Authority Issues

14 09 2015

…I’m a major control freak. guess where the two meet?…work

yup, summer manic cure all crazy season is over, snow is creeping down the mountains, it’s getting darker, and I hate my job.

In the past, I allowed my bipolar to run unchecked with this wa wa, and quit got fired or run far far away.

today; I chose to sit in my sh*t until I FEEL, what’s really going on.

I hate all bosses, supervisors, lead techs, older people, smarter people, arrogant people, etc ad nauseous.

yup, i’m a control freak. I used to judge myself about this until I realized it’s better to be a control freak, and micro manage my world inside and out to the best of my ability, then to act out.

I’m also not a full time control freak, and I don’t always hate my job and all people.

When I’m in the middle of a funk or tuning ramping up for a good old blow out, I still have choices and options. One of which is to stop, sit in my sh*t, write, read, breathe, walk, etc. And give it a little time, until the onion of me, cracks a new stinky layer.

This is how I heal over time.

Today- I can see that being a worker bee, I often need to be smarter then the task at hand and my bosses, but I have to be humble enough to not get fired. If I were to be a boss, I would have an excuse to let my ego run the show, and not have to be as smart.

so by staying in the ranks, being a worker bee, I get to be smart, and eat lots of humble pie.

I don’t like humble pie, because I have experienced so much humiliation and frustration with bipolar my entire life, internally and externally.

Yet today, I can see where being in a situation, where continually learning humility, is helping me to keep my ego/bipolar in check.

so today, (please don’t tell my boss or all other aforementioned people) I’m grateful for the opportunity learn humility so that I can continue to heal and let go of humiliation.

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