OOOPS! OH well, restart.

22 03 2010

Hey George, READ YOUR BLOG, and follow directions.  ?  YES YOU GEORGE.

?

Remember, coping tool, RRRRRibit.

yeah.

did you???

OH.

OOOOPS!

I had a blow out yesterday.  At the end of the day I reread my blog about just being a toad, and laughed till I cried because I did the exact opposite.  I took insult after condescending insult from my instructor until I blew up in his face.  He finally found and crossed a line in me I was no longer willing to tolerate and be bigger than.

So, with bipolar when I have a blow out.  It’s good old fashioned paper and pen journal time.  I like to call them after action reports.

on page 35 in my book “Living Out of Darkness-a personal journey of embracing the bipolar opportunity.”

I wrote, “it is very helpful to have a written reference in our own hand to go back to and try to figure out what happened.”

What I’ve figured out, is that I am scared.  I have a lot of stability in my life, and I’ve thoroughly enjoyed the career that I have because of the mental challenge, and lots of quiet time in between the action moments.

This time is over, and if I wish to continue with this company, I need to use less of my brain, and more of my body, in an environment I don’t feel comfortable in.

Yes, I could get a new job.  And, I feel so closely connected with my passion of sharing what I learn about my bipolar journey, I wish to linger as long as I can so I can nurture and grow my passion into a potential dream of being financially supported while full time sharing, living in my passion.

Because I am a dreamer.  Because I have lived so much in high states of mind, and survived low states to know the value of living what I am right now.  I am able to keep putting one foot in front of the other, and learn things that scare me.  My current job helped me to realize how smart I was, and how capable I was in figuring things out.  Now I get to learn how brave and physically skilled I can become.

Thank God for my daily routine today, of getting up and walking even when I didn’t want to.  Writing to help sort my brain out(thanks for listening), and reading positive spiritual literature to feed my brain something else besides obsession about my worries.

Thank God I am bipolar, and have dream of continuing to share my passion for it.

Thanks God, for all the people in my life that know the good that I am, regardless of all the other silliness I get involved in.

peace, hugs,

George





Bipolar Rocket Science

10 01 2010

Yes Houston we have cleared for flight all systems functioning big ahh is being heard.  OHHH thank God mental phases pass.  Never ceases to amaze me how good my job is for me.  Bingo 2nd post of New Year and George has already lost it.  No seriously.  The routine of work is good for me.  I am completely open to retiring as a full time bum/speaker/blogger, yet and in between times, the discovery of a job I’m actually talented at and desire to get up early to do “spiritual” pushups, ie a little exe, Gi Gong, daily reader(with a positive focus), meditation.  I almost sprayed coffee again on a friend the other day when she said oh you are so spiritual and disciplined.  Hmm.  When a mental institution is in one corner of the ring, an alcohol and drug addiction which leads to cuddling up to dumpsters in another corner, and the ability to fly off the handle at any and all perceived idiots is in another corner, and behind door number 4;  Do these simple things everyday and you have a chance of being functional, and having preferred choice of activity on and off the job.  Uhh.  Hmm.  Walk around in a bathrobe and slippers behind bars, puking all over myself, yelling at anything, uh could you repeat option 4 please.  Yes, it’s called a daily routine.  Wakes up my body, mind, and spirit, and puts me on a path that leads to interacting in a semi sane way with most people and situations, and gradually leads me to improving the quality and options in my life.  Now add 20 years.  Nope, not disciplined and spiritual, just lazy.  I’ve discovered after much research in all corners of the ring, that taking care of myself, leads to a much lazier and enjoyable life.  Thank God for being bipolar today, so that I can cherish the simple and the profound gifts that have come to me from running from the dark results available with bipolar and into gifts which come from, spiritual practice.  KEY WORD HERE.  P-R-A-C-T-I-C-E.  What is it the black belts of 12 step say(I’m referring to the Al-Anon ers.)  Practice not perfection, raising a virtual toast to that one.  Which reminds me of an unmotivational poster I heard about yesterday that almost sprayed my second attempt at drinking coffee.  “Not all of us are capable of being astronauts, get over it”, well, fortunately for us bipolar types, we can rocket all around the place on and off demand at times, and when we teach ourself how to pilot our own minds in order to negotiate organic rhythms in our lives, then we too can see sights within beyond our wildest imaginations.

cruisin the good life,

George





Silly Season

16 12 2009

I peeks me head out and asks…is it over yet?

It’s been silly season time inside my head.  In the material world I have absolutely nothing to complain about.

In the other worlds in me, it’s been, …, interesting.

Overall I would rate the experience as good.

pg 20 in my book Living Out of Darkness, “It’s not important how many times I quit exercising, or how lazy I get.  What’s important is how many times I start again.”

same page “With Bipolar, we are going to have ups and downs.  The better we get at picking up after downs and focussing on what worked…”

Maybe I should just stop right here and read my book.  I’ve been ignoring it lately.

The uncomfortable times in bipolar can be difficult and baffling to walk through with those enjoying the gift as well as loved ones attempting to understand.

From the inside, for me, lately, it’s involved a lot of patience.  I haven’t been very willing to do the things I need to do to maintain an even keel or cheery attitude.  The insides have been a bit rapid cycling and bumpy.

And yet.

My holistic non medicated approach to bipolar all these years, when I’m on vacation(like I have been), sometimes I let it all hang out for a bit.  I let my mind and emotions wander, and see what they uncover and discover.  Sometimes it’s comfortable, sometimes not.

I have noticed my rawness lately hasn’t been nearly as hairy scary as that last time i took a vacation from “doing everything”.

I also notice a deeper, more satisfied peace, all the bugaboos, and ugliness my ego and mind tried to come with regarding how I was this or that in a negative light, have failed and faded.

I can’t help but think that some of the muck, attempting to cover up my light and mental stability, has evaporated a little bit more.

My tools for the day/last 3 weeks/or whenever it was I last blogged, have been patience(just sitting), and letting go(breathing), spending as much time as I can out doors, on my bike, driving somewhere.

The other day I was in a funk and needed to get stuff done to go back to work, and it was obivious two people were wandering around in different directions in my body, so I got on my bike in the sun to an excellent salad place, took my journal to write out priorities/clear out headspace/ and figure out what was most important to do next.

By the time I got back to the house I was more focussed for awhile.

To anyone else who may feeeeeel the silly season, as a mixed blessing, I’m with you.  We’ll get through this, and my favorite holiday is coming…A WHOLE NEW YEAR, Wow!

Blessings,

George





Focus

16 11 2009

Fast.

Bipolar fast, can be fun, if I’m prepared. I knew I would be walking into a fast day today, so I took a moment to be prepared.  Many fun and exciting things are happening as well as regular obligations I need to take care of.  I don’t really have a lot of time for idleness(one of my favorite past times).  What I’ve noticed is that it is easy for manic to kick in, ramp up the volume in my head and go way faster then is necessary.  I can also work fast, turn on idle chatter or narration, or connect with everyone, or comment on everything, or make jokes,  while I work.  Today, these are not helpful.

The biggest tool I use today, is focus.  What is happening right here, right now, what is the biggest priority.  Not 1 hr or 1 day from now, not what happened five minutes ago.  What is happening right here, right now, what is the current priority.

If I don’t know, I pause, breathe, think if I am thinking clearly, or write if I’m not.  Regain my focus and then launch again.

I also went to bed early, got up an hour earlier, and was sure to put on happy dance music straight up to get my mind in a fun flow.  I didn’t even give it a chance to think about the dramas and tribulations that occurred yesterday from travel.  I just got up, danced, and jumped into my day.

Now let’s back up; before I was willing able and aware of nurturing, taking care of and allowing my bipolar, I would have had a major blow out by now, been in full dark victim mode, possibly paralyzed in anxiety darkness or negativity overwhelmed in my chair, phone ringing, people trying to get a hold of me bigger mess building up, etc.

By purging yesterday, as best I could last night, and waking up gently today, observing my thoughts and injecting positive affirmations before my eyes even opened, I already had a head start.

The difference between dark victim mode, and ok let’s dance with this day mode, are actually fairly simple.  It’s more of a choice actually.  Yesterday in the middle of travel drama I was down a bit.  I picked up my positive daily reader, read a passage, and thought about it for 15 minutes before a flight, instead of allowing the negative spiral take me down.

Today I am grateful for being bipolar, because I was down, so hard, so long, for so many years, that because I am intimately  familiar with negative darkness in my mind, I’m much more able to quickly identify, and counteract the pattern, before it becomes disruptive.

Is being bipolar intense?  Yes.  At times.  It’s also a lot of fun to  have so many options and ways of tackling problems situations and opportunities.  Today, because of learning to be functional and having an awesome highly technical challenging job which can take me in many directions at once, I know, if I stay positive and functional, I’ll dance through just fine, and probably be able to accomplish a lot more, then if I wasn’t blessed with bipolar.

gotta go, big quick hug, peace,

George





Potty Brain

15 11 2009

I have potty brain.  To open minded men, (and of course women already know this), WE, as in the male race, have periods.  More importantly, I am having mine.  Pass the chocolate, send me to a spa, and please shut up and listen.  Ahh, I feel better already.

I wrote a blog at my last layover(1000 words) and decided it was total crap, and sent it to a dear friend.(I hope she deletes it, I forgot to write that in the subject line, sometimes I just need to send my mental crap to someone who will laugh and not take it as seriously as I am in the current moment)

I got on the plane and thought hmm.  What is going on?  Other then the fact I feel bloated fat uncomfortable restless upset and slightly pissed off at nothing, I’m FINE KEEP THE CHOCOLATE COMING.

When I’m quiet, I’m not always peaceful.  When I’m quiet, busy, and not communicating with people, uh, Houston, a problem is brewing.

A)  I can ignore it, and watch my mouth or my actions get me into big trouble soon.

B)  I can let myself become aware of it(like trying to write a blog instead of writing a rant)

Writing is my number one tool for dealing with bipolar today.  Write, Write, Write.  The reason is, I’m quiet, moody, haven’t been having real conversations with people lately, and I can feel my ears becoming horns, and my smile becoming a grumpy snarl.

By writing out a blog, erasing it, writing out another, erasing it, and finally taking an hour to perfect a “justified” anger blog/rant, I realized, I was way behind on writing.

When things are going well, I sometimes cut back on my daily routine a bit.  I’ll rely on a quick prayer, meditation, and reading a spiritual thing or too.  I usually cutback on writing about what ever is going on with me, this is when the yellow caution light on the control panel in my brain needs to start blinking.  Silly me, thinking I’m in charge, knowing what is best and when it is supposed to happen, and don’t need to bother dwelling within.  OOOOPS!  Nice try George, better luck next time.

This is when my shit shelf, starts to collect unresolved issues,

which start to simmer and boil until a perfectly good innocent:  target/issue/cause/moment/person/frustration, allows me to spark an eruption.

With any kind of luck, I became aware of this one soon enough so that I can write out everything that is bugging and upsetting me, call someone who cares enough and knows me enough to listen, and not let me get away with thinking I am a victim, and be ok again.  It’s not complicated, it just takes practice and willingness to allow myself to become aware of when something is off, and wanting to do something about it before I make a mess.

Thank you for helping me with my potty brain today, and sorry if I ate all your chocolate, I’ll be good for it next time you need some ; / }.

Now, WHERE is the nearest spa, I need a massage.

George





Urkiness

6 11 2009

Smaaaa.

Warning:  This blog may be in Crypto from planet George(the planet he refers to as where he came from that makes sense and is familiar)

Viewers note: This could be interesting watching the subject deal with growth as he types.

We now tune into our blog for today.

Growth.  Hmph.

Still ponds of unresolved issues gently simmering in the deep are nice.  Peaceful, pretty things to look at sooth the soul and ignore.

ISSSUEEES. (with slurred tonge) when they bubble up.  (in plain english here) SUCK.

uh oh, WARNING SIGN:  Hello bipolar viewers, this is a yellow caution light on the control panel, it’s blinking growth opportunity is occurring(the fine print indicates when investigated closer; deal with explore this NOW, or wait till it goes Booga boooga grab smack.)

Busy-ness, other priorities, it’s not the right time yet, are all great pastimes I engage in when back issues are simmering.

Presently stuff I would rather ignore and forget has surfaced.  AND guess what????

This time I have manifested a great conscious group of individuals to help coach me thru it, Yeah!!!

oh cripes, you mean its explore affirm feel watch allow time?

Yup.

Breeeeathe George.  DEEEEp breaths, breath in, hold, stay with the feeeling alllow it.  I know it’s scary, now let out the breath.

repeat.

When an unresolved issue emerges with bipolar, I know, trust me on this one, from many years of any and every kind of distraction I can come up with, it’s best to line up support, write it out, breathe it out, and figure out what I don’t like, let it go as best I can, visualize what I do want, and let it in gently by taking baby steps towards the positive.

The benefit of many dark gifts from my past, is knowing first hand how negative behavior feels and affects others.

Knowing what it feels like to pass on negative experience to others quickly brings clarity to what I want and don’t want to create for myself and others.

I want, healthy relationships.  More specifically, a healthy intimate relationship with a special someone.

 

AAAAAGh, no George don’t say that how dare you be so open you freakin me out man.

ha ha, bugaboo is out.(insert breath here for George(breathe for him please))(thank you)

While being functional as an individual, ie being able to balance out my swings enough to provide abundant food, shelter, water, fun and lots of adventure while I manifest dreams, is my Forte’.

Healthy long term intimate relationships, is my biggest area of growth opportunity.

After many sucessful disasters, I’m a bit gunshy and jaded.

Yet, hiding in a cave forvever, enjoying the abundance and the healthy friendships I have created won’t cut it either.

Why?

Because I’m never satisfied with surviving.  I thrive.  Bipolar used to be a huge negative for me.  But since it’s become such a huge spiritually motivating practise for me, I aim to thrive and enjoy life in every aspect I possibly can.

Even though I have much growth opportunity ahead of me in order to be in an intimate relationship, I know it is an important aspect of soul satisfaction to continue exploring until there is a big ahhh.

ok, that’s me for today, gently sitting in my urkiness, letting the bugaboos bubble, and receiving lots of support from healthy friends I am deeeply grateful for.

George





Riding The High Horse…

22 10 2009

Basic Bipolar Lessons 101:

Happy highs are fun.

DAILY ROUTINE.  ok that was Important, let me Repeat:  DAILY ROUTINE.

(this blog is actually for George Denslow, he is feeling high, happy high, and indicator lights have gone off in the control panel of his brain)

This is how I document the spiritually engaged bipolar life.  By capturing the moments live on the internet blog as they happen.

The energy in my body right now is incredible.  My mind is racing with happy life is wonderful thoughts, I feel particular chatty about anything and any opportunity I can, It would appear I am more charismatic than normal, because jokes are still going fairly well.

Being experienced at happy highs, slipping to inappropriate behavior quickly and unnoticed by me, these are the things I can do to breathe through them and enjoy them, before they get out of hand.  ( this is a huge part of being able to stay happily employed for so many years)

My daily routine.

I woke up gently with a soft light, and barely audible ocean surf from c.d. player,  1 1/2 hours before I had to be anywhere.

I was able to ease out of my bed onto my knee and thank spirit for another day, when I was ready to move.

Showered, Gi-Gong, and I sat for 20 minutes after reading a positive focussed daily reader.  My mind was a bit racy but I just focussed on sitting, feet on the floor and breathing.

I am drinking lots of water, doing my best to think twice before I speak, and being sure to take mini timeouts during the day to check in and see how things are going.

This comes from years of being clueless as to the affects of bipolar, and the unconscious damaging consequences.

All I want to do on the inside is running around screaming happy thoughts, laughing, and being blissful irregardless of the weather(very cold), activity, boss’s etc.(all these activities I encourage when I’m not under obligations for room and board.)  I just know for right now, people may or may not understand why I’m so happy and loving life, and soon I will be able to express freely.

Another indicator I am looking out for is when the ego engages with the high in bipolar and I can become very rude, arrogant, and outright obnoxious with anyone that dissagrees with me and my internal happy parade.

So in order to enjoy this ride on the happy high horse, for however long it lasts, my daily routine is the biggest key of success, today.

Big Happy Hugs to All and abundant energy from the north land if anyone is in need,

I see you, and your visions clearly today, sending huge support.

Gidddyup,

George Denslow

Vision Enthusiast








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