Silly Season

16 12 2009

I peeks me head out and asks…is it over yet?

It’s been silly season time inside my head.  In the material world I have absolutely nothing to complain about.

In the other worlds in me, it’s been, …, interesting.

Overall I would rate the experience as good.

pg 20 in my book Living Out of Darkness, “It’s not important how many times I quit exercising, or how lazy I get.  What’s important is how many times I start again.”

same page “With Bipolar, we are going to have ups and downs.  The better we get at picking up after downs and focussing on what worked…”

Maybe I should just stop right here and read my book.  I’ve been ignoring it lately.

The uncomfortable times in bipolar can be difficult and baffling to walk through with those enjoying the gift as well as loved ones attempting to understand.

From the inside, for me, lately, it’s involved a lot of patience.  I haven’t been very willing to do the things I need to do to maintain an even keel or cheery attitude.  The insides have been a bit rapid cycling and bumpy.

And yet.

My holistic non medicated approach to bipolar all these years, when I’m on vacation(like I have been), sometimes I let it all hang out for a bit.  I let my mind and emotions wander, and see what they uncover and discover.  Sometimes it’s comfortable, sometimes not.

I have noticed my rawness lately hasn’t been nearly as hairy scary as that last time i took a vacation from “doing everything”.

I also notice a deeper, more satisfied peace, all the bugaboos, and ugliness my ego and mind tried to come with regarding how I was this or that in a negative light, have failed and faded.

I can’t help but think that some of the muck, attempting to cover up my light and mental stability, has evaporated a little bit more.

My tools for the day/last 3 weeks/or whenever it was I last blogged, have been patience(just sitting), and letting go(breathing), spending as much time as I can out doors, on my bike, driving somewhere.

The other day I was in a funk and needed to get stuff done to go back to work, and it was obivious two people were wandering around in different directions in my body, so I got on my bike in the sun to an excellent salad place, took my journal to write out priorities/clear out headspace/ and figure out what was most important to do next.

By the time I got back to the house I was more focussed for awhile.

To anyone else who may feeeeeel the silly season, as a mixed blessing, I’m with you.  We’ll get through this, and my favorite holiday is coming…A WHOLE NEW YEAR, Wow!



Miracles Happen

2 12 2009

It never ceases to amaze me the power of prayer.  Yesterday I was slowly creeping out of a dark time on the inside that lasted about two weeks.  After a long prayer in the shower, and completing my daily routine, I was able to be a little bit functional with my passion of sharing the good of bipolar.(which is kinda difficult if I ain’t living the dream in the moment).  After a little bit of sucess, I was able to do a few more details.  The energy and the miracle of the day, came from the passion and truth that I am living.  Even though I started the day dark and muddy, I ended the day on a very clear happy energy.  In fact after connecting with a coaching club I’m involved with, I was so clear, I just had to go howl at the moon on a full moon bike ride(one of my top ten favorite things to do).

It never ceases to amaze me, how dark, how down, how lost, open and empty I can get, and how quickly Grace can restore me to full clear happy functioning and serving in ways I am uniquely created to serve best.  It just keeps getting better.

So many gratitudes, so many tools to share today.

The biggest was being willing to get on my knees yesterday, and ask for help.  It came in many big ways.

The most incredible and enjoyable was connecting with a conscious group of like minded friends who share a passion for helping others through life coaching.

My most favorite, was once my energy cleared allowing my passion to propel me around in the dark on my bike and feel the joy that emenates from me after a dark time has cleared.

“Problems are awesome, because the solutions can endlessly give dividends.”

Still Howling, eagerly anticipating sunset to ride again…and it may even be stormy!


Clear, Honor, Rhythm

1 12 2009

I’ve been scared shtless lately.  Two weeks ago an event occurred that triggered a chain of events that if I were totally honest about, have knocked me on my ____ on the inside.  I functioned.  I fullfilled obligations for room and board.  But inside I was lost gone bye, bye.  There have been a myraid of blog titles I emailed to myself and never wrote, concious anxiety-how to gain the benefits of anxiety while observing ones self go through it(a rather out of mind day).

I got through the first wave in about a week and felt good and functional and could have communicated and blogged, but then I used the energy to take care of myself.  Get through the obligations, create what I needed to be ok next.

“Clear your energy, honor your rhythm, Live your vision”, pg 51 of my book.  Living Out Of Darkness.

Even now as I attempt my first blog in over a week, my energy is muddy.  I have been honoring my rhythm, I’ve been scared, and extra gentle.  I have finally figured out that no matter how harsh I can be with me, whispers get me where I want to be much faster.  The more I allow every little voice in me to speak up, the more whole I feel.  Whenever I’ve been triggered, dark, non-functional, non-verbal, at times catatonic, and I have taken the time to listen, instead of criticise, the little parts of me, I start to feel whole again.  I also know any time I’ve yelled at a part of myself for being week or too emotional, or xyz, then usually that part of me will surface again.

Even though I’m not out of the woods yet,  I am very grateful for having created a lifestyle with lots of down time, and the awareness I have accumulated over the years with bipolar to be able to let myself be still, be open, be in nature, and allow the frazzled parts of me to speak up, and let go.

It doesn’t matter to me how many times I drop the ball let go, or become triggered and non-functional, what matters to me now, is knowing and allowing my own natural rhythyms to gradually reset me into a calmer, more peaceful, functional state.

Clearing, honoring, rhythming,


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