Leaf Sway

1 02 2015

il_340x270.461955452_8xysLush white birch outside my dorm, crickly dried up maple in New England, continually green southern clime green leaf flow. I love leaves in gentle wind sway. They bend twirl flow and eventually let go, different kinds and cycles everywhere I go. Bipolar is cycles within cycles. Bipolar functionality is awareness, what cycle when where how prep, renew. We know we will be up and down. We know we will react, planned or not, yet how? How do we intercept our insanity long enough to choose the lesser paths of destruction, and the gentler path of letting go and renewal? Do we even have/want a choice, yet?

Leaves sway and say listen, gentle listen, for the cycles. We grow off flexible twigs, we bring nourishment, we dance in the breeze, and flow away, to nourish the earth, wherever we land.

Leaves, leaves of all kinds, interesting green bushes, or background for intricate delicate flowers no matter, leaves are an element of attention, indoors or out, whispering gentle reminders of flows, cycles, renewals…

Sway on





huge know, BIGGER YES!

12 01 2015

IMG_5643From time to time in this journey I’ve chosen big knows, sometimes planned sometimes not. Either way, I check in with silence over time to sense the choice, to trust intuition. Was this or that let go a hell yes or no. Sometimes it’s a partial, and years go by before I feel the bigger yes redemption. Family drama, place of upbringing, drugs, alcohol, jobs, friends, plans, possibilities, ego convictions etc fall in this time sand…

The stepping away point is often a huge bipolar wave wash for me, especially if it was unplanned, dramatic.

And yet, over time, intuitive redemption, a deeper, calmer, slower simpler truth, a bigger ahh awakening, bubble up from the depths of time.

Sometimes I try to force the healing, sometimes I’ve stepped back in for a redo of previous untruth illusions. Usually disastrous re-runs, with even messier endings ensue.

IMG_5457Truth can be evaded, run from, delayed, ignored, temporarily pacified with distraction, yet truth is.

While integration, redemption, intuitive visions may not always be easy to be patient for, it can be incredibly eerily calm, and strengthening when they do arrive.

Please trust your calm intuitive bipolar visions, for me, they have always led, to a much bigger deeper quieter, yes.





Emotional Ahh

20 10 2013

ImageI am not the extreme of my past.  I am not the extreme mental and physical choices I made to cope/interact with the chaos around and inevitably in me.

Was my past since birth totally of my creation?

If not, do I have to prescribe my entire life to it’s chaos?

What if I’m actually a calm happy creative sane functional human, temporarily held hostage by the creation and wreckage of my first 20 years, and recovery from?

As I settle once again, from another emotional hurricane, I relish in the choices I’ve made to create calm functionality in my life to return to.  None of it happened instantly.  Yet it is possible.  Yes I deal with all kinds of anxious moments, activities, etc.  But there is a calm overwhelming routine to return to.  It used to be externally only.  I followed a calm path offered by others for years in hopes of it working.

My prayer today, is to encourage, all those choosing calm routines, in spite of current internal or external chaos, to continue their journey, no matter what.  If peace is possible for me, than I hold hope for you.

george





Choose Calm, Please.

8 09 2013

Let us choose and practice calm this week, please.  ECalmverlasting peace, may or may not be possible, but I know from the dark side of internal hell, that practicing calm inside out, in spite of current external insanity, that choosing calm, again and again inside, can lead to calm outside, and even help transform a life.

Can we as individuals in a country choose to be the calm ones this week?  I know fun, celebration, and creativity are all great and a part of life, but just this week, could we celebrate internally calm instead?

When I travel, can I chose to tolerate irritability, and release when the situation passes, instead of escalate, and never forget.

When I interact with my coworkers and boss, can I accept my role on a team to complete a task from which I’ll receive food and shelter for a day, instead of get caught up in the current pettiness which will soon be forgotten next week.  When I have a moment to catch my internal breathe and renew, can I enjoy the current scenery i’m closest too, instead of dwell in anger, irritation, or harder work to get where?

Can that which I help create and enjoy today, be enough to bring calm in to me, rather than obsess about that which I currently think I need to feel the illusion of safe forever.

Can I be the calm in the room/situation/conversation?  Can I offer a little extra calm, to humans, in all walks of life/position/power/age/affiliation, in Syria this week?

Can we as humans, choose a little more calm, a little less fear this week?

Is it possible for us to avert more violence, with less internal aggression?

Calm, please… 

george denslow





Anxiety

20 03 2013

“The world I wish to be in is behind the thinly veiled seemingly impenetrable moment of anxiety” George  Denslow

Let’s face it.  We all deal with it.  You know fight or flight.  Dream and act on your soul’s directives, or succumb to the numbness of dreary existence.

The

Anxiety

deeper I seep into my soul’s interior frontier, the more I drift from the exterior label of bipolar disorder.  I begin to see bipolar as more of a series of coping/integrating behaviors to a higher intellectual emotional, bigger picture, truth.

As I do my best to cope organically with current bouts and waves of anxiety and subsequent insomnia, about life changes, I receive the opportunity to sit still, and let the anxiety… dance… inside my mind, body, and emotions.  If I allow the dance long enough without action, the still small soul voice inside bubbles up real truth and constructive actions about my current situation.  Time and again simple journaling appears to be the best method of recording and releasing my fears.   I even burn them sometimes (kinda expensive to burn my Smartphone so I had to switch back to paper).

STOP! Wait a minute here George that is not a productive societal culturally endorsed method of dealing with Anxiety!

Stopping? Sitting?  BREATHING? into your anxiety without action until you hear a calm clear message from your soul?… THEN??? take action?

Yes.

As I delve deeper, releasing my soul’s art inside out, like I’ve always dreamed of, it has re-triggered the usual list of anxiety monsters designed to shut me down.

I deal with my anxiety demons as calmly as I can.  I do my best to create an ongoing nurturing compassionate environment of internal and external self-nurturing.  I purposely establish habits, routines, environments, and schedules to deal with my insides, as compassionately and completely as I can in the real time moments of being triggered.

Oh hog wash what a bother, what about XYZ of in completes?(oh hello anxiety, guess what, it wasn’t all done before I arrived on earth and it certainly wont be fore I depart)

bReathing, again…

gEorge





Woo Woo Kindergarten

16 10 2010

Love.  Now.

If I only had two words I could take with me for the rest of my life to a deserted island in the sea.  These are the only two words I would ever need.

Love. Now.

Before I accepted the modern western science word and definition of bipolar disorder, manic depression, I came across writings about shamanism in literature and anthropology classes in college.

My internal experience was extremely dysfunctional, dark, and angry at the time.  I was less than a year out of the mental institute, daily user of marijuana, and binge drinking whenever I could afford it or b.s. my way into a party.

I was scared enough about being locked up again that I was somehow able to overcome the monsters inside me enough not to get fired at my job to support school and attend classes, but the inside of my head would have scared the psych ward.

Being hospitalized highlighted and traumatized the mental state I was in, yes it kept me physically safe from hurting myself, and gave my family a rest from dealing with me, but it really only gave me a hard “right turn here Clyde whack” (80’s Clint Eastwood movie reference) into desperately searching for a healing in my life.(which is all good now and I am extremely grateful for)(yes it took many years to see the good and come to the mental/physical healing conclusion in my being).

Where was I?  Oh yes, bipolar and shamanism.  I related to shamanism first, before I accepted the term and definition of bipolar.

The physical descriptions of weird behavior, muttering, isolation, non function in society, and leading ceremonies and strange combinations of physical objects or attire.

I actually laughed out loud and sprayed my coffee in the middle of a college class when I came across the description the first time in the book.

Why?

Cut and paste the previous paragraph of the physical description of shamans, attach my face to it and put it up as a poster boy for.

I never heard of the word shamanism, (I grew up in remote Alaska in the 70’s)(Parents didn’t “do” the sixties”)(translation-our American culture has evolved a lot, thank God)(I promise to cut down on parenthesis if they drive you nuts)(ok just one more I obviously have a lot to say today, I must be making up for my silent journey as of late.)

It wasn’t long after the seeds of shamanism were planted in my soul, that I sobered up by attending 12 step programs, and discovered positive metaphysics courses and teachers, which I have been devouring ever, sense.

Like any rambunctious puppy smelling out new adventures, I tried everything:  hence the words I use, woo woo, new age, tarot, psychic, channeling, angels, medicine cards, etc. etc. etc.

Sometimes I attended, sometimes I did it.  Startling enough I was actually really good at it, and could easily have pursued a career in it because people paid me and asked me to do it more. (huge side track I’ll write about some other time, quick answer: Bipolar/shamans, have inside track to the unseen/nonverbal world)

I quickly observed something though.

This might piss a few people off, but here goes;

It’s all about love; it’s all about now.

Every shamanic, voo doo, woo woo, psychic, you name experience I ever had, ALWAYS, always, always, led me back to the present moment life issues, and always the same way to heal the trauma revealed or energy to pursue the dream revealed was love.

So does that mean you don’t recommend following anything George?  Does that mean you should do nothing and just meditate in a room? Nope.  I tried that too.  In fact I even went to China to the ancient caves that the people before the Taoists meditated in and meditated there.

If I were to add a third word to my deserted island vocabulary it would be YES.

Explore everything, taste, feel, channel, listen, sing, play, express, receive.  It’s why we are here.  It’s why we created all these flavors on the buffet.

And if it becomes overwhelming, ungrounded, or scary in anyway,

Just re-member, the word, LOVE, and NOW.

Here is how:

Put your hands on your chest.  Breathe.  Keeping taking deep slow breaths until you feel calm, and ready to explore, yell, play, scream, dance, cry, feel, work, or what ever appears next in your dance of life.

Luv yas,

George

 





Toad verses Wolfpack

26 03 2010

“…the person who is most connected to Source energy will prevail to achieve a positive result.” Alan Cohen, A Daily Dose of Sanity.  March 26.

I dare say in moments like this, serenity is becoming my norm, deep relaxing peace.  My ocean waves sound machine, a good nights sleep, my favorite tea, and a moment to write a blurb.  Today is a day I will enjoy deeply, and fill my inner coffers with relaxation.  I’ll be walking around doing things, but I don’t feel any monsters clamoring to get out.

My “buddies”, must have noticed that I came to the worksite a bit off kilter from my recent class, and they have done their best to dig under my skin, but the affect of the last year of withdrawing myself from the human wolf pack has kicked in.

How awesome is that?  About a year or so ago, I observed how uncomfortable it felt inside me to have people tease me and try to get under my skin.  I no longer wanted this experience in my life.  So first I noticed how I teased others.

I was resistant to withdraw my claws and fangs from verbally goading others.  Then I observed it wasn’t everyone, just a few of us that continually practiced on each other and it occasionally spilled out on to innocent bystanders.

So I named it the wolf pack, and began withdrawing, physically removing myself or being quiet in the presence of the “games”.

And recently, they now call me a toad.  I just sit and smile or ignore them.

Yesterday one came by and said, “I heard you have a new nickname now, it’s___,” It was derogatory, and I just smiled and said, “it’s so nice to know I have a fan club concerned about updating my nicknames.”

The energy dissipated, and I just hopped along as a happy toad.

RRRRRibit,

George





Choosing Feeling

15 03 2010

“What you seek is being broadcast right where you stand.  Your role is to receive…  How can you look at your life slightly differently so that you are aware of more good?”  Alan Cohen, A Daily Dose of Sanity.  March 15.

I have been experimenting with this concept a lot lately.  The art of manifestation for me has recently shifted to focusing on the concept of be the feeling first, and the thing you desire will appear.  Or what do you want, what feeling do you think you will get from it, and access the feeling first.  If I can completely access the feeling first, than I may or may not need the thing or experience.

On a practical note, when I have felt “crazy” or anxious lately, I’ve switched my inner affirmation dialogue from I am peaceful, to I feel peaceful.  My previous experimentations with the whole manifestation process was to focus on tying all of the senses I could into the experience, what did what I want sound feel taste smell like so that I could be that much more inside the experience before it happened.   I have found it much quicker to simply say feel instead of am.  As I repeat this over and over my mind shifts.  Instead of trying to be I am peaceful, it shifts to body, I feeel peaceful.  Annnnd.  It’s been working.  Instead of staying in my head repeating like a mantra over and over again I am peaceful, I am peaceful, in an attempt to avert my current neurotic reaction to life, I simply affirm, I feel peaceful.  I drop into my body much sooner, I calm down quicker, and my reaction to whatever is currently bothering me comes from a different place in me.  It’s easier to see the different angles.

My journey lately has been choosing more carefully my body feeling instead of my head reaction.

feeeeeeling—grrroooovy ; )

George





Flip it and Dig

4 03 2010

“I march forth to claim the best that life has to offer.”  Alan Cohen, A Daily Dose of Sanity, Mar 4th.

Yeahhhh! Go Alan, Go Alan, he shoots, he scores.  Right out of the park.  Thank you.  Most excellent reminder.  Today’s lesson could probably be tattooed on my forehead.

Lately I’ve been feeling fake, saying my lines, and not really connecting with the moment.  My head has chimed in with all sorts of extra clutter and stories about the whole situation.

So I’ve been flipping it.  I feel fake___I feel authentic/real/whole.  ok that’s nice George but you are still completely in your head, it’s crowded in here.

I put my hand on my heart.  I feel real.  Breathe.  I feel safe.  Breathe.  I feel ok.  Today is a good day.  Breathe.

The present is my most powerful moment today.  Marching forth with my writing, reading and study of Alan’s new book, and completing spiritually focussed course.  Breathing, hand on heart, I am OK.

weird self pipes up, I”m Marvelous Darling, grin.

I officially give myself permission to make mistakes, to be fake, unconnected, disorientated, uncentered and blah blah blah.

I officially give myself permission to restart my day at any moment.  Breathe, place my hand on my heart, and flip my self talk into positives.

Diggin the gold in me,

George





An Unscattered Life

13 02 2010

“Kissing is good.  Driving is good.  Both are even better when you do them one at a time.”  from Alan Cohen’s new book A Daily Dose of Sanity February 13th.

Never a room I once left which a tornado couldn’t have organized better.  Chaos was my modus of operendi…until I got fed up with and had enough of anxiety in my life.

In Alan’s writing today he talks about a life of integrity, living in tune with where our heart, minds, and souls actually are.  One thing at a time.  I couldn’t agree more.  One of the many gifts with my unique mind I’ve gotten the pleasure of unsorting, is horrendous paralyzing anxiety attacks.  I was so focussed on learning the bipolar opportunity in my life, I just coped with the anxiety as best I could, my desire to provide my own room and board was always greater then shutting down completely, and when I did shut down, by the grace of God I was able to “come back online” in time to do the next necessary thing to keep my job or whatever I was focussed on in the moment.  After years of learning the bipolar dance, become stable in a highly paid professional job, and once again being in a relationship, my anxiety surfaced as the next big thing to tackle in my life.  The woman that I was with at the time, was the antithesis of my disorganization.  She also had very little tolerance for chaos.  A definitive case of opposites.  Being the open minded adventurer that I am, I decided to play with it a bit and see what I could come up with.  Fortunately for me my workload doubled, and then tripled, in such a manner that it was physically impossible for my people pleasing/do the right thing/take care of everything mode /was impossible.  I no longer had moments to unsort my mental self much less the physical chaos I generated around me.

Finally a circuit blew in my brain and I just sat down, turned off my computer, put a sticky note on the message light of my phone, and decided I would only work on one task at a time to completion, and completely ignore everyone, and everything else.  I no longer cared if I kept the job, or got it all done, I was only interested in my own sanity at that point.  I constantly stopped, refocussed on the one thing, and took the next step.  There were many unhappy people and a couple of times my boss got in my face.  I simply stopped what I was doing, looked him in the eye, and asked him if there was any greater priority than what I was currently working on.  I would either refocus on his bigger priority to completion, or continue on with the task at hand.  Even though I walked around in complete chaos around me, my inner life and mind was slowing down.  I checked emails and phone messages once a day, and spent the rest of my day with my hands, completing the next priority.  Slowly, through being affected by the organization and cleanliness at home with the woman I was living with, and the focus at work, I started to go through the other areas of my life.

Five years later, the energy continues.  The miracle I’ve noticed as I’ve slowed down and focussed, is I am also able to slow down and focus with people.  And this has been the unexpected gold from anxiety. The workload dropped away, and the ability to be “in to me see” with people has remained.  In fact, I’m physically still at my job, but my heart, soul, and mind has awakened to the people that I am with, and the people that I meet.  Honestly, it’s a much bigger spiritual dividend I receive by being able to be with whoever is in front of me.  As I have allowed this way of living to expand, I enjoy going to spiritual retreats and workshops for the ease of being with like minded conscious people, I also like dancing with complete strangers and long time coworkers because there is absolutely nothing that beats being focussed and present with someone regardless of the circumstances.  I’ve discovered this as my true passion.  To actually be, with whoever I am with, wherever I am.

Breathing,

George








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