a Monday Happy

31 08 2009

Why are you so happy George?  What could possibly be so good about a Monday morning?  I’m ecstatic, calmly mellowly, ecstatic.  I got up and did my daily routine, “Hey guess what I’m bipolar, so what look at all the good things I can do right now to go in a positive direction today”  pg 96 Living Out Of Darkness.

Today I wave my magic wand and wish everyone that wanted to experience a positive moment in bipolar to enjoy this peaceful bliss, unrelated to any events around me.  Because our interior events can be so contrary to exterior events, over time it can become a freedom.  Much stigmatism and media drama is attached to negative blow outs of bipolar people.  This is unfortunate because there are numerous other moments, people, experiences in/with bipolar that are pleasant, functional, and actually quite useful and productive.  Because I tackled my distractions, moodiness and negative trend that I was on last week, I’m currently on a gradual up swing.  I’m not running around naked or dancing in the fountains(ok once when I was in college, self-medication may have been a contributing factor), I am pleasantly enjoying a day.

It just happens to be Monday.  So What.  I got up, I did my daily routine, and there was no backlog of unresolved issues from yesterday to deal with.  So the positive energy and connection with spirit I generated this morning carried through in my first interactions with people today.  The weather is horrid, yet I’m sunny inside.  I’ve found this to be true many times.  My interior attitude can often be opposite of apparent circumstances.  I’ve been happy when I’m broke and sad when I’m rich and it’s sunny.

If I chose to be positive, it is easy to nudge myself in this direction, over time, over years, with patience, my muscles to be happy have strengthened.  When I’m done with being negative, unhappy, stressed, avoiding life(Which I’m excellent at by the way), then I can move on gently quietly and happily.  No big news flash, just quietly enjoying the deep calm which is available at times with bipolar today.

Happy Hugs



Why Journal/blog?

30 08 2009

“Believe it or not there is more room on the outside of our brains then there is on the inside.”

pg 31 of my book “Living Out Of Darkness,” by George Denslow.

For years I’ve journaled  “old school” style paper and pen.  Started when I was 16, working at a car wash trying to keep a roof over my head, food in my belly, and drag my butt through high school.  I was also initiating my drug habit.  Add a dose of teenage angst, and walla, the pages filled.  I shutter when I think of the dark times I struggled through.  I am grateful each day I take a moment to realize some grace was looking over me and kept me alive.

Even though I didn’t know it at the time, I was beginning a mental health history and developing awareness of my challenges.  Getting it out of my head, the good the bad the boring the inane and the ugly are all good.  If my head is spinning a broken record all day, it’s easy to keep the water muddy and not see below the surface.  Like today, I’m dancing around all over the place with no coherent thoughts that I can decifer yet.  But the longer I write the more I can sense an angst and a grief  looming.  I’m growing.  Yes I’m actually in the act of growing right now.  This step for me is huge, publish my inner ramblings on line instantly?  Talk about bipolar to whoever may listen?  Are you kidding me?  What if what I say is huge powerful and uplifting, what if people fall asleep?  The fact of showing our insides in a format we feel comfortable with, wether it be paper and pen, a text, twit, blog, or microphone keeps our minds flowing.  Because i’ve exposed today that I’m uncomfortable sharing unknown deep swirling feelings, will help me stay alert of a potential downward swing.  It would be easy to find an excuse to get angry dark moody, avoid people, find a cave and crawl in.  It would be easy to have my buttons pushed, get pissed off and storm out.  These dark and swirly days are good indicators if I allow myself a moment to sit, feel, and breathe, a healing insight is present.  Breathing is actually the tool I’ve used today so far to not get upset in my interactions with others.  I breathe in for a count of 4, hold for 4, and breathe out for 4.  I’ve been doing this for a couple hours now, when ever I remember.  I can tell that’s it’s helping.  Will I have a blow out today?  Will I have a huge insight?  Will I numb out and distract myself?  Time will tell, chances are since I’ve taken the cork off the bottle of my brain, and attempted to share my inner world of bipolar today, it will go much better then If I had just clammed up and avoided life.

May the divine giggle find a way into your grin today : >


An Aborted Launch

29 08 2009

pg 91 of my book Living Out Of Darkness.  An Aborted Launch, “My helicopter ride was in an instant storm, and I was in the passenger seat again.”

Yesterday, I was ending a trend of distraction and avoidance and started a proactive git er done mode.  I felt really good going to sleep last night because I chewed on the toenails of some current monsters in my life instead of them chewing on mine. Hmm there is a quote in there somewhere I will have to dig out later.  So I open my book today at random, and I read again about an aborted launch.

When I’ve had a series of low inactive or actively unconscious days, and I finally break the cycle, it is easy for me to instantly launch into a hyper active mode.  Often when I’m sitting and avoiding, I think about all the things I want to get done when I’m motivated again.  This is a classic behavior of mine in seasonal transition times such as now.  And today… up early three cups of Kona, four in depth meaningful conversations, ordered more Kona, sent off a gift for a favor, writing my blog, estatic about the progress I made yesterday, looking forward to continuing, checked my email, send…etc.  Get the pic. It’s not even time for 9 am break yet.


So What?


Yep.  I’ve learned over the years to be patient, and functional with my low times.  I used to judge them and go deeper.  I treat myself as gently as I can, because lows…PASS.  Thank God!

So today, I’m on the other side of the coin.  Go. Go. Go…..  So What.  I’ve methodically taken the time when I was low to plan out sift through sort out all the things happening in my life figure out what the priorities are and allowed my energy/manic gas tank to fill.

The tricky part for me today, will be to keep the “editor” on high alert in my control room for inappropriate comments, and my mellow monitor reminding me to sit and breathe now and then.

With these two concepts in mind I can enjoy this day like a white water river float, on a not too difficult river.

THANK GOD FOR Functional manic energy.



Bipolar Fears In Alaska

25 08 2009

Alaska is my summer playground.  It is a totally bipolar state.  24-hour daylight, places to go things to see, I play to my hearts content.  Blogs?  Internet?  Computer???  Sharing my experience with bipolar???  They all drift from my mind as I explore this great land in my truck/portable cabin, I run like a happy dog sniffing out all the sites, the people, and the stunning landscapes that stop me in my tracks and cause a spiritual eruption.  Yes, Alaska in the summer is often that good.  My biggest challenges with bipolar in the summer here is to get enough sleep.   When I get grumpy I know it’s time to find or make a dark room, and lay my body down for a while.  It’s also easy to wonder why my tummy is growling at 10pm and discover, food?  Hmm.

Now it’s fall.  Huh?  It is only August.  Yep.  Northern Alaska changes fast.  There was frost on my windshield the other day.  Now is a tricky time for bipolar.  This is how I negotiate through this season.  My first step is acknowledging it.  Summer is an easy happy time, and I’m sad to see it go.  So this is where gratitude and looking for the good kicks in.  It is a good time for me to check on my daily routine.  Gently waking, getting on my knees, thanking spirit for this day, tai chi, and a moment to sit.

Today I woke up with huge fears.  OMG I’ve got so much to do I’ve ignored all summer fall is here things are busy AAAAAg.  It’s what I call a train wreck.  So I got out of my bed, and did my routine anyway.  Did it take away all the fear?  Nope.  But after distracting myself for a few hours, and circling back through my daily books, I focused on what was my biggest fear of the moment.  And now I’m writing. YEAH!!!  Victory.  Why?  Because I could easily have curled up in a ball in my bed this morning and initiated a huge downer.

So as the seasons change so rapidly here, I find myself on high alert for subtle changes and triggers in me.  How’s my attitude?  How’s my regular, food, exercise, water intake etc.  Vigilance is important to keep my mind open to gratitude, identifying my fears, and tackling them.  This keeps me moving through these transitional times.  They also set me up for the fall season, which is a blast already.  Because I’ve allowed myself a healthy daily routine for years, I now have many super huge dreams and experiences lined out for a fun fall season.

This is why I am grateful today to be bipolar, and embrace it for what it is.  Today it was a motivator to take care of myself, no matter how dark, negative, and grumpy I wanted to be.

May the smells of this day liven your soul, and the sites of the weather intrigue your spirit.

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