Inner Mess

31 01 2017

So much of mental health, is not about today. I’m a whiny little boy today. Wordless moody helpless one year old. I don’t like it. I just want to cry pout throw a temper tantrum or two break stuff, repeat, eat something, and then take a nap. Not much has changed for many of us. So mental health and functionality becomes managing these symptoms. I didn’t wake up on my day off today, expecting to get in a tissy fit with my bank, but I did. There is no financial concern or serious issues, I was just in a mood to get in a fight and I did. Now the more mature part of me feels like a shit, because I was not nice to people being paid to do their job which involved obeying rules and the laws of time and physics, what a bother. I couldn’t instantly fix a semi complicated online banking process, that I screwed up a month ago(or more), and decided today, this exact moment I was going to fix it. Hmmm. Yes, whiny crying explosive, aaarrgh.

I’m in a new layer of growth, and to be fully honest, I kind of like it. Life was getting very simple, routine, and calm. So I was open to the idea of writing another book, and the first month or so flowed easily. Gee, when I write about something I might grow??? How audacious is that? What do you mean I might stir up unresolved feeeeeeelings and issues and be a bit grumpy vulnerable out of sorts? What do you mean the big picture relaxed attitude might not jive with the minutia of daily details. Waa Waa.

So do I continue this disastrous trajectory of my day, or figure out how to change my own emotional diapers, again. Euu, smelly emotional crap, arrrgh. Ok. Fine. What??? WTF, do I have to do.

Why thanks for asking, how about sitting down and shutting up, and turning off your phone, closing your computer and… …no you idiot, not right this second, but I admire your willingness. So, finish writing your blog, close your computer, and SIT, silently, for 5 whole minutes, AAAAAAAA. Trust me, this is not the first time I’ve wrangled your emotions in, this will work. And no 5 whole minutes, in the middle of your week off will not cause the world to end, that’s barely a fraction of a tv episode you would rather numb out in on netflicks. In fact, if you dared to give me a whole 20 minutes, I could really get you on track to a better day, like. Hey, sit for 5 minutes, then write for 10, yeah, ok. Ready. Set. Sit.

?Self Trust? WTF?!!!

7 01 2017

silverbhuddaSo I had a conversation with a friend the other day about bipolar and selt trust. My response WTF??? I have never trusted my uneditied self. My mind is way too open my boundaries have all been violated by myself and others, I have no trust at all whatsoever, and yet I do. Certain people certian times, situations, I trust. Faith in a Concious Flow greater then myself, yes. Absolutely no, can’t bullshit you there, I have experienced plenty of couch druel time when God was no where near a concept I could trust much less believe in.

So this bold suggestion from her that I could actually trust myself has got me in quite a diddle. A bit grumbly diddle I might add. WTF I could begin to trust myself? It feels like my entire life my mind has been suggesting and convincing me to do really stupid shit, as well as talk other people into it not to mention dwelling in thoughts of suicide from time to time, when I’ve given up hope.

I even brought up a classic example of mania at a retreat one time and she had the audacity to point out she was there, had fun, and would trust me again to go on the adventures we came up with. How dare people trust me. This is just a bizarre concept to me. I’m serious, I’m trying to be funny sarcastic and blow it off, or come up with some twist, but I’ve gotta sit down and think about this seriously for awhile. Am I trustworthy? I’ve invested so much of my life taming and riding the bipolar monkey brain on my shoulder, that I’ve never bothered to review what and if I’ve made any progess. In fact it wasn’t until recently I started observing and measuring the stimilus and response to and of situations that trigger me. This is what led me to my first clue, that I may indeed may not be actively bipolar anymore. Holy shit!!!

Is that even possible? What about the “experts”, what about what about what about, and is it possible that I haven’t been for a couple years even????

Shit! I was so wrapped up in my identity of being bipolar, I forgot to invent a new identity, what if all this crap I’ve been preaching and practising about spirituality and self-regulation and slow gradual improvement over time is paying off, and actually true?

WTF! Inspite of my language I have actually been pretty calm at home and work for awhile now. Slightly on the depressive side, yet very manageble and functional, no need for meds(which I’ve never taken), or missed obligations, moments of laughter, adventure and fun happening even.

hmmm, maybe bipolar behavior is just an Illusion?

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