Wag Wag

11 09 2009

Bipolar and traveling can be FUUUN!  With an active healthy flowing internal bipolar experience, traveling is a blast.  I’m a happy dog sniffing exploring sensing chasing.  With so much freed up creative energy in me, I have a huge craving for taking in new things all the time.  Long ago I used to try and homogonize, fit in, adjust, etc., life was boring and I was often disruptive.  When I learned to accept that my internal juices love to dance, all the time any time I can in any whichever direction I choose.  IE, I love freeeeeedom, life got funer, BIG TIME.

At first finances, jobs, living situations were restrictive.  So I changed up my daily routine.  When I first started my daily routine I used to have a certain order, do this, do that, and then zzzzzzz. But it was actually a form of stability for me for awhile that helped me to fit in a bit when I needed to.  Then one day when things were going fairly well(I was adjusting to a job and regular income) I was bored with my routine and did things different, and eventually threw it out completely.  I just knew if I did certain things, things would go and smell better.

My thinking on the inside has evolved on a similiar path.  As I grew up, and for several years after I was diagnosed.  Life was anything but stable.  I was a constant disruptive roller coaster.  After I got a clue that I was actually quite different, and this other group of people played by certain rules, I was pissed.  Why couldn’t everyone be creative, goofy, weird and fun.  Why couldn’t every body see and speak the truth.  Why, Why Why.

fast forward.

Wag Wag.  I got a secret.  Even though I have a job, regular income, house, daily showers etc.(learned to play with normal tribe), I am anything but on the inside, and I have manifested lots of  time and money to play

BECAUSE, all of these years of learning to play with the normies, I kept the creative dreamer inside of me alive no matter what.

Didn’t matter how bad how dark how long the crappy times were, I always tried to keep a candle lit somewhere in me of dreams and what I would/could do if.

Guess What.

Life is Gooooood.

ok I smell something strange I gotsa to go investigate…



Bipolar Humor

10 09 2009

I get wacky when I’m tired stressed and in need of me down cave time.  If I’ve watched a movie with an ascent, or heard one recently it jumps into my mouth and soon dat es Onle way, I kan speek!!

My coworkers loooook at me strangely, AAAnd, I kontinue to speek lik dis.

I’m expressing creativity, having fun, keeping my brain occupied on a harmless pursuit of coming up with the next thing to say.

Most times people laugh or grin.  When I supress my energy and ideas, I can get angry or depressed easily.  When I find OKay waays to espreeess, me self din I”MM Fine.

SSSoo I hopes yous enjoyed me silly mind des evenin.

, ~ ‘)


Plop Plop fizz Fizz

9 09 2009

Words.  The wonderful world of words and bipolar.  Because my mind can go so fast sometimes I can often see the option of five or six word per word location in a sentence.  This is then thought of as bad.  WHY????  I ask it’s so fun.  It’s one of the reasons I’m so excited about the texting world showing up and taking over the english language.  We can now communicate so many more thoughts in such few symbols.  So I say celebrate fast minds multiple tangents and active creativity.  I love letting it flow like right now.  This morning no way was I going to write a blog.  Many things were occurring/and I was dark and moody.  But I got up, and took on the multiple challenges of the day, 1 at a time.

When I get really jammed up.  All kinds of obligations etc going on, and my defenses are low because I’ve been so busy.  My practices is to stay focussed on only the task at hand.  I trust spirit to guide me/remind me what is next.  And for the most part it works great.  In fact I was so focussed one task to the next all day, I don’t think I could tell you even if I tried all that I did.  but i d o know that I”m no longer dark and moody, I stayed focussed on solutions rather then negativity, and my brain was thoroughly exercised today.

This is why when my pillow calls to me on days like today, when my captain informs me my flight will be landing with or without my input on location(ie, body is going down for nap time)

I like to say…

PLOP Plop fizzzz…..


7 09 2009

“Help! The shortest, most effective prayer in the business.” pg 56 of my book Living Out Of Darkness.

I’m in a bit of a busy stretch, and things are going fairly well, much better then expected actually.  I’m also noticiing my irration, frustration levels rising.  In fact a couple of times yesterday I got on my knees and prayed for help to get through the next hour in dealing with a particular individual.  I don’t know why, I don’t know if it is a placebo affect or what, I just know, that this technique has served me well for over 20 years. It is a way I ask for help when I know inappropriate behavior is encroaching in my idea bank, and when I’m overwhelmed with gratitude, mania, or visions. There is something about getting on my knees, putting my head lower then my heart, acknowledging a spirit in me and greater then me, and offer what ever I am going through, strife or ease, thanking and asking for help.

I am grateful for unseen unknown benevelent powers that guide and watch over me.



6 09 2009

I have woken up neurotic, grumpy, and unreasonable.  I thought I’ll just blow off the blog today.  Hmmm.  Then I thought, well heck pilgrim wat kinda a cummmitment is that.  Get a little grumpy and blow it off????  I thought I was in some kinda a groove here to demonstrate my ability to transform whatever bipolar throws at me today, and let others see the process live.

At which point I came up with the very enlightening title, let me repeat it for you in case you missed it.  rrrrrg.

So I grabbed my book Living Out Of Darkness, and flipped open at random to this silly page.

pg96  “I started looking at what could possibly be good about being bipolar…”

It is for mornings like this, when I have obligations, and can’t just crawl into my cave until the weather passes, that I wrote the book for myself, to gently remind me that I have a choice.

I can temp fate with my auto pilot that may or may not guide me through a pleasant day.


I can take a moment acknowledge that I feel like a total grumpy jerk that would rather growl then speak english, breathe, read, write, do an extra set of Tai Chi, just because.  And then just like a big ship slowly moving out of a harbor, I will be extra aware of my moves and words in order to negotiate my way to calming breaks, moments outside, and somehow I will get through this day.

Wish me LUCK!!


p.s. I could also use an extra hug : }

Letting Growth Happen

5 09 2009

Letting others I care about suffer, while I can see possibilities for them, sucks.  It is a surefire opportunity to let myself get angry upset depressed, which always leads to being numb and distracted if I don’t deal with it.  There are times when I’ve been able to witness my bipolar skills be of service to improving the quality, direction, or motivation of anothers life, there are times when the only thing I can do is let spirit step in without my interference and grace happens.  Being the natural Mr. Fixit/Mother Hen that I am this drives me nuts.

What I see over time, is that life is a series of choices.  The gift of freedom, is the opportunity to make all these decisions for better or for worse with the opportunities we are are presented with, and those we are able to create along the way.

Recently spirit has allowed me to walk along side someone as they worked through a drought of finances, health issues, and future possibilities.  I was in a situation were all I could do was witness, affirm spirit’s grace, and listen.  The other day a saw this person again, and they had quite  successfully crossed the desert in their life and were doing quite well again.   I need these reminders, because I was not elected King at any point that I can remember and I certainly don’t have any blank checks to fix anything.

I share this because I am reminding myself today that grace happens, inspite of my worry, and I’m witnesing some loved ones walk through some dark challenges again.  Even though I can’t see the positive resolution right now, I know growth is happening not only for them but for me as well.  The more I let go, and let spirit happen in this particular situation, I know a better outcome then I could have imagined is possible.

Praying for our loved ones,



4 09 2009

My sister once told me she witnessed a parent coaching a child through a moment in a grocery store.  I nodded, this went into a back corner of my brain and I promptly forgot.  A couple weeks later I was at her house agitated, spinning around and getting ready to go on a trip but I had a lot to do.  In the calm way that she knows me, she was able to sit me down and make a cup of tea.  I kept resisting and babbling but she gentle sat me down in her comfortable chair and enjoyed a cup of tea with me.  She asked me about my trip, and why I was so excited about it.  Then she gently asked me what I needed to do to get prepared to go, things like what was important and what was I stressing over just to stress out.  I had no clue what she was doing to me I just knew I felt calmer.  Then when I was getting ready to go she said, ” wouldn’t it be cool if you could sit down and have another cup of tea with me right before I drive you to the airport.”  She said it as an offhand passing comment, yet it stuck.  I thought yeah, that would be nice.

I went home, packed, cleaned, and showed up at her cabin in time for a cup of tea before I was off.

Thank God for sisters, family members, and friends that can get to know us and gently steer us when we need it most.

May a spot of tea be just the tickle of ahh you create today


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