Bipolar Contemplation

27 05 2009

As I sit here today near the end of another hopefully final disentanglement with a woman whom I was engaged, I can’t help but want to blog. What George? How ya gonna spin this one as good. Easy.
I loved her with all my heart and soul. I grew so much being with someone I so intensely wanted to be and succeed with that I ignored other parts of me. As I grew with her in so many ways, I shied away from quieter still slow parts of me. Over the last 1 ½ years as we separated, I rediscovered with a vengeance the still small slow part of me that is quite content to get up in the morning and go sit by the river of life and not have to put my paddle in the water determined to make life go by faster. It’s been a real joy to be quiet, be still, and sit until I’m ready for the next activity.
But George how the heck do ya do that? Easy. I cheat. Years ago I discovered I was unfit for employment so I married a woman with three children and got a 80-90 hr full time job. Ok I’m confused here George r ya mixin stories again.??? Ok. I determined after a number of years wandering around on my spiritual quest doing volunteer work or living in my car that anything more then 20 hours a weeks was an infringement upon my creative time and so I determined I was unfit for employment. Life moved on and I fell in love with a woman that agreed with me. Needless to say with winter coming and 5 mouths to feed when offered a job, I took it and began transforming all that I had learned on my spiritual journey into the hard core world of marriage, kids, full-time job, etc. It wasn’t long after I met a bunch of guys that did shift work. Shift work? What’s that? 12 hours a day, for 14 days, then 14 days off. There are many variations of this.
So I set my sites on gaining the skills necessary to do the job these guys had and paid my dues as a contractor until I could wiggle my way in. Unfortunately the marriage didn’t last, but that’s another story.
What I ended up with was a very busy time of the month, and a very open part of the month. For the last several years I filled my time with a woman I loved deeply and wanted to marry, but it didn’t work out.
When the busy-ness of the relationship ended, I was left with open time to discover who I was now. This last year I’ve made it a spiritual practice whenever I am able to sit and not move until the passion, the energy or the desire for the next thing compels me to move. This has allowed me to let go of many things I thought were necessary or required, and allowed me to re cultivate the act of contemplation. With bipolar our senses can be so easily filled and overwhelmed with input, we (I) require to just sit, sift, sort, and reflect on what’s really important, and what if any my next actions are. I’ve found that I’m very satisfied with the clearer actions I have taken, and much quicker to return to serenity if a storm passes by(in or outside) of my head.

Living Out of Darkness — Never give up

19 05 2009

Living Out of Darkness- 20 years in the making.  108 pages.  Never give up.

A Dream, a hope, a dark night’s tears, I now hold complete in my hand.

At 17 when I stood outside the mental institute waiting for the taxi to drive me to the airport to take me home, I was empty handed.

Now what?

I couldn’t talk about suicide; they would lock me up again.

I promised the doctors I would never do drugs, and promised my new buddies still locked up I would smoke my stash at home for all of them. I did.

It was recommended I go on medications, but something inside knew there had to be a better way.

I couldn’t attend my high school graduation, because that occurred 10 days after I was locked up, it was now June, and I still had one class to finish.

My empty hand that day, now holds this book.

It is a gift to that lost, lonely, desperate kid, all grown up without a clue. Yet filled with a determination I’m so proud of.  All these years, lows, highs, darkness, dreams lived and crashed.  Dreams again and life getting better over time inside and out.

I’ve screamed into the dark night away from this book for years,

I’ve run at it with a sleepless drive.

I’ve thrown away more versions titles formats etc.

It’s boiled, burned, tortured, lived, distilled.

It’s me, my mission in life, my passion, my purpose.

We, (bipolars), are a gift.  We see and say that which is not comfortable.  We get lost in our perceptions.  We get caught up in our egos, distractions, fears, and unrelenting determination, and collapse.

We are rockets, Ferraris, shooting stars, dreamers, visionaries, troubled, healed, passionate.

I love us.

I embrace the unique determined mind that I am, to see, to say, to heal;

“Clear your energy. Honor your rhythm. Live your Vision.” George Denslow

Bipolar Blues, an Enhancement Opportunity

18 05 2009

Blog Post #2 051809
Well here goes, blog post #2.  The roller coaster continues.  Instant bingo.  Nope.  Not me, not yet.  Full of adventure excitement shaky hands good days/bad days?  Yes.  Bipolar, a life enhancement opportunity for the willing.  George, I gotta ask dude, do ya ever have bad days??  Yep.  For instance I published my book in March.  20 year obsession, and wham it was done in my hands.  Worry stress fear.  And it’s done.  Zoom gone for  awhile.  Feeling like I was below the high tide line and waves kept washing over me.  It’s part of the on going journey with bipolar that I’ve learned to embrace.  It’s why I wrote the book.  If all days were golden flow, then science would be figuring ways to help us all be bipolar.  But here is the juicy secret after almost 40 years I’ve discovered.  My journey does not resemble much that I would assume to be normal around me.  My journey is an embrace of all that I see and is.  My highs let me see the potential in me and around me and those that I know and am close to.  My lows let me feel the loss, angst, pain, emptiness, and depths of life.  And no matter what I’m feeling, even right now, a bit blue and empty, the choice remains up to me.  Will I allow myself a little time to acknowledge the emptiness, to deeply look into my eyes and others and allow me self to feel the emptiness, not fix, control, or manipulate, just feel and allow it long enough to acknowledge it is there, and continue taking care of myself?  Sometimes on days like this I switch myself over to rote control.  ?  Yes, rote control, intellectually I know, I need to be as sensitive and slow as I can with myself today, if possible.  Fortunately I’m off work, and have plenty of time to do this.  Even though I feel down and out, I’ve got things to do.  In order to be successfully bipolar today, I need to take care of my body, mind, and spirit.  To be gentle with my mind and emotions, I took a little extra time getting up, and getting going.  I read a fun book for awhile and lingered at a park on the way to my gym.  I drove a little slower then usual through traffic and made sure gentle music was on.  I planned my route a little longer but easier to negotiate(less thinking and jostling through traffic).  Instead of giving into the feeling of grief, uselessness and hopelessness, I allowed a gentle pressure, and ongoing conversation with spirit to make gentle steps towards my goals.  I’m not going to run a marathon today, or leap any tall buildings, but by allowing myself to interact slowly with humans, the warm water in the spa at the gym and a bike ride later today, I’ve allowed my self time to be gentle.  If the feelings dissipate now or 3 days/3 months from now, I know the physical routines needs to be similar, get up, be gentle, be nurturing, allow stillness and quiet time as much as possible, and I will get through this.  What time with bipolar has taught me, is that regardless of how physically (up to being catatonic on the couch) or mentally I’m caught up in my current experience, gentle time will allow it to pass.  Just like a slow moving river, this dessert, or rain forest of emotions will pass, and soon I’ll be “normal”, or excited, and easily involved in my activities again.  If I stop the boat, get out on the shore and dwell in the desert, then I usually dry up and get worse.  If I stay moody in the rain forest all day, I’ll usually get worse.  Already today, with gentle actions I’m feeling a bit excited.  I worked on my websites, replied to emails, and I’m getting a little excited about a trip coming up.  If I’d stayed in bed, I’d probably be really bored burying my head under my pillow feeling much worse about my obligations, and making matters worse.   I also know because I allowed my experience today, when I do feel more up to speed, I’ll have deeper appreciation and contrast to compare it with.  When I am up to normal speed, if I run across someone in the dumps, I’ll be able to spent a moment longer with them and not have to say a word.  It’s a gentle dance people have played with me for years when I’ve been down.  A moment of compassion, strangers or not, seems to lift me faster then anything else, regardless if I am the giver or the receiver, in that moment we are both.  Words not always need apply.  So am grateful for this slow blue day because my well of compassion is filled, and instead of draining my batteries to make this day happen, I’ve allowed it to unfold with a gentleness that I’ve come to deeply appreciate over time.
This is why today, bipolar has been an enhancing experience.

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