So What.

22 11 2009

Last summer I had a conversation with one of my sister’s about turning 40.  She summed up her experience in the 40’s as, get “it” done now, and so what.

Lately my mind has been freakin.  Going forward, going past, making decisions(no actions thank goodness).

In the middle of Mr. Freak Out’s current rant in my head one morning Mr. So What, showed up.  He is used to be called “I Don’t Care”.  But Mr. I Don’t Care, led to negativity, so I fired him, because I wanted to care more about life or find things that I did care about and focus on them.

Mr So What, just quietly said, “So What?”

Today, right here, right now is great.  The forecast looks pretty good for tomorrow.   All the freakouts and bugaboos in my head have to do with possible outcomes of which I have absolutely no facts or empirical evidence for.  But, But, But.  No facts, nadda.  No crystal balls either.

After awhile Mr Freak Out quieted down, especially when I found a fun project for him to work on.  He LOVES, details, planning, researching.  Mr Freak Out, is excellent for vacations.  So I said I would like to go camping and Kayaking, I need a campsite location, what kind of Kayak to get, and I’d like a new bike too.  Off he went with a big grin.

I smiled at Mr So What, and thanked him for helping me out today in the control room of my brain.  So what, is great because of all the very successful failures, and disasters I’ve created in my life.  Having survived a lot of worst fears scenarios, and watched the sun come up the next day with another opportunity to create something different, Mr. So What, is now a good friend.

My tool for the day in dealing with bipolar, was to give Mr Freak Out a fun project to work on, and listen to Mr So What? instead.

Breathing Deeply

George





Triggered

19 11 2009

A couple days ago I successfully manifested an event that triggered me in a not so good way.  It was like I was running on 100% very functional brain power, and a present day physical/mental event shuttered me back into 40% brain power, very non-functioning mode.  It was really weird.  On one hand I was very familiar with walking through the fog half functioning, being bumped like a pinball through the events of the day and the current unavoidable tasks at hand, between moments I had to just sit a bit.  My mood dropped into negative, my positive faith was challenged, and I forgot my golden bipolar rule/suggestion, when I’m down.  Don’t look ahead or behind.  If my view is crappy in the present, chances are when I think about the past, or the future, then it is equally as negative or worse.  This is huge.   If I allow this to occur in my mind for very long, it snowballs into a negative life sucks nightmare, and can triggere a very negative direction.  I also noticed the sun dipping below the mountains, and not being up for very long, a second environmental factor to be aware of and pay attention too.  For this I got out my portable LED SAD light and turned it on for awhile to help with the light deficit.

Not only was I triggered into the past negative mental states, and wandering around a bit confused disorientated and lost, the physical environment was not being helpful either.  My number one tool, for helping me with bipolar the last couple days to get through and get back on track and steer my mind around a major episode opportunity, was to pick up my book, and read.  This is why I wrote my book about bipolar.  When I am in an extremely negative state, I forget the hard earned intelligence and awareness about being bipolar.  The passage that I remembered to read, was my one titled HELP!.  Which is located on page 56 of my book “Living Out Of Darkness”.  Even though I wasn’t feeling very positive or faithful, I remembered that if I physically got on my knees, and asked for help, that it had worked in the past many times, and somehow I would get through my mental fog, fullfill my obligations, and get through this experience.  I did.  Help wasn’t instant, but I got through 1 hr after another, very carefully.  Eventually I remembered, that when I’m negative or currently triggered, it’s not a good idea to make any decisions, that I can’t put off for atleast a week.  I can feel like crap, make a rash decision, take action, and be much worse off, if instead I can just focuss on the present, take care of myself as best I can, and chances are, things might get better soon, and then make decisions and take actions.

Thank God, for God.  Thank God, for grace.

My prayer through this time was “please protect me from myself”.  Even though I lose faith, feel unconnected, if I can intellectually re-member myself with positive physical actions, and reading words that have helped in the past, then so far, I’ve gotten through, with the help of grace, everything I’ve ever manifested in my life, whether it was initially positive or negative.

Today I’m thanking myself for writing a positive focussed book on bipolar, so that I can help myself be a successful bipolar person.

Peace,

George





Barking

17 11 2009

I’m happy excited moving through lots of energy and projects, and my radar tweaks a bit.  It says funky energy alert.  Funky energy alert?  Yep.  Coming from a past of no clear boundaries or definition of, and being an empath(new word I’m discovering and adding to my vocab), it is at first an uncomfortable feeling.  It took years to discover what boundaries were, much less clear ones, how to set, defend, and maintain.  After having them for awhile it took awhile to understand how they can be a little bit flexible.

Anyway,

As I was driving from one location to another(I love driving/thinking/jamming out to current groove which blends uplifts current state of mind), I was feeling uncomfortable.

When I realized it was an interaction with someone that didn’t feel right ie:  Seeing one thing, feeling/hearing another, I realized a boundary that I haven’t had to defend or interact with in quite awhile was being tested.

I like being generous, open, happy, in the flow, I don’t like being taking advantage of-or more importantly allowing others to take advantage of me.  Just because I like being friendly doesn’t mean there is a walk all over me bumpersticker on my forehead anymore.

So when I realized what was happening, that I had allowed someone’s energy to invade my own a little bit, I spontaneously starting BARKING.

?

uh, George, would you mind explaining that a little bit.

ok.

My first language was dog.  I learned to communicate fluent dog, before I ever understood what humans were screaming about all the time.

So like dogs, when another one got to close, I started barking.  A warning back off bark.  It’s ok I was alone in my truck miles from anywhere, and having fun.  I barked, woofed, laughed and barked some more.  Anytime that person’s energy or thoughts came up, I barked again.  By the time my drive was over, I was dancing groovin flowing, and went on with my day like nothing happened.

Learning how to become aware of our personal space/energy/minds, and how to create a feeling of safety, in order to express who we are is a biggie, especially for me.

Barking was my tool for the day, in feeling safe with my bipolar experience.  Instead of feeling a happy functional high crash hard, because I wasn’t feeling safe, I was able to energetically protect myself, get back in my own center of energy, and groove on with a happy flow.

Wag

George





Focus

16 11 2009

Fast.

Bipolar fast, can be fun, if I’m prepared. I knew I would be walking into a fast day today, so I took a moment to be prepared.  Many fun and exciting things are happening as well as regular obligations I need to take care of.  I don’t really have a lot of time for idleness(one of my favorite past times).  What I’ve noticed is that it is easy for manic to kick in, ramp up the volume in my head and go way faster then is necessary.  I can also work fast, turn on idle chatter or narration, or connect with everyone, or comment on everything, or make jokes,  while I work.  Today, these are not helpful.

The biggest tool I use today, is focus.  What is happening right here, right now, what is the biggest priority.  Not 1 hr or 1 day from now, not what happened five minutes ago.  What is happening right here, right now, what is the current priority.

If I don’t know, I pause, breathe, think if I am thinking clearly, or write if I’m not.  Regain my focus and then launch again.

I also went to bed early, got up an hour earlier, and was sure to put on happy dance music straight up to get my mind in a fun flow.  I didn’t even give it a chance to think about the dramas and tribulations that occurred yesterday from travel.  I just got up, danced, and jumped into my day.

Now let’s back up; before I was willing able and aware of nurturing, taking care of and allowing my bipolar, I would have had a major blow out by now, been in full dark victim mode, possibly paralyzed in anxiety darkness or negativity overwhelmed in my chair, phone ringing, people trying to get a hold of me bigger mess building up, etc.

By purging yesterday, as best I could last night, and waking up gently today, observing my thoughts and injecting positive affirmations before my eyes even opened, I already had a head start.

The difference between dark victim mode, and ok let’s dance with this day mode, are actually fairly simple.  It’s more of a choice actually.  Yesterday in the middle of travel drama I was down a bit.  I picked up my positive daily reader, read a passage, and thought about it for 15 minutes before a flight, instead of allowing the negative spiral take me down.

Today I am grateful for being bipolar, because I was down, so hard, so long, for so many years, that because I am intimately  familiar with negative darkness in my mind, I’m much more able to quickly identify, and counteract the pattern, before it becomes disruptive.

Is being bipolar intense?  Yes.  At times.  It’s also a lot of fun to  have so many options and ways of tackling problems situations and opportunities.  Today, because of learning to be functional and having an awesome highly technical challenging job which can take me in many directions at once, I know, if I stay positive and functional, I’ll dance through just fine, and probably be able to accomplish a lot more, then if I wasn’t blessed with bipolar.

gotta go, big quick hug, peace,

George





Potty Brain

15 11 2009

I have potty brain.  To open minded men, (and of course women already know this), WE, as in the male race, have periods.  More importantly, I am having mine.  Pass the chocolate, send me to a spa, and please shut up and listen.  Ahh, I feel better already.

I wrote a blog at my last layover(1000 words) and decided it was total crap, and sent it to a dear friend.(I hope she deletes it, I forgot to write that in the subject line, sometimes I just need to send my mental crap to someone who will laugh and not take it as seriously as I am in the current moment)

I got on the plane and thought hmm.  What is going on?  Other then the fact I feel bloated fat uncomfortable restless upset and slightly pissed off at nothing, I’m FINE KEEP THE CHOCOLATE COMING.

When I’m quiet, I’m not always peaceful.  When I’m quiet, busy, and not communicating with people, uh, Houston, a problem is brewing.

A)  I can ignore it, and watch my mouth or my actions get me into big trouble soon.

B)  I can let myself become aware of it(like trying to write a blog instead of writing a rant)

Writing is my number one tool for dealing with bipolar today.  Write, Write, Write.  The reason is, I’m quiet, moody, haven’t been having real conversations with people lately, and I can feel my ears becoming horns, and my smile becoming a grumpy snarl.

By writing out a blog, erasing it, writing out another, erasing it, and finally taking an hour to perfect a “justified” anger blog/rant, I realized, I was way behind on writing.

When things are going well, I sometimes cut back on my daily routine a bit.  I’ll rely on a quick prayer, meditation, and reading a spiritual thing or too.  I usually cutback on writing about what ever is going on with me, this is when the yellow caution light on the control panel in my brain needs to start blinking.  Silly me, thinking I’m in charge, knowing what is best and when it is supposed to happen, and don’t need to bother dwelling within.  OOOOPS!  Nice try George, better luck next time.

This is when my shit shelf, starts to collect unresolved issues,

which start to simmer and boil until a perfectly good innocent:  target/issue/cause/moment/person/frustration, allows me to spark an eruption.

With any kind of luck, I became aware of this one soon enough so that I can write out everything that is bugging and upsetting me, call someone who cares enough and knows me enough to listen, and not let me get away with thinking I am a victim, and be ok again.  It’s not complicated, it just takes practice and willingness to allow myself to become aware of when something is off, and wanting to do something about it before I make a mess.

Thank you for helping me with my potty brain today, and sorry if I ate all your chocolate, I’ll be good for it next time you need some ; / }.

Now, WHERE is the nearest spa, I need a massage.

George





Enthusiasm

12 11 2009

Wow, I get to be in Geek School and learn all about how information gets from one person’s laptop to another.  Holy Cow, bat man this is fun, look when I type this here it does this, wow.

aaa, george.  excuse me George, yeah, aaa, what???

I was anti-enthusiastic when I got up this morning to go to a class in geek world(those of us who figure out how to make geek toys work, get together and study ….oh never mind), I’d be happy to explain further but I can tell everyone’s eyes are at half mast and the attention span never was.

Which is why I made a decision today about 1/2 hour into my class to get into it. I’m not actually sure if this was a conscious decision or a healthy pattern.  I didn’t notice I had become enthusiastic until my lab partner couldn’t contain it anymore and burst out laughing.  I asked him is everything ok, did you miss something did you want to go through the exercise again??

No he said, “How come you are so enthusiastic and excited about a * instead of a # showing up on the prompt”

Not realizing my external audio circuit(mouth) was still on I said, “ya gotta celebrate the little victories, my forehead used to be round until I pounded it flat on keyboards trying to make geek world work…”

Realizing I was now confirming his opinion that I had indeed lost it in his presence and I was now officially part of the Borg(Star Trek(major geek movie reference)), I was fortunately able to run into the control room in my brian and turn off the mouth.   Whew, that was a close one.

Deep, dark depression, ugly moments/years, between my ears, have lead me to celebrate with great enthusiasm the smallest victories in my life.

When I had a head/bookshelves/backpacks, full of positive practical metaphysical thoughts, and little or no results, the positive side of me learned to become very patient, and celebratory when positive thoughts or experiences would emerge.

It’s kinda weird just like sometimes my external audio circuit(my mouth) will turn on by accident and confuse people, sometimes my face detaches.  I can walk around with a frown on my face and actually be happy, or so focussed on trying to being happy, I’m unaware of being unhappy.  When I had a ratio of more dark to light thoughts, as best I could I dwelled on the positive ones.  I could walk through really boring or dramatic times, and be totally focussed on the occasional positive thought or positive spiritual technique I could attempt next time I was willing.

Enthusiasm  has become a very powerful ally for me in my life with bipolar.  My first thoughts in the morning, and a healthy daily routine are not always light and willing.  Yet, when I allow myself to discover something silly or inane to get excited about, it can open up unexpected joyful days.  Enthusiasm’s biggest ally I’ve discovered, is my happy inner kiddo.  When I give myself permission to get excited and goofy in boring situations, my imagination can light up a room or a task in a heartbeat.

Today, I am grateful for all the dark years with bipolar, because I learned patience, enthusiasm, and deep gratitude for the little things in life, especially when they go better then expected.

OOOPS!  I almost forgot,  My iphone ap is done!!! And it’s availible for download through the ap store, aaaandd.  I have press releases coming out.

I have all the links on my webpage http://www.livingoutofdarkness.com

May your evening be filled with a deep serenity of a day well lived.

George





NOW, or later

8 11 2009

Impulsive get r done, or pause, prepare, act with assurance.

Gentleness with one’s soul, allowing the simmer to distill the essence of one’s next move.

Let life ripen and then fall, will is not the way at all.

Rush rush get it done move on.

I like gentle now.  I used to be so impatient to get it done get on to the next thing or bored in need of excitement or afraid if I didn’t now then never.

I also used to be extremely anxious a majority of the time and not even know what anxious was.

I used to be an ongoing ball of chaos.  Nerry a room I left twitch wasn’t a bigger mess then whence I entered.

Breathing, slowing doing, tackling chaos, one aspect of my life at a time, has led to a deeper and deeper stillness, I am hugely grateful for.

A friend of mine and I were discussing dating.  AAAAAGH shut up George, you know how I hate talking about this! (yes but George we are committed to sharing this bipolar experience, and relationships and dating is all part of it right, RIGHT George?)shheeeeeesh, mumbles George.

Playing devil’s advocate my friend then said, why don’t you just go on a bunch of dates and see what happens.

Immediately I thought wow that sounds exciting and scary.  Which at times is a good indicator of something I ought to consider.

But then a gentler guiet more peaceful still voice spoke up and said.  I’d rather be as prepared and lined up as I can be first.  There is some personal business I would like to take care of first.

He laughed, you have no idea what’s going to happen you can’t prepare away life.

I said,Well, you are right, and I have sucessfully jumped in blind to a lot of situations in life, and had mixed results.  I’ve also slowed down a lot, sorted out everything I can first, and then glided into situations with less chaos energy inside.

I went on, and my theory is, if I have less chaos running around inside me, then maybe I’ll attract someone with less chaos in them, and I’ll be better able to enjoy the results.

My body at that point voted by releasing a big sigh, and took a deep breath. This is an indicator of truth for me.  When my body automatically relaxes, I know, I’ve discovered a truth.

With so much chaos availible from rhythms and dealing with subsequent chaos in life with bipolar,  I like to give myself a chance now, to be as prepared and calm, before I start a project, rather then jumping in both feet the split second I think of it or someone suggests or dares me.

The gentler path may not be as enticing sometimes, and quiet stillness can stir up internal uncomfortableness, yet I find the solitude that does occur between the bouts of not liking me, refreshing.

Breathing deeply and gratefully today,

George








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