Toolbox time.

24 10 2009

Once I know my feet are on earth or I’m slightly below the surface of the water and my mood starts to shift towards staring at the dark cave, I know it is decision time.  Gratefully I am able to be aware when this shift occurs.  Years of meditations, and many sucessfully failed experiements in completely ignoring what is really going on in my head.

So grumpy boy woke up today immediately said I no wanna, and would have prefered to stay under covers in an awesome fort.

I also observed upset at the newspaper(not a good thing to read on grumpy days, or ever), and eager particpation in the drama club lately.

Drama club?  It’s what I call the group that loves to discuss all the crap they feel victim to.  I’m a card carrying member.  They occur at break tables, water coolers, coffee rooms, you name it.  Cheese is usually served to go with the whine.

When I notice I’ve sought out, created, or otherwise manifested drama players in an agreement council, it is,

toolbox time.

Am I going to waddle around with my diaper full at my ankles crying about life.  Or am I going to put my big boy pants on and grab my toolbox of ideas, to help shift my mood.

hmmm.(we pause here and put on some game show music so the contestant(me) can decide which way this particular day is going to go)

… thank you for holding, we will now continue…

OK.

Creeeeek. (sound of tool box opening)

HEY LOOK, my fake it till I make it badge.  I flip it over on the back it says, paint on a smile, be enthusiastic, and fake it till I feel happy. Hmm, this is kind of a fun one and I remember lots of good results, oh what the heck I’ll try it.

OH Heck, my easy and brilliant badge fell off again, I know that one has been working very well lately, I’ll try it too.

So here I declare, How easy and BRILLIANT can this most awesome of days be?

OOOPs, I almost forgot(this is actually getting kind of fun), my gratitude list, dang I haven’t updated it yet today, WOW, I like this toolbox.

Ok ready set, I’m armed and ready to have a fun, day.

Off I go…

George

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Vulnerability

23 10 2009

This is not a topic I feel comfortable sharing about.  I am committed to sharing and documenting this bipolar experience.

This past 24hrs since my last post could have filled up volumes if I was able to capture it fast enough.

When bipolar is going well, on the up cycle, normal, or just before way to happy high, we are excellent at being of service to others.  Our antennas are tuned, body, mind, spirit, going well……

ok I’ll own this.  I have had conversations over the years with other bipolars to confirm this and I’ll own this.

On my up swing, I can be of great service to others.  Once I’ve reached the crest and begin descent, my primary focus needs to be gently flying my plane to a soft landing, and or preferable skimming across the surface of the water.

This can be the baffling time for friends and loved ones.  How do you support, be a friend, of a bipolar person on a down swing.

It’s an art form.  Only friends that have stuck with me for years and learned my intricacies have surmised the dance.  There is a very fine line between allowing me space to work it out, and offering the right form of support that doesn’t drive me away, or encourage dependence.

In my own experience I have errored on the side of isolation to soothe the antennas and calm the energy down, and if necessary explore the dark cave, interacting with those I trust who have no need to offer, alter, or judge the current mental state I am choosing to experience.

What I do know, is allowing, not judging, the deepening, and sensitivity to occur, allows for a deeper opening to the sweetness, and exquisiteness of life.  Being able to be slow, unobligated, rhythmic, and gentle for a period of time, whether it is a full five minutes from work, or a day at home, can alter the negative aspects of a down cycle into a positive experience.  Instead of crashing into a dark cave, hitting a wall, I can gently rest, slowly intuitively explore any thoughts or feelings I may have missed going at rocket speed, and catch up on allowing my delicate tentacles to relax without an onslaught of regular life input.

This sounds a bit idealistic.  Yet I’ve discovered it is the most functional means I’ve discovered yet for being on this journey.  Being aware of highs, and the consequences of blowing out on good energy, being aware of slower cycles, and allowing the gentleness occurs, enable me to provide room and board for myself, and participate in the world in a functional manner.  This is actually huge for me.  Even though there are areas I have yet to be able to be functional with, I am always hugely grateful to be able to provide for myself(with the help of spirit) food, shelter, and water.  With this comes the freedom to pursue, how I wish to earn a living, alter where I live, etc.

The biggest tool that I used yesterday to enjoy the last gallop on the high horse and gently glide back to earth was my ipod.  A couple times on descent I put on the happy music to boost the rockets a little bit when I was going down too fast, and then when I was in touch with the vulnerability and in need of soothing I was able to switch over to spiritual mood music(instead of life sucks I’m a victim music), which helped me transition from missing the high, and beginning the quest for the gifts I need to discover next.

I think this is my first attempt at describing the down cycle in this way,

thank you for listening,

George





Riding The High Horse…

22 10 2009

Basic Bipolar Lessons 101:

Happy highs are fun.

DAILY ROUTINE.  ok that was Important, let me Repeat:  DAILY ROUTINE.

(this blog is actually for George Denslow, he is feeling high, happy high, and indicator lights have gone off in the control panel of his brain)

This is how I document the spiritually engaged bipolar life.  By capturing the moments live on the internet blog as they happen.

The energy in my body right now is incredible.  My mind is racing with happy life is wonderful thoughts, I feel particular chatty about anything and any opportunity I can, It would appear I am more charismatic than normal, because jokes are still going fairly well.

Being experienced at happy highs, slipping to inappropriate behavior quickly and unnoticed by me, these are the things I can do to breathe through them and enjoy them, before they get out of hand.  ( this is a huge part of being able to stay happily employed for so many years)

My daily routine.

I woke up gently with a soft light, and barely audible ocean surf from c.d. player,  1 1/2 hours before I had to be anywhere.

I was able to ease out of my bed onto my knee and thank spirit for another day, when I was ready to move.

Showered, Gi-Gong, and I sat for 20 minutes after reading a positive focussed daily reader.  My mind was a bit racy but I just focussed on sitting, feet on the floor and breathing.

I am drinking lots of water, doing my best to think twice before I speak, and being sure to take mini timeouts during the day to check in and see how things are going.

This comes from years of being clueless as to the affects of bipolar, and the unconscious damaging consequences.

All I want to do on the inside is running around screaming happy thoughts, laughing, and being blissful irregardless of the weather(very cold), activity, boss’s etc.(all these activities I encourage when I’m not under obligations for room and board.)  I just know for right now, people may or may not understand why I’m so happy and loving life, and soon I will be able to express freely.

Another indicator I am looking out for is when the ego engages with the high in bipolar and I can become very rude, arrogant, and outright obnoxious with anyone that dissagrees with me and my internal happy parade.

So in order to enjoy this ride on the happy high horse, for however long it lasts, my daily routine is the biggest key of success, today.

Big Happy Hugs to All and abundant energy from the north land if anyone is in need,

I see you, and your visions clearly today, sending huge support.

Gidddyup,

George Denslow

Vision Enthusiast





Wisdom Timing…

21 10 2009

Something has been going exceptionally well lately and I’m trying to figure out what.  If I were to add up the amount of time I’ve spent in light verses dark thoughts lately I would have to admit the scale has significantly tipped more to the light.

Insights.  I finally heard, not to fight other peoples energy’s or shield yourself, but rather to be in my own center.  All I have to do is re-member my center, and send away anyone eles’s energy, this sounds so simple have heard it a thousand times but this time something shifted inside can’t describe it very well.  I’ve always been so aware of energy around me inside me etc.  Only in my early twenties did I discover other people and books that discussed energy openly.  For years I’ve tried shielding, engaging, letting go, you name it. Part of it has been feeling response-able to see, therefore deal with negative energies, the net result being hugely draining at times, yet thinking I’m doing some good along the way.  But recently I just ask, is this my energy or someone else’s, and any other then mine goes away.

If you are now officially convinced I’m crazy, that’s ok.  The more I acknowledge my internal experience for what it currently is, the less crazy I feel, and more better able to be in tune with what is happening rather then squeeze myself into something I’m not intended for.  I was able to write this out really well in my book, I don’t have a copy with me, I will post the page number as a comment here next time I blog.

Also I heard the lesson finally of letting it be easy.  This time it came through in the form of Easy and brilliance.  I got it, it sunk in, it found a landing place in my brain and I think it’s locking in as a new protocol routine to follow.

I used to carry around a backpack full of books and be up on all the flavor of the month healing modalities.  I had bookmarks in every book I intended to finish and could join most conversations about have you heard about…in regards to new age healing methods.

Then one day I discovered how in my head I was and out of the present.  My mom gave me a magnet for my locker at work that said there is a present in the present, when I am present. (My mom was my first “spiritual” (Sunday) school teacher, and philosopher buddy)

So I picked one or two books to study at a time, stopped going to all the latest…, and started breathing more.

This is what leads me to believe, the more comfortable I am in my own skin, as I am, right here, right now.  Worts, moods, light, dark, grumpy sad happy.  The more I let me be me.  The more present I am with now.  The more present I am the better I am at hearing what it is I really need to be, do, say, not say.

I’m discovering the added benefit is I have more landing room inside me for wisdom when I am ready for it, and better able to hear it when it comes.

If the results are deeper and deeper peace, then I am hugely grateful in this moment.

Dang I like this lots, like boxes of chocolate ,cept when I chew them they bring me peace.

I may have access to all the knowledge and the latest healing modalities available, but do I have access to the wisdom inherent in me and my soul exactly as I am?  Am I able to freely express what I see, and feel, and therefore create peace internally?

I used to be so desparate to fix myself, I lost touch with the parts of me which were already perfect and always will be.

Now that I don’t feel as desperate anymore, I get to enjoy what is going well with me, and I am better able to filter out what I’m ready to embrace as the next gentle step releasing that which is not true about my current perception/experience of life.

Wisdom Timing-if the wisdom train stops at my station will I be present to receive the gifts, or busy looking at the schedule for all trains of thought coming next?”

George





HOLD the presses…I’m feeling…normal???

19 10 2009

Uh oh.  This is rare, well not actually but.  Wait a minute, let’s see.  Hmm.

Not anxious, check.

Not restless, check.

Heart beat normal, no excessive eating, exercised, meditated, no arguments feeling calm…?…?

Is this what they call normal?  What is normal, I’ve seen some preeetty crazy “normal” people.  Nope not normal.

Maybe serene.

Hmm.  I like that word.

Wait George you are bipolar, how that heck can you be feeling serene????

NEWSFLASH, (in small print here, rarely non-bipolar people are notified of this little known secret)  In between our swings, especially if we actively engage in spiritual practises to regularity clear our energy, honor our rhythm and baby step in our current practical visions.

WE CAN AND OFTEN DO FEEL SERENE AND ARE FUNCTIONAL,

at this point the bipolar tribe pipes up and says, “BS”

Confession time here. It was many years before I first had this strange experience of serenity.

Buts I gots ta tells yas.  It’s a mighty fine’a.

It’s deep, it’s delicious, not to goofy, not too low, just right.

I’m not having to read or watch tv till my eyelids close or fill my empty time with busy-ness, I’m finding moments of just breathing, and listening.  Kind of natural spontaneous meditation.

Peace

g





Panic Button

16 10 2009

A friend of mine wrote this morning and said she was feeling desparate.  Wow, I can relate to that.  I’m feeling panic and terror, and have been experiencing a huge ongoing anxiety attack.

I am excellent at creating drama in my head, that may or may not ever materialize.

I run around in the control room in my head and push the big red button labelled Panic.  Alarms go off paperwork gets spilled the coffee pot sprays everywhere and I run around in circles.  In one of my laps around the control room in my head this morning after reading my friends email who is feeling desparate I tripped over a Buddha.  What???

Yeah go figure a buddha in my control room when I am busy having an anxiety attack.  What the???

So any way this buddha whispers something like, George, go push the Calm button.

I can’t I scream as I get up and run into another chair and going flying.

But George, it takes just as much or less energy to push the calm button as it does to push the panic button.

Hmph.  I ignore this guy smash the panic button, more alarms, chaos, and another lap around my  mind reviewing everything I am screaming about.

But this time around I trip and accidentaly hit the calm button instead of the panic button.  As I fall I notice my legs cross my back goes straight and I start slowly breathing.  Before my eye close I manage to look over and spot the Buddha with an odd smile on his face and his hand looks like he just flicked something.

Before I know it my eyes are closed I’m slowing breathing.  1,2,3, breathing in, pause, 1,2,3, breathing out.  A kitchen timer appears before me set for 10 minutes and I’m grateful because my mind pays attention to the tick tick tick.  But then a c.d. player starts putting out ocean surf sounds…

20 mins later, my eyes slowly open, and I hear a small voice this time from inside me say.

“What if all is truly well?”

“What if spirit really is in charge?”

“What if I live in an abundant universe that is conspiring to help me at all times?”

I get up walk over to the Buddha, smile, and go about my day.

George





The Big Ahhh

10 10 2009

I like having a daily positive metaphysical lesson.  It’s almost cheating.  Who knows how I’m going to wake up or treat my day.  Sometimes moody, disruptive and cranky, sometimes happy go lucky no matter what.

A positive daily lesson preferably with a few questions to write out and answer, can offer me a reframe and positive direction no matter what state of mind I’m in.

Being at work again, my lesson this morning couldn’t have arrived at a better time.  Finding the Ahh.  Looking for the positive.  It is easy to slip into negatives, and yet I’ve found it’s much more enjoyable and even a little easier to be in the positives.  Finding the gratitude, looking for the spiritual role or lessons I may be learning.

And this was the key that unlocked my ahh and positivity.  Re-membering that their is a benevolent power I am a part of, that could quite possible be a plan I don’t know all the details of, and right where I am, who and how I interact with could have nothing to do with the surface appearances and everything to with transformation occurring underneath.  And who am I to complain if I don’t like or feel comfortable with the current lessons I’m learning and creating for myself.

So thank you for this day, this opportunity to be alive, to be in the presence of spirit, to seek and to know Spirit’s will through action.

ok, time to be the worker bee.

g








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