Spring Ash

27 05 2013

SpringAshI feel a concept shift.

What if my winter of wroughting through unmedicated anguish, and life transition anxiety has given me birth to an entirely new concept of that which is infinite?

I used to think God had a plan

I am now open to a concept that God doesn’t plan, God is present, presence; combined with infinite intelligence, creativity, intuition, experience and wisdom, patience, allowing.

It’s scary to not live in such a GOD planned universe, but to accept more fully emotionally the possibility the God consciousness, is making this up as we go along as well, with infinite more of everything I have access to and more.  It’s kinda funny, when I go oops, oh well, does God go oops? And deal with it in the presence while continuing to create, no matter what???

One of the wonders of being raw bipolar all these years is the benefit of faith cycles, at times I’m a blabbering clear eyed God lover, preaching about getting on one’s knees in times of mental strife to re-alaign with a greater will.

At times, I’m a ghost, in rote robotic function of biological, and job duties as I deep sea dive internally to burn through my current existential disbeliefs and questions.

Emotional events, stress, reoccurring issues, etc, can and do knock me out from time to time.  It is the years of practice and experience taking care of my mind in all shades of state, that allow me to continue as I slow walk through the questions.

Even though my thoughts are obviously not clear enough for written English yet, I still wanted to offer hope to any others who may have had a difficult mental/soul/emotion winter.  Take care as much as you can, because time, and the back of your mind can be a tonic which slowly transitions to integrating huge questions on a very personal level.

I ask be brave.  Be with the PRESENCE, in whatever form it takes inside you, and trust the openings to a greater awareness.

I realize now, last fall, my concepts were limited.  I realize now in the ashes of this winter, I’m connected with a much more unlimited, unplanned acceptance of all that I thought was possible.

I’m learning when I am in angst, it may just be my opening that needs to occur.

Strange, I find myself on my knees again in gratitude, the more open I get, the more connected I experience, what I once judged as good or bad, or planned.


Struggle Allows

20 05 2013


Funny thing happened the other day in my pissy anxiety driven brain of late.  I accidently opened my book “Living Out of Darkness”.  Dang it George, why did you have to go to all that trouble to live, discover, and capture the principles of personal mental health response-ability, and self-publish it.  You Idiot George, how can I ignore the truth, when it’s in my own freaking words?

Speaking of freakin, I decided to play role of poster person for anxiety in dealing with life issues this winter.  The kind that I have little or no control of yet disturb me at such a deep level, I‘ve allowed myself to slip into a deep uncomfortable routine of stupor.

Let’s just say my percentage of functional happiness time to couch drool time has been favoring team sloth.

So yes, my book, captures the principles, and when I practice them on a regular and consistent basis, I actually experience a greater degree of calm and functionality.

Beating myself up any further is unproductive.  So I focus on what has gotten me through.  Having notebooks laying around, and writing it down.  Picking up and reading inspirational literature.  Getting out and walking, riding my bicycle, or swimming, even if I don’t want to.  Playing guitar, art, and talking to a trusted friend.

Did any of these things permanently fix the problems or me?  Nope.  But they did support the passage of time without a major job, financial, or housing situation blow out, which is how I’ve usually dealt with the biggies when they hit.  Yes.

Keeping my self physically healthy, safe, and working, has allowed the passage of time to resolve some issues, and gently gradually offer perspective on others.

Even though we may know, and practice the principles of mental health response-ability, sometimes life is a struggle.

I can chose to self-destruct, and have many times, and taken years to rebuild.

Or I can hang on long enough in a self-care mode, until I’m able to mentally relax and enjoy life again.

I can also begin to accept, that the reoccurring nightmares, and daytime anxiety from my earliest roots may continue to revisit me over the years as they have in their seeming cycles of life.

What I am most grateful for in this moment, is to have survived another round of reverberations from my past, and I know that if I continue to practice the principles I know, than I will thrive mentally and physically again, even though it never feels like it when I’m in the middle of it.

Please, take care of yourself through it All, because struggle allows us to be available for when a new beginning could arrive,



%d bloggers like this: