Breathe on the inside

21 09 2009

“Why could I possibly be having a bad day on a day like today?”  pg 60 of my book Living Out Of Darkness.

Bipolar is so much easier when I’m in the smooth flow and things are going great.  Why can’t I be this way all the time.  Why? Why?  Why?  That’s the weird thing.  Things are going great, yet I wake up moody, grumpy, and unmotivated.  Is this common?  According to some stats yes.  Options are to fight the blues, do the routine, and be grateful for obligations which help get us going and back in the flow.  Darkness is so much easier to ignore when we are busy.

Why not just figure it out?  Well that’s a good question pilgrim, I’ll just get out my handy dandy journal and write it out.

A friend of mine once said he actually found the end of the internet and printed out a certificate(his job was even more extremely boring then mine at times).

Days like today, I think blah blah blah.  Same roots different layers of the onions, or different spiral on the staircase, view on the trail going around the mountain.

My success tip of the day.  Baby steps.  My homework assignment, watch “All About Bob”, again.  He was a total neurotic that used baby steps in order to get out of his house, going on a trip, and succeed in life, inspite of the space between his ears.  I watch this movie when I get like this.  Baby steps.  Pack up computer, get to car, go to coffee store.  Expose your inner neurotic tight rope walking self.  Is a holistic bipolar experience easy.  NOPE.

This would be a good ad placement opportunity for the latest miracle cure in a pill.

Alas.  I’m way to independent, have chalked up to many victories/experiences, to being my whole neurotic chemical free self to worry about have comfortable feeling days inside myself.  These happen.  So what.  Good days, distractions, obligations are coming, and if my past several days or weeks is any indicator I could be blissed out on gratitude for life real quick(and those moments don’t get advertised enough).  Could I just have my highs and let go of the lows?, would I, probably, but how would I know so well the experience of calm peace flow gratitude for basic sanity if I didn’t have days of total dark blah?

This is the gift.  I wade through the muck, and the sun will soon shine again.

Peace out


a Monday Happy

31 08 2009

Why are you so happy George?  What could possibly be so good about a Monday morning?  I’m ecstatic, calmly mellowly, ecstatic.  I got up and did my daily routine, “Hey guess what I’m bipolar, so what look at all the good things I can do right now to go in a positive direction today”  pg 96 Living Out Of Darkness.

Today I wave my magic wand and wish everyone that wanted to experience a positive moment in bipolar to enjoy this peaceful bliss, unrelated to any events around me.  Because our interior events can be so contrary to exterior events, over time it can become a freedom.  Much stigmatism and media drama is attached to negative blow outs of bipolar people.  This is unfortunate because there are numerous other moments, people, experiences in/with bipolar that are pleasant, functional, and actually quite useful and productive.  Because I tackled my distractions, moodiness and negative trend that I was on last week, I’m currently on a gradual up swing.  I’m not running around naked or dancing in the fountains(ok once when I was in college, self-medication may have been a contributing factor), I am pleasantly enjoying a day.

It just happens to be Monday.  So What.  I got up, I did my daily routine, and there was no backlog of unresolved issues from yesterday to deal with.  So the positive energy and connection with spirit I generated this morning carried through in my first interactions with people today.  The weather is horrid, yet I’m sunny inside.  I’ve found this to be true many times.  My interior attitude can often be opposite of apparent circumstances.  I’ve been happy when I’m broke and sad when I’m rich and it’s sunny.

If I chose to be positive, it is easy to nudge myself in this direction, over time, over years, with patience, my muscles to be happy have strengthened.  When I’m done with being negative, unhappy, stressed, avoiding life(Which I’m excellent at by the way), then I can move on gently quietly and happily.  No big news flash, just quietly enjoying the deep calm which is available at times with bipolar today.

Happy Hugs


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