Artist Way

30 04 2011

Thank God for Julia Cameron and her book the Artist Way.

I haven’t been a good boy since getting to work.  My mischievous gossiping stirring the crap self showed up to play and I’ve been avoiding looking any deeper as to possible causes, ok that’s a lie too.  I’m way out front in creative audacity right now and scared shitless, and this is a wonderful thing.  Creativity is a messy scary vulnerable experience for me.  Being organically less inhibited (which I think science is actually beginning to discover about bipolar and other unusual brains), it’s not an uncommon experience for me to say HELL YES, jump into an opportunity if it intuitively feels right, and reap the inevitable benefits and growing opportunities, which evolve after definitive visionary actions are taken.  When I wrote and self-published my first book it was relatively safe because I controlled everything (I LOVE CONTROL), and didn’t get much positive feedback before it was finally out there but it did come and was very rewarding.  Currently I am into all kinds of creative adventures, and letting myself play and produce and share with them all, which is scary and emotional at times.  Thank God for Julia Cameron’s Artist Way.  I went thru it many years ago, which helped launch many positive outcomes in my life, and a friend was starting a group and I jumped right in again.

Wow!  This oughta be a required course in schools.  So instead of staying in a vulnerable scared emotional inside state, while being a total jerk/gossip/stirrer of problems on the surface, I was able to dip inwards a bit today, and work thru some exercises, and calm down a bit.  THIS IS VITAL, if you are bipolar.  Yes we are excellent at saying YES, when the mood strikes, but for myself, learning self-care, and when to slow and allow my emotions to catch up, is essential for leveling out and enjoying sanity along with the fun of being inside of a very creative life.

Breathing a little deeper,



28 04 2011

“You don’t have to be delusional to be happy, but sometimes it helps.”  George Denslow

As I stepped on to the plane in Atlanta there was a distinct familiar odor permeating the cabin, but I didn’t see any fishing boats nearby.  Soon I had a new item to add to my virtual travel delay log.  “We had fish in the cargo bay of the plane, we were waiting for it to air out a bit.”  Ouch, I thought thank God my 45 minute delay was playing musical gate chase in the airport getting some unplanned but much needed exercise, rather sitting in a metal tube on a hot runway with the sardines below my feet.  It’s the little things I like to pay attention to for building and being in my buoyancy.

45 min after my next flight had already left, Minneapolis while riding late at night in the Le Barage? Hotel shuttle (very nice hotel near the airport) I was joking with a fellow weary passenger until he starting grinning and relaxing.  Turns out, his heritage was from northern Italy so I started saying yes sir/no sir so as not to offend any of his cousins from Jersey.  He assured me that only happened in Hollywood.

(the inner grump would like to pause and say, where’s the GRUMP?)

He was unaccounted for.  Why?  I LOVE DETOURS!  My inner Rage-aholic in the not too distant pass could have easily come out to play and ripped a you know what with the airlines, but really?  Really? Would it have altered the outcome in any positive direction?

I’m only halfway across the country on my way to work; it’s way too soon for Mr. A with psychic guns on my hips to show.  But stay tuned, I’ve got three hops to go, hey wait a minute, I’ll be setting a new personal record for number of hops from Florida to Alaska, AWESOME!

The room was clean and spacious the pool was delightful, and now a mid afternoon flight, with a complimentary first class upgrade, AND I’M going to VEGAS Baby!  I don’t think I’ve ever been, I’m feeling so good I’ll even play the slots.

Nope, no drama King rehearsals running around in my head to bore people with, and dang it I could have gotten mileage for years out of this trip!

As I soar above the clouds leaving Minnesota, I’m so grateful for all the crap I’ve walked my mind thru from the inside out, because detours like this are now a fun unexpected interlude of life.

Happy Spring,

I’ll sign off with my all time favorite most fluent language skills,


p.s. please don’t tell my boss why I had to call in sick today ;  )

update: no luck in Vegas, I guess I’ll continue on to work.

Pace Reset

25 04 2011

“Clear your energy, honor your rhythm, live your vision,”  George Denslow, Living Out of Darkness, pg 51

I’ve been a happy ADD dog on mushrooms (figuratively) paddling all over the surface of my life enjoying an incredible set of fun waves.  Today, after a week of being very slow, and reintroducing calm to my system, I re-discovered why I needed to slow up a bit.

My mind has been giving me loads of shit, its spring do this do that go here go there don’t miss anything!!!

My soul has been gently coaxing me to relax, listen, allow, and in the process resetting the core.

When I finally got the inner green light to go play with my kayak today, I realized the genius of resetting my pace.  Instead of rush rush out the door figure it out later Walmart sells anything, I calmly took the time to be prepared, this preparation allowed me to spend more time (no trips needed to stores for forgotten items), and less anxiety (because I remembered to collect numbers in my phone ahead of time in case I got distracted and was late).

When I was out on the water, and had enjoyed drifting in the wind for a while, I listened again; it was time to go in, instead of making a mega adventure out of it.  What I didn’t realize till I got back to my van, was that the sun is friggin hot this time of year, and any longer could have been very exhausting.

This is all evidence for me of how important it is to allow myself to be gentle and slow down from time to time in order to let my inner guidance catch up with the go go go part of me.

Is there anything you need to speed up, slow down, or listen to inside of you today?



Soul Freedom

23 04 2011

I took a bit of a hit emotionally the other day and chose not to stay on the surface distracting, redirecting, reframing, etc.  I let myself feel it.  In the past this could have turned into a three-month or longer emotional bender, instead I just let it happen for a day.  I let myself be silent, relaxed, and took a long nap.  The earth didn’t shake or come to an end; I didn’t die of anything or make anything worse.  I simply let my heart feel something, deeply.

It was an ending of sorts for me.  I realize that my belief system is wired a little different than a majority of people around me.  This used to cause me a lot of grief.  “Oh know, I don’t think and react like others what’s wrong with me”.  Or some other delusion like that would run around in my head and was hardwired in me to an experience of shame.   “I’m not like other people, therefore I’m wrong.”

Thank God, over time my soul has emerged to take the reigns back in my life and allow me to hear that I’m actually a really good person.  My reactions to life, my commitment level to making something good happen, and my acceptance level of what I do and don’t do, is very high and functional.  This was not an easy awakening to come to, it took years of judging, fearing, and running from who I am, before I was finally able to allow myself to accept that I think far removed from any boxes and experience life in entirely different rhythms.  THANK GOD!

When I was able to begin fully embracing, acting, and living more in tune with whom I really am, wow, life gets good.  And days like yesterday when I allow myself to respond to hurt in a slow gentle and careful way are actually very nurturing.  Today, I was thankful for the time, and began sorting and uncovering what was really going on.  Turns out there are some people and experiences I’m ready to let go of, so that I can begin to dive into what is deeper and more real for me.  This also supports what I would like to begin to create for others as well.

If I had stayed on the surface yesterday, I probably wouldn’t have allowed myself to see this today, or be calm enough to be able to act on what I see.

Is their anything you need to allow yourself to experience today, from the inside out?


Soul 10

22 04 2011

I was flying all night back to Alaska for a two week work shift at a remote worksite, the parting at the Airport with my fiancé’ was an incomplete silence, and exhaustion.  We were remodeling, moving, and arguing our way thru the next layers of crap in our relationship.  My work shift ahead didn’t look any easier, we were dealing with 200 plus construction workers on a site they could safely deal with 70 on a busy day, add to that my work load of taking care of the electronic communications needs of 150, had gone to 600 people, and 45 miles of dangerous remote Alaska road between the worksites,  my 16 plus hour daze were brutal.

It was during this insane stretch of life, I learned my most effective technique ever.  The value of 10 minutes.   My primary go-all in my life for 20 years had been to somehow capture in a book my holistic unmedicated journey with bipolar, and I was doing it.  10 minutes at a time.  I made an agreement with soul, instead of hoping or wishing for my insane life to cough up an extra hour, willingness, and extra energy to create, I took matters into my own hands and chose to invest 10 minutes a day, thinking, staring, writing, editing or somehow interacting with my dream.  And I did.  I literally completed the manuscript in an all night airport café I usually slept in after 12 hours of flying to Alaska.  I completed a passionate project in spite of the insanity in my life.  By chewing on it for 10 minutes a day.

The relationship evaporated, the job calmed down, and when I did publish the book it didn’t become a best seller.  So what.  What I gained was Soul 10.  What I have continued is interviewing my soul on a regular basis.  I ask my soul, what is the most important visceral sense I need to create or experience next in my life?  Why am I here, and what is next? When I haven’t known, I’ve just sat still for 10 minutes a day until I feel excitement and fear, then I figure out some way of interacting with it, even if it’s just staring at a picture of it off the internet until I can do more with it.  This Soul 10 has led me into an inner life of joy and peace, and an ecstatic outer life, I’m even jealous of.  It is my most important and vital practice.  10 minutes a day with my soul, gives me a stillness and buoyancy in my life which antidotes the contrast and accentuates the joy.

Here is the secret:  If I’m willing to allow myself ten minutes of meaningful connection with who I really am a day, I get hooked want more, let go of what isn’t necessary or vital, and begin living and creating a life which is full of connection.  If I don’t know and don’t nurture the seeds of my future, they don’t happen.  If I allow this soul in me to live, I become engulfed in a cocoon of activities and people which are mutually fulfilling.  My gas tank of joy fills and overflows, and sparks are frequent.  That which doesn’t spark the joy and peace evaporates.



Chewed Restraints

19 04 2011

Today will be a successful day because I chewed thru my restraints and escaped the vortex of my asylum/home/man cave.  I’ve been deliciously enjoying my inner sanctum, sponsored by a back sprain, dominoes pizza delivery, and netflicks with a liberal dose of Xbox 360 Far Cry 2(shoot em up video game) for good measure.  It’s always interesting when my off time approaches and I eagerly anticipate all the things I will do and then it arrives and sometimes the first thing that goes outside the window is the plan.  Thank God.  I’ve been so buoyant and in life as of late that I really haven’t been deeply psychotic and neurotic.  I really needed a mini meltdown because I’ve forgotten how good and juicy they can be.  The art of being psychotic, neurotic and way too far in one’s mind, is physical comfort, non-medically induced distraction(Internet movies works great)(finally getting around to watching the final season of 24)(Jack Baurer is one of my heros)(I think that’s enough parenthasis for now)

Today is a successful day for another reason which is why I started to write this blog before I refreshed myself on how wonderful it can be inside my personal psych ward/home.

The reason is many fold which is why I’ve started actively writing my next book, but I wanted to capture a bit here today:

Ok so now we are at todays title/lesson:  Learned vs Soul – Identity.

So I chewed thru my restraints experienced vertical hot water and soap and a clean shaved face, dressed in clean clothes and went out in public—AAAAAGH.  (yeah, re-entry can be scary)  I did also patiently let myself decide if I need more shelter time in my home but decided to timidly go forward by promising myself at least another hour on my favorite video game when I got home again.


Here is the scoop:

We have an original soul identity.  And we are good and wonderful and love our uniqueness.

We are born into a situation.

We learn a new identity, some of it includes the original some not.  Some things learned are pleasant and useful, some are completely neurotic and dysfunctional, bipolar can be this.

We either live the rest of our life in this new learned identity and role filled with busyiness/story/ego/distractions and attempting to fill everyone else’s needs other than our own,


We continue our soul journey back to integrating what’s new with our original soul identity.

First, and often ongoing, often avoided, and never fully healed; our minds.  We can learn to relax our own minds.  For an awesome book on this very activity check out:

If we successfully learn to relax our mind/ego/story/drama trauma/etc…

We can begin to heal our heart.  The biggest area of learning for healing our heart, is actively engaging with comprenhending and letting go of our family of origin issues.  Sometimes we can do this in person, sometimes not.  It’s the hairest, scareiest, angriest, most beautiful work I’ve ever experienced.  If you ever get to experience first hand the most difficult relationship in your family of origin as becoming a best friend and a hero(my father has become my hero after many years of trial and error), you’ll know what I mean.  I encourage you with every once of freedom I feel in me.

Now what:

Is that the end?


Here is the best part yet:


Where were you born from?

Who are you really?

What is the most relaxed part of you?

What sounds tastes environments, activities, help you relax, laugh, spontaneously breathe deeply and giggle?

These are the questions beyond the work of this life, beyond letting go of the mind, and healing the heart, these are the questions which can lead you into a bouancy for being in life and of this world whatever your current role may be, and be at peace between your ears, and relaxed in your soul.

This morning when I was sitting all fresh and clean properly attired and chewing thru the last little bit of mental restraints from going out and enjoying this day,

I re-membered;

Was my current neurotic experience, a learned identity, or my soul identity?

Immediately I relaxed got up, drove to my favority morning coffee place and began writing for the day.

Thank you Soul,


Amazing Soul

18 04 2011

Amazing grace

How sweet the sound

That grew a soul like me.

I once was lost, but now am found,

Was scared, but now I’m free.

Twas grace that taught my heart to hear,

And grace my heart opened

How precious did that grace reveal.

The hour I first could breathe

Thro’ many fears, of hurt, and trial,

I have already come;

Tis grace hath wrought me in so far,

And soul will lead me on.

This grace has promis’d good to me,

this healing my soul ensures;

Giving is my shield and power,

showing how life expands.

As my mind and hurt blows away

My life begins to fly

I possess, within me now,

A life of joy and ease

My story soon shall dissolve away,

As the sun shall shine today;

This soul in me, who call’d me near

is now forever free.

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