Mental Heroes

22 11 2013

In my eyes, anyone, with any degree of mental opportunity who dares to engage with self healing/exploration/challenge of gifts, is a hero.

IMG_2427It doesn’t really matter to me who how or why we end up struggling with “normal”, “functional”, focussed, homogenized, day job income happy people life ad nauseam etc whatever.

What matters to me, INSPIRES me to continue my journey of healing exploring creating what I deemed impossible unconsciously or not, is others who DARE.

Who cares if we don’t see feel think act behave color within boxes lines or circles or even know what they are.

Yes, we are different.  We think act, create, see, say, explore, challenge.

Today, home again, I am my own hero.  As I continue my journey of exploring income potential thru my own creative writing and artistic endeavors, it scares the hell out of me.

Run and hide, terror.

Yeah, it started 40 plus years ago, I’m still not over it, but I still dare to be creative, and explore self sustaining financial reward and it pushes and triggers all my buttons.

When I feel every fiber in my psyche wanting to shut down, I slow down and admire instead.  Yeah, ok, I still have monsters and ghosts for what I witnessed, so what.  I can feel the monsters shut me down, or I can see the monsters inside me, AND the life I have carefully created in-spite of, because of?

We can be our own heroes.  It’s easy.  almost.  Well not really, but it can still happen.  What is it I really want to create or experience today?  What possible baby step can I take towards that.  Period.  You are my instant hero.

It’s amazing to me, that which I want the most, often scares me the most.  That which I’m enjoying the most now, a calm, peaceful lifestyle (when I’m off work), was an impossible dream I wasn’t even capable or aware of as a possibility.  But by having dreams, and taking baby steps bit by bit, I crawled inside a better life, inside out.

Be a HERO!

Create!

George

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OOOPS! OH well, restart.

22 03 2010

Hey George, READ YOUR BLOG, and follow directions.  ?  YES YOU GEORGE.

?

Remember, coping tool, RRRRRibit.

yeah.

did you???

OH.

OOOOPS!

I had a blow out yesterday.  At the end of the day I reread my blog about just being a toad, and laughed till I cried because I did the exact opposite.  I took insult after condescending insult from my instructor until I blew up in his face.  He finally found and crossed a line in me I was no longer willing to tolerate and be bigger than.

So, with bipolar when I have a blow out.  It’s good old fashioned paper and pen journal time.  I like to call them after action reports.

on page 35 in my book “Living Out of Darkness-a personal journey of embracing the bipolar opportunity.”

I wrote, “it is very helpful to have a written reference in our own hand to go back to and try to figure out what happened.”

What I’ve figured out, is that I am scared.  I have a lot of stability in my life, and I’ve thoroughly enjoyed the career that I have because of the mental challenge, and lots of quiet time in between the action moments.

This time is over, and if I wish to continue with this company, I need to use less of my brain, and more of my body, in an environment I don’t feel comfortable in.

Yes, I could get a new job.  And, I feel so closely connected with my passion of sharing what I learn about my bipolar journey, I wish to linger as long as I can so I can nurture and grow my passion into a potential dream of being financially supported while full time sharing, living in my passion.

Because I am a dreamer.  Because I have lived so much in high states of mind, and survived low states to know the value of living what I am right now.  I am able to keep putting one foot in front of the other, and learn things that scare me.  My current job helped me to realize how smart I was, and how capable I was in figuring things out.  Now I get to learn how brave and physically skilled I can become.

Thank God for my daily routine today, of getting up and walking even when I didn’t want to.  Writing to help sort my brain out(thanks for listening), and reading positive spiritual literature to feed my brain something else besides obsession about my worries.

Thank God I am bipolar, and have dream of continuing to share my passion for it.

Thanks God, for all the people in my life that know the good that I am, regardless of all the other silliness I get involved in.

peace, hugs,

George





Higher Path

12 02 2010

“I choose the path that brings the deepest reward to me and everyone concerned.”  from Alan Cohen’s new book A Daily Dose of Sanity, February 12.

Alan talks about the four choices we can make after an event occurs.  Do we wish to be retaliatory, a victim, stoic, or seek a higher vibration.  This is an excellent lesson for me today.  This effects me on many levels.  I have several different views of myself inside; modes I can slip into without realizing it.  Justifiable anger is the often the easiest mode I can slip into.  I am angry because____.  This reminds me of _____.  Therefore I have every right to ____. (and perpetuate the cycle of darkness).  In victim mode, life is hopeless, it’s not my fault so moping and crying is all I need to do.  Wandering around with my diaper full and hoping to gain enough attention so someone will change it for me.  I am also excellent at stoic or what I like to call monk mode.  I surrender to the emptiness, the calamity and the inevitability of karma.  I am therefore I live, and x, y, z events must therefore happen.  Sometimes I call it drift mode.  I can do all my spiritual practices, and know I did what I could, and then just sit back and idle by coping with life as best I can.

And now for the Bonus round.  Seeking a higher path.  With bipolar, I can actively and at times simultaneously run around in the squirrel cage of my brain in all these modes, jumping from one to another as my mood shifts.  And yet sometimes, I manage to slow down enough, get out of the spin cycle, and seek a higher path.  Yes folks, I’m here to tell ya, even bipolar can be a gift, an opportunity, and a blessing in life.  It has been for me.

A higher path with bipolar started with thanking spirit for this unique mind and gift(even though I didn’t know what the gift was yet), and then actively looking for good in the experience.

The path to a higher life with bipolar was long and ardous for me yet the dividends I keep recieving, make it all worth while.

A major root of transformation from victim to healer with bipolar has been the active study of books by Alan and others like him over the years.  From the inside out, thought by thought, which resulted in positive acts, on a daily basis.  Unwiring the “I hate life”, mode to “wow, how cool is this, I can be naturally high without any drugs or expensive workshops, and I can survive dark nights of the soul and gain the insights and grow on a regular basis.  How freeing this is.”

I observe so many people that walk or bump through life, yet never feel great pain or ecstasy transform into real life lived inside of dreams/reality, or opened up inner life to roam and express more freely the joy of life itself.

A higher path in life may not be attractive, juicy, or have all the pizazz initially, yet the deep chuckle and first hand knowing of a person served deeply from a higher act, is deeply satisfying.

at your service,

George





Urkiness

6 11 2009

Smaaaa.

Warning:  This blog may be in Crypto from planet George(the planet he refers to as where he came from that makes sense and is familiar)

Viewers note: This could be interesting watching the subject deal with growth as he types.

We now tune into our blog for today.

Growth.  Hmph.

Still ponds of unresolved issues gently simmering in the deep are nice.  Peaceful, pretty things to look at sooth the soul and ignore.

ISSSUEEES. (with slurred tonge) when they bubble up.  (in plain english here) SUCK.

uh oh, WARNING SIGN:  Hello bipolar viewers, this is a yellow caution light on the control panel, it’s blinking growth opportunity is occurring(the fine print indicates when investigated closer; deal with explore this NOW, or wait till it goes Booga boooga grab smack.)

Busy-ness, other priorities, it’s not the right time yet, are all great pastimes I engage in when back issues are simmering.

Presently stuff I would rather ignore and forget has surfaced.  AND guess what????

This time I have manifested a great conscious group of individuals to help coach me thru it, Yeah!!!

oh cripes, you mean its explore affirm feel watch allow time?

Yup.

Breeeeathe George.  DEEEEp breaths, breath in, hold, stay with the feeeling alllow it.  I know it’s scary, now let out the breath.

repeat.

When an unresolved issue emerges with bipolar, I know, trust me on this one, from many years of any and every kind of distraction I can come up with, it’s best to line up support, write it out, breathe it out, and figure out what I don’t like, let it go as best I can, visualize what I do want, and let it in gently by taking baby steps towards the positive.

The benefit of many dark gifts from my past, is knowing first hand how negative behavior feels and affects others.

Knowing what it feels like to pass on negative experience to others quickly brings clarity to what I want and don’t want to create for myself and others.

I want, healthy relationships.  More specifically, a healthy intimate relationship with a special someone.

 

AAAAAGh, no George don’t say that how dare you be so open you freakin me out man.

ha ha, bugaboo is out.(insert breath here for George(breathe for him please))(thank you)

While being functional as an individual, ie being able to balance out my swings enough to provide abundant food, shelter, water, fun and lots of adventure while I manifest dreams, is my Forte’.

Healthy long term intimate relationships, is my biggest area of growth opportunity.

After many sucessful disasters, I’m a bit gunshy and jaded.

Yet, hiding in a cave forvever, enjoying the abundance and the healthy friendships I have created won’t cut it either.

Why?

Because I’m never satisfied with surviving.  I thrive.  Bipolar used to be a huge negative for me.  But since it’s become such a huge spiritually motivating practise for me, I aim to thrive and enjoy life in every aspect I possibly can.

Even though I have much growth opportunity ahead of me in order to be in an intimate relationship, I know it is an important aspect of soul satisfaction to continue exploring until there is a big ahhh.

ok, that’s me for today, gently sitting in my urkiness, letting the bugaboos bubble, and receiving lots of support from healthy friends I am deeeply grateful for.

George





*Hugs Self*

5 11 2009

A good friend of mine puts astericks in front of and behind action statements in her emails, I likes this.  Another friend of mine suggested I write out another relationships execercise.  If there is one thing about positive metaphysics, I have zero patience at times(still waiting for the bipolar and relationships book).

ok George where ya going with all this.

*hugs self*

We as bipolar individuals, as in me, is my first and foremost line of defense, and cure.

?

The more I am able to gently figure out and allow what activities stimulate peace and enjoyment in my daily life, the more I can relax into being who I am, rather then who I or someone else may think I should could would be.

I have adapted and manipulated myself into many contorted positions over the years to try and fit in with this person place or thing.  Never works in the long run.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m stubborn beyond any reasonable comprehension, I can stick it out in a bad situation for years beating myself against the wall of not accepting who and what I really am.  I can also slide into roles that aren’t extremely uncomfortable that sort of fit and only recquire a few modifications to my beliefs, and cruise along.

Deep unhappiness, has always been the result.  I can be physically taken care of, and have the current illusion of security, but am I really just walking numb through life to the possibilities of who and how I can best serve the experience of life?

The train wrecks, I have made out of my life, and survived by finally jumping the wrong tracks I was on have always taught me one thing in the long run.

Who I really am, underneath behind all the fear I love to play with, is AWESOME.  I am unique, one of a kind, and have much to offer myself and others who need my unique blend of life.

Bipolar can be so scary at times in figuring out the basics, food, shelter, water, that it is easy to lose ones self in roles that aren’t the full juice and marrow in life.  I understand this firsthand, and often hesitate for years before trying anything new, and yet when I’m ready, and willing, I make another attempt.   Some new things work out, some don’t.  Each new adventure ususally shows me something I really like about myself, or something I don’t want, the more things I love about myself and keep and incorporate in my daily life, the more I hug myself, just as I am, and be ok.

It’s simple.  Discovery of what makes me wiggle, giggle, smile, sigh, and relax, insures a strength inside to better deal with the swings, the moods, the upsets, the sensitivities when them come.

*hugs self*

George





Wiggle Ziggle Thpppt

4 11 2009

Ahh, can you here it….

It’s siiiilly time.  Of all the strange phases I wander thru in being bipolar, I must admit I have a favorite.  Unabashed, un edited, SILLY MODE.  Watch out universe I’m Laughing today, at anything and everything.

?

uh oh, does this mean the u know what is going to…NOPE.

Yes there are times and places when silliness could posssssssibly construuuued as iiiinnaaa propriate.

but, more then we thinks so, if we give ourselves persmission, SILLINESS can cure mannny things.

There is just nothing like drifting out of deep sea time into thumbs in the ears fingers wagging, tounge sticking out and thhhpppts.  ok everyone, try it with me now , 1, 2, 3,  THppfttssslklklkjssstthppt.

Ah.  Now didn’t that feeel better.  What were you so posssibly serious about that it turned you smile upside down?

The best part about sucessfully walking through dark bipolar times, and crazy episodes in life, is after having survived the current onslaught we can create or throw at ourselves, the big scaries, may not be as big anymore.

This is big.  This is huge.  I used to have so many fears, about so many things.  Thanks to the benefits of bipolar, I actually got to experience many of my nightmares, first hand.

And guess what?  I survived, I learned, I tried again with a bigger vision/experience/plan, and

THRIVED, time and again.  If you were smart, you could probably listen to others, learn from their mistakes, and walk a smoother path.

but if you are an idiot like me(sometimes)(ok many times at times) then take heart.

No matter how much crap I’ve gotten into, with a positive attitude, and a heavy dose of absolute silliness at monsters I’ve conquered on previous engagements if they dare raise there ugly heads again,

I have overcome and thrived, and lived in new and bigger dreams, much better then I planned or thought possible.

Of course I still generate crap to deal with and areas of my life leave much room for improvement, but the basics, and a lot of fun, are abundant.

I am grateful to be bipolar, GOOOOfy, and very siiiilly today.

George

(the strange one riding his bike sticking his tongue out and flapping his wings again)





Patience

5 10 2009

We dream, we envision, we write, we act, and then I stumble, get ahead of myself spill the coffee, jump up get excited start five projects sit down and breathe.

You mean I don’t have to do it all today?

Nope.

You mean if something is new and exciting and scary I can take gentle steps towards completion?

Yep.

It’s ok to dance slowly with our dreams and visions.  If we get to know each step of the way carefully, and feeeeeel our way through it, our vision may be more enjoyable in the long run.

hmm.

but I just want to run run rush git r done——–********.

nope.

If I’m spinning around in 5 different circles feeling scared and excited, chances are I need to sit, breathe, calm down, focus on one thing at a time, and trust, what most needs to get done this moment will get done, and then we will move on to next.

but but but,

No George.  Breathe.  Feel the fear, feel the excitement, and gently do it one step at a time.

fine.

….breathing now….

g








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