Bipolar Rocket Science

10 01 2010

Yes Houston we have cleared for flight all systems functioning big ahh is being heard.  OHHH thank God mental phases pass.  Never ceases to amaze me how good my job is for me.  Bingo 2nd post of New Year and George has already lost it.  No seriously.  The routine of work is good for me.  I am completely open to retiring as a full time bum/speaker/blogger, yet and in between times, the discovery of a job I’m actually talented at and desire to get up early to do “spiritual” pushups, ie a little exe, Gi Gong, daily reader(with a positive focus), meditation.  I almost sprayed coffee again on a friend the other day when she said oh you are so spiritual and disciplined.  Hmm.  When a mental institution is in one corner of the ring, an alcohol and drug addiction which leads to cuddling up to dumpsters in another corner, and the ability to fly off the handle at any and all perceived idiots is in another corner, and behind door number 4;  Do these simple things everyday and you have a chance of being functional, and having preferred choice of activity on and off the job.  Uhh.  Hmm.  Walk around in a bathrobe and slippers behind bars, puking all over myself, yelling at anything, uh could you repeat option 4 please.  Yes, it’s called a daily routine.  Wakes up my body, mind, and spirit, and puts me on a path that leads to interacting in a semi sane way with most people and situations, and gradually leads me to improving the quality and options in my life.  Now add 20 years.  Nope, not disciplined and spiritual, just lazy.  I’ve discovered after much research in all corners of the ring, that taking care of myself, leads to a much lazier and enjoyable life.  Thank God for being bipolar today, so that I can cherish the simple and the profound gifts that have come to me from running from the dark results available with bipolar and into gifts which come from, spiritual practice.  KEY WORD HERE.  P-R-A-C-T-I-C-E.  What is it the black belts of 12 step say(I’m referring to the Al-Anon ers.)  Practice not perfection, raising a virtual toast to that one.  Which reminds me of an unmotivational poster I heard about yesterday that almost sprayed my second attempt at drinking coffee.  “Not all of us are capable of being astronauts, get over it”, well, fortunately for us bipolar types, we can rocket all around the place on and off demand at times, and when we teach ourself how to pilot our own minds in order to negotiate organic rhythms in our lives, then we too can see sights within beyond our wildest imaginations.

cruisin the good life,

George

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Soul Happy

8 01 2010

Even though technically I’ve been depressed for a month, I wouldn’t trade it for a moment of bliss.  The stillness derived from the depths of patience with my inner soul openings continues to redefine my comprehension of capacity of peace within me, and deepen my loss of the definition of the word depression.

Was I active? Not much.  Did I think happy positive thoughts? Nope.  Did I sit and appreciate calm, stillness, opening to deeper previously untouched parts of me, YES.

Do I have any great plans, motions, insights, go forth go-all?s.  Only openess to the moment as it is.

Two words sum up this deep internal time of reflection(the beginning of my alternative definition for depression),

SOUL HAPPY.

that’s it.  that’s my mission statement for 2010.  In stark contrast to my 500 word essay last year detailing all the desires directions intentions of that moment in Jan 09.

How much can I let go this year, in order to let in.

Whether in solitude with benevolent spirit, or in the company of another human housed angel, how much in-to-me-see-allow, am I able to gently create?

How many extra moments in stillness am I willing to dwell in?

How deeper can my appreciation for simplicity grow?  Hot vertical water, warm tasty food, clean clothes, options for activity in day?

It was at the beginning of my bipolar journey many years ago that I embraced these simple things in life when self medicating through drugs and alcohol, and being institutionalized for 5 weeks at 17, took almost all of them away.

Now as I sit and reflect on my new definition of de-press-in)hmm, in clean clothes covering a clean body that has experienced hot vertical water and soap, tasty food, and deep sleep, all within the last 24 hours, I realize and renew again my commitment to being soul happy.

Having recently accomplished major life go-alls, and currently drifting in between guidance till next passion captures me, I’m allowing this year to be directed entirely by my soul, trusting allowing life to happen exactly as it is.  Letting the rush of excitment or need of my body energy lift me in and through each activity as it appears, whether it be feeling the warm water on my hands in the morning while cleaning last nights delicious meal off my white plates listening for the kettle to hum first cup gift from the Gods Kona coffee water is ready, or the warm feel of peace while exerting my feet on pedals after many miles on my bicycle, or the mutual nod of a travel companion become friend over the course of a casually initiated conversation amongst strangers.

This is my gift and gratitude of being naturally bipolar this last month, and being in a new year.  Able to see feel reflect deeply, and appreciate life that much more simply, because of my internal organic rhythms taking me away from comfortable mental states, and so deeply back into good life, in it’s most simplest and abundant form if I am willing to receive it’s whisper.

Happy New Year,

George Denslow

Jan 2010








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