Primal Clarity

29 07 2010

Lately I’ve been re-entering the primal areas of my mind through cold water swimming and putting myself in the natural environment no matter what the mental or physical comfort level is.  If it’s cold, wet, rainy, windy, etc.  I just go out into the elements regardless.  I grew up in an extreme environment, and dropped the extreme mental strength I had lived in and developed as soon as life got easy to live.  As I re-enter that “crazy” or primal part of my mind again, I’m experiencing an inner strength and core, which I never appreciated before.  I am also experiencing an ok-ness, and calmness like I’ve never had before.  When I put and push my body and mind into the natural elements nowadays, I have the choice of warmth, food, rest, and calm periods when I return.  This allows me to visit the primal mind, access the good and the clarity of elemental life, and return to “normal” with eyes much more open to what actually may be real, or just a perceived experience.  I’ve also noticed a lot of trivial mental habits and occupations have evaporated.

It’s too early to formulate a theory or clear insight about how this relates to being bipolar, I just know that intuitively I’ve discovered yet another untapped resource.  When my friends think I’m crazy (and justifiably so) for wading across the 49-degree river water instead of taking the canoe, on the inside I’m getting in touch with a mental strength.  When I take my body to the edge of it’s current comfort zone and a little bit beyond, I feel a surge of confidence and ease when I’m back in “regular” life.  This new found mental strength I’m experiencing in daily life is helping me to be less triggered into swings, and better able to deal with them as they come up.

I’m also better able to deal situations, rather then let them sit and hope they go away.  Of course as I change my dance steps with those that have known me for a long time, they get freaked out and think I’m crazy because what happened to peaceful George.   So I may be less peaceful and comfortable to be around on the outside, yet on the inside, I’m feeling a clarity and mental stability which I just know is leading me to yet a new unknown wonderful destination in my ever evolving life.  This is what I love about being bipolar, always exploring, questioning, changing, discovering, and being able to focus and head in new directions.

May your journey be filled with inner discovery, today.

George

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Ocean Joy

27 07 2010

“It is the essence of darkness that defines the stillness in my soul when sunlight is once again appreciated.” George Denslow

Sun on my face, clear green ocean, warm sand beneath the waves, another 100 yards to go.  Stinging eyes and nose from ocean salt, frustrated thrashing with ocean waves, a big grin on my face erupts, I’m in my element, once again.  The joy of focus, simplicity, surrender.

What if my body was a primary focus for awhile, the next chapter in my life?  What if the history of my body is not the destiny of my body?  What if I were once again to dwell on the possibility of letting go of past  physical injuries, and focus on what I can do, to strengthen the rhythm of being healthier?

Duh, so simple George, what is it that triggered this movement in your life?  It’s about the letting go of that which I’m no longer interested in, and circling back to areas in my life, I’m not currently escatic about.  It’s about letting go of current “story” running around in my head about life.  It’s about capturing in the moment in a little mini journal every little bump in the road as I enter this new direction in my life.  What if I was proactive about real time and anticipated anxieties and upsets, and let paper and pen, digital iphone take the energy out of my head story, and keep a healthy body focus through my day?

Kick, glide, breathe, warm ocean water flows by me, smile, feel the sun burn my shoulders.   Once again amazed at how stable I feel with bipolar when I allow my physical urge to be active.

Peace be with you and your body today-George





Joy Sources

18 07 2010

I kicked over a can of worms the other day at work and uncovered unexpected energy and joy.  I was feeling lost and “riding the bus” as I call it when I’m going through motions of accomplishing tasks but not really engaging with them in an interesting way.  Later on a coworker attempted to bully me into a task I was not qualified on and I clearly stated I was not going to do it without proper training.  The individual chose to tell everyone I was in charge and left the scene.  A qualified co-worker and I were able to get thru and complete the day.

Instead of stewing about it, I took action.  I clearly and concisely defended my boundary and communicated with higher ups that this behavior was inappropriate and dangerous.  My mental thinking was, this will just piss everyone off and I’ll feel even darker for having made an attempt.  Instead I felt joy.  I was elated in fact to have been able to so clearly have someone violate a boundary, and so clearly and quickly take resolving action to mitigate the situation.  The risk was upsetting three long-term friends, the reward was feeling freer inside about what I am and not ok with in hazardous situations. That evening, instead “riding the bus” into my room/cave, watching t.v. and forgetting daze events, which has been a past pattern, I had energy to go hiking.

My lesson for the last several days:  Sources of joy are not always easy to uncover yet they can offer so much if discovered and harvested.

May your purpose be clear today,

George





Cave Visit

14 07 2010

It’s sunny outside, I’m dark inside.

I need God.  I need connection. (breathing sigh of relief) this is sometimes the most difficult part of my cycle, acknowledging admitting allowing when I’m down.  If I allow myself this moment, to breathe, to feel, to allow stillness, sometimes my joy can catch up and open me to the possibility of today.  Pleasantly I’m not focused on what may have brought me down, I’m more interested in this brief visit to my cave to connect with spirit and discover something about this day or in me or with someone that needs to be experienced, I know as soon as I make this discovery or slow down enough to allow insight to catch up, all will be well again.  Thank God for this knowledge, insight, and experience with bipolar to know that even though things feeeeeeel permanent right now, they are actually temporary, and if I were to allow myself to dwell in the dark storms in my head, then I could certainly allow them to rummage around and come up with lots of story to stay here with.  Thank God for blogging, today, I reread my Joy Income and God’s Fools entries and an amazing thing happened.  Something written in my own hand and published while I was in a joy state, is coming back to serve me again.  Not only did I receive joy in writing and sharing it, I’m now receiving the benefits of my own expression.

I am grateful to be bipolar, because it makes life so interesting and perplexing.

The tool I’ve used today for being successfully bipolar, even in low times at work (many obligations waiting for my attention), is writing.  It’s huge for me to record my high states, so that when I’m back in my cave, I can’t deny that joy does exist in my life and I can re-connect if I allow myself time to want it.

The stillness I’ve allowed myself in this current emptiness is already filling with unexpected sources of energy and joy, and lifting my mood as I write to match the sun coming through my window.  Thank you for being a part of my re-opening today.  Energy Hug if you need one,

Breathing much easier,

George





Joy Income

9 07 2010

“God is my employer, joy is my income.”  George Denslow

I am a pleasure monkey.  I like to smile, be joyful, expectant, and goofy.  At times I’m more reserved shy and silent, but the inner me is much more content to wag my tail at any given excuse.  When I am at the same job for awhile or living location and my inner joy escapes a little bit, and other joy monkeys discover my truth, we love to welcome each other with smiles hugs and shared stories of recent adventures and discoveries.  The general agreement is that the infamous “box” and rules are just guidelines and suggestions for those in need of external authority.

I‘ve also experienced the fullness in life of many different forms of earning a living.  At various junctures in my work journey I’ve had healthy interactions with the boss, and less pleasant transactions.  When I started gaining and looking for even more spiritual comfort stability and joy in my life I started asking thinking about who really is my boss.  That was an easy one; I’m very comfortable with the concept of God, a positive force in the universe conspiring for my good.

Recently I started thinking about income.  If God is my boss, and or employer, then does God pay me money?  Certainly financial gain is a part of the energy exchange in trading my time and intellect for desired outcomes, but is it all?  One day after a delicious interaction with a co-worker in which being me, while fixing the gadget in need of my services, seemed to offer them a form of relief and joy, I realized something.  Part of my paycheck that day was joy.  Whenever I get to be a human in a sometimes inhuman work environment and am successfully able to negotiate around HR and or God issues in a corporate environment, and yet somehow mutually experience a human moment of life is better since we interacted moment, I feel joy.  Sometimes I am the primary receiver, sometimes I am the giver, sometimes two souls just meet in the course of a day and have a brief or lingering conversations and the energy elevates of it’s own accord.  This is joy income.

When I’ve expanded on this thought recently in family interactions during my off time, it’s continued to work.  What if God was my employer in all endevears, and joy was my constant source of income.  If this were the case, then how significant or not becomes my obsession with money problems.

Since many problems in life can not be assisted by money, when my energy was getting low or scared, I focused on the thought of joy.  How can I uniquely be and express me in an interaction in which inner or out joy can be assisted.

When I focused more on this, rather than the external negativity, many down spiral mental opportunities were avoided.

This is a new thought process for me, thanks for listening, what’s your joy income?

George





Sacred Roles

6 07 2010

I am brother, and son.  I consider myself to be an ancient ie: (this isn’t my first rodeo on planet earth).  If someone chooses me to be their brother or son in family of origin, and I choose them, then I chose to honor this role.

This role has consistently provided the greatest internal growth awakening opportunity in this life.  I can also accept how my constant changing, gypsy approach to life, and uniqutivity(unique + creative),  several bubbles off current “norms” in life, have been a growth opportunity for my family of origin as well.

Oh heck, let’s just throw bipolar into the mix as well.  It’s been a rather interesting two weeks.

I chose to invest my off time this month with my family.  I sat and listened to my middle sister in her cabin.   I had coffee with my dad on his porch, enjoying his view.  Spent a lovely day with my older sister, and deep a chat with my mom about life.

Today, I am actively allowing the scared parts of me release my history, because it is not my destiny.  For some strange reason, I’m the one that sits down with each member in my family, checks in, in their environment, and then goes on to visit the next.

I’m not always sure why I do this.  The mental/spiritual side of me says because of sacred son/brother honor role.   The current new side of me is impatient.  “but I wanna wanna wanna, do this this this instead”.

I guess it boils down to honoring family, role, and life itself.  Yes, I am getting to my want to’s, and yes I’m honoring my past, my roots, and whence my many awakenings have spring boarded from.

My family continues to walk their lives, in the divine direction of their choosing, and I walk mine.

I pray for them, I pray for yours,

I thank God for all the healing that is occurring in families of origin, today.

George








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