“Crazy” Mental Health helper

29 04 2010

I often feel neurotic between my ears.  I’m not a fashion model, financial expert, or relationship genius.  I also have little passion or energy for these human experiences.  I am a kinetic mental rollercoaster.  I often judge myself or see this as bad.

Today I realized this is actually a gift.  Because I am frequently neurotic, I am also obsessed with overcoming my inner mental turmoil and seeking the balance and sharing the gifts I discover to help me establish and maintain tranquility when I find it.

I thought about this for a bit today.

I would appear the very issues that I struggle and obsess with the most in my life are the very gifts in which I serve others the best with.

Hmmm.  What kind of a celestial set up is that?

If I were mentally stable, would my toolbox of organic holistic mental health techniques be so large and always expanding, would my sensitivity to other’s mental state be so highly tuned?

And here is the kicker that gave me a big ahh let go of all the crap circulating in my head today.

Because I am neurotic, because I have so much obsession with personal mental health techniques, because I have highly tuned sensitivity in these areas, because at times I exhibit immense unflappable calm in the middle of storms, I am often the one people in my “tribe” or local group come to for the big questions.

“When you pray who do you pray to…,”  “My mother just died…”, etc.

Or I hear, you were the only one I could think of that I could turn to.

Even though we may not be experts or genius’s in certain areas of life that currently receive societies approval, even though we may constantly give ourselves shit about aspects or areas of our life, we may actually be learning growing and sharing, that which our tribe really needs.

Is our mental health opportunities, a bad thing, or are they part of a grand design to have some of us focus on big, deep, issues.

The funny thing is to me, when I’m approached with a physical health, financial question, or regular life question, I can jabber out an answer with the best of them and still be clueless,  yet when someone comes to me and asks, “why pray, or is there a God, or what is the meaning of all this crap, I feel right at home.  I feel calm, I feel right, I feel in the moment, meant to be there, fulfilling my role and walk in this life.  Because that is the inner dialogue, bipolar has instilled in me.  What is the meaning of life, why am I high, why am I low, how do I get back to normal this time?

These are the gifts, bipolar gives us, gives me, in which I am deeply grateful for.


Bipolar Vision

25 04 2010

“If you feel overwhelmed during the transition phase, shift your attention to the artist’s rendering.” Alan Cohen. A Daily Dose of Sanity, April 24th

Visionary gifts are the root of the solution for being with bipolar as an opportunity.  Raw bipolar sucks.  Bipolar with awareness, can lead to an incredible life.  The visionary phase, when the minds races the words flow the actions are animated, the dance in the effervescence of being and all is well, is a time to renew strengthen, and gather the thoughts in grounded form.  Thank God for dry mark boards, rolls of white paper and big hands to write on capture ideas.  Many times I used to fly high with bipolar, crash and burn, and stay down hard.  For many years I was so frustrated because I could see so much, and not be able to bring any of it to fruition.  This is the key to success for bipolar today:  Capture your vision.

It could be a pretty picture with camera or pencil, a song, an insight, a moment shared with friend or stranger.

If you already have captured a vision, spend a moment with it.  Look at it listen to it read it fantasize, dream, think, and better yet take a baby step action in it.

This is the key for happiness today:  Babystep in your vision.

This is the advantage of being bipolar.  Because we can be so inside of vision state, it can be our future reality, if we capture and take daily steps towards it.  Yes it is possible.

We visit vision on a regular basis, this can be a gift or a burden.  Daily babysteps release the frustration and doubt, and create the reality of it.  Walking away from our vision deepens our pain and burden of existence in emptiness.

Vision is also our reason for living when times are low.  The more we ground our current vision in daily life with ritual and babysteps, the easier our lows are to negotiate and find a way out of.

I lived years and years with no actions on my visions.  It was a pit of hell I wish never to return to.

I’ve been living in the realities of visions once hoped for many years now, do I still get down?  Yes.  I don’t however stay down as long or as intensely anymore.  And when I am down intensely, the comfort of daily life and positive ritual nurtures me through my low until I am willing to have faith and hope again.  With faith and hope the cycle of life begins again.

Bipolar is not always an easy journey.  The peaks and canyons can get exhausting, and yet the reward of focusing on our gifts is hugely fulfilling.

May your day ease into a deep gratitude your weren’t expecting,


Geek Cool

22 04 2010

“How might you find deeper peace by seeing the world through innocent eyes?” Alan Cohen.  A Daily Dose of Sanity. April 22

I’m not the only geek on site this week and it’s kinda cool.  After reading Alan’s passage today about the simplicity of life and how it might be easier to enjoy with less intellectual ability, I looked at the flip side.  Us geeks can get so lost into the complexity of technology, specifications, our three letter techno speek language etc.  That we totally lose touch/interest in the latest greatest social protocols.  I actually like geek world.  Believe it or not every time I create or repair dial tone or internet connection in a place that it didn’t previously exist, my geek tail wags.

When I observed the other geek at the break table this week, I noticed the others reaction to his 4mm spec custom safety glasses proper alignment of the color coded pens in his pocket for drawing redlines, and mannerism’s in language, it was so freeing.  What’s also cool about this geek is that he has made his own way into the “cool” crowd.  He plays poker with them, studied up, and actually won a shiny new safety jacket off of one of the rough and tough laborers.  He even got his current nickname(Bulldog, although word on the street is he’s trying to switch it to Cobra) put on the jacket, and yet he remains a full-blown geek with intelligence beyond my imagination.

The magic we all take for granted in being able to communicate through technology in a way is an innocent world within itself.   Because so many discoveries by geeks have been developed over so many years, it’s impossible to know it all and new discoveries can be made every day.  Like for example how exactly does the letter A get from me pressing the A key showing up on my screen thru the internet to yours.  I could put you to sleep in 5 minutes or less describing how cool I think it is that geeks figure out how to even get it from my key board to screen much less all the way to yours.

My point in all of this is, wonder and innocence can be found easily in our little worlds.  I saw my sister, a big brain CPA type, get excited about numbers once.  I have electrician buddies that I swear they grin everytime they turn on a new light switch in a room that was previously dark before they began.  They even have a saying, God said let their be light, and then the electricians showed up and made it so.

Passion, wonder and fun are easy and an exciting opportunity to find, and get found in.

When I allow myself to be in the wonder of my technical field, I lose interest in all the politics/policies and mental gymnastics of corporate and coworker busyness.  This allows me to be in a deeper peace while I work/play pending my current level of discovery/enthusiasm.

When I allow myself to be my full geekness, inspite of negative blow back in social settings, I am allowing others permission to be their inner passions more openly.

If you can read this in any other location than my laptop, smile at a geek, it will make our day/week.

From my mobile communications interface unit(laptop),

This is GEO

Signing off. ; )

Baby Step Change

21 04 2010

“Gradual is the way of nature.  Radical change is the way of man.”  Alan Cohen, A Daily Dose of Sanity.  April 21.

Cut copy paste.   Today’s lesson from Alan should be attached as a warning label to adventurers on the positive metaphysical trail.  Yes radical change and revolution in one’s life is possible, AND, the slow gradual process can be frustrating and depressing at times, yet long term commitment to the gradual daily baby step process of change, has yielded results in my life beyond my best projections, for years now.  When I first came across the law of attraction and other such new age concepts, I did all the instant change leaps of faith.  I quit jobs, moved, started new careers, went after passion projects with abandon.  It was an awesome and exciting phase of spiritual growth.  AND, with bipolar it was a very wild ride.

Now, I love keeping my toe in the waters of spirituality, while laughing at my story and perception of reality in my head.  Just this morning at breakfast while consuming my breakfast of late, croissant, bacon, eggs, slurply delicious, I was watching CNN discuss fat kids in school.  I laughed.  My buddy asked why?  I said I’ll probably have to pay a fat tax soon.

What?  Yep, I regularly exercise, eat right, and I also enjoy food.  This could lead to a fat tax one day if mandatory physicals ever come to light.

So he asked again why are you laughing about it?

I didn’t have an answer so I smiled, shrugged my shoulders, and chomped into another mouthful of breakfast heaven.

Some changes for me have come relatively easy or happened years ago that I now see them as easy.  Getting off drugs and alcohol in my early 20’s.  Let go of smoking in my mid thirties.

Food.  HA.  It appears to be a shock absorber in my life for the crap I haven’t dealt with yet.  With my magic wand I would whisk it all away and release the emotions or whatever it is I’m carrying around.

Radical diets have never worked for me.  Been there done that tried a majority of them.

Yet, lately,(aside from my breakfast delight), I have been letting go of less healthier foods and enjoying the all natural delights again.

Today’s lesson from Alan reminds me to be gentle with the long term or what I like to call spin cycle lessons in my life, and to be grateful for the lessons that came easy and keep paying me dividends of joy year after year.

I invite you today to pause, hold yourself, and breathe, for 1 minute, 10 or more.  Just sit, breathe, and appreciate yourself exactly as you are, mind, body, spirit, soul.

I’ll be joining you,



Faith Renewal

19 04 2010

It always amazes me when I think I know what’s going on, then life reveals something entirely different.

With bipolar it would appear I have a natural lack of inhibition to see and speak truth.  I can be placed in a situation and know and see the dynamics going on as simply as breathing.

When the lack of truth or denial of what I perceive to really be going on gets to a certain level, I do my best to speak my truth and follow social protocol(after years of attempting to learn it through trial error and grey hair).

If at a certain point I become passionate enough or scared enough about what’s going on, I usually blow my lid.

Afterwards I feel uncomfortable and bad about myself because I no longer like creating the physical mental and emotional feeling inside my body associate with anger fear and reaction.

My last work shift I came on all peaceful after my off time, and within two days was a raging idiot.  (this is the story I told myself and felt on the inside).  I didn’t fill out an evaluation for the class and just left feeling horrible for allowing myself to get so upset.

I come back on shift this time loaded for bear.  I felt antagonistic, ready to fight and defend myself, and be on top of my game.

Instead I’ve drifted into a gentle cloud and all the reasons why I love my job.  Spring, sun on the mountains.  Hanging out with long time friends after work.  No crisis work schedule, no hassles with boss, etc.  etc.

AAAAnd, the bonus round, as a very intuitive person, with extreme sensitivity, that I’ve slowly become aware of and sought out spiritual and positive metaphysical philosophy and practises to compensate for(ie:dealing with bipolar disorder and manic depression), I’ve become a defacto life coach.

In my remote work place there are no towns or local resources for helping people through life challenges when they occur here.

What I am amazed about is every time I think, it’s time to move on, I’m shown new people, new struggles, in a remote place I feel adjusted to, that need someone who is able to listen, ask questions, and listen more, as they figure out what they need to create or perceive in a new way in their life.

Also, an evaluator, and a fellow student called me about the previous class in which I blew up in and felt horrible about.   Both assured me my behavior was appropriate, the instructor was out of line, and thanked me for sharing my wisdom and truth about the situation, and asked me what could be done better in the future.

This left me renewed and dumbfounded on many levels.

It also affirmed, what is truth?, what is story?, and do I really think I know whats going on?

My gratitiude for today:  I love being who I am, and I really love it when I receive feedback, that who I naturally am, actually helps and is of service to others, who may not always be as aware of dynamics, or as trained in articulating perception when it boils over.

My affirmation for today;  I trust the process of life, and the divine intervention and guidance when it is needed.

In deep gratitude,


Huffing and puffing

17 04 2010

I just wrote a bunch of crap for my blog and deleted it.  What’s really going on, what do I really want to create with my life today?

I read Alan’s entry, How Easy Can It Get?  April 17th., from his book A Daily Dose of Sanity.

What’s really going on?  I’m off my healthy physical routine, I’m wanting to slip back into old mental patterns and behaviors, and when I’m reading positive stuff about divine order and have faith I blow it off or dismiss it.

These are indicators to me that something deeper is shifting and ready to pop.  I can continue to ignore or run from it, or I can allow it to unfold and happen.  When I dig around in my own mind for answers it’s easy to get lost and negative, so I let it be easy.  I am simply aware today that something is going on below the surface, and I gently ask to be shown what it is I’m ready to release and let go of or see or heal or whatever.

This is the juice and where reality meets bipolar for me today.  Spiritual practices are great, but they are actually only training for the real growth opportunities when they show up.  Will I grow or ignore today.

Past experience has shown me that if I deal with what ever is really bothering me today, it will heal easier, than if I ignore it, let it fester, and show up as a blow out I’ll have to deal with.

My question for today to myself:  What am I ready to let go of so I can create what I really want?

Huffing and puffing,


Choosing positive

16 04 2010

“This experience taught me that wherever I am, God is.  I am always taken care of, often in ways I could not control or plan.”  Alan Cohen.  A Daily Dose of Sanity, April 15th.

This is an excellent passage that Alan wrote for today.  It is a story of need, letting go, and being provided for by the natural abundance of the universe in a way he couldn’t have planned.

I’m finding fear and insecurity, and subsequent old behaviors cropping up as I slip back into my work role for the month.

My technique for the day has been to discover what I’m feeling:  insecurity.  Flip it(what do I want to feel=security, safety, confidence, faith).

Instead of identifying my mind and thoughts with what I’m currently actually feeling(fear).  I’m affirming what I want to feel.

In other words the dialogue I’m creating and tuning into through out my day in the back of my head is.

“I feel safe, I feel secure, I feel ok.”  Immediately as I just did this, my body took a deep breath and released it.

This is the miracle of using our minds to create what we really want and need.

Yes, I can let my mind continue to spin in the negative direction it was going when I woke up, OR,

I can identify what I really want to feel, and affirm it, until I do.

I feel peace, I feel calm, I feel ok, I feel release.

Over and over and over.  And it’s working.

This is how I live and deal with the negative racing thought mental spin cycle that shows up in me from time to time with bipolar.

A toolbox of ideas and techniques I’ve been shown or discovered over the years to altar my current mental direction usually before it gets out of hand, and choose/create a future direction and present experience which is much more to my liking.

The passage Alan wrote today is huge for me, because it reminds me it’s not all about me, providing for me.

Even though it would appear the universe thinks I’m strong enough to deal with my current mental opportunities, the universe is also giving me a gentle reminder through Alan’s story of being provided for in unexpected ways, that what I truly need, always shows up.

What I need today, in order to stay in a positive mental direction:

I feel safe, I feel secure, I feel ok.  Breathe.  I feel safe, I feel secure, I feel ok…

Breathing, Releasing, focusing/choosing good outcomes,


Healing Allowed

13 04 2010

“How can you choose healing in spite of the rules?,” Alan Cohen, A Daily Dose of Sanity, April 14th.

One of the many miracles of my life in being bipolar, is the complete disregard of rules.  Granted I have gotten in a lot of trouble, and I’ve also discovered lots of opportunities and new perspectives that I would not have gotten from coloring in the lines.  What I like best about Alan Cohen’s work is a blend of teaching spiritual principles, and laughing at our rules.   I can get all wound up about this or that, and then I read a daily passage or a bit from one of his other books, and laugh again.  Just because I’m on a spiritual journey of discovering the good in bipolar, doesn’t mean I have to be serious.  Yes, I’m not trying to break all the rules all the time anymore, and I don’t have to get lost trying to conform either.  I love the intensity of bipolar when I’m focused and “online”, which I find myself rapidly moving into as I begin to get back into work mode.   It’s also a good reminder for me today, that sometimes the healing I need just is and occurs naturally on it’s own whether I have any conscious activity involved with it or not.

May your day be feeled, with a deep ease,



Spring Again

12 04 2010

“The apparent reason for your meeting is just the springboard for a potential experience of connection and expansion.”  Alan Cohen, A Daily Dose of Sanity, April 12th.

Sometimes I pull the plug out and let myself drain.  Completely.  I don’t excite manipulate encourage or coerce.  Yes it’s great to have a healthy daily routine and enjoy life.  Yes I have phases in which I feel completely empty.  I used to worry fight struggle tell story and freak out friends and family over this.  Fortunately I’ve been around the Sun enough times, and stayed up with the Moon to know two things.  1)it happens. 2)it will pass.  Which leads me to the biggest thought I had this time.  So What?

Yes, inside the tunnel of emptiness thoughts can stray to the ultimate darkness, things don’t get done, and I’m not happy go lucky.

My point is:  When I meet my emptiness, and allow it to fill me, what is the ultimate connection and expansion?

True dark complete emptiness, scares the fertilizer out of me.

When all the crap that’s been floating around in my head gets scared away and drained out by my own darkness, I can begin again with what truly matters to me next in creating in my life.

I didn’t write, pray, meditate, or exercise.  But I finally did something I’ve been wanting to for a long long time.  I said the heck with my fear(crap in head) and said yes to a burning passion to purchase hardware and training for a home audio studio.  This scares the new crap out of me.  This set me on fire.

Now I can record my book in audio form, record blogs, and inspirational guided meditations.

Maybe it took my complete emptiness, and lack of busy-ness to uncover my burning me.

Shakin in a good way,


Unplugged, Ahhhhh

7 04 2010

Plop Plop, fizz fizz, my brain finally disengaged from whatever current obsession it had and is finally relaxing.  It’s awesome to have the use of turbo thinking power on demand, and yet my favorite part is when I am able to let go and just relax.   Thank god for awesome life coaches, and friends with spiritual perspectives that can gently guide me back from my intensity between my ears and reintroduce me to life is good, abundant and ok, exactly as it is.  Sometime I get so worked up, obsessed worried, non stop, I forget to just breathe and allow life to happen.



%d bloggers like this: