Dyslexic Untie!

23 06 2016

dyslesicDyslexics not I am Untie! is their a Dog insomnia?

If you can decipher this message then we are a mind meld. I love shotgun wording, brian space sometimes just needs a flow. Cares if “english” grammar, etc are discarded. Yup. Free the brain. Communication is just an opportunity for souls to vibrate in proximity, exchanging info non verbal non physical.

I love just popping the cork and putting it out there especially when recovering from a long term deep dive, ahh. Yes, I know a high percentage of “normal” english speakers have now moved on which is good! I’ve never been a champion, worried about or communication king with the Chorus.

I’ve always been a fan of the people outside the circle who still have a sliver inside them to come back into light. It is my journey, it is the conscious bipolar journey, it is a journey we all take, some of us on a very large range/scale/extremes.

I heard recently at a new age retreat that we are finally realizing that everyone is crazy, I burst out laughing inside but kept a straight face on because they were laughing and saying this as if it was a newsflash and new concept.

Yeah! Us crazies are finally ahead of the pack. If life has given/born/created, who cares origin, insanity, dysfunction, or crazy, then we often know, from the beginning, life is crazy, we are all screwed up, it’s just that some of us are so raw, we can’t, don’t wish to, or have just completely ignored the normal train, and “normal” people are able to maintain a copying mechanism to cover cope with their neurosis in a non visual, or socially acceptable way, example, Bars, drinking, and everyday jerks, snobs or ___.

Welcome aboard or off the tracks to the “normal” people. I love it that the world is in chaos and a majority of the “normal” people in my life are losing their sh*t, ?.

no seriously what are you talking about George it’s horrible!

Really?

People are losing their sh*t. Sh*t being fertilizer, coping mechanism, separation, ignorance, avoidance.

My mom always said, “If you really want to get to know someone, take them on a crappy camping trip.”

It’s true, welcome to camping world.

Our convenient coping mechanisms are failing in masse. Our realness is showing, our connections, REAL, connections are growing, and we are finally, finally getting to see the people we thought we new, as more real.

I love this as a bipolar person, because the extremes in my life, have always shown me my insanity first hand, and opened my eyes to see what others have always hidden.

This, this my friends is the gift of being “crazy” outside the box or normality all or percentage of ones life.

Because here is the juice. Once I get past the b.s. with mutual coping mechanisms with someone, we get to decide whether we like each other, and if we do it’s awesome! Or if we don’t and have to deal with them anyway, then we get to grow, and sometimes, sometimes that leads to liking ourselves more, and sometimes even the other person.

This, is truly the gift of these “crazy”, opening, growing for all times.

peace
George,

ok how do I find my way off this soap box…

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Authority Issues

14 09 2015

…I’m a major control freak. guess where the two meet?…work

yup, summer manic cure all crazy season is over, snow is creeping down the mountains, it’s getting darker, and I hate my job.

In the past, I allowed my bipolar to run unchecked with this wa wa, and quit got fired or run far far away.

today; I chose to sit in my sh*t until I FEEL, what’s really going on.

I hate all bosses, supervisors, lead techs, older people, smarter people, arrogant people, etc ad nauseous.

yup, i’m a control freak. I used to judge myself about this until I realized it’s better to be a control freak, and micro manage my world inside and out to the best of my ability, then to act out.

I’m also not a full time control freak, and I don’t always hate my job and all people.

When I’m in the middle of a funk or tuning ramping up for a good old blow out, I still have choices and options. One of which is to stop, sit in my sh*t, write, read, breathe, walk, etc. And give it a little time, until the onion of me, cracks a new stinky layer.

This is how I heal over time.

Today- I can see that being a worker bee, I often need to be smarter then the task at hand and my bosses, but I have to be humble enough to not get fired. If I were to be a boss, I would have an excuse to let my ego run the show, and not have to be as smart.

so by staying in the ranks, being a worker bee, I get to be smart, and eat lots of humble pie.

I don’t like humble pie, because I have experienced so much humiliation and frustration with bipolar my entire life, internally and externally.

Yet today, I can see where being in a situation, where continually learning humility, is helping me to keep my ego/bipolar in check.

so today, (please don’t tell my boss or all other aforementioned people) I’m grateful for the opportunity learn humility so that I can continue to heal and let go of humiliation.





Hope Evolution

22 04 2015

I dedicate this blog, to those living in hopelessness. I’m praying happy tears for you today. When I began my journey of hope. Hope that myself and all of life was not horrible, out of control, and a useless miserable failure, my hope, was from a kernel of faith, that somehow still existed inside of me, in spite of it all. Some part of me lived, kept breathing, waking, moving. My faith came from books, because all people had proven themselves to be idiots and untrustworthy to me. They also locked me up, because of my mental behavior.

This journey of hope, began locked, in severe psychological pain, after years of faith and bust. Words, read, uncovered, hoped were real, began my journey back to life. Out of words came healthy habits. Writing my thoughts in journals, all of it. The good the bad the ugly. Over and over again. Journals clean out crap in my head, and reveal gems from time to time, if I’m patient and persistent.

Over time, my faith and hope, led me to opportunities, experiences, which led to real life, real time, face to face healing. Along the way I discovered and interacted with healthy humans, and let go of many humans stuck in behaviors that were destructive for me.

My happy tears today for people in hopelessness, is gratitude for the potential. If we can survive the hopelessness, If we can be graced with discovery and opportunity of new healing then we can evolve.

Happy tears today, are for the discovery of erosion of psychological control temporarily embedded by humans in positions of power living in their own unresolved fears into innocents. Time, healthy daily methods, new healthy information, observation and experimentation of good ideas, have continued to erode those negative unhealthy psychological destructive beliefs, behaviors, identity, and unconscious reactions to stress, given to me, and a little bit each day ejected, and eventually let go of completely.

I continue to say good bye, to other peoples fears, and hello to life is good, and getting even a little better, each day.





It’s A New Day!

20 04 2015

IMG_6271The sun has come up and it’s a new day. This is day three of slowly calming down from a six week functional manic which is why I had to write about it. Previously, I thought normal was the highest level of the bipolar game I would get too. The first time I was “normal” felt really strange I was physically mentally emotionally functioning and I was concerned trying to figure out what I had done wrong and yet when I finally figured out what was going on I was actually feeling normal.

Bipolar dis-order is when we are lost or trapped inside up/down cycles that don’t function or integrate very well with life. Bipolar Order has been a long and slow journey for me. In the beginning I had to figure out how to be safely suicidal, how to not harm myself or others and be safe, the mental institution is where I rather abruptly discovered the need for that. The next level for me was learning how to be functionally depressed, keeping myself moving thru daze and not letting myself get lower than just depressed. In some ways over time depression became easier than manic because I had less energy to deal with. After many life upsets I’ve had a tendency to return to depressive states and stay there as long as I could with food or distraction in order to hide.

It was after these two phases that I discovered one day I was feeling normal and I slowly began to figure out how to be comfortable feeling functional and how to increase the amount of time that I could feel “normal”. Feeling “normal” is less drama, more function, and less sensitivity to triggers.

I love feeling calm. Anyway, I pretty much thought there was nothing more to bipolar order than riding out the cycles and getting back to normal safely. Life had become about increasing the time in normal and enjoying as best, if I could, the other extremes when then occurred, until the last six weeks. The longer I live as a bipolar person the more I’ve come to realize how uncomfortable I am with manic because of a lack of control that I feel. Things move so fast inside and out and I’m not as nice of a person, I’m fairly oblivious to other peoples feelings sometimes I can be extremely sensitive and interactive and can be of good service but not always. Usually most of the time when I’m manic its been an uncomfortable ride for me I couldn’t wait until I was feeling normal or depressed again.

So anyway this is day three of calming down from a six week very manic, highly functional period of time. About two weeks into it I was again trying to figure out what the heck I did wrong, why was I so high and then it dawned on me maybe I’m learning a higher level of functioning with bipolar. Yes my house got messy, but I was still doing basic basic sanitation, I was still managing finances, I was still completing the tasks I needed to at work, and I didn’t have any major mental and emotional social relational blowouts like I usually do when I’m that manic for that long. I’ll admit, it was getting scary and anxious at times, which were also intense, but brief. It felt like all I had was a slight influence over steerage and my foot jammed on the gas pedal. I definitely don’t have it figured out or integrated but I wanted to share with you the possibility that maybe we can, over time, become even more functional in manic phases, not just the lower realms, anyway the sun is up its a New Day.





Leaf Sway

1 02 2015

il_340x270.461955452_8xysLush white birch outside my dorm, crickly dried up maple in New England, continually green southern clime green leaf flow. I love leaves in gentle wind sway. They bend twirl flow and eventually let go, different kinds and cycles everywhere I go. Bipolar is cycles within cycles. Bipolar functionality is awareness, what cycle when where how prep, renew. We know we will be up and down. We know we will react, planned or not, yet how? How do we intercept our insanity long enough to choose the lesser paths of destruction, and the gentler path of letting go and renewal? Do we even have/want a choice, yet?

Leaves sway and say listen, gentle listen, for the cycles. We grow off flexible twigs, we bring nourishment, we dance in the breeze, and flow away, to nourish the earth, wherever we land.

Leaves, leaves of all kinds, interesting green bushes, or background for intricate delicate flowers no matter, leaves are an element of attention, indoors or out, whispering gentle reminders of flows, cycles, renewals…

Sway on





A Course In Miracles

3 01 2015

It’s time to admit my latest sneaky technique of wiggling past my obstructive ego. I’m cheating and benefiting from it. In order to figure out how to complete the other parts IMG_5898of my audio book I decided to purchase and listen to a few of them. I got a copy of A Course In Miracles, which I have tried and failed for 20 years to read and complete, and yet so many teachers and books are based on it or use it as a core. Anyway, it was too sleepy for me to drive with so I put it on to listen to it at night when I have(correction/had) insomnia. Here is the sneaky part, ever since I play it when I’m ready to go sleep, I drift off a lot quicker, and when I do wake up, I listen as long as I can before I’m out again. I’ve been getting 7 to 8 hours of sleep a night for about a month now. I’m not sure what the rest of the course is about, but that’s a big miracle for me.

Here is the double sneaky part. It’s having an affect on my waking hours as well. Out of curiosity of what I was downloading to my subconscious every night I went ahead and got an electronic copy of the book to read as well as redownloading an ap I tried years ago with the daily lessons.

AND, I’m kinda sorta doing them, yes I know it’s all wrong and breaking the rules of the course, but yet and, I’m feeling progress.

I’m questioning my angers and judgments. Rethinking my misperceptions, and contemplating more in depth questions than I have in a long time, and appreciating this process very much.

And even though my ego continues to freak out judge, etc, I’m gently moving forward anyway, I figure who cares if I do it right or get it right, whatever that is. What if I gently skim thru, pick up what benefits I can, and then cycle thru again. It’s what I’ve done with all of my favorite metaphysical texts over the years.

Today I read about shame and judgement. Wow, that was a shot between the third eye. Big tears, moment of growth, yet grateful. What I actually read, or maybe even heard last night was about guilt and responsibility, how they are connected. By chance I read ;Alan Cohens, “A Deep Breathe of Life “ April 19th. He always explains it with language and metaphors I can understand and begin applying in my day.

Tis the season for spiritual growth in the dark, wether we run to or from it.
Happy New Year
George





Living Out of Darkness

11 12 2014

Every time I go screaming into the dark night away from bipolar, ritualistically burn another copy of my book, and avoid any blogging. Something strange always happens, last night I came home and of all the thousands of tracks coming out of my speakers, was the current draft of my book audio, I was

IMG_5621 dumbfounded. It was an old phone which I thought I had deleted the audio draft out of disgust and yet I found myself sitting down quietly listening.(Damn this guy is good and he’s talking about bipolar) (maybe i should try some of this shit)Here’s the deal about bipolar, it sucks I love it, and good grief trying to explain it to anyone who doesn’t experience it. So today I logged on to Twitter and searched bipolar and it’s amazing how many people are out there just like me dealing with this mental opportunity and I’m grateful that no matter how alone and crazy I feel at times, I am always grateful when I take the time to reach out and discover others dealing with this experience however we’re currently choosing to deal with it. The bottom line for me is yeah bipolar can be dangerous for myself and others but there’s also a lot of us out here working really hard to create healthy awareness and DIY organic mental health breadcrumbs. If your struggling with your mental gifts today, like I am, you are not alone. When we get thru this moment, I’ll bet we are going to create a little bit of healthy chaos and laughter.

Go Team!
George

 








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