Thillyness

27 03 2010

I feelthh, goofyness.  YUPS, it’s the giddy time of the month.  Issues aren’t bothering me, work has been easy, I’m laughing, verbose, and dancing through the negativity.  I’m positively jolly.

I’ve observed my inhibition word editor in my brain is not paying a whole lot of attention.  I really wasn’t that interested in paying attention while I drove yesterday.(no worries, I’ll get really grounded before I drive today, or I’ll find an excuse not to drive and enjoy the inner bliss instead)

The joy of relaxing a little to be in the first stages of an upswing, and be able to pay attention enough to know, at some point soon, extra grounding exercises would be a good idea.

For the moment I’m joyfully happy, hopeful, and somewhat still calm.

Thank God for moments like this with bipolar where all is well and my highs and lows aren’t getting me into trouble.

Thank God I know the signs of when to slow down or speed up to get around the swings when they come surging through.

Thank God for the ease I feel in this silly moment, and all the smiles from people who can enjoy moments of levity from a goofy nut like me when I want to wag my tail and talk funny, even if I am “working”.

Tickles,

George





Silliness ROCKS!!!

2 03 2010

“…their true identity is grander than the troubles the world poses, and they teach more by joy than by words.”  Alan Cohen, A Daily Dose of Sanity. March 1st.

Wow!!!  my most favoritests topic!  Me hav bunches a favs but this gotsa to be a big’un.  Me, myself, and I have discovered humor, sillyness, outrageousness is availible 24/7 365.  Odds are if I allow myself to be goooooofy enough I can laugh at anything.  I love sticking my tonge out and fingers in my ears and wagging my tale all at the same time.  I love making sounds with my mouth like I’m driving a truck or race car.  I love dancing spontaeously for no particular reason with or without music.  I’m blessed with being bipolar in this way.  No matter how dark I’ve gotten at times, the light inside me has never extinguished, and sometimes in my darkest moments in the far reaches of the back of my cave, out bounces the goofy being that I am.  THANK GOD.   At first I used to ignore or poo poo this light being in me because I was busy being moody, grumpy, alone, depressed and desparate and beat up by life I didn’t need any silliness thank you very much I just sat and suffered.

UUUUFffda.  Fortunately my goofy self could never take no for an answer for very long.  In fact when I healed a bunch of childhood stuff, and discovered my happy inner kiddo I affectionately refer to as WALLY, then it was game on.  I made Wally the CFO in my head (Chief Fun Officer), I gave him carte blanche to interrupt my moody darkness in any way he saw fit whenever he felt like it.  I forgot about this and life moved on. I was in a funk one day, and WHAM, next thing I know I’m skipping along the sidewalk, jumping into the ocean when it’s way too cold and uncivilized, walking around in public fountains, buying super soakers giving one to a current friend then sneaking up on him  or her and getting in all kinds of trouble.  Just the other day Wally upgraded his gaming system to an xbox 360 and we both love the driving games. Vrooom, Vroooom, (oops Wally was taking a mouth break from writing)

The more I play, the less I focus on “THE LIST”, and “my problems”, the more I allow my inner kiddo to show me how fun just about anything (including work) can be, the happier I am.

Nowadays when I’m in my deep dark cave and Wally shows up, I love to listen and follow his directions.

Hokey Pokey’s to ya,

Wally and George





Higher Path

12 02 2010

“I choose the path that brings the deepest reward to me and everyone concerned.”  from Alan Cohen’s new book A Daily Dose of Sanity, February 12.

Alan talks about the four choices we can make after an event occurs.  Do we wish to be retaliatory, a victim, stoic, or seek a higher vibration.  This is an excellent lesson for me today.  This effects me on many levels.  I have several different views of myself inside; modes I can slip into without realizing it.  Justifiable anger is the often the easiest mode I can slip into.  I am angry because____.  This reminds me of _____.  Therefore I have every right to ____. (and perpetuate the cycle of darkness).  In victim mode, life is hopeless, it’s not my fault so moping and crying is all I need to do.  Wandering around with my diaper full and hoping to gain enough attention so someone will change it for me.  I am also excellent at stoic or what I like to call monk mode.  I surrender to the emptiness, the calamity and the inevitability of karma.  I am therefore I live, and x, y, z events must therefore happen.  Sometimes I call it drift mode.  I can do all my spiritual practices, and know I did what I could, and then just sit back and idle by coping with life as best I can.

And now for the Bonus round.  Seeking a higher path.  With bipolar, I can actively and at times simultaneously run around in the squirrel cage of my brain in all these modes, jumping from one to another as my mood shifts.  And yet sometimes, I manage to slow down enough, get out of the spin cycle, and seek a higher path.  Yes folks, I’m here to tell ya, even bipolar can be a gift, an opportunity, and a blessing in life.  It has been for me.

A higher path with bipolar started with thanking spirit for this unique mind and gift(even though I didn’t know what the gift was yet), and then actively looking for good in the experience.

The path to a higher life with bipolar was long and ardous for me yet the dividends I keep recieving, make it all worth while.

A major root of transformation from victim to healer with bipolar has been the active study of books by Alan and others like him over the years.  From the inside out, thought by thought, which resulted in positive acts, on a daily basis.  Unwiring the “I hate life”, mode to “wow, how cool is this, I can be naturally high without any drugs or expensive workshops, and I can survive dark nights of the soul and gain the insights and grow on a regular basis.  How freeing this is.”

I observe so many people that walk or bump through life, yet never feel great pain or ecstasy transform into real life lived inside of dreams/reality, or opened up inner life to roam and express more freely the joy of life itself.

A higher path in life may not be attractive, juicy, or have all the pizazz initially, yet the deep chuckle and first hand knowing of a person served deeply from a higher act, is deeply satisfying.

at your service,

George





Barking

17 11 2009

I’m happy excited moving through lots of energy and projects, and my radar tweaks a bit.  It says funky energy alert.  Funky energy alert?  Yep.  Coming from a past of no clear boundaries or definition of, and being an empath(new word I’m discovering and adding to my vocab), it is at first an uncomfortable feeling.  It took years to discover what boundaries were, much less clear ones, how to set, defend, and maintain.  After having them for awhile it took awhile to understand how they can be a little bit flexible.

Anyway,

As I was driving from one location to another(I love driving/thinking/jamming out to current groove which blends uplifts current state of mind), I was feeling uncomfortable.

When I realized it was an interaction with someone that didn’t feel right ie:  Seeing one thing, feeling/hearing another, I realized a boundary that I haven’t had to defend or interact with in quite awhile was being tested.

I like being generous, open, happy, in the flow, I don’t like being taking advantage of-or more importantly allowing others to take advantage of me.  Just because I like being friendly doesn’t mean there is a walk all over me bumpersticker on my forehead anymore.

So when I realized what was happening, that I had allowed someone’s energy to invade my own a little bit, I spontaneously starting BARKING.

?

uh, George, would you mind explaining that a little bit.

ok.

My first language was dog.  I learned to communicate fluent dog, before I ever understood what humans were screaming about all the time.

So like dogs, when another one got to close, I started barking.  A warning back off bark.  It’s ok I was alone in my truck miles from anywhere, and having fun.  I barked, woofed, laughed and barked some more.  Anytime that person’s energy or thoughts came up, I barked again.  By the time my drive was over, I was dancing groovin flowing, and went on with my day like nothing happened.

Learning how to become aware of our personal space/energy/minds, and how to create a feeling of safety, in order to express who we are is a biggie, especially for me.

Barking was my tool for the day, in feeling safe with my bipolar experience.  Instead of feeling a happy functional high crash hard, because I wasn’t feeling safe, I was able to energetically protect myself, get back in my own center of energy, and groove on with a happy flow.

Wag

George





Focus

16 11 2009

Fast.

Bipolar fast, can be fun, if I’m prepared. I knew I would be walking into a fast day today, so I took a moment to be prepared.  Many fun and exciting things are happening as well as regular obligations I need to take care of.  I don’t really have a lot of time for idleness(one of my favorite past times).  What I’ve noticed is that it is easy for manic to kick in, ramp up the volume in my head and go way faster then is necessary.  I can also work fast, turn on idle chatter or narration, or connect with everyone, or comment on everything, or make jokes,  while I work.  Today, these are not helpful.

The biggest tool I use today, is focus.  What is happening right here, right now, what is the biggest priority.  Not 1 hr or 1 day from now, not what happened five minutes ago.  What is happening right here, right now, what is the current priority.

If I don’t know, I pause, breathe, think if I am thinking clearly, or write if I’m not.  Regain my focus and then launch again.

I also went to bed early, got up an hour earlier, and was sure to put on happy dance music straight up to get my mind in a fun flow.  I didn’t even give it a chance to think about the dramas and tribulations that occurred yesterday from travel.  I just got up, danced, and jumped into my day.

Now let’s back up; before I was willing able and aware of nurturing, taking care of and allowing my bipolar, I would have had a major blow out by now, been in full dark victim mode, possibly paralyzed in anxiety darkness or negativity overwhelmed in my chair, phone ringing, people trying to get a hold of me bigger mess building up, etc.

By purging yesterday, as best I could last night, and waking up gently today, observing my thoughts and injecting positive affirmations before my eyes even opened, I already had a head start.

The difference between dark victim mode, and ok let’s dance with this day mode, are actually fairly simple.  It’s more of a choice actually.  Yesterday in the middle of travel drama I was down a bit.  I picked up my positive daily reader, read a passage, and thought about it for 15 minutes before a flight, instead of allowing the negative spiral take me down.

Today I am grateful for being bipolar, because I was down, so hard, so long, for so many years, that because I am intimately  familiar with negative darkness in my mind, I’m much more able to quickly identify, and counteract the pattern, before it becomes disruptive.

Is being bipolar intense?  Yes.  At times.  It’s also a lot of fun to  have so many options and ways of tackling problems situations and opportunities.  Today, because of learning to be functional and having an awesome highly technical challenging job which can take me in many directions at once, I know, if I stay positive and functional, I’ll dance through just fine, and probably be able to accomplish a lot more, then if I wasn’t blessed with bipolar.

gotta go, big quick hug, peace,

George





Wiggle Ziggle Thpppt

4 11 2009

Ahh, can you here it….

It’s siiiilly time.  Of all the strange phases I wander thru in being bipolar, I must admit I have a favorite.  Unabashed, un edited, SILLY MODE.  Watch out universe I’m Laughing today, at anything and everything.

?

uh oh, does this mean the u know what is going to…NOPE.

Yes there are times and places when silliness could posssssssibly construuuued as iiiinnaaa propriate.

but, more then we thinks so, if we give ourselves persmission, SILLINESS can cure mannny things.

There is just nothing like drifting out of deep sea time into thumbs in the ears fingers wagging, tounge sticking out and thhhpppts.  ok everyone, try it with me now , 1, 2, 3,  THppfttssslklklkjssstthppt.

Ah.  Now didn’t that feeel better.  What were you so posssibly serious about that it turned you smile upside down?

The best part about sucessfully walking through dark bipolar times, and crazy episodes in life, is after having survived the current onslaught we can create or throw at ourselves, the big scaries, may not be as big anymore.

This is big.  This is huge.  I used to have so many fears, about so many things.  Thanks to the benefits of bipolar, I actually got to experience many of my nightmares, first hand.

And guess what?  I survived, I learned, I tried again with a bigger vision/experience/plan, and

THRIVED, time and again.  If you were smart, you could probably listen to others, learn from their mistakes, and walk a smoother path.

but if you are an idiot like me(sometimes)(ok many times at times) then take heart.

No matter how much crap I’ve gotten into, with a positive attitude, and a heavy dose of absolute silliness at monsters I’ve conquered on previous engagements if they dare raise there ugly heads again,

I have overcome and thrived, and lived in new and bigger dreams, much better then I planned or thought possible.

Of course I still generate crap to deal with and areas of my life leave much room for improvement, but the basics, and a lot of fun, are abundant.

I am grateful to be bipolar, GOOOOfy, and very siiiilly today.

George

(the strange one riding his bike sticking his tongue out and flapping his wings again)





Riding The High Horse…

22 10 2009

Basic Bipolar Lessons 101:

Happy highs are fun.

DAILY ROUTINE.  ok that was Important, let me Repeat:  DAILY ROUTINE.

(this blog is actually for George Denslow, he is feeling high, happy high, and indicator lights have gone off in the control panel of his brain)

This is how I document the spiritually engaged bipolar life.  By capturing the moments live on the internet blog as they happen.

The energy in my body right now is incredible.  My mind is racing with happy life is wonderful thoughts, I feel particular chatty about anything and any opportunity I can, It would appear I am more charismatic than normal, because jokes are still going fairly well.

Being experienced at happy highs, slipping to inappropriate behavior quickly and unnoticed by me, these are the things I can do to breathe through them and enjoy them, before they get out of hand.  ( this is a huge part of being able to stay happily employed for so many years)

My daily routine.

I woke up gently with a soft light, and barely audible ocean surf from c.d. player,  1 1/2 hours before I had to be anywhere.

I was able to ease out of my bed onto my knee and thank spirit for another day, when I was ready to move.

Showered, Gi-Gong, and I sat for 20 minutes after reading a positive focussed daily reader.  My mind was a bit racy but I just focussed on sitting, feet on the floor and breathing.

I am drinking lots of water, doing my best to think twice before I speak, and being sure to take mini timeouts during the day to check in and see how things are going.

This comes from years of being clueless as to the affects of bipolar, and the unconscious damaging consequences.

All I want to do on the inside is running around screaming happy thoughts, laughing, and being blissful irregardless of the weather(very cold), activity, boss’s etc.(all these activities I encourage when I’m not under obligations for room and board.)  I just know for right now, people may or may not understand why I’m so happy and loving life, and soon I will be able to express freely.

Another indicator I am looking out for is when the ego engages with the high in bipolar and I can become very rude, arrogant, and outright obnoxious with anyone that dissagrees with me and my internal happy parade.

So in order to enjoy this ride on the happy high horse, for however long it lasts, my daily routine is the biggest key of success, today.

Big Happy Hugs to All and abundant energy from the north land if anyone is in need,

I see you, and your visions clearly today, sending huge support.

Gidddyup,

George Denslow

Vision Enthusiast








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