Two Cups

9 05 2015

two coffee cups

Sometimes it takes two cups of coffee to crank the brain in the morning, ok I’ll admit it, two cups with 1/2 1/2, that is. ? Ok FINE, I confess the eating method I’ve very successfully been on for about a year limits my carbs to 1 hr a day, and cream in my coffee is limited to only 1 a day which sucks when I need 2 and is cool when I want to break the rules which is often, and yet I’m still gradually letting go of poundage, thank God. But this rambling nonsense is not what I wanted to blog about.

I’m putting it off because I’m scared. Shitless that is. I haven’t felt like writing so I’ve been reading other bipolar blogs. Here is a BIG thank you to ALL bipolar blog writers. I have one comment for all, I RESEMBLE THIS!

Ok fine, said that. Bipolar and Relationships. That’s what I’m scared shitless to write about. It’s what I purposely avoided in my book.

Thank God for other bipolar writers, because, wow, I’m alone in life, but not in community with other bloggers about the topic.

Bipolar. Maybe I should start there. The more I read about other bipolars, the more it affirms basic truths. It matters not, what path, ethnicity, gender, preference, lifestyle, economics, age etc. Bipolar is what it is. It doesn’t seem to matter if we choose medication, organic, or hybrid methods of treatment. Bipolar is a very active roller coaster ride, yes it can be smooth and boring occasionally, but we never seem to know when a normal mood is gonna go sideways fast and hold on to see where we end up.

Relationships. Honestly. I gave up years ago. A)I seem to be attracted to members of the opposite sex who end up taking advantage of me. B) I am a high maintenance freak show at times. C)I lose myself completely, and who wants to live with a subservient ghost? D) When I’m triggered off my rocker bat shit up or down crazy, 99 people out of 100 only make it worse. The one cure all I can rely on, is copious amounts of time, me, alone, nature. Preferably with access to sweating and creating. Period. That is my reset cure.

It doesn’t help that I do shift work. I’ve found remote industrial work, is a good routine for me, I’m gone for a couple weeks, and then I”m off. No matter how screwed up I get at home or work, the other is a sure fire routine for coming back on track.

So living my life alone with bipolar, sans medication, I’m quite successful. I have long term employment in a job I’ m highly suited for, I self -regulate my bipolar, and have many hobbies.

Now I feel like an embarrassed idiot, but I want truth to be shared. Yes I am living a bipolar life without meds, drugs, or alcohol. But I’m still batshit crazy at times, and just don’t seem to have relationships any where on the priority list. Every time I get involved, it ends in disaster. I concluded long ago, I am the common denominator, and yes I have dedicated decades, and thousands of dollars to therapy, workshops, ad nauseam etc.

Which leads me to the one relationship I have always relied upon. I’m not a member of any religion. But there is something unseen greater then me, I have always been able to access when I’m truly sincere, open and humble, which gives me peace, comfort, connection, and releases all fears and worries. When I truly open and ask the universe for help, I have always received whatever I truly needed in the moment. This is the connection I’ve rededicated my life to again and again, and this is what I feel like my life purpose is, to be connected, and to be available to help others who are temporarily lost, to feel connected again. This is the deepest peace I’ve discovered in my bipolar journey, I may not be connected in a traditional socially acceptable societal means with other humans, but I have plenty of time to reconnect as needed inside, with what appears to be, everything.

two coffee cups

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Bobble Heads

25 04 2015

I got a new thing, I’m turning previous psychological control freaks who I’ve rented rooms for in my head into bobble heads. I wasn’t planning on this, it just sort of happened one day so I thought i would share it.
The more I slip into healthy high bipolar order, the more erosion occurs in original false info injected into my developmental psyche. Yes, I have a pretty erratic at times organic bipolar rhythm, yes I’m weird and goofy, talkative /silent, etc., the usual bipolar fair, and, continuing to discover and release, other people’s crap, injected into my head at impressionable ages, is incredibly healing.

Years ago I heard a television interview with a Hollywood star at the time who had survived early childhood trauma drama as well. Her enlightened reframe was that is was good, because early trauma survived and eventually integrated and healed can be a foundation for thriving. I’m finding this to be true. I’ve chugged along like a freight train for years, healthy daily routines, and habits to the best of my ability which is always fluctuating and doesn’t appear to be much at times, and been grateful for whatever peaceful moments, interactions, I can experience or share. So when I experience really good times like I am now, it’s like being on acid. I’m in high speed, yet somehow still functioning, and the learning curve is doubling down on healthy habits and figuring out healthy discharge for good energy. I visualize copious amounts of healing energy into the atmosphere available to whoever is willing to receive, and I feel calmer.

Off topic, anyway. I never expected to be able to see the other side of major perpetrators in my life. I always thought they would live in my head as monsters, and continue to have negative affects on my choices, reactions to stress, etc. Yet, as I experience their end game decisions, diminishing influence on other peoples lives, I’m feeling a release. May good bless them for the humans that they were, and my good bless them wherever they end up next. Thank God, I’m finally feeling forgiveness in my heart for them, and feeling the erosion of their psychic influence over me. Bobble heads yep, in my cartoon minds eye, they are now bobble heads in high chairs, adult heads filled with childish misinformed fears, in baby bodies, being fed and taken care of as they finish out their days.

May we all live thrive long enough to witness the cycle of life, erode previous monsters into bobble-heads.





Hope Evolution

22 04 2015

I dedicate this blog, to those living in hopelessness. I’m praying happy tears for you today. When I began my journey of hope. Hope that myself and all of life was not horrible, out of control, and a useless miserable failure, my hope, was from a kernel of faith, that somehow still existed inside of me, in spite of it all. Some part of me lived, kept breathing, waking, moving. My faith came from books, because all people had proven themselves to be idiots and untrustworthy to me. They also locked me up, because of my mental behavior.

This journey of hope, began locked, in severe psychological pain, after years of faith and bust. Words, read, uncovered, hoped were real, began my journey back to life. Out of words came healthy habits. Writing my thoughts in journals, all of it. The good the bad the ugly. Over and over again. Journals clean out crap in my head, and reveal gems from time to time, if I’m patient and persistent.

Over time, my faith and hope, led me to opportunities, experiences, which led to real life, real time, face to face healing. Along the way I discovered and interacted with healthy humans, and let go of many humans stuck in behaviors that were destructive for me.

My happy tears today for people in hopelessness, is gratitude for the potential. If we can survive the hopelessness, If we can be graced with discovery and opportunity of new healing then we can evolve.

Happy tears today, are for the discovery of erosion of psychological control temporarily embedded by humans in positions of power living in their own unresolved fears into innocents. Time, healthy daily methods, new healthy information, observation and experimentation of good ideas, have continued to erode those negative unhealthy psychological destructive beliefs, behaviors, identity, and unconscious reactions to stress, given to me, and a little bit each day ejected, and eventually let go of completely.

I continue to say good bye, to other peoples fears, and hello to life is good, and getting even a little better, each day.





It’s A New Day!

20 04 2015

IMG_6271The sun has come up and it’s a new day. This is day three of slowly calming down from a six week functional manic which is why I had to write about it. Previously, I thought normal was the highest level of the bipolar game I would get too. The first time I was “normal” felt really strange I was physically mentally emotionally functioning and I was concerned trying to figure out what I had done wrong and yet when I finally figured out what was going on I was actually feeling normal.

Bipolar dis-order is when we are lost or trapped inside up/down cycles that don’t function or integrate very well with life. Bipolar Order has been a long and slow journey for me. In the beginning I had to figure out how to be safely suicidal, how to not harm myself or others and be safe, the mental institution is where I rather abruptly discovered the need for that. The next level for me was learning how to be functionally depressed, keeping myself moving thru daze and not letting myself get lower than just depressed. In some ways over time depression became easier than manic because I had less energy to deal with. After many life upsets I’ve had a tendency to return to depressive states and stay there as long as I could with food or distraction in order to hide.

It was after these two phases that I discovered one day I was feeling normal and I slowly began to figure out how to be comfortable feeling functional and how to increase the amount of time that I could feel “normal”. Feeling “normal” is less drama, more function, and less sensitivity to triggers.

I love feeling calm. Anyway, I pretty much thought there was nothing more to bipolar order than riding out the cycles and getting back to normal safely. Life had become about increasing the time in normal and enjoying as best, if I could, the other extremes when then occurred, until the last six weeks. The longer I live as a bipolar person the more I’ve come to realize how uncomfortable I am with manic because of a lack of control that I feel. Things move so fast inside and out and I’m not as nice of a person, I’m fairly oblivious to other peoples feelings sometimes I can be extremely sensitive and interactive and can be of good service but not always. Usually most of the time when I’m manic its been an uncomfortable ride for me I couldn’t wait until I was feeling normal or depressed again.

So anyway this is day three of calming down from a six week very manic, highly functional period of time. About two weeks into it I was again trying to figure out what the heck I did wrong, why was I so high and then it dawned on me maybe I’m learning a higher level of functioning with bipolar. Yes my house got messy, but I was still doing basic basic sanitation, I was still managing finances, I was still completing the tasks I needed to at work, and I didn’t have any major mental and emotional social relational blowouts like I usually do when I’m that manic for that long. I’ll admit, it was getting scary and anxious at times, which were also intense, but brief. It felt like all I had was a slight influence over steerage and my foot jammed on the gas pedal. I definitely don’t have it figured out or integrated but I wanted to share with you the possibility that maybe we can, over time, become even more functional in manic phases, not just the lower realms, anyway the sun is up its a New Day.





Leaf Sway

1 02 2015

il_340x270.461955452_8xysLush white birch outside my dorm, crickly dried up maple in New England, continually green southern clime green leaf flow. I love leaves in gentle wind sway. They bend twirl flow and eventually let go, different kinds and cycles everywhere I go. Bipolar is cycles within cycles. Bipolar functionality is awareness, what cycle when where how prep, renew. We know we will be up and down. We know we will react, planned or not, yet how? How do we intercept our insanity long enough to choose the lesser paths of destruction, and the gentler path of letting go and renewal? Do we even have/want a choice, yet?

Leaves sway and say listen, gentle listen, for the cycles. We grow off flexible twigs, we bring nourishment, we dance in the breeze, and flow away, to nourish the earth, wherever we land.

Leaves, leaves of all kinds, interesting green bushes, or background for intricate delicate flowers no matter, leaves are an element of attention, indoors or out, whispering gentle reminders of flows, cycles, renewals…

Sway on





Millennial Affect

14 12 2014

IMG_5739I declare a new dawn for mental health and I have become a fan of the millennial generation. I wholeheartedly cheer and admire them for many reasons:

On a personal level when I began my organic mental health journey, such words were never combined. The medical professionals at the time, authoritatively said medications or else, I have since organically lived out and or thru most if not all of their dire predictions.

I’m now a little past the middle of the pack in the workforce. Established, nothing to prove, enjoying my job etc. I’ve been given the opportunity to begin mentoring millennial’s in the workplace and I got to say it’s a real joy! When I entered the workplace, after adopting many strange ideas of spirituality, it was a typical older generation judgmental non-supportive etc.

After first hand experience witnessing how a majority of the millennial’s are as individuals; how they interact with each other, their level of integrity, I’ve got to say it’s impressive.

Another level I see is, Great Hope, for people experiencing mental health opportunities because one of the first phrases I paid attention to from millennials was when I began hearing, no judgment, wow! and it’s true.

In the midst of a crazy day, who knows what was going on inside or outside of me I’m coping with details the best I can at times, and I’m pretty hardened to the fact that the world I come from, the culture that I grew up in, and have lived a majority of my adult life, judgment was standard. I knew I was crazy outside of the box etc. yet I still was bound and determined to function, however I could, regardless of how crazy I looked and felt, because I was going to make my way in this world organically no matter what.

Hiding my “crazy”, and spiritual solutions to crazy, has been a primary society survival method. Here come the millennials, I don’t feel judgment, I don’t feel a lot of drama, I feel calmer in their presence, then I’ve ever felt with the generation that trained me. What a relief!

It’s funny, I’ve been immersed in spiritual new age culture for 25+ years, and yet my experience with coworkers under 35, and this is why i’m such a huge fan of them, I learn spirituality from them every shift, in an industrial workplace .

When I began in the workplace, a spiritual approach to mental health and coworkers, YEAH RIGHT. Yet, I adapted, learned, and became good friends, and as my mentors retire, I am relieved to know that I’ll be working with millennials, and can’t wait to see what their kids are like, until I retire.

I’m excited and relieved from my position in our evolving culture, we really are getting better at dealing with mental health, I can really see a day where we will get to bipolar order, bipolar awareness, bipolar celebration, I am extremely grateful for this and I am a millennial fan.

Thank God for all the younger spiritual gurus in our lives, we need them!





Living Out of Darkness

11 12 2014

Every time I go screaming into the dark night away from bipolar, ritualistically burn another copy of my book, and avoid any blogging. Something strange always happens, last night I came home and of all the thousands of tracks coming out of my speakers, was the current draft of my book audio, I was

IMG_5621 dumbfounded. It was an old phone which I thought I had deleted the audio draft out of disgust and yet I found myself sitting down quietly listening.(Damn this guy is good and he’s talking about bipolar) (maybe i should try some of this shit)Here’s the deal about bipolar, it sucks I love it, and good grief trying to explain it to anyone who doesn’t experience it. So today I logged on to Twitter and searched bipolar and it’s amazing how many people are out there just like me dealing with this mental opportunity and I’m grateful that no matter how alone and crazy I feel at times, I am always grateful when I take the time to reach out and discover others dealing with this experience however we’re currently choosing to deal with it. The bottom line for me is yeah bipolar can be dangerous for myself and others but there’s also a lot of us out here working really hard to create healthy awareness and DIY organic mental health breadcrumbs. If your struggling with your mental gifts today, like I am, you are not alone. When we get thru this moment, I’ll bet we are going to create a little bit of healthy chaos and laughter.

Go Team!
George

 








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