Shift Happens!

21 05 2016

Shift Happened! At The Hapuna Beach Prince Hotel this week!

IMG_7694

Alan Cohen’s Advanced Life Coaching Tribe gathered and created a lot of shift.
Good Shift. We shifted up, downloaded gems from teachers all over the world, and shared our life coaching skill sets with each other from all walks of life and geographic locations on the planet. And what a place to experience teachings, renewal, and to practice the life coaching skill set.

I haven’t experienced anything like this in over 5 years, and let’s just say my spiritual batteries disintegrated a bit back, yet somehow got me signed up, through my mind ego fear long enough to show up and participate. And I am so grateful!

Hawaii has a tradition of cities of refuge, for me, any Alan Cohen retreat, especially on the island of Hawaii, is just that.

If you are struggling with your spiritual connection and life “opportunities”, I could never recommend enough the need to connect with a spiritual tribe, and the chance to develop skill sets and connections with like minded individuals.

I can assure you, I never done it perfectly, become enlightened, left the darkness behind, but I have All WAYS, no matter how lost I’ve become in life, found renewal and hope. At times I’ve stayed connected, at times I’ve drifted, each develops a strength.

The biggest shift I received this week, was hope. It was also that which I needed the most.

Thank you Alan, and thank you Alan’s Tribe, for helping me seep back into light, again.





Authority Issues

14 09 2015

…I’m a major control freak. guess where the two meet?…work

yup, summer manic cure all crazy season is over, snow is creeping down the mountains, it’s getting darker, and I hate my job.

In the past, I allowed my bipolar to run unchecked with this wa wa, and quit got fired or run far far away.

today; I chose to sit in my sh*t until I FEEL, what’s really going on.

I hate all bosses, supervisors, lead techs, older people, smarter people, arrogant people, etc ad nauseous.

yup, i’m a control freak. I used to judge myself about this until I realized it’s better to be a control freak, and micro manage my world inside and out to the best of my ability, then to act out.

I’m also not a full time control freak, and I don’t always hate my job and all people.

When I’m in the middle of a funk or tuning ramping up for a good old blow out, I still have choices and options. One of which is to stop, sit in my sh*t, write, read, breathe, walk, etc. And give it a little time, until the onion of me, cracks a new stinky layer.

This is how I heal over time.

Today- I can see that being a worker bee, I often need to be smarter then the task at hand and my bosses, but I have to be humble enough to not get fired. If I were to be a boss, I would have an excuse to let my ego run the show, and not have to be as smart.

so by staying in the ranks, being a worker bee, I get to be smart, and eat lots of humble pie.

I don’t like humble pie, because I have experienced so much humiliation and frustration with bipolar my entire life, internally and externally.

Yet today, I can see where being in a situation, where continually learning humility, is helping me to keep my ego/bipolar in check.

so today, (please don’t tell my boss or all other aforementioned people) I’m grateful for the opportunity learn humility so that I can continue to heal and let go of humiliation.





Two Cups

9 05 2015

two coffee cups

Sometimes it takes two cups of coffee to crank the brain in the morning, ok I’ll admit it, two cups with 1/2 1/2, that is. ? Ok FINE, I confess the eating method I’ve very successfully been on for about a year limits my carbs to 1 hr a day, and cream in my coffee is limited to only 1 a day which sucks when I need 2 and is cool when I want to break the rules which is often, and yet I’m still gradually letting go of poundage, thank God. But this rambling nonsense is not what I wanted to blog about.

I’m putting it off because I’m scared. Shitless that is. I haven’t felt like writing so I’ve been reading other bipolar blogs. Here is a BIG thank you to ALL bipolar blog writers. I have one comment for all, I RESEMBLE THIS!

Ok fine, said that. Bipolar and Relationships. That’s what I’m scared shitless to write about. It’s what I purposely avoided in my book.

Thank God for other bipolar writers, because, wow, I’m alone in life, but not in community with other bloggers about the topic.

Bipolar. Maybe I should start there. The more I read about other bipolars, the more it affirms basic truths. It matters not, what path, ethnicity, gender, preference, lifestyle, economics, age etc. Bipolar is what it is. It doesn’t seem to matter if we choose medication, organic, or hybrid methods of treatment. Bipolar is a very active roller coaster ride, yes it can be smooth and boring occasionally, but we never seem to know when a normal mood is gonna go sideways fast and hold on to see where we end up.

Relationships. Honestly. I gave up years ago. A)I seem to be attracted to members of the opposite sex who end up taking advantage of me. B) I am a high maintenance freak show at times. C)I lose myself completely, and who wants to live with a subservient ghost? D) When I’m triggered off my rocker bat shit up or down crazy, 99 people out of 100 only make it worse. The one cure all I can rely on, is copious amounts of time, me, alone, nature. Preferably with access to sweating and creating. Period. That is my reset cure.

It doesn’t help that I do shift work. I’ve found remote industrial work, is a good routine for me, I’m gone for a couple weeks, and then I”m off. No matter how screwed up I get at home or work, the other is a sure fire routine for coming back on track.

So living my life alone with bipolar, sans medication, I’m quite successful. I have long term employment in a job I’ m highly suited for, I self -regulate my bipolar, and have many hobbies.

Now I feel like an embarrassed idiot, but I want truth to be shared. Yes I am living a bipolar life without meds, drugs, or alcohol. But I’m still batshit crazy at times, and just don’t seem to have relationships any where on the priority list. Every time I get involved, it ends in disaster. I concluded long ago, I am the common denominator, and yes I have dedicated decades, and thousands of dollars to therapy, workshops, ad nauseam etc.

Which leads me to the one relationship I have always relied upon. I’m not a member of any religion. But there is something unseen greater then me, I have always been able to access when I’m truly sincere, open and humble, which gives me peace, comfort, connection, and releases all fears and worries. When I truly open and ask the universe for help, I have always received whatever I truly needed in the moment. This is the connection I’ve rededicated my life to again and again, and this is what I feel like my life purpose is, to be connected, and to be available to help others who are temporarily lost, to feel connected again. This is the deepest peace I’ve discovered in my bipolar journey, I may not be connected in a traditional socially acceptable societal means with other humans, but I have plenty of time to reconnect as needed inside, with what appears to be, everything.

two coffee cups





Bipolar Angst

7 10 2013

BPAngst“We can see how people dream and succeed in life; we can also completely sympathize   with people walking the dark and lonely roads of hopeless failure.”  pg 6, Living Out of Darkness.

I wrote this in the beginning of my book about the bipolar disorder journey.  It’s an alternative definition I’ve come up with to attempt describing the big picture experience of being consciously bipolar.

Training oneself with spirituality, positive metaphysics, etc, can help understand and work with managing the mania phase.

Deep sober, prayer and meditation, can lead to expanding comprehension of human experience while physically filled with dark emotion.

These two methods combined over time to deal with the mania and depression, can lead to the conscious bipolar experience.

Conscious bipolar individuals don’t just intellectually analyze the facts of anything. We can experience first hand direct physical emotional/soul/spirit/ connection with facts and humanity. The immensity of this experience without internal or external tutelage, leads to the blow outs in behavior.

On one hand, I can/could/have, blame my family for everything,

On the other hand, knowing what I know now, about their upbringing in challenging times, the nature of the individuals that they are, combined with the in depth experience a bipolar life has allowed me, I could never blame them or me for anything.

Experiencing the extreme highs/lows, depth of life, separately, mixed, and intimately within one’s body allows an opening for healing.

When I can truly feel another’s pain, and potential, in my own body, I can also nurture hope and potential.

This is tricky.  It is the gift and burden of bipolar angst.  Do we run from the highs and lows and act out?

Do we stick around long enough to experience both?

Do we embody what we feel, and still choose conscious positive potential actions?

g





Acceptance

4 09 2013

FaithEvery now and then, the sh#t hits the fan, and fear dragons threaten everything.

I’ve been in one of these times when fear seems to be the overriding theme.   It’s been an intense growth cycle this summer, thank God, it’s drawing to a close, I’m not sure how much more growth I can stand before calmer winter energy settles in and I can get on with good old fashioned depression.

Much simpler to deal with depression, go through the emotions, physically nurture, etc.

It’s pretty much a rote routine for me to deal with it, almost a friend I miss in the frenetic energy of summer.

And what a summer.

 

Anyway, Acceptance.  When all else fails.  Accept.  Surrender, get on knees, in FAITH.  ???

Yes.  Believe it or not(I keep re-membering) there is knowledge I do not know, events I can not foresee, and good possible outcomes, I can’t predict or create in my mind before they occur.  I can sure give myself a dark ride before hand if I chose.

This has been my internal battle as of late since receiving some unwanted news of a future event, with imagined disastrous outcomes.  Typical behavior of a wanna be manic  overactive semi/full paranoid mind.

So what do I turn to in times like this?  Drugs, nope, tried that 20 plus years ago with disastrous results.  Alcohol- same.  Food-not working as well as it used to and cravings to be fat and floppy have diminished radically, even started exercising again.

Oh yeah, wait a minute.  How about begging God for help, writing in my journal my worst nightmare scenarios, and crossing my legs, closing my eyes, and …wait for it…being calm and listening, or listening and becoming calm.

Does it work all the time or instantly? not usually.  Somewhat dependent on my current sincerity level and severity of my wandering from my practices of cultivating calm, awareness, and faith.  Which to sum up has been the harvest of this summers internal growth season, duct tape my mind and mouth, get on my knees, and ask how can I best serve and be served, teach and learn, with those I’m currently interacting and or struggling with.  How may I best interact with the current people or situations in my life?

The biggest prize of this summers festivities, has been exactly this.  When all other self delusional activities fail, and sometimes even before.  Accept.  There could be something bigger than my ego of fear involved that could be guiding me to an outcome better than I ever hoped or expected possible.

hmm. yup. it’s been a back to basics experience, of which I’m grateful.  Regardless of my social/learning/relational dysfunction, and for lack of a better word, PTSD, I’m still a good person, creating a life on earth with others in a human body.  I chose daily, whether to ramp up the crazy, or settle deeper in calm.  Accepting the mixed outcome, and over time winning a calm inner faith experience appears to be an internal gift, that keeps expanding, thru every internal, and external real or imagined disaster.

happy harvest season,

george





Tipping Point

22 03 2013

 

I have tea with my inner demons, occasionally.   Do I encourage and believe in them on a daily basis?  No.  Do I acknowledge their existence and power over me?   I try not to.  Do I accept that they exist and allow them free reign from time to time to illustrate their absurdity, yes.

And here is why.  The other day they stormed my internal positive buoyancy and won.  I curled up in a ball and hid, and believed in them like I used to.  Maybe they were right.

Guess what?  The day passed, and the sun came up again.  Internally in the back of my mind all the positive seeds, I had patiently planted over the years, sprouted again, and worked through all the current negativity from positive viewpoints, and the new day, bounced me back to ok, naturally.

When I began my internal journey, I was 99 to 110 percent of the time convinced that I was a useless horrible person, this was the end result of my life experience up to that point, and I had plenty of external proof and opinion of others to support that theory.

It was vital that I believed in something external of me called hope, that all could be well, and I could at some point be connected with something positive other then the dark vacuum that I was.  I held on to hope, positive mental thinking, candles, prayer, yoga, exercise, spiritual retreats, self-help books, anything and everything I could to keep me going through the majority of time when I believed in absolutely nothing but hopeless dreary existence.  I figured even if all the spiritual stuff I was reading and doing was wrong, an occasional glimmer of hope, was a reprieve from the usual cast of demons parading around in my interior scape keeping me bound to lack.

Even now writing this I can feel the all too creepy familiarity of self doubt seep back in. Wow.

Along the way of believing and taking positive actions, something strange happened.  Bit by bit, I started to have moments of feeling ok.  These bits over time began to increase in frequency and coagulate into moments and days.

Eventually, positive buoyancy occurred in my internal vacuum.  The dark thoughts would come…and bounce off and away, from an internalized positive belief system.

What a miracle.  What a discovery, I was actually a good person on the inside.  It was true hope at last.

This is why I believe anyone, anywhere, at anytime, can begin, and experience a journey to their own unique source of good, which is who they already are.

I believe in you, because for several years now, I finally believe in me, from the inside out.

Be you,

George





Anxiety

20 03 2013

“The world I wish to be in is behind the thinly veiled seemingly impenetrable moment of anxiety” George  Denslow

Let’s face it.  We all deal with it.  You know fight or flight.  Dream and act on your soul’s directives, or succumb to the numbness of dreary existence.

The

Anxiety

deeper I seep into my soul’s interior frontier, the more I drift from the exterior label of bipolar disorder.  I begin to see bipolar as more of a series of coping/integrating behaviors to a higher intellectual emotional, bigger picture, truth.

As I do my best to cope organically with current bouts and waves of anxiety and subsequent insomnia, about life changes, I receive the opportunity to sit still, and let the anxiety… dance… inside my mind, body, and emotions.  If I allow the dance long enough without action, the still small soul voice inside bubbles up real truth and constructive actions about my current situation.  Time and again simple journaling appears to be the best method of recording and releasing my fears.   I even burn them sometimes (kinda expensive to burn my Smartphone so I had to switch back to paper).

STOP! Wait a minute here George that is not a productive societal culturally endorsed method of dealing with Anxiety!

Stopping? Sitting?  BREATHING? into your anxiety without action until you hear a calm clear message from your soul?… THEN??? take action?

Yes.

As I delve deeper, releasing my soul’s art inside out, like I’ve always dreamed of, it has re-triggered the usual list of anxiety monsters designed to shut me down.

I deal with my anxiety demons as calmly as I can.  I do my best to create an ongoing nurturing compassionate environment of internal and external self-nurturing.  I purposely establish habits, routines, environments, and schedules to deal with my insides, as compassionately and completely as I can in the real time moments of being triggered.

Oh hog wash what a bother, what about XYZ of in completes?(oh hello anxiety, guess what, it wasn’t all done before I arrived on earth and it certainly wont be fore I depart)

bReathing, again…

gEorge








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