?Self Trust? WTF?!!!

7 01 2017

silverbhuddaSo I had a conversation with a friend the other day about bipolar and selt trust. My response WTF??? I have never trusted my uneditied self. My mind is way too open my boundaries have all been violated by myself and others, I have no trust at all whatsoever, and yet I do. Certain people certian times, situations, I trust. Faith in a Concious Flow greater then myself, yes. Absolutely no, can’t bullshit you there, I have experienced plenty of couch druel time when God was no where near a concept I could trust much less believe in.

So this bold suggestion from her that I could actually trust myself has got me in quite a diddle. A bit grumbly diddle I might add. WTF I could begin to trust myself? It feels like my entire life my mind has been suggesting and convincing me to do really stupid shit, as well as talk other people into it not to mention dwelling in thoughts of suicide from time to time, when I’ve given up hope.

I even brought up a classic example of mania at a retreat one time and she had the audacity to point out she was there, had fun, and would trust me again to go on the adventures we came up with. How dare people trust me. This is just a bizarre concept to me. I’m serious, I’m trying to be funny sarcastic and blow it off, or come up with some twist, but I’ve gotta sit down and think about this seriously for awhile. Am I trustworthy? I’ve invested so much of my life taming and riding the bipolar monkey brain on my shoulder, that I’ve never bothered to review what and if I’ve made any progess. In fact it wasn’t until recently I started observing and measuring the stimilus and response to and of situations that trigger me. This is what led me to my first clue, that I may indeed may not be actively bipolar anymore. Holy shit!!!

Is that even possible? What about the “experts”, what about what about what about, and is it possible that I haven’t been for a couple years even????

Shit! I was so wrapped up in my identity of being bipolar, I forgot to invent a new identity, what if all this crap I’ve been preaching and practising about spirituality and self-regulation and slow gradual improvement over time is paying off, and actually true?

WTF! Inspite of my language I have actually been pretty calm at home and work for awhile now. Slightly on the depressive side, yet very manageble and functional, no need for meds(which I’ve never taken), or missed obligations, moments of laughter, adventure and fun happening even.

hmmm, maybe bipolar behavior is just an Illusion?

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Hope Evolution

22 04 2015

I dedicate this blog, to those living in hopelessness. I’m praying happy tears for you today. When I began my journey of hope. Hope that myself and all of life was not horrible, out of control, and a useless miserable failure, my hope, was from a kernel of faith, that somehow still existed inside of me, in spite of it all. Some part of me lived, kept breathing, waking, moving. My faith came from books, because all people had proven themselves to be idiots and untrustworthy to me. They also locked me up, because of my mental behavior.

This journey of hope, began locked, in severe psychological pain, after years of faith and bust. Words, read, uncovered, hoped were real, began my journey back to life. Out of words came healthy habits. Writing my thoughts in journals, all of it. The good the bad the ugly. Over and over again. Journals clean out crap in my head, and reveal gems from time to time, if I’m patient and persistent.

Over time, my faith and hope, led me to opportunities, experiences, which led to real life, real time, face to face healing. Along the way I discovered and interacted with healthy humans, and let go of many humans stuck in behaviors that were destructive for me.

My happy tears today for people in hopelessness, is gratitude for the potential. If we can survive the hopelessness, If we can be graced with discovery and opportunity of new healing then we can evolve.

Happy tears today, are for the discovery of erosion of psychological control temporarily embedded by humans in positions of power living in their own unresolved fears into innocents. Time, healthy daily methods, new healthy information, observation and experimentation of good ideas, have continued to erode those negative unhealthy psychological destructive beliefs, behaviors, identity, and unconscious reactions to stress, given to me, and a little bit each day ejected, and eventually let go of completely.

I continue to say good bye, to other peoples fears, and hello to life is good, and getting even a little better, each day.





Energy Up Batman!

29 10 2013

Image 2Up turn here Clyde.  Slow, weather, bed, warm, ahh.  Alert Alert Alert.

Slippy time is hear to see and say, nope, I chose active.  Natural rhythm weather easy slow deep empathy cycle recharge, but nopes me choose active.

change music to pop track, move move move, remote robotic control if necessary.

“With vision, you have a reason to live through the low times and a motivation for getting out of bed, taking excellent care of yourself even when you don’t want to, and the joy of bringing something beautiful into the world.” pg 51, Living Out of Darkness.

While my mental insides may be processing all input from spring summer soul growth harvest, I do not have to let my feelings rule/control my body.  Keeping my body active, while my emotions are turbulent, this time of year is important.   I do allow moments of sitting but it’s a slippery slope for me.

Staying in touch with my inner empathy and grief is important, because I never know who it may be connected with or what is ready to heal.  Brief gentle following of thought thread can lead to a family or friend in quiet need, and a phone call or contact can help lift them up, and I feel good for having allowed/followed internal empathy intuition.  However, dwelling in unknown empathy, or tugging on the chords, can lead to unwanted helping of others, or bring both our energies down.  

Successfully passing thru this initial stage of winter, staying active, consciously empathetic, and rebooting positive daily routines, can lead to an enjoyable winter.  It’s also good for me to pick up mentally interesting and mystical books like the Tao Te Ching to help sort refresh eternal questions.

wiggle the hips jiggle the flab,

long way to spring people,

let’s MOVE!!





Shame Lock…Release

24 10 2013

SoulvelutionI’m undoing a shame lock in this moment.  “Delusions of grandeur”.  I would like to reframe this, and remove stigma.  I am a visionary.  I see that which is possible.  I struggle with bringing it to reality.  It is the struggle, which brings me peace.  If I were to stop at delusion.  Cut the soul sight before grandeur is given a chance, what a horrible world I/us/we would be.  Grandeur is the potential of past visionaries we are now living.

Shame, locks us up internally, and rips grandeur to delusion.

Unlocking shame inside can/is brutal at times.  Easy path hide.  Harder path, create, no matter what.

I turn my grandeurs into reality, with one simple habit.

Positive daily routine.

Currently my family is dealing with parental life stage transitions.  Many conversations, many stirred up monsters and demons, PTSD reactions etc.

My past me, the one locked in shame and delusions of grandeur, would hide in my bed, and watch the horror 24/7 family news cycle in my head.

The me of many years, trusts creativity, soul work, emolution(new word), and getting on with life, no matter what.

How I do this is simple.  Coffee today, taking stock of life, oh-I have family obsession cycle running in my head, mental note, must create and publish in some way cutting edge of soul, TODAY!!!

This is what turns my delusions into realities.  Devoting ten minutes or more of concrete action on current soul creative edge, ESPECIALLY when feeling obsession or shame or “too busy”.

Living my souls edge, keeps me ok inside, thru it all.  Good times for me, are now defined by what’s new news inside, and enjoying it outside.  The best physical things in my life, came thru me, because of carefully working towards them.

Any level of sanity, functionality, enjoyment, come from a commitment to paying attention to what is quiet and still, and THEN taking action.

Soul ON!

George

P.s. Emolution- the evolution of my emotions into creative realities.





Emotional Ahh

20 10 2013

ImageI am not the extreme of my past.  I am not the extreme mental and physical choices I made to cope/interact with the chaos around and inevitably in me.

Was my past since birth totally of my creation?

If not, do I have to prescribe my entire life to it’s chaos?

What if I’m actually a calm happy creative sane functional human, temporarily held hostage by the creation and wreckage of my first 20 years, and recovery from?

As I settle once again, from another emotional hurricane, I relish in the choices I’ve made to create calm functionality in my life to return to.  None of it happened instantly.  Yet it is possible.  Yes I deal with all kinds of anxious moments, activities, etc.  But there is a calm overwhelming routine to return to.  It used to be externally only.  I followed a calm path offered by others for years in hopes of it working.

My prayer today, is to encourage, all those choosing calm routines, in spite of current internal or external chaos, to continue their journey, no matter what.  If peace is possible for me, than I hold hope for you.

george





Happiness Now

13 08 2010

“How could you find your happiness now by either shifting your attitude or doing more of what you love?”  Alan Cohen, A Daily Dose Of Sanity, July 26.

I think I’ve found a cure for my boss problem.  I’m paying less attention.  For years I’ve struggled with a harassment style micro manager, and I’ve let it take away from my work experience.  Because I enjoy my craft, the environment I work in, and the time off and money is great, I’ve been reluctant to leave, just because of him.   This summer I decided to spend as much time as I could outside with my body in the elements whatever they are.  Even if it’s a late shift or very long day, I’ve insisted on going outside for a bit to release the day in some way.

Today, I’ve noticed that the headspace I leased for obsessing about my boss (even when I’m not interacting with him) has shrunk considerably.  In fact I would dare say, I’ve become happy again at work, which I was for many years before he ever arrived.  This dumbfounds me because of how worked up I was about another’s behavior, yet a simple shift on my part altered everything.  Instead of giving up all the aspects I enjoy, I focused on them even more.  Wow, lucky me for sticking it out, and allowing the happiness to become more now.

Smiles,

George





Chill Pill

18 05 2010

“I seek upliftment, and find it.” Alan Cohen, A Daily Dose of Sanity May 18th

I took a chill pill three days after coming on shift and have been enjoying my time ever since.  For some strange reason I let myself get all hyper and upset about the spill in the gulf which kept me in the news cycle on my off time.   Instead of chilling out and relaxing, letting go,(it’s not like I can swim down a mile and plug a crude oil pipe)(or watching the news constantly is going to fix it any faster),  I got all wound up, during my off time.

So I come back on shift wiggy, off kilter, freaked out facing two weeks of solid work.  I had the usual bipolar feelings of being out of control, inappropriate, frustrated, and slightly hopeless.  The illusion of oh my God I’ve always been this way and always will be kicked in as well.  I even had thoughts of I can’t remember when I was last mellow and all was well with the world.

Breathe, take a chill pill.

For me, my chill pill was just the realization I had been out of tune with my daily routine for awhile and it was time to get back on my “formula”  and seek the balance.  Get up, get on my knees, ask God for help today, thank God for help getting through yesterday.  Shower, exercise, and meditate.  Eat, walk outside, drink chamomile (first cup than coffee).  Sit and read something positive and spiritual.  Think.  Write about it.  During my day I’ve paid particular attention to my breaks, i.e. where I take them, that I insist on taking them, and who I associate with.  Also at lunch one day I steered away from the crowd and enjoyed quiet time instead.

Guess what?

My chill pill has worked marvelously, I’m back in a good groove for several days now, even though I’m still at work, and lots of things are happening I must pay detailed attention to.

Peace,

George








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