Bipolar Rocket Science

30 11 2013

 

RocketManreposted from 1/10/10 (still true as ever)

Yes Houston we have cleared for flight all systems functioning big ahh is being heard.  OHHH thank God mental phases pass.  Never ceases to amaze me how good my job is for me.  Bingo 2nd post of New Year and George has already lost it.  No seriously.  The routine of work is good for me.  I am completely open to retiring as a full time bum/speaker/blogger, yet and in between times, the discovery of a job I’m actually talented at and desire to get up early to do “spiritual” pushups, ie a little exe, Gi Gong, daily reader(with a positive focus), meditation.  I almost sprayed coffee again on a friend the other day when she said oh you are so spiritual and disciplined.  Hmm.  When a mental institution is in one corner of the ring, an alcohol and drug addiction which leads to cuddling up to dumpsters in another corner, and the ability to fly off the handle at any and all perceived idiots is in another corner, and behind door number 4;  Do these simple things everyday and you have a chance of being functional, and having preferred choice of activity on and off the job.  Uhh.  Hmm.  Walk around in a bathrobe and slippers behind bars, puking all over myself, yelling at anything, uh could you repeat option 4 please.  Yes, it’s called a daily routine.  Wakes up my body, mind, and spirit, and puts me on a path that leads to interacting in a semi sane way with most people and situations, and gradually leads me to improving the quality and options in my life.  Now add 20 years.  Nope, not disciplined and spiritual, just lazy.  I’ve discovered after much research in all corners of the ring, that taking care of myself, leads to a much lazier and enjoyable life.  Thank God for being bipolar today, so that I can cherish the simple and the profound gifts that have come to me from running from the dark results available with bipolar and into gifts which come from, spiritual practice.  KEY WORD HERE.  P-R-A-C-T-I-C-E.  What is it the black belts of 12 step say(I’m referring to the Al-Anon ers.)  Practice not perfection, raising a virtual toast to that one.  Which reminds me of an unmotivational poster I heard about yesterday that almost sprayed my second attempt at drinking coffee.  ”Not all of us are capable of being astronauts, get over it”, well, fortunately for us bipolar types, we can rocket all around the place on and off demand at times, and when we teach ourself how to pilot our own minds in order to negotiate organic rhythms in our lives, then we too can see sights within beyond our wildest imaginations.

cruisin the good life,

George





Energy Up Batman!

29 10 2013

Image 2Up turn here Clyde.  Slow, weather, bed, warm, ahh.  Alert Alert Alert.

Slippy time is hear to see and say, nope, I chose active.  Natural rhythm weather easy slow deep empathy cycle recharge, but nopes me choose active.

change music to pop track, move move move, remote robotic control if necessary.

“With vision, you have a reason to live through the low times and a motivation for getting out of bed, taking excellent care of yourself even when you don’t want to, and the joy of bringing something beautiful into the world.” pg 51, Living Out of Darkness.

While my mental insides may be processing all input from spring summer soul growth harvest, I do not have to let my feelings rule/control my body.  Keeping my body active, while my emotions are turbulent, this time of year is important.   I do allow moments of sitting but it’s a slippery slope for me.

Staying in touch with my inner empathy and grief is important, because I never know who it may be connected with or what is ready to heal.  Brief gentle following of thought thread can lead to a family or friend in quiet need, and a phone call or contact can help lift them up, and I feel good for having allowed/followed internal empathy intuition.  However, dwelling in unknown empathy, or tugging on the chords, can lead to unwanted helping of others, or bring both our energies down.  

Successfully passing thru this initial stage of winter, staying active, consciously empathetic, and rebooting positive daily routines, can lead to an enjoyable winter.  It’s also good for me to pick up mentally interesting and mystical books like the Tao Te Ching to help sort refresh eternal questions.

wiggle the hips jiggle the flab,

long way to spring people,

let’s MOVE!!





Full Circle

20 11 2010

Oops, we forgot to tell you that your journey, NO MATTER WHAT, can bring you inner peace.
pause
What’s up George?
What do you mean?
Anything can give you peace???

Yep.

What if the gifts of your journey were your greatest assets?
Rummaging around in the back of my soul lately has been several concepts dancing around until they find the right mesh to emerge, this might be one of those days.

On my updated treasure map/wall lately I put up the biggest most outrageous dream vision I can think of, a collage of Oprah holding my hand as we chat about my book and the gifts of being bipolar.
Anytime I get outrageous and think juicy thoughts about possibilities in my life and even dare to cut paper pictures to help create what I desire and glue staple or paste even attach to my fridge with magnets the biggest vision I can currently think of.
Guess what follows?

Yep, you guessed it.  I’ve renamed my inner critic, as my inner engineer.
His opening round in my head was impressive.  He said, “What the heck is Oprah going to smile about when she hears your story, and delusions about the gifts of being bipolar.”
Here is the brilliance of life coaching in action with in one’s own mind.
This is why I’m busy typing and patting myself on the back for my absolute genius of being me.
I said. “OK Mr. Engineer, what the heck would I say?”
Fortunately my inner engineer is as big of a brain as I am with attached ego, and he didn’t hesitate for a second.  Inner Peace.
That stumped me, but I soon found the thread I was chatting about earlier wandering around in the back cave of my soul.
What if the gifts of my journey are my greatest assets?
What if my daily practice of applying positive thinking techniques to the opportunities in my life for the past 20 years has produced a very toxic by product with a life of it’s own.
What if no matter what is going on, if I can somehow find my way back to a positive thought opening, I get hope in the present.
What if taking positive actions no matter what over many years has led to…here it is…inner peace for having taken the action. What if years of thinking positive thoughts, taking positive actions, has led to an asset in me which no car, relationship, job, house, financial statement, health issue, big or small, can take away.
Right George, I know you, you’re not peaceful all the time why just the …
You’re right Mr. Engineer (I give my inner critic a surname because he pays more attention when I stroke his ego), You’re right Mr. Engineer, would you please go back through the history in our mind and sum up the percentage of inner peace I felt 20 years ago verses today?  Would you please place on a scale the amount it takes to throw me off today verses….
OK OK OK, I get it replies Mr. Engineer.
Let me rephrase my original statement, positive thinking techniques consistently applied no matter what over time develop an inner asset, nothing can take away.  Yes crap happens.  Yes I get pissy upset angry angst etc etc etc.  But here is the newsflash, they are not the predominant themes between my ears anymore.  Do some events kick my inner guru butt much more than others? Of course.  But the next time around they don’t.
By the tone of my words it’s sounds like I’ve found my soap box which is not always a peaceful place because ego is usually not that far off.  So I will acknowledge right here huge gratitude for the events in my life these last three months that have led me back to that which I love to share with anyone, anywhere, whenever I can, inner peace.

Loving silence,
George

http://www.georgedenslow.com





Seed Speed

8 11 2010

Lately I’ve been giving myself a lot of shit lately about my speed.  If I’m so blah blah blah, than why am I not XYZ.  Breathe, George, breathe.  Ahh, better, I’ve been having one of those mornings.

So that’s nice George what have you been being about it and why are you sharing this?

Because by allowing myself to be in the dark side of my moon mind, and allowing myself to be authentically growling while growing through the motions of being “spiritual”, drinking coffee(I consider 100% Kona coffee consumption a sacred time honored ritual), writing in journal all the crap floating in my head(ok so maybe falling asleep having the current drama tv show staring at me is not “spiritual”), and reading this new awesome book in my life, Spiritual Currency, by Fred Chui, breathe(apologies for run on mind flow sentences)(I’m getting to the point here).  Because of the dark side of my moon this morning, I’m arriving at an okness about me.  This is my gift to myself for allowing my current “real self” and “spiritual self” attempt to communicate with each other this AM.

After further spiritual study and the usual OMG I’ve done it all wrong self-judgment phase filtered thru I was able to soothe myself from my “spiritual” studies by playing guitar for awhile (probably the most spiritual thing I’ve done today).

I was still physically anxious and active so I tripped over my dumbbells and since I was feeling like one I decided to lift them for awhile, and then I got distracted by a mess on my paperwork table and saw an image of a treasure map idea to put on my treasure map wall(I’ve given up on small pieces of cardboard artistically arranged pieces of art) I just see image; copy, cut or rip, staple, WHAM, wall.  ADD?, yes.

Wall.

Hmm.

I’m using a wall, large wall, one of many, to create a treasure map.  (Basic prosperity exercise, collect images you desire or uplift you of activities, things, and or experiences you would like to manifest, and create a collage to look at and help you create what you want next in your life.)

Let’s back track here.

15 years ago I was using the dashboard of my residency for a treasure map/altar of my “studio” while going through the Artist Way with Julie Cameron.  It was a 1983 used dodge colt hatchback (very small compact car).

Now I’m using a wall.

It would appear the inside of my seed.(living space representing inside of my head), is bigger.

If following the prosperity principles while living in a tiny car, have lead to living in a huge space, than maybe this stuff is real.

Maybe I’m not in the ideal soul flow I want to be in, but thank God I’m not satisfied yet, and I’m striving for more.  Maybe my seed is not speeding along and accomplishing like I think I should, maybe my life is happening exactly as it needs to.

Even if I haven’t manifested the “perfect” income source, at least I’ve manifested income.  Maybe I haven’t learned bipolar financial management, but at least I’m still willing to be in the game.  (I still get to be my own attendant/patient/manager of my own asylum/home/life)

Maybe life is not about the speed of my seed, maybe life is about laughing at my ridiculousness, and enjoying what is, with a delicious cup of Kona.

Thank you universe for the current lessons I’m obsessing about, and the physical comfort and lifestyle I get to dance it with.

Life,

George

 





Bipolar Rage, Happy this.

29 03 2010

It’s daze like today, the bewildering aspects of bipolar-disorder could easily lead me to medication.

It’s days like today, my years of experience with bipolar journey, doing everything holistically I can to ride the monster, and knowledge that this too shall soon pass, that keep my body free of chemicals, and allow me to discover the spiritual lessons and triggers that are causing this rage.  Split seconds here and there I’m gaining clues as to what set me off, and what I can do about it.  It’s also having lots of compassion for my high speed mind today, to know I just need to take some mental notes like these so that when I do calm down slow down enough I can reevaluate, what’s really, really going on.

I woke up refreshed did my daily routine, yoga, meditation(it was deep and wonderful today), cup of tea, walked to work.

1 hr later, I am in a rage(so far interally, no verbal or email bursts with permanent damage).

It’s one of those but for the grace of God daze.  With a little more prodding or lack of grace, my audio circuit(voice) and or fingers(emails) could get me into a lot of trouble.

Humorously I call this male pms.

So George what are you doing about it?????

Breathing, rage spin cycle between ears.  Fully appreciating friends that are calling and interrupting my head spin cycle.

Ok that’s great George, what else can you do.

Drink more water, stomp my feet, go for a walk outside, rearrange schedule a little for work stuff with less people, good good good,

NOW, George, go do it.

still here?

I hear ya buddy, it’s just not an easy day is it?

It’s ok.  You’ve made it to half time(noon).  Now we can carefully design this afternoon to the best of our ability, take lots of breaks, turn off the computer, phone, and just focus on hands working on something outside.

My key for success with bipolar and a job today:

Flexibility in schedule and skill set with hands, vital.

Peace,

Thank you for the hugs today,

George





OOOPS! OH well, restart.

22 03 2010

Hey George, READ YOUR BLOG, and follow directions.  ?  YES YOU GEORGE.

?

Remember, coping tool, RRRRRibit.

yeah.

did you???

OH.

OOOOPS!

I had a blow out yesterday.  At the end of the day I reread my blog about just being a toad, and laughed till I cried because I did the exact opposite.  I took insult after condescending insult from my instructor until I blew up in his face.  He finally found and crossed a line in me I was no longer willing to tolerate and be bigger than.

So, with bipolar when I have a blow out.  It’s good old fashioned paper and pen journal time.  I like to call them after action reports.

on page 35 in my book “Living Out of Darkness-a personal journey of embracing the bipolar opportunity.”

I wrote, “it is very helpful to have a written reference in our own hand to go back to and try to figure out what happened.”

What I’ve figured out, is that I am scared.  I have a lot of stability in my life, and I’ve thoroughly enjoyed the career that I have because of the mental challenge, and lots of quiet time in between the action moments.

This time is over, and if I wish to continue with this company, I need to use less of my brain, and more of my body, in an environment I don’t feel comfortable in.

Yes, I could get a new job.  And, I feel so closely connected with my passion of sharing what I learn about my bipolar journey, I wish to linger as long as I can so I can nurture and grow my passion into a potential dream of being financially supported while full time sharing, living in my passion.

Because I am a dreamer.  Because I have lived so much in high states of mind, and survived low states to know the value of living what I am right now.  I am able to keep putting one foot in front of the other, and learn things that scare me.  My current job helped me to realize how smart I was, and how capable I was in figuring things out.  Now I get to learn how brave and physically skilled I can become.

Thank God for my daily routine today, of getting up and walking even when I didn’t want to.  Writing to help sort my brain out(thanks for listening), and reading positive spiritual literature to feed my brain something else besides obsession about my worries.

Thank God I am bipolar, and have dream of continuing to share my passion for it.

Thanks God, for all the people in my life that know the good that I am, regardless of all the other silliness I get involved in.

peace, hugs,

George





Peace in Silver Clouds

17 03 2010

“Emotionally, I express love by forgiving myself and others, by releasing attachments to the past and holding hope for the future.” From the Daily Word by Unity.  March 17 2010.

As I slip deeper and deeper into a well of peace inside of me it’s sometimes easy to forget how I allowed my well within to fill.  I was so distraught by the way I perceived the world around me, so many problems in me around me, so much suffering that I saw.  I even got to the point many times where I just wanted to take on all the suffering I could and just end it all, and take the pain away with me so that no one else had to suffer.

When bipolar has high visions of possibility followed by lows of perception about the vast emptiness, it is easy for sensitive empathetic bipolars to end up with this view.

It wasn’t until I was gradually introduced to a positive view of life, that I began to have hope.  One of my roots of positivity, manifesting good, and become a person able to overflow and serve others, was Unity Church.  What I locked on to was the Daily Word publication they put out and their Silent Unity service.  I never stuck around any one particular area long enough or attended the church services very often, but I always kept a pocket sized Daily Word handy, and the 800 number to call their 24/7 365 prayer service.  I don’t identify myself as a Christian, but I do identify with their positive view of life.

My journey out of the pit of hell, was inch by inch at times but now as I look back and have forgotten and let go of so much of it, every bit was worth it, in order to appreciate the peace I have now.

Bipolar led me to the highs I didn’t understand, and through the lows that seemed to last forever.  Positive metaphysics, helped me helped myself alter my views in a way in which I can see the good in most situations and people as a mere opportunity to create what we want, and discovering what we really want, and than learning how to pass on what we have learned.

Whispering gratitude today,

George








%d bloggers like this: