Computer Withdrawals

22 05 2010

“I claim my wholeness and worth right where I stand.  What I seek is inside me.” Alan Cohen, A Daily Dose of Sanity May 22.

My trusty computer decided not to wake up and function two days ago and I am experiencing withdrawals.  I realize how it has become a big part of my comfort, withdrawal at times, and form of functionality.   It has also become a means of expressing my favorite art forms of insight and writing.  So much is written and spoken about how bad computers are, yet it could be viewed as is it the user or the computer.  A computer is just a high speed calcutator we use to create info and transmit from one physical location to another.  It’s been a huge comfort for me to have an easy fucntional tool to capture my gifts and share them with the world, in my own unique timing method and space.

So when I read Alan’s passage today, I laughed at how silly I am about technology.  All the technology I seek and need is already in me.  When I sit in silence and allow myself to fill with emptiness, and then insight, all is well in my world for a time, no matter what is going on around or inside of me.  The miracle of ahh from physical stillness never ceases to amaze me.


behind at work, must keep earning my room and board for the month,



Chill Pill

18 05 2010

“I seek upliftment, and find it.” Alan Cohen, A Daily Dose of Sanity May 18th

I took a chill pill three days after coming on shift and have been enjoying my time ever since.  For some strange reason I let myself get all hyper and upset about the spill in the gulf which kept me in the news cycle on my off time.   Instead of chilling out and relaxing, letting go,(it’s not like I can swim down a mile and plug a crude oil pipe)(or watching the news constantly is going to fix it any faster),  I got all wound up, during my off time.

So I come back on shift wiggy, off kilter, freaked out facing two weeks of solid work.  I had the usual bipolar feelings of being out of control, inappropriate, frustrated, and slightly hopeless.  The illusion of oh my God I’ve always been this way and always will be kicked in as well.  I even had thoughts of I can’t remember when I was last mellow and all was well with the world.

Breathe, take a chill pill.

For me, my chill pill was just the realization I had been out of tune with my daily routine for awhile and it was time to get back on my “formula”  and seek the balance.  Get up, get on my knees, ask God for help today, thank God for help getting through yesterday.  Shower, exercise, and meditate.  Eat, walk outside, drink chamomile (first cup than coffee).  Sit and read something positive and spiritual.  Think.  Write about it.  During my day I’ve paid particular attention to my breaks, i.e. where I take them, that I insist on taking them, and who I associate with.  Also at lunch one day I steered away from the crowd and enjoyed quiet time instead.

Guess what?

My chill pill has worked marvelously, I’m back in a good groove for several days now, even though I’m still at work, and lots of things are happening I must pay detailed attention to.



Hungry for dirty dishes

11 05 2010

Empty is in my organic bipolar rhythm.  I used to view it as bad.  I used to get frustrated with it.  Why, why does it keep occurring?

When I do the dishes (I still enjoy old fashioned hands hot water soap), the sink either fills with dirty water or it just drains away as I wash.  When I’m done, I wipe down the sink and it is ready for a fresh batch of dirty dishes.

When my current batch of busyness, or exciting stuff ends, my sink feels dirty and empty.  Hence I sink a bit.

When I allow time and moment to remember the sponge to wipe the sink,

When I allow spirit the openness for me to empty my mind and ask the question, what’s next?

I feel comforted because my sink is clean.

If I’m down or empty or frustrated again with being bipolar, it’s good to re-member the process of cleaning my sink, allowing opening to what’s new, and eagerly anticipating the next big batch of dirty dishes coming my way.

Time to cook,


Attendant or Patient???

6 05 2010

“I journey from good to better to best.”  Alan Cohen, A Daily Dose of Sanity.  April 5th

I needed this reminder today.  The message in Alan’s lesson about apparent setbacks may actually be steps forward.  Lately I’ve been giving myself a lot of grief about “opportunities” that have arrived in my life.  I did a lot of research today about possible causes, what is my part etc.  Of course Louise Hays looked me right between the eyeballs and informed me of what I already knew, and I was once again amazed how a very familiar and dusty book could help me realize exactly what I needed to hear/see in me today.

So I went for a cruise on my bike in a favorite park.  Saw a big black snake, a bunny rabbit, and a plethora of tiny crabs.  I’ll look up the animal signs later.

It’s been a day of reflection, a little bit of fear, and some clear the shit shelf conversations with higher power.   Ok God…I’m here, this is what scares me, this is what frustrates me about me, and I’ll acknowledge you are a power greater then me and if anything can help me you can.  After I write this I wonder if this is unusual conversation for some people, yet I know this is not too uncommon for me.  I have a high tolerance for my own mental b.s. yet little tolerance for physical emotional spiritual pain when it manifests at a level I can no longer avoid.  Which is when I find myself realigning with truths that I know have led me to freedom (example, get on knees and share till empty then sit and allow) This is when the frustrated with me for being me kicks in.  I get to a certain point of emotional or in to me see; levels and then I run.

At this point I was grateful I took a long bike ride because I was able to gain the bigger picture of yes, I seem to have conquered xy&z lessons, yet ABC lessons in life can still kick me in the …

So I read Alan’s words of wisdom and know for this moment that even though I don’t currently see the divine outcome of all this, I know from past experience, it’s possible.

Asylum attendant/patient,

Signing off,


p.s. May God continue to bless us all including our quirks, habits, and frustrations.

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