Two Cups

9 05 2015

two coffee cups

Sometimes it takes two cups of coffee to crank the brain in the morning, ok I’ll admit it, two cups with 1/2 1/2, that is. ? Ok FINE, I confess the eating method I’ve very successfully been on for about a year limits my carbs to 1 hr a day, and cream in my coffee is limited to only 1 a day which sucks when I need 2 and is cool when I want to break the rules which is often, and yet I’m still gradually letting go of poundage, thank God. But this rambling nonsense is not what I wanted to blog about.

I’m putting it off because I’m scared. Shitless that is. I haven’t felt like writing so I’ve been reading other bipolar blogs. Here is a BIG thank you to ALL bipolar blog writers. I have one comment for all, I RESEMBLE THIS!

Ok fine, said that. Bipolar and Relationships. That’s what I’m scared shitless to write about. It’s what I purposely avoided in my book.

Thank God for other bipolar writers, because, wow, I’m alone in life, but not in community with other bloggers about the topic.

Bipolar. Maybe I should start there. The more I read about other bipolars, the more it affirms basic truths. It matters not, what path, ethnicity, gender, preference, lifestyle, economics, age etc. Bipolar is what it is. It doesn’t seem to matter if we choose medication, organic, or hybrid methods of treatment. Bipolar is a very active roller coaster ride, yes it can be smooth and boring occasionally, but we never seem to know when a normal mood is gonna go sideways fast and hold on to see where we end up.

Relationships. Honestly. I gave up years ago. A)I seem to be attracted to members of the opposite sex who end up taking advantage of me. B) I am a high maintenance freak show at times. C)I lose myself completely, and who wants to live with a subservient ghost? D) When I’m triggered off my rocker bat shit up or down crazy, 99 people out of 100 only make it worse. The one cure all I can rely on, is copious amounts of time, me, alone, nature. Preferably with access to sweating and creating. Period. That is my reset cure.

It doesn’t help that I do shift work. I’ve found remote industrial work, is a good routine for me, I’m gone for a couple weeks, and then I”m off. No matter how screwed up I get at home or work, the other is a sure fire routine for coming back on track.

So living my life alone with bipolar, sans medication, I’m quite successful. I have long term employment in a job I’ m highly suited for, I self -regulate my bipolar, and have many hobbies.

Now I feel like an embarrassed idiot, but I want truth to be shared. Yes I am living a bipolar life without meds, drugs, or alcohol. But I’m still batshit crazy at times, and just don’t seem to have relationships any where on the priority list. Every time I get involved, it ends in disaster. I concluded long ago, I am the common denominator, and yes I have dedicated decades, and thousands of dollars to therapy, workshops, ad nauseam etc.

Which leads me to the one relationship I have always relied upon. I’m not a member of any religion. But there is something unseen greater then me, I have always been able to access when I’m truly sincere, open and humble, which gives me peace, comfort, connection, and releases all fears and worries. When I truly open and ask the universe for help, I have always received whatever I truly needed in the moment. This is the connection I’ve rededicated my life to again and again, and this is what I feel like my life purpose is, to be connected, and to be available to help others who are temporarily lost, to feel connected again. This is the deepest peace I’ve discovered in my bipolar journey, I may not be connected in a traditional socially acceptable societal means with other humans, but I have plenty of time to reconnect as needed inside, with what appears to be, everything.

two coffee cups

Leaf Sway

1 02 2015

il_340x270.461955452_8xysLush white birch outside my dorm, crickly dried up maple in New England, continually green southern clime green leaf flow. I love leaves in gentle wind sway. They bend twirl flow and eventually let go, different kinds and cycles everywhere I go. Bipolar is cycles within cycles. Bipolar functionality is awareness, what cycle when where how prep, renew. We know we will be up and down. We know we will react, planned or not, yet how? How do we intercept our insanity long enough to choose the lesser paths of destruction, and the gentler path of letting go and renewal? Do we even have/want a choice, yet?

Leaves sway and say listen, gentle listen, for the cycles. We grow off flexible twigs, we bring nourishment, we dance in the breeze, and flow away, to nourish the earth, wherever we land.

Leaves, leaves of all kinds, interesting green bushes, or background for intricate delicate flowers no matter, leaves are an element of attention, indoors or out, whispering gentle reminders of flows, cycles, renewals…

Sway on

huge know, BIGGER YES!

12 01 2015

IMG_5643From time to time in this journey I’ve chosen big knows, sometimes planned sometimes not. Either way, I check in with silence over time to sense the choice, to trust intuition. Was this or that let go a hell yes or no. Sometimes it’s a partial, and years go by before I feel the bigger yes redemption. Family drama, place of upbringing, drugs, alcohol, jobs, friends, plans, possibilities, ego convictions etc fall in this time sand…

The stepping away point is often a huge bipolar wave wash for me, especially if it was unplanned, dramatic.

And yet, over time, intuitive redemption, a deeper, calmer, slower simpler truth, a bigger ahh awakening, bubble up from the depths of time.

Sometimes I try to force the healing, sometimes I’ve stepped back in for a redo of previous untruth illusions. Usually disastrous re-runs, with even messier endings ensue.

IMG_5457Truth can be evaded, run from, delayed, ignored, temporarily pacified with distraction, yet truth is.

While integration, redemption, intuitive visions may not always be easy to be patient for, it can be incredibly eerily calm, and strengthening when they do arrive.

Please trust your calm intuitive bipolar visions, for me, they have always led, to a much bigger deeper quieter, yes.

Emotional Ahh

20 10 2013

ImageI am not the extreme of my past.  I am not the extreme mental and physical choices I made to cope/interact with the chaos around and inevitably in me.

Was my past since birth totally of my creation?

If not, do I have to prescribe my entire life to it’s chaos?

What if I’m actually a calm happy creative sane functional human, temporarily held hostage by the creation and wreckage of my first 20 years, and recovery from?

As I settle once again, from another emotional hurricane, I relish in the choices I’ve made to create calm functionality in my life to return to.  None of it happened instantly.  Yet it is possible.  Yes I deal with all kinds of anxious moments, activities, etc.  But there is a calm overwhelming routine to return to.  It used to be externally only.  I followed a calm path offered by others for years in hopes of it working.

My prayer today, is to encourage, all those choosing calm routines, in spite of current internal or external chaos, to continue their journey, no matter what.  If peace is possible for me, than I hold hope for you.



13 10 2013

MetaMetaphysics-the branch of philosophy that deals with the first principles of things, including abstract concepts such as being, knowing, substance, cause, identity, time, and space.

Metaphysics for me is the lifelong dedication to the study, and contemplation of the question why?.

Positive metaphysics for me is the dedication to what if there could be a positive inclination for why?.

Long before I had my first drink, I was always a strange child, and a strange child unknowingly dealing with intense drama, trauma, on a daily basis.

I always wandered off, any chance I could be alone, and still do.  In my solitude, I would always ask why, and contemplate positive possibilities until I felt ok and calm again, before heading back to my obligatory insanity called “family”.

So when drugs and alcohol came along, it was a no brainer, they took me much faster to not being impacted by questions.

Fortunately, I went down hard and fast at an early age, and was locked up.

Fortunately, several years later, I stumbled by accident into a 12 step group, and eventually found my way to sobriety.

About the same time, I followed a girlfriend into a positive metaphysical church.

By “coincidence”, the strange child I was, survived drugs, sobered, and found my way to other people and literature interested in why, and what if positive.

This lead to the study of mysticism, shamanism, eastern philosophies and understanding in positive terms my bipolar experience.

For me, it is all connected, of deep purpose and service.

20 years of sobriety later, I’m still strange, even more so, very much into solitary contemplation, and fortunately still wrapped up in the questions of why, and what if positive, with the added benefit of frequent fits of bliss and serenity.


Honoring Stillness

13 09 2010

I love being bipolar.  24/7, maybe not, but are there parts of the cycle that I feel deeper and deeper in love with?  Yes.  This is why I always encourage people to go after their dreams.  How cliché George.  Go after your dreams, doesn’t matter, big step, little step, no matter, think obsess, dedicate energy every chance you can in your dream.  WHY?

My low lows, have been replaced with a buoyancy.   When I contemplate and trace it back, when I question my quietness and my stillness, I realize it’s because irregardless, of all that I am/am not/do/don’t do, I’ve accomplished dreams that matter to me.  This has given me a quiet inner strength, which even my own dark withdrawn moodiness at times can no longer seem to penetrate.  Does anyone with bipolar reading this know the power of this?  What a relief it is to know, the dark empty times I used to fear, have transformed into a quiet stillness.  I don’t feel the need to force myself to do anything.  What is also amazing is when I really allow myself to be inside this quiet, and I begin to question the depth of it, a part of me opens up to insights about life which I’m not always able to capture, but I know it is what allows me to drop into a deep nurturing space when I chose to be around others.  It also allows me to sort out times when I’m the complete opposite.  Some coworkers actually expected me to go to work bearing gifts for putting up with me over the summer(not a bad idea from time to time, I’ll bring some bribes next time up).

What I love about my continuing journey with bipolar, having survived the darkest of years, is the quiet stillness which can exist in the same trails inside of me that used to be treacherous.  I can now look at the realities, my dreams and yearnings created through shear stubbornness, and know that what I wanted most for myself and others with this gift, was a trail hacked through the wilderness, bread crumbs of a way, captured in a book.  Is what I wrote the final word on bipolar, not by a long shot, it’s barely a ruff draft on a napkin, what matters, is that I took my best shot, at creating another method for transforming the gift of bipolar disorder, into an opportunity.  And the biggest reward I receive is affirmation.  From time to time someone sends an email, posts on facebook, amazon or itunes a review or comment and my stillness deepens.  I’ve completed a sacred cycle.  I’ve honored what appeared to be dark in me, until I heard and shared the gifts, by sharing the gifts others have received the benefit, some agree, some discard, some are grateful.  Each revolution has emptied a void of darkness in me, and filled it with a stillness.

Thank God for stillness, thank God for the ability to dream,


Work Joy

25 03 2010

“When your work proceeds from joy, you are infinitely more helpful to those you serve,” Alan Cohen, A Daily Dose of Sanity, March 25.

I get a quiet joy from working with my hands and mind in an intuitive way to help people communicate.  In “reality”, I’m the phone guy/electronics geek.  On another level, I have a deep trust of guidance from spirit, going with the flow, and being able to see when someone spills coffee on his or her phone or radio, it’s not just that the device was thirsty; the human might be as well.  One of my joys of being bipolar in the work place exists on many levels simultaneously.  On one level I know how to fix the phone and program any changes if needed.  On another level, because of my inner swings and constant need of awareness in order to be functional and not have a blow out (like I did last week), I am usually able to perceive when someone is under duress more than usual and may just need a human to be present with them for a moment.  Often I’ll show up to fix a phone or radio, and just listen.  Maybe there is something to say, maybe just carefully listen.  I love this about my job.   I get to check in with just about everyone in my little “tribe”, and have excuses to linger for a moment if they aren’t in balance.

This is an inner joy I’ve discovered and love cultivating with bipolar.  I experience this as part of the opportunity bipolar is for our small groups that we live in.  We aren’t professional counselors, but we are skilled in being present, and able to have compassion, because of our need to pay attention to where we are inside ourselves.

Joy in the work place, can sometimes come from within, in the way we interact with our coworkers.

Hearing stillness,


Peace in Silver Clouds

17 03 2010

“Emotionally, I express love by forgiving myself and others, by releasing attachments to the past and holding hope for the future.” From the Daily Word by Unity.  March 17 2010.

As I slip deeper and deeper into a well of peace inside of me it’s sometimes easy to forget how I allowed my well within to fill.  I was so distraught by the way I perceived the world around me, so many problems in me around me, so much suffering that I saw.  I even got to the point many times where I just wanted to take on all the suffering I could and just end it all, and take the pain away with me so that no one else had to suffer.

When bipolar has high visions of possibility followed by lows of perception about the vast emptiness, it is easy for sensitive empathetic bipolars to end up with this view.

It wasn’t until I was gradually introduced to a positive view of life, that I began to have hope.  One of my roots of positivity, manifesting good, and become a person able to overflow and serve others, was Unity Church.  What I locked on to was the Daily Word publication they put out and their Silent Unity service.  I never stuck around any one particular area long enough or attended the church services very often, but I always kept a pocket sized Daily Word handy, and the 800 number to call their 24/7 365 prayer service.  I don’t identify myself as a Christian, but I do identify with their positive view of life.

My journey out of the pit of hell, was inch by inch at times but now as I look back and have forgotten and let go of so much of it, every bit was worth it, in order to appreciate the peace I have now.

Bipolar led me to the highs I didn’t understand, and through the lows that seemed to last forever.  Positive metaphysics, helped me helped myself alter my views in a way in which I can see the good in most situations and people as a mere opportunity to create what we want, and discovering what we really want, and than learning how to pass on what we have learned.

Whispering gratitude today,



28 02 2010

“If you knew that you would be given more of what you focus on, what would you focus on?”  Alan Cohen.  A Daily Dose of Sanity.  Feb 28th.

This one hits me right between the eyeballs, thank you Alan.  I’ve been hyper focussed on being a good host, loving my parents, and driving myself insane/sane between my ears.  I’ve been down the positive spiritual path way too many years to blame anyone for anything.  It’s all, ALL, of my own creation in partnership with a loving gentle allowing positive force in me of me and greater than me.  I hired them many years ago to play the role of mother and father in my life.  I’ve also been an adult way longer than a child.

The good of all of this has been practicing, the sh*t out of today’s lesson all week.  Witnessing myself in my head, longing for the joy and love in my heart, breathing, reading, redirecting, reframing, mini break, and alas visiting my heart for a moment.

It’s been an amazing week/journey with my folks.  They are actually incredible people that I have walked a long road with.  Many years ago I began asking questions, praying and meditating about their story.  It opened my heart hugely.  Each visit I have with them, if I am successful in breathing myself and letting myself go into the present moment, I always recieve a new pleasurable experience or moment with them.  We either have a deepening conversation, experience, or I gain some new clue about my/their past which always gives me insights into freeing up my present/future.  Yes it is always a concentrated experience for me, and just like when I go on a spiritual retreat with Alan or someone similiar, I always grow leaps and bounds.

With years of solid knowledge practise and experience that I really do create the current “reality” I’m walking around in, and that which I focuss on is busy creating/allowing my next “realities”, it transforms currently difficult relationships into growth opportunities.  The more I let go of judgement, and allow my heart to open to the moment and possibilities of connection in front of me, the bigger, and freer I feel in life, and the more time I get to be ok when I am inside my head and even more practised at escaping back to my heart when I am ready.

Smiling, laughing at my self today,


Intensity Dance

26 02 2010

“What would you be doing differently if love and harmony were a requirement for your dealings?” Alan Cohen, A Daily Dose of Sanity Feb 25

This blog will be a stream of concsiousness between my recent lessons of ongoing visit with my dear beloved parents and attempting to study understand apply todays lessons. Alan’s lesson today is about love.  The role of love, positive intention, and harmony in all our dealings.

Bridging the gap here.  I KNOW, intensity light dark cave open good dealings/bad, struggle strife, occasional ease, repeat.  I am an ancient gentle loving soul having a review of human instensities back on planet earth human body.  Even though when I read lesson’s like todays and have a hmph reaction like nice try Alan but REALLY???, I know what he describes is possible.  To be really honest I have actually incorporated love and harmony in many interactions and been quite pleased with the results so this is where I insert laugh at self.

The best part of intensity in life has been my craving for peace, love, calm, and tranquility.  Intense life lessons have actually pointed me in the direction of love.  Having and losing all the trappings of “success” several times, and realizing what truly is important, evaporates over time all the b.s. availible to distract myself from the true gift of being with people.

On one hand it is so easy to judge.  To be afraid, to protect.  Yet it is so much more fullfilling to slow down, to listen, to ask for guidance, and pray for direction.  Someone may be suffering near me in a way I can be of service.  What’s the point of working through a darkness if I am unaware or unwilling to help.

The more I’ve accepted where my father is at in his life, and let go of my smallness, the better I am able to love him as deeply as I am capable of and really want to.  So what if xyz events have occurred time and again in his life.  SO WHAT.  What if his intensity and strife in life was designed by me to bring me to peace, and know the value of peace that much sooner in my life so that I can turn around and be peaceful for him.  It’s hard for me to imagine my tenacity for peace, without the intensity of my early years.

If the level of tranquitly I get to visit and or swim in on a regular basis in my life, comes from the crazy dances, then so be it.  Life is good now, who cares?

It’s been another amazing day.  Witnessing the trauma and drama b.s. run around in my head while I make the 12 inch journey into my heart and live and love from where my soul wishes to be with them.

Thank you God for all the “distractions” in my life that have led me to love.

prayers for your loved ones,


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