Pay Attention

4 01 2015

IMG_5901These two words used to scare me as a child, I would often lose interest in the current drama of the moment, or be internally fascinated by new ideas, different points of view, usually contrary to a majority of people making decisions. I would often drift, when I had enough, or just needed a pause button.

Pay Attention, used to be a siren call/judgement handed down when I wasn’t being present to someone else’s 24/7 crisis.

I”m good at drama, really good, just wind me up and watch me go, but honestly, I prefer sipping details i’m usually unaware of;
dry leaves, skin moisture, shifting light in familiar landscapes, knowing the current temperature range from the sound of bug buzzes in the tropics or tone of squeak from boots on really cold snow in the arctic.

Bigger than that, if I allow attention to drift into these less headline areas it usually coincides with insights, which lead to healing, which leads to less generated drama.
When I’m in drama, it’s all about the drama, and paying attention to minutia is the least likely action, yet the drip off a leaf, focussing intensely for a moment on any organic item or picture, can sometimes/often, shift into big picture drift. It’s the magic of attention. Do I choose impending drama doom or fascination and openings today?





Millennial Affect

14 12 2014

IMG_5739I declare a new dawn for mental health and I have become a fan of the millennial generation. I wholeheartedly cheer and admire them for many reasons:

On a personal level when I began my organic mental health journey, such words were never combined. The medical professionals at the time, authoritatively said medications or else, I have since organically lived out and or thru most if not all of their dire predictions.

I’m now a little past the middle of the pack in the workforce. Established, nothing to prove, enjoying my job etc. I’ve been given the opportunity to begin mentoring millennial’s in the workplace and I got to say it’s a real joy! When I entered the workplace, after adopting many strange ideas of spirituality, it was a typical older generation judgmental non-supportive etc.

After first hand experience witnessing how a majority of the millennial’s are as individuals; how they interact with each other, their level of integrity, I’ve got to say it’s impressive.

Another level I see is, Great Hope, for people experiencing mental health opportunities because one of the first phrases I paid attention to from millennials was when I began hearing, no judgment, wow! and it’s true.

In the midst of a crazy day, who knows what was going on inside or outside of me I’m coping with details the best I can at times, and I’m pretty hardened to the fact that the world I come from, the culture that I grew up in, and have lived a majority of my adult life, judgment was standard. I knew I was crazy outside of the box etc. yet I still was bound and determined to function, however I could, regardless of how crazy I looked and felt, because I was going to make my way in this world organically no matter what.

Hiding my “crazy”, and spiritual solutions to crazy, has been a primary society survival method. Here come the millennials, I don’t feel judgment, I don’t feel a lot of drama, I feel calmer in their presence, then I’ve ever felt with the generation that trained me. What a relief!

It’s funny, I’ve been immersed in spiritual new age culture for 25+ years, and yet my experience with coworkers under 35, and this is why i’m such a huge fan of them, I learn spirituality from them every shift, in an industrial workplace .

When I began in the workplace, a spiritual approach to mental health and coworkers, YEAH RIGHT. Yet, I adapted, learned, and became good friends, and as my mentors retire, I am relieved to know that I’ll be working with millennials, and can’t wait to see what their kids are like, until I retire.

I’m excited and relieved from my position in our evolving culture, we really are getting better at dealing with mental health, I can really see a day where we will get to bipolar order, bipolar awareness, bipolar celebration, I am extremely grateful for this and I am a millennial fan.

Thank God for all the younger spiritual gurus in our lives, we need them!





Doodle Therapy

27 10 2013

ADDZakFuzzy morning

/ coffee / plans

/ linear thinking?, Not

art table /

ahh.

 

ADD  Prozak





What if?

16 11 2010

I felt a chunk of my inner iceberg melt the other day.

What if I’m actually a peaceful still person and always have been?

What if people really have seen the inner me reflect through my inner darkness?

What if the extreme swings inside me are just a defensive mental reaction to compensate for the illusion of scarcity?

What if my bursts of anger are actually a surge of injustice when my outer world has not reflected my inner world of peace and stillness?

What if my last two years of sitting in stillness whenever possible has actually rebooted the being that I am?

What if I at last I can be the me that I am?

What if it is possible to relax into what I naturally am, a person obsessed with stillness, allowing the threads of peace to weave thru me, seeping into the ahh of inner soul connection expression?

What if I am the person I always immerge from my caves as, a positive minded happy soul?

What if all the crap I’ve created in my life, is just a reflection of the illusion of scarcity and chaos I’ve let myself collapse into in times of overwhelm?

What if I allow myself to continue this path of stillness and joy?

What if I could receive from this place of inner being, what if I could be rewarded for dwelling here, hearing the threads of peace re weave as needed?  What if I were truly able to let go of those I allow to trigger me, or I allow to suck the light out of me, or allow to be chaos long enough that I believe in their current illusion and make it my own?

What if I’m actually a functional being of stillness, light and joy, as naturally as breathing?

What if I’ve always been this way?

What if life truly is this easy?

What if this journey to my stillness, is the strength I desire to be stillness?

What if my distractions from inner peace have actually been this huge map of life and all the dressed up versions of illusions have led me back to the place I chose first as a child?

What if my intimate familiarity with all the illusion rides of scarcity in life have led me to be an inner peace guide?

What if bipolar is a very inclusive ride, to learn about ADD, PTSD, Depression, mania, etc etc etc, so that I could teach stillness from the inside out for the rest of my life in the ease of being me?

What if this huge illusion of bipolar disorder, manic depression, is just a childhood brain adjustment for dealing with vision and empathy of better times, created by an active imagination?

What if all the ways out of my inner hell, are all the ways I can teach anyone interested in their ease, with any size of bump or vision, become again who they really already are?

What if?

George





Seed Speed

8 11 2010

Lately I’ve been giving myself a lot of shit lately about my speed.  If I’m so blah blah blah, than why am I not XYZ.  Breathe, George, breathe.  Ahh, better, I’ve been having one of those mornings.

So that’s nice George what have you been being about it and why are you sharing this?

Because by allowing myself to be in the dark side of my moon mind, and allowing myself to be authentically growling while growing through the motions of being “spiritual”, drinking coffee(I consider 100% Kona coffee consumption a sacred time honored ritual), writing in journal all the crap floating in my head(ok so maybe falling asleep having the current drama tv show staring at me is not “spiritual”), and reading this new awesome book in my life, Spiritual Currency, by Fred Chui, breathe(apologies for run on mind flow sentences)(I’m getting to the point here).  Because of the dark side of my moon this morning, I’m arriving at an okness about me.  This is my gift to myself for allowing my current “real self” and “spiritual self” attempt to communicate with each other this AM.

After further spiritual study and the usual OMG I’ve done it all wrong self-judgment phase filtered thru I was able to soothe myself from my “spiritual” studies by playing guitar for awhile (probably the most spiritual thing I’ve done today).

I was still physically anxious and active so I tripped over my dumbbells and since I was feeling like one I decided to lift them for awhile, and then I got distracted by a mess on my paperwork table and saw an image of a treasure map idea to put on my treasure map wall(I’ve given up on small pieces of cardboard artistically arranged pieces of art) I just see image; copy, cut or rip, staple, WHAM, wall.  ADD?, yes.

Wall.

Hmm.

I’m using a wall, large wall, one of many, to create a treasure map.  (Basic prosperity exercise, collect images you desire or uplift you of activities, things, and or experiences you would like to manifest, and create a collage to look at and help you create what you want next in your life.)

Let’s back track here.

15 years ago I was using the dashboard of my residency for a treasure map/altar of my “studio” while going through the Artist Way with Julie Cameron.  It was a 1983 used dodge colt hatchback (very small compact car).

Now I’m using a wall.

It would appear the inside of my seed.(living space representing inside of my head), is bigger.

If following the prosperity principles while living in a tiny car, have lead to living in a huge space, than maybe this stuff is real.

Maybe I’m not in the ideal soul flow I want to be in, but thank God I’m not satisfied yet, and I’m striving for more.  Maybe my seed is not speeding along and accomplishing like I think I should, maybe my life is happening exactly as it needs to.

Even if I haven’t manifested the “perfect” income source, at least I’ve manifested income.  Maybe I haven’t learned bipolar financial management, but at least I’m still willing to be in the game.  (I still get to be my own attendant/patient/manager of my own asylum/home/life)

Maybe life is not about the speed of my seed, maybe life is about laughing at my ridiculousness, and enjoying what is, with a delicious cup of Kona.

Thank you universe for the current lessons I’m obsessing about, and the physical comfort and lifestyle I get to dance it with.

Life,

George

 





An Unscattered Life

13 02 2010

“Kissing is good.  Driving is good.  Both are even better when you do them one at a time.”  from Alan Cohen’s new book A Daily Dose of Sanity February 13th.

Never a room I once left which a tornado couldn’t have organized better.  Chaos was my modus of operendi…until I got fed up with and had enough of anxiety in my life.

In Alan’s writing today he talks about a life of integrity, living in tune with where our heart, minds, and souls actually are.  One thing at a time.  I couldn’t agree more.  One of the many gifts with my unique mind I’ve gotten the pleasure of unsorting, is horrendous paralyzing anxiety attacks.  I was so focussed on learning the bipolar opportunity in my life, I just coped with the anxiety as best I could, my desire to provide my own room and board was always greater then shutting down completely, and when I did shut down, by the grace of God I was able to “come back online” in time to do the next necessary thing to keep my job or whatever I was focussed on in the moment.  After years of learning the bipolar dance, become stable in a highly paid professional job, and once again being in a relationship, my anxiety surfaced as the next big thing to tackle in my life.  The woman that I was with at the time, was the antithesis of my disorganization.  She also had very little tolerance for chaos.  A definitive case of opposites.  Being the open minded adventurer that I am, I decided to play with it a bit and see what I could come up with.  Fortunately for me my workload doubled, and then tripled, in such a manner that it was physically impossible for my people pleasing/do the right thing/take care of everything mode /was impossible.  I no longer had moments to unsort my mental self much less the physical chaos I generated around me.

Finally a circuit blew in my brain and I just sat down, turned off my computer, put a sticky note on the message light of my phone, and decided I would only work on one task at a time to completion, and completely ignore everyone, and everything else.  I no longer cared if I kept the job, or got it all done, I was only interested in my own sanity at that point.  I constantly stopped, refocussed on the one thing, and took the next step.  There were many unhappy people and a couple of times my boss got in my face.  I simply stopped what I was doing, looked him in the eye, and asked him if there was any greater priority than what I was currently working on.  I would either refocus on his bigger priority to completion, or continue on with the task at hand.  Even though I walked around in complete chaos around me, my inner life and mind was slowing down.  I checked emails and phone messages once a day, and spent the rest of my day with my hands, completing the next priority.  Slowly, through being affected by the organization and cleanliness at home with the woman I was living with, and the focus at work, I started to go through the other areas of my life.

Five years later, the energy continues.  The miracle I’ve noticed as I’ve slowed down and focussed, is I am also able to slow down and focus with people.  And this has been the unexpected gold from anxiety. The workload dropped away, and the ability to be “in to me see” with people has remained.  In fact, I’m physically still at my job, but my heart, soul, and mind has awakened to the people that I am with, and the people that I meet.  Honestly, it’s a much bigger spiritual dividend I receive by being able to be with whoever is in front of me.  As I have allowed this way of living to expand, I enjoy going to spiritual retreats and workshops for the ease of being with like minded conscious people, I also like dancing with complete strangers and long time coworkers because there is absolutely nothing that beats being focussed and present with someone regardless of the circumstances.  I’ve discovered this as my true passion.  To actually be, with whoever I am with, wherever I am.

Breathing,

George





Focus

16 11 2009

Fast.

Bipolar fast, can be fun, if I’m prepared. I knew I would be walking into a fast day today, so I took a moment to be prepared.  Many fun and exciting things are happening as well as regular obligations I need to take care of.  I don’t really have a lot of time for idleness(one of my favorite past times).  What I’ve noticed is that it is easy for manic to kick in, ramp up the volume in my head and go way faster then is necessary.  I can also work fast, turn on idle chatter or narration, or connect with everyone, or comment on everything, or make jokes,  while I work.  Today, these are not helpful.

The biggest tool I use today, is focus.  What is happening right here, right now, what is the biggest priority.  Not 1 hr or 1 day from now, not what happened five minutes ago.  What is happening right here, right now, what is the current priority.

If I don’t know, I pause, breathe, think if I am thinking clearly, or write if I’m not.  Regain my focus and then launch again.

I also went to bed early, got up an hour earlier, and was sure to put on happy dance music straight up to get my mind in a fun flow.  I didn’t even give it a chance to think about the dramas and tribulations that occurred yesterday from travel.  I just got up, danced, and jumped into my day.

Now let’s back up; before I was willing able and aware of nurturing, taking care of and allowing my bipolar, I would have had a major blow out by now, been in full dark victim mode, possibly paralyzed in anxiety darkness or negativity overwhelmed in my chair, phone ringing, people trying to get a hold of me bigger mess building up, etc.

By purging yesterday, as best I could last night, and waking up gently today, observing my thoughts and injecting positive affirmations before my eyes even opened, I already had a head start.

The difference between dark victim mode, and ok let’s dance with this day mode, are actually fairly simple.  It’s more of a choice actually.  Yesterday in the middle of travel drama I was down a bit.  I picked up my positive daily reader, read a passage, and thought about it for 15 minutes before a flight, instead of allowing the negative spiral take me down.

Today I am grateful for being bipolar, because I was down, so hard, so long, for so many years, that because I am intimately  familiar with negative darkness in my mind, I’m much more able to quickly identify, and counteract the pattern, before it becomes disruptive.

Is being bipolar intense?  Yes.  At times.  It’s also a lot of fun to  have so many options and ways of tackling problems situations and opportunities.  Today, because of learning to be functional and having an awesome highly technical challenging job which can take me in many directions at once, I know, if I stay positive and functional, I’ll dance through just fine, and probably be able to accomplish a lot more, then if I wasn’t blessed with bipolar.

gotta go, big quick hug, peace,

George





NOW, or later

8 11 2009

Impulsive get r done, or pause, prepare, act with assurance.

Gentleness with one’s soul, allowing the simmer to distill the essence of one’s next move.

Let life ripen and then fall, will is not the way at all.

Rush rush get it done move on.

I like gentle now.  I used to be so impatient to get it done get on to the next thing or bored in need of excitement or afraid if I didn’t now then never.

I also used to be extremely anxious a majority of the time and not even know what anxious was.

I used to be an ongoing ball of chaos.  Nerry a room I left twitch wasn’t a bigger mess then whence I entered.

Breathing, slowing doing, tackling chaos, one aspect of my life at a time, has led to a deeper and deeper stillness, I am hugely grateful for.

A friend of mine and I were discussing dating.  AAAAAGH shut up George, you know how I hate talking about this! (yes but George we are committed to sharing this bipolar experience, and relationships and dating is all part of it right, RIGHT George?)shheeeeeesh, mumbles George.

Playing devil’s advocate my friend then said, why don’t you just go on a bunch of dates and see what happens.

Immediately I thought wow that sounds exciting and scary.  Which at times is a good indicator of something I ought to consider.

But then a gentler guiet more peaceful still voice spoke up and said.  I’d rather be as prepared and lined up as I can be first.  There is some personal business I would like to take care of first.

He laughed, you have no idea what’s going to happen you can’t prepare away life.

I said,Well, you are right, and I have sucessfully jumped in blind to a lot of situations in life, and had mixed results.  I’ve also slowed down a lot, sorted out everything I can first, and then glided into situations with less chaos energy inside.

I went on, and my theory is, if I have less chaos running around inside me, then maybe I’ll attract someone with less chaos in them, and I’ll be better able to enjoy the results.

My body at that point voted by releasing a big sigh, and took a deep breath. This is an indicator of truth for me.  When my body automatically relaxes, I know, I’ve discovered a truth.

With so much chaos availible from rhythms and dealing with subsequent chaos in life with bipolar,  I like to give myself a chance now, to be as prepared and calm, before I start a project, rather then jumping in both feet the split second I think of it or someone suggests or dares me.

The gentler path may not be as enticing sometimes, and quiet stillness can stir up internal uncomfortableness, yet I find the solitude that does occur between the bouts of not liking me, refreshing.

Breathing deeply and gratefully today,

George





Surf Sessions

18 09 2009

It’s a new day, a new place, and an awesome cup a coffee.

A good friend of mine pointed out the other day that maybe I was cravin a bit of Adventure.

The first day I timidly took my moody self on a slightly adventurous road trip and discovered several awesome really cool new places near my house and some very peaceful places to pull over be mellow and enjoy nature.

I woke up again yesterday and realized I’ve got something going on deep inside me that hasn’t risen to the surface yet.  I pay attention to these bubbles because I know from experience if I avoid them, then a deep dark trigger, runaway high is just around the corner, not a natural visionary high but a run run escape be high avoid growth type which can turn very negative.

When I deal with these rumblings inside me, I need to sit and listen.  Sometimes being in my quiet safe house is healthy and I work through it.  Sometimes it becomes isolation and avoidance as well.

This time I chose the road trip cure.  Since my income is not attached to a local, I can work anywhere with wi fi, I loaded up and went for a cruise to a state park I haven’t visit yet.

Letting myself enjoy the day of new sights smells and vistas is usually always a good way for me to gently probe on the back burners of my mind.

In the midst of processing the current what ever it is that’s showing up, I’m having an awesome day.

A new beach, new smells, interesting people, a great little coffee shop, and nothing like fresh Atlantic sea air.

Every now and then a deep spontaneous sigh has come through me, and my body relaxes just a little more, and I can tell my mind is slowing and being a little ok for a moment as well.  Is it easy? Not really, would I rather take a pill and fix it? Not really.

My intuition tells me it is accumulated stress from making so many leaps with my dreams, not having everything figured out, and just flat out going for it and saying yes.  I have many gambles in the air right now.  I’m reaching out more then I ever have to offer who and what I am as a source of good.

So I also hear the gentle voice inside me say, it’s ok to sit.  It’s ok to meditate, it’s ok to ask spirit to help.

It’s also ok to be nervous excited and happy to be see experience long term go-alls come to fruition.

Balance.  Time to sit, time to wag my tail, time to let go let spirit.

Being in a dream, with my toes in the surf;

George





Wag Wag

11 09 2009

Bipolar and traveling can be FUUUN!  With an active healthy flowing internal bipolar experience, traveling is a blast.  I’m a happy dog sniffing exploring sensing chasing.  With so much freed up creative energy in me, I have a huge craving for taking in new things all the time.  Long ago I used to try and homogonize, fit in, adjust, etc., life was boring and I was often disruptive.  When I learned to accept that my internal juices love to dance, all the time any time I can in any whichever direction I choose.  IE, I love freeeeeedom, life got funer, BIG TIME.

At first finances, jobs, living situations were restrictive.  So I changed up my daily routine.  When I first started my daily routine I used to have a certain order, do this, do that, and then zzzzzzz. But it was actually a form of stability for me for awhile that helped me to fit in a bit when I needed to.  Then one day when things were going fairly well(I was adjusting to a job and regular income) I was bored with my routine and did things different, and eventually threw it out completely.  I just knew if I did certain things, things would go and smell better.

My thinking on the inside has evolved on a similiar path.  As I grew up, and for several years after I was diagnosed.  Life was anything but stable.  I was a constant disruptive roller coaster.  After I got a clue that I was actually quite different, and this other group of people played by certain rules, I was pissed.  Why couldn’t everyone be creative, goofy, weird and fun.  Why couldn’t every body see and speak the truth.  Why, Why Why.

fast forward.

Wag Wag.  I got a secret.  Even though I have a job, regular income, house, daily showers etc.(learned to play with normal tribe), I am anything but on the inside, and I have manifested lots of  time and money to play

BECAUSE, all of these years of learning to play with the normies, I kept the creative dreamer inside of me alive no matter what.

Didn’t matter how bad how dark how long the crappy times were, I always tried to keep a candle lit somewhere in me of dreams and what I would/could do if.

Guess What.

Life is Gooooood.

ok I smell something strange I gotsa to go investigate…

Rufff

George








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