yes, we can also survive, overcome, thrive, deepen, strengthen, and appreciate life so much more beyond what unchallenged people can easily take for granted.

A bit wordy tonight, thanks for listening,

much love,

George





Impossible!…really?

17 02 2010

“Trust your inner guidance more than external opinions.  The voice of genius has never been a respecter of professional authority”  Alan Cohen from his latest AWESOME!!! book, A Daily Dose of Sanity. FEB 17.

When I was 17 I received a diagnosis of bipolar, manic depressive during a 5 week involuntary stay in a mental institute.  They tried to put me on lithium and I was able to convince them I wasn’t interested and to give me a chance to live without medications.  They did share with me all the depressing “facts” about bipolar, higher than average suicide, divorce, incarceration, etc.  Exciting stuff for a young adult to face.  23 years later, my fingers are in my ears, my tounge is sticking out and my tail is wagging.  I’ve never been locked up again, I’ve travelled internationally, written a book, worked professionally in a challenging career for over 12 years, made truckloads of money and circulated most of it back into life.  If nothing ever happens again in my life I can sit and grin forever.  The “professional experts” had one diagnosis and prediction for my life.  THANK GOD FOR ALAN COHEN, and other spiritual authors and teachers like him, that gave me hope, possibility and encouragement to discover the good and the gift of bipolar and the opportunity that it truely is.  Easy smooth sailing path?  NOPE.  Deepening, opening, beyond my wildest expectations better than I thought possible?  YES.  Is it possible for anyone?  I have no idea.  I have no control over how much how willing and how desparate someone is to improve the quality  of their life and what they are willing to let go of.  I do know, from the inside out, it was possible for a drunk and a drug addict like me to find a way out of hell, and into a life which is pretty awesome.    Do I have a normal life?  NOpe.  Do I enjoy a healthy happy relationship and family of my own?  Nope.  I do enjoy a relationship with my family of origin, loving supportive friends, lots of travel and adventure, and hope, that each relationship I grow in is leading me to the possibility of the kind of ahh I am interested in from an authentic union of autonomous individuals.  Bipolar has lead me on a phenominal journey of discovery.  I could be the poster child of many classic skrew ups in life.  I could also be a poster child for many miracles by the grace of benevolent spirit.  I don’t get any sales or commission from recommending any books by Alan Cohen, I do get a warm feeling in my heart each time I highly recommend anyone struggling with life, to pick up any of his books and begin a journey of opening discovery and altering the course of your destiny, it’s definitely worked for me, and I eagerly anticipate the next chapters in my life.

Big Hug,

George








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