28 02 2010

“If you knew that you would be given more of what you focus on, what would you focus on?”  Alan Cohen.  A Daily Dose of Sanity.  Feb 28th.

This one hits me right between the eyeballs, thank you Alan.  I’ve been hyper focussed on being a good host, loving my parents, and driving myself insane/sane between my ears.  I’ve been down the positive spiritual path way too many years to blame anyone for anything.  It’s all, ALL, of my own creation in partnership with a loving gentle allowing positive force in me of me and greater than me.  I hired them many years ago to play the role of mother and father in my life.  I’ve also been an adult way longer than a child.

The good of all of this has been practicing, the sh*t out of today’s lesson all week.  Witnessing myself in my head, longing for the joy and love in my heart, breathing, reading, redirecting, reframing, mini break, and alas visiting my heart for a moment.

It’s been an amazing week/journey with my folks.  They are actually incredible people that I have walked a long road with.  Many years ago I began asking questions, praying and meditating about their story.  It opened my heart hugely.  Each visit I have with them, if I am successful in breathing myself and letting myself go into the present moment, I always recieve a new pleasurable experience or moment with them.  We either have a deepening conversation, experience, or I gain some new clue about my/their past which always gives me insights into freeing up my present/future.  Yes it is always a concentrated experience for me, and just like when I go on a spiritual retreat with Alan or someone similiar, I always grow leaps and bounds.

With years of solid knowledge practise and experience that I really do create the current “reality” I’m walking around in, and that which I focuss on is busy creating/allowing my next “realities”, it transforms currently difficult relationships into growth opportunities.  The more I let go of judgement, and allow my heart to open to the moment and possibilities of connection in front of me, the bigger, and freer I feel in life, and the more time I get to be ok when I am inside my head and even more practised at escaping back to my heart when I am ready.

Smiling, laughing at my self today,


Intensity Dance

26 02 2010

“What would you be doing differently if love and harmony were a requirement for your dealings?” Alan Cohen, A Daily Dose of Sanity Feb 25

This blog will be a stream of concsiousness between my recent lessons of ongoing visit with my dear beloved parents and attempting to study understand apply todays lessons. Alan’s lesson today is about love.  The role of love, positive intention, and harmony in all our dealings.

Bridging the gap here.  I KNOW, intensity light dark cave open good dealings/bad, struggle strife, occasional ease, repeat.  I am an ancient gentle loving soul having a review of human instensities back on planet earth human body.  Even though when I read lesson’s like todays and have a hmph reaction like nice try Alan but REALLY???, I know what he describes is possible.  To be really honest I have actually incorporated love and harmony in many interactions and been quite pleased with the results so this is where I insert laugh at self.

The best part of intensity in life has been my craving for peace, love, calm, and tranquility.  Intense life lessons have actually pointed me in the direction of love.  Having and losing all the trappings of “success” several times, and realizing what truly is important, evaporates over time all the b.s. availible to distract myself from the true gift of being with people.

On one hand it is so easy to judge.  To be afraid, to protect.  Yet it is so much more fullfilling to slow down, to listen, to ask for guidance, and pray for direction.  Someone may be suffering near me in a way I can be of service.  What’s the point of working through a darkness if I am unaware or unwilling to help.

The more I’ve accepted where my father is at in his life, and let go of my smallness, the better I am able to love him as deeply as I am capable of and really want to.  So what if xyz events have occurred time and again in his life.  SO WHAT.  What if his intensity and strife in life was designed by me to bring me to peace, and know the value of peace that much sooner in my life so that I can turn around and be peaceful for him.  It’s hard for me to imagine my tenacity for peace, without the intensity of my early years.

If the level of tranquitly I get to visit and or swim in on a regular basis in my life, comes from the crazy dances, then so be it.  Life is good now, who cares?

It’s been another amazing day.  Witnessing the trauma and drama b.s. run around in my head while I make the 12 inch journey into my heart and live and love from where my soul wishes to be with them.

Thank you God for all the “distractions” in my life that have led me to love.

prayers for your loved ones,



25 02 2010

“I discover where passion and genius live, and I let them guide me and others to success.”  from Alan Cohen’s new book A Daily Dose of Sanity.  Feb 24th

I love hanging out with people.  I find it incredibly fascinating and juicy to listen to a conversation as it drifts through the blah blah blah, and gets to what awakens the soul.  Usually at some point in just about any conversation there is a sentence a line or a word that awakens the spirit.  Sometimes it is preceded by a hurt or a concern in need of comfort or acknowledgement. Sometimes nervousness guides us everywhere but our passion.  It’s the stillness that ensues from allowing a listen to someone discover where their train of thought is going which brings the fascination for me.  When I completely let go of me, and allow space to be filled with the others verbal journey, I get to discover their gold.  Each individual I’ve ever had the pleasure of lingering in conversations with have always led me to thoughts that often grow and expand in me for years to come.  It is so amazing to me how many people there are and how many moments there are and how each one can blossom into a treasure.  Rarely have I ever not been amazed by glow in another’s eyes when the bingo of what they are really interested in pops out.  This is when I see the teacher in each and everyone of us.

In Alan’s writing today he describes the art of a true teacher is to step out of the way, keeping the focus on what is truly passionate and life giving.  I absolutely love and respect this about Alan and his teachings over the years.  In my eyes he is a true teacher because of his utter honesty and devotion to completely embracing and letting me go, no matter where I have been on my journey.  Every drama and trauma I have ever brought to him, in person at a retreat or over the phone in a life coaching session, he has always seen and reflected the good that I am, helped me to reframe my current crisis or problem, and gradually over time helped me to fish for myself and now most recently helping me deepen my skill for helping to teach others to fish for the good in their life no matter what is occurring.  It is through gentle guidance from his written words, time to let them sink in, and week long retreats, that I was able to transform bipolar from a “disorder” to a divine spritiual journey/opportunity.  It is through years of Alan seeing me whole as I was, that allowed me to question to see to allow the process in me bloom into the gifts of internal light and dark journeys which organically and naturally occur within me.  I can honestly look you in the eye and say each agony, each dark night of the soul for me is directly responsbible for copious amounts of  the ecstasty in my life today.  Ecstasy for me is realizing in the moment how extraordinary life itself is, and each of us is a window to a unique perspective of it.  With an open mind and an incredible teacher like Alan in my life, a journey of unfolding is enivitable.

Thank God for true and awesome selfless teachers.

in stillness and gratitude,


God Hugs

23 02 2010

“If we are disconnected from our Higher Power, we are vulnerable indeed, easy lunch for every beast that lurks in the darkness…When we remember that the power of God sustains us, we can conquer anything.”  from Alan Cohen’s new book A Daily Dose of Sanity.  Feb 20th

No thanks God I’ve got it covered from here, thanks for you help, life is going well. (this is where we insert the game show elevator music as we watch in suspense while George attempts to drive his life from the front of the bus).

an enevitable undetermined amount of time later…

Sometimes occurs in a dark cave of mind, some times on the edge of a cliff(still in the mind), sometimes metaphorically over the cliff and screaming,

uh, God,   GOD,  HELP!!!!!

To be clicheical, (new word I just invented), religion is for those who don’t want to go to hell, spirituality is for those who don’t want to go back or want to find their way back out again.

Currently I’m in a bit of what I like to call a spiritual boot camp.  So far a mild experience.  My folks are visiting.  In all fairness I deeply and dearly love them and all my wars and battles with them ended several years ago, and now we are in a deep enjoyable friendship, which is totally awesome and amazing.

And….the drama and trauma which occurs is completely in my head.

It’s amazing how spiritually lazy I can get, and ignore my daily routine and spiritual practices.  In one way it’s way cool that I’ve been able to create a life in which I enjoy a lot of peace serenity pace, and activity that I can almost evaporate into and not have to proactively make myself do spiritual practices.  Naturally I do meditate, read blurbs, exercise but not purposely or forcefully, and it’s easy to let it slip.

It’s amazing how quickly when I feel a little off center or numb, I gravitate without hesitation, get up shower, gi gong, read spiritual literature, write, meditate.

It’s also so comforting to know, without the slightest hesitation, that God, spirit, higher power, is availible.

I like the call the moment I receive spiritual connectedness and physical relief, God Hugs.

Today was awesome.  I was feeling neurotic, got up did my daily routine, and now I know my day stands a much better chance of enjoying my time with my beloved parents, and not letting my head drama get in the way of discovering a story I haven’t heard from them or a special moment of connection.

Healing is possible for ANYONE, God is availible, ALL THE TIME, take it from a recovering neurotic dark hole cave dweller like myself, peace is possible.

God Hugs to ya on this awesome day,


Judgement or Opportunity

21 02 2010

“Can you suspend judgement and let things be exactly as they are?”  Alan Cohen, from A Daily Dose of Sanity, Feb 19th.

Gee, this is excellent timing.  My folks are coming for a visit, and I read a blurb about suspending judgement.  Hmm.  Judgement is the fearmonger of protection.  If I can judge someone I am safe and protected from seeing their point of view.  If I feel vulnerable it is easy to slip into judgement and pushing people away.  If I am busy judging someone than it is so much easier to blow off any real or perceived judgments from them, because I do not acknowledge their thinking.  Judgement has kept me angry and distant from many people for many years.  Here is the juice.  Can I ever really judge anyone other than myself?  Do I really think I know what’s going on with the other person or did I just hire them to exhibit some behavior I do that I am not ok or comfortable with?  Overtime is there anyone that I have judged that with a little bit more actual info about them, I had compassion?  Isn’t it juicy when the ice of judgement melts and a friendship flourishes?  Recently two guys at work pissed me off.  Both were ego maniacs, one was a little napoleon, and the other was unjustly(in my opinion) promoted to a position of authority over me with little or no experience.  How dare they run their company without my approval???  The first guy pissed me off for years so I just avoided him which was easy because he wasn’t on my crew.  The other guy only appeared on the scene within the last year, so I’ve just done the sideways backhanded crab dance around him which is easy for me.  Fortunately on the back burner of my brain is a pot that simmers the “spiritual” nature of me and whispers every now and then how much nicer life would be with more friends and less energy devoted to protecting myself judging others and living smaller.  After revisiting the Napoleon complex guy I overheard he had several health challenged children.  Melted my heart immediately.  No wonder he likes a little more control at work.  Then, when I allowed myself the gift of sitting in uncomfortableness with him, he shared he was a Vet, that saw some pretty intense action.  Immediately my respect level goes way up compassion increases and now I can tolerate, be kind and gentle around this guy, and I’m actually interested in whatever stories he chooses to share.  Funny thing, the other guy turns out has the same situation at home.  I also discovered how similiar he was too me in all my dark ways of manipulating a situation as needed.  When I had compassion for his family life, and acceptance of seeing my dark side displayed so openly by another, I realized he was an ok guy, struggling like I was at times.  I can now admire and take notes from his techniques, and what he has done with that other jerk(oops I mean individual I haven’t fully explored my judgements around), they are coworkers from years back and he seems to interface well and take the edge off when I am most annoyed.  Judgement, it could be the doorbell of opportunity for in to me see with self and others.

Wish me luck as I love with deep compassion my folks,



19 02 2010

“…growing beyond past traumas or fears empowers you in ways far stronger than if the event had not happened.  The past cannot impede you because you are far greater than it is.”  Alan Cohen from his new book, A Daily Dose of Sanity.  Feb 18th.

Thank you Alan.  Thank you for guiding me back to inner ancient wisdom.  Thank you for being your part in the chain of light and wisdom that has passed thru the years of humanity.  This process of being human, making the decision to live a life, the lessons we create and allow, and the process of growing expanding overcoming being more than we thought possible, is so fascinating.  I watched my mind play tricks with the lesson of this day.  I was grumpy moody and negative.  Upon first reading I felt even worse.  I was the horse shying away from ghost trees no longer in reality.   As the day grew and expanded and I completed my work duties for the month, the back of my mind kept chewing on my negative reaction to the spiritual lesson for the day.  It finally clicked open when I stopped judging myself for how much of my past I haven’t let go of yet, and starting acknowledging how far I’ve come, and how far I’ve let go of.  This is my lesson for the day.  My initial reactions to words and situations are not always the deepest shade of helpful truth.  Sometimes it takes awhile for my soft gentle spirit to whisper me back to life is ok.  Life is good, and it’s ok what reactions and judgements I have.  Like Alan points out in the message today.  The only place my past exists is in my mind and it is therefore the only place it can be healed.  One of the greatest gifts Alan has helped me to re learn in myself, is the ability to skip the dark, and focus on the light whenever possible.  Yes X,Y,Z events happened in my life and they were horrible.  Yes I could focus on reliving the pain.  OR, option B, behind door number FUN, I could focus on what I really want to create next in my life.  It actually takes less energy and I create more when I focus on increasing the positives in my life rather than taking the same energy to magnify the past.  I’ve also discovered the more I ignore the past and have new fun experiences my perceptions and life experiences shift, and if I happened to glance over my shoulder, I am different, and understand more.  I’m also an incredible strong and deep person.  I know now these gifts came directly from being challenged beyond what I thought was possible early on, time and time again.   Probably the biggest gift and gratitude I have from the past, is my appreciation for basic functions in life, and appreciation of any pleasant moment.  The more I allow myself to focuss on these simple abundant things which occur every day, I am often distracted away from others events that could have upset me in the past.  In difficult meetings I can focus my compassion on a person in a leadership position and try to remain in a heart space.  This occurs because of the pain I have felt in being angry and in my head, and seperated from connection to people.  Comparing notes with a coworker after a difficult session with a boss, I can see how much easier the experience was for me, because my focus is more on the present, and connection with the individual, not necessary their words, actions, or role of authority.  I am also grateful for the huge treasure chest the past gives me.  If things had been simple and easy, would I still be making so many profound discoveries and feeling my life deepen with people from all walks of life?  Does this condone or alleviate the pain in horrendous abuse situations that are happening now in peoples lives?  No.  But I am able to pass on hope, to those still in the firsthand situation like I was many years ago.  People used to look me in the eye, and somehow without words knew what I was experiencing or remembering and were able to communicate comfort, and a knowing trust that if they made it so could I.  This is a beautiful chain of survivers turned thrivers that exists in the human experience.  Yes we can get caught and stuck in victim mode, there is much agreement and support for this, Yes, we can also survive, overcome, thrive, deepen, strengthen, and appreciate life so much more beyond what unchallenged people can easily take for granted.

A bit wordy tonight, thanks for listening,

much love,



17 02 2010

“Trust your inner guidance more than external opinions.  The voice of genius has never been a respecter of professional authority”  Alan Cohen from his latest AWESOME!!! book, A Daily Dose of Sanity. FEB 17.

When I was 17 I received a diagnosis of bipolar, manic depressive during a 5 week involuntary stay in a mental institute.  They tried to put me on lithium and I was able to convince them I wasn’t interested and to give me a chance to live without medications.  They did share with me all the depressing “facts” about bipolar, higher than average suicide, divorce, incarceration, etc.  Exciting stuff for a young adult to face.  23 years later, my fingers are in my ears, my tounge is sticking out and my tail is wagging.  I’ve never been locked up again, I’ve travelled internationally, written a book, worked professionally in a challenging career for over 12 years, made truckloads of money and circulated most of it back into life.  If nothing ever happens again in my life I can sit and grin forever.  The “professional experts” had one diagnosis and prediction for my life.  THANK GOD FOR ALAN COHEN, and other spiritual authors and teachers like him, that gave me hope, possibility and encouragement to discover the good and the gift of bipolar and the opportunity that it truely is.  Easy smooth sailing path?  NOPE.  Deepening, opening, beyond my wildest expectations better than I thought possible?  YES.  Is it possible for anyone?  I have no idea.  I have no control over how much how willing and how desparate someone is to improve the quality  of their life and what they are willing to let go of.  I do know, from the inside out, it was possible for a drunk and a drug addict like me to find a way out of hell, and into a life which is pretty awesome.    Do I have a normal life?  NOpe.  Do I enjoy a healthy happy relationship and family of my own?  Nope.  I do enjoy a relationship with my family of origin, loving supportive friends, lots of travel and adventure, and hope, that each relationship I grow in is leading me to the possibility of the kind of ahh I am interested in from an authentic union of autonomous individuals.  Bipolar has lead me on a phenominal journey of discovery.  I could be the poster child of many classic skrew ups in life.  I could also be a poster child for many miracles by the grace of benevolent spirit.  I don’t get any sales or commission from recommending any books by Alan Cohen, I do get a warm feeling in my heart each time I highly recommend anyone struggling with life, to pick up any of his books and begin a journey of opening discovery and altering the course of your destiny, it’s definitely worked for me, and I eagerly anticipate the next chapters in my life.

Big Hug,



16 02 2010

“How might you handle your upset from the inside out rather than trying to change the external world?”  from Alan Cohen’s latest book A Daily Dose of Sanity, Feb 16th

Sometimes I am just empty.  Sometimes words come easily, sometimes quiet is the order of the day.  Alan’s message is very powerful for me.  In fact I would say sometimes I dig too much, or get lost in the looking of what’s deeper rather than trusting the emptiness and stillness to allow the muddy waters within to clear long enough to see what is really going on.  My vacation/spiritual retreat bubble has faded away slightly and I am settling in a little more to life as it currently is.  Overall I am deeply grateful for the abundant opportunities to be quiet gentle and slow.  I am also awakening to deep longing for more connection with local community in my life again.  I’ve been on a bit of a solo sojourn of internal healing for a couple years, and I’m beginning to open up again to what’s going on around me.

Allowing myself to be in the stillness inside today,



15 02 2010

“How might you succeed more by clarifying your signal and sending it out with confidence?” from Alan Cohen’s new book A Daily Dose of Sanity, Feb 16th.

I like this one a lot.  I’ve discovered lots of internal freedom in my life long ago when I admitted I was weird, different, slightly crazy(ok abundantly so), and unique.  Bipolar has given me a wonderful journey of truth and exploration.  The way my brain is wired and some scientific discoveries of which I don’t pay attention to details are beginning to affirm this. Anyway, where was I, oh yes.  Expressing the vibration that I am has led my life on an amazing journey.  When ever there has been a question about greener grass or is this really true, 9 times out of ten in any group that I’ve been in, I’m the one that’s gone there done that, and found the next butterfly to chase.   The rewards have been endless.  When I think about many things, there isn’t the question of what if.  At the same time my universe keeps expanding, now I wanna do this this and this.  How freeing is that?  OOps before I forget, yesterday I goofed.  Alan Cohen’s new book is A Daily Dose of Sanity, not A Daily Dose of Reality, which of course leads me to ponder the slip of my mind and eager anticipation of when he does write the book.  The more uniqueness I express, the more I admit and confess to myself and those I trust how “crazy” I am…wait for it…The MORE NORMAL I FEEL.  Whoa!  What’s going on here George?  By admitting you are crazy you feel normal???!  When I no longer agree with views of life and “reality” that I have personally experienced to the contrary internally or externally, and the more I allow my humor and goofiness, and big heart to express itself fully and freely, the less crazy, and more normal I feel.  If I were to take a guess on it.  By being my goofy me, it allows others to be themselves, and relax a little more in my presence.  When others relax a little more, I end up having more friends, interesting conversations, and a connectedness with beings from planet earth wether furry or smooth skin human.  With friends and connectedness, I feel accepted and appreciated.  Hmmmm.  I totally and completely agree with Alan’s daily reading today and highly recommend it.  The more authentic I am in my life, I attract people to resonate with, and situations melt that don’t serve the juicyness of life.  Our inner joy of expression is our constant guide to inner ease in life.

Big Goofy Sloppy Heart to Heart Hug with a wag and a wiggle, ; / >.


(I detect a slight high coming on, this otta be fun…)

Honkin For Love

14 02 2010

“What we do from joy expresses love, what we do from fear calls for love” from Alan Cohen’s new book A Daily Dose of Reality February 14th.

I really like what Alan wrote about love today.  Our natural state is connectedness with our beloved, either in ourselves spirit and or another human.  We are either united and expressing love, or honkin to rediscover and embrace the connection.  Alan Cohen really is a master of words.  How many times and variations of the lesson of pain from others is really a call for love, yet the metaphor he illustrates today drops in at a much deeper level for me.  All my honks in the dark, are not dark, they are a search for connection out of the dark of loneliness.  Thank God for God.  Thank God, all my honks are received and reconnect me at the right time to spirit.  It is awesome to be in a loving relationship.  And when we are not, it is awesome to linger extra moments with spirit.  My meditation this morning wasn’t as juicy as it has been lately, but I think I’ll devote a little extra time today to create that space to allow for a deeper connection with spirit.  A few extra moments at break, a pause after lunch, and more quiet time this evening to feel centered.  The greatest love affair we can ever allow ourselves is the beauty that erupts in the moments we allow ourselves to see the beingness we already are in the eyes of benevolent spirit.



%d bloggers like this: