Involution

31 03 2010

Today I declare my involution.  For years I’ve been excellent at playing the role of speaking acting out against injustice and stupidity(my own as well as others).  I’m bored with that.  For years I’ve been good at changing jobs, friends, places to live, etc.(rearranging the chairs on titanics.)

I’ve been in my current job/career/companies, twelve years.  I love my “life” outside of work and all in roads I’ve made into learning/sharing/teaching my passion for bipolar journey.

So I am at a turning point.  I’ve done management, no thanks, I’ve rebelled against management, bored, I’ve changed management, done that.  So I’m staying for now.  I want more peace and continuity with my job.  I want to get up do my routine be peaceful go to work and be in as much peace as I can, the good groovy vibration as long as I can.  It’s the good stuff, I’m a good stuff junkie, therefore I shall create manifest more.

So instead of charismatically convincing people one way or the other(which when I am “on” I can pretty much convince most people  to want many things) ie, revolution with the current level of stupidity in my current companies management policies,

I declare an involution.  What next level in me do I need to tackle next, what baby steps in me and my behavior and attitude energy can I shift to altar my experience and perception to the point that I am mentally free irregardess of the immature stupidity occurring in me and around me.

This is where my head spin rage lead me to today, where have I been, where am I done, what do I want/need to focus on create next.  Which part of my life do I wish to create altar make juicier next?

Peace,

Good night, Sleep loose,

George





Bipolar Rage, Happy this.

29 03 2010

It’s daze like today, the bewildering aspects of bipolar-disorder could easily lead me to medication.

It’s days like today, my years of experience with bipolar journey, doing everything holistically I can to ride the monster, and knowledge that this too shall soon pass, that keep my body free of chemicals, and allow me to discover the spiritual lessons and triggers that are causing this rage.  Split seconds here and there I’m gaining clues as to what set me off, and what I can do about it.  It’s also having lots of compassion for my high speed mind today, to know I just need to take some mental notes like these so that when I do calm down slow down enough I can reevaluate, what’s really, really going on.

I woke up refreshed did my daily routine, yoga, meditation(it was deep and wonderful today), cup of tea, walked to work.

1 hr later, I am in a rage(so far interally, no verbal or email bursts with permanent damage).

It’s one of those but for the grace of God daze.  With a little more prodding or lack of grace, my audio circuit(voice) and or fingers(emails) could get me into a lot of trouble.

Humorously I call this male pms.

So George what are you doing about it?????

Breathing, rage spin cycle between ears.  Fully appreciating friends that are calling and interrupting my head spin cycle.

Ok that’s great George, what else can you do.

Drink more water, stomp my feet, go for a walk outside, rearrange schedule a little for work stuff with less people, good good good,

NOW, George, go do it.

still here?

I hear ya buddy, it’s just not an easy day is it?

It’s ok.  You’ve made it to half time(noon).  Now we can carefully design this afternoon to the best of our ability, take lots of breaks, turn off the computer, phone, and just focus on hands working on something outside.

My key for success with bipolar and a job today:

Flexibility in schedule and skill set with hands, vital.

Peace,

Thank you for the hugs today,

George





Thillyness

27 03 2010

I feelthh, goofyness.  YUPS, it’s the giddy time of the month.  Issues aren’t bothering me, work has been easy, I’m laughing, verbose, and dancing through the negativity.  I’m positively jolly.

I’ve observed my inhibition word editor in my brain is not paying a whole lot of attention.  I really wasn’t that interested in paying attention while I drove yesterday.(no worries, I’ll get really grounded before I drive today, or I’ll find an excuse not to drive and enjoy the inner bliss instead)

The joy of relaxing a little to be in the first stages of an upswing, and be able to pay attention enough to know, at some point soon, extra grounding exercises would be a good idea.

For the moment I’m joyfully happy, hopeful, and somewhat still calm.

Thank God for moments like this with bipolar where all is well and my highs and lows aren’t getting me into trouble.

Thank God I know the signs of when to slow down or speed up to get around the swings when they come surging through.

Thank God for the ease I feel in this silly moment, and all the smiles from people who can enjoy moments of levity from a goofy nut like me when I want to wag my tail and talk funny, even if I am “working”.

Tickles,

George





Toad verses Wolfpack

26 03 2010

“…the person who is most connected to Source energy will prevail to achieve a positive result.” Alan Cohen, A Daily Dose of Sanity.  March 26.

I dare say in moments like this, serenity is becoming my norm, deep relaxing peace.  My ocean waves sound machine, a good nights sleep, my favorite tea, and a moment to write a blurb.  Today is a day I will enjoy deeply, and fill my inner coffers with relaxation.  I’ll be walking around doing things, but I don’t feel any monsters clamoring to get out.

My “buddies”, must have noticed that I came to the worksite a bit off kilter from my recent class, and they have done their best to dig under my skin, but the affect of the last year of withdrawing myself from the human wolf pack has kicked in.

How awesome is that?  About a year or so ago, I observed how uncomfortable it felt inside me to have people tease me and try to get under my skin.  I no longer wanted this experience in my life.  So first I noticed how I teased others.

I was resistant to withdraw my claws and fangs from verbally goading others.  Then I observed it wasn’t everyone, just a few of us that continually practiced on each other and it occasionally spilled out on to innocent bystanders.

So I named it the wolf pack, and began withdrawing, physically removing myself or being quiet in the presence of the “games”.

And recently, they now call me a toad.  I just sit and smile or ignore them.

Yesterday one came by and said, “I heard you have a new nickname now, it’s___,” It was derogatory, and I just smiled and said, “it’s so nice to know I have a fan club concerned about updating my nicknames.”

The energy dissipated, and I just hopped along as a happy toad.

RRRRRibit,

George





Work Joy

25 03 2010

“When your work proceeds from joy, you are infinitely more helpful to those you serve,” Alan Cohen, A Daily Dose of Sanity, March 25.

I get a quiet joy from working with my hands and mind in an intuitive way to help people communicate.  In “reality”, I’m the phone guy/electronics geek.  On another level, I have a deep trust of guidance from spirit, going with the flow, and being able to see when someone spills coffee on his or her phone or radio, it’s not just that the device was thirsty; the human might be as well.  One of my joys of being bipolar in the work place exists on many levels simultaneously.  On one level I know how to fix the phone and program any changes if needed.  On another level, because of my inner swings and constant need of awareness in order to be functional and not have a blow out (like I did last week), I am usually able to perceive when someone is under duress more than usual and may just need a human to be present with them for a moment.  Often I’ll show up to fix a phone or radio, and just listen.  Maybe there is something to say, maybe just carefully listen.  I love this about my job.   I get to check in with just about everyone in my little “tribe”, and have excuses to linger for a moment if they aren’t in balance.

This is an inner joy I’ve discovered and love cultivating with bipolar.  I experience this as part of the opportunity bipolar is for our small groups that we live in.  We aren’t professional counselors, but we are skilled in being present, and able to have compassion, because of our need to pay attention to where we are inside ourselves.

Joy in the work place, can sometimes come from within, in the way we interact with our coworkers.

Hearing stillness,

George





An Alan Moment

23 03 2010

“If something can be done, I can do it.” Alan Cohen, A Daily Dose of Sanity.  March 23rd.

When in doubt, refer to step A.  (by the way this is a note to self blog)(I had several blowouts over the last week with a teacher in a class)(when in doubt I refer to the root of my spiritual path, books)(favorite Author, teacher, friend, coach, confidant=Alan Cohen)

I was a total jerk for the last 4 days.  I blew my cool, yelled, felt like an idiot, and repeated the cycle.

The good news is, I’m not currently delusional about my spiritual status.  I’ve obviously uncovered another layer of my onion that needs a healin.

As my claws begin to retract and my horns slide back into my skull and my dragon flame words begin to reside, I comfort myself with reading my teachers words.

It never ceases to amaze me, how fast Alan can cut through my crap, and help me feel better about myself, and focus on the solution.

The bottom line is, I’m scared, and I took it out on someone else in the form of anger.  Someone who was actually trying to help.  Albiet I didn’t agree with his methods, yet honestly, the guy wouldn’t be trying to teach me new skills if he wasn’t interested in helping me get through this transition in my life.

It’s amazing how uncomfortable I feel in my body after I’ve had a blow out.   I know I need to sort out a bit more what really happened.  Open my mind and heart to gain perspective, and reconnect with the instructor in a way which can rebuild the relationship.  If I don’t do this, A) I will always feel uncomfortable about this memory.  B) It will just be more fuel for dragon words next time I erupt.  C)I’ll miss the good stuff from looking inside to figure out really why I erupted.  No matter how many times I point my finger at him, it’s really 3 pointed back at some part of me, I ain’t willing to accept or deal with yet.

So I read and ponder Alan’s words today, and know, I can do this.  I can look in my heart and sort out this funky energy to do my part in repairing a currently difficult working relationship, I can overcome my fears in a new career.  I can overcome this manic/anger swing, and get on with my most of the time peaceful life.

This is how I live bipolar, a day at a time.  This is how I recover from blowouts, before they drive me into a manic rage, or avoidance depression.  I capture the little things as they happen, and do my best to quickly speak/write my real truth until harmony is once again present.

Some people I’ve raged at over the years, are not open to reconnecting, that’s ok, as long as I am willing, my energy remains positive and free to focus on being peaceful in my life, and doing my best not to create future circumstances in which I erupt in.

Thank God for teachers like Alan Cohen that help me find my way back to peace inside when I am ready.

Breathing,

George





OOOPS! OH well, restart.

22 03 2010

Hey George, READ YOUR BLOG, and follow directions.  ?  YES YOU GEORGE.

?

Remember, coping tool, RRRRRibit.

yeah.

did you???

OH.

OOOOPS!

I had a blow out yesterday.  At the end of the day I reread my blog about just being a toad, and laughed till I cried because I did the exact opposite.  I took insult after condescending insult from my instructor until I blew up in his face.  He finally found and crossed a line in me I was no longer willing to tolerate and be bigger than.

So, with bipolar when I have a blow out.  It’s good old fashioned paper and pen journal time.  I like to call them after action reports.

on page 35 in my book “Living Out of Darkness-a personal journey of embracing the bipolar opportunity.”

I wrote, “it is very helpful to have a written reference in our own hand to go back to and try to figure out what happened.”

What I’ve figured out, is that I am scared.  I have a lot of stability in my life, and I’ve thoroughly enjoyed the career that I have because of the mental challenge, and lots of quiet time in between the action moments.

This time is over, and if I wish to continue with this company, I need to use less of my brain, and more of my body, in an environment I don’t feel comfortable in.

Yes, I could get a new job.  And, I feel so closely connected with my passion of sharing what I learn about my bipolar journey, I wish to linger as long as I can so I can nurture and grow my passion into a potential dream of being financially supported while full time sharing, living in my passion.

Because I am a dreamer.  Because I have lived so much in high states of mind, and survived low states to know the value of living what I am right now.  I am able to keep putting one foot in front of the other, and learn things that scare me.  My current job helped me to realize how smart I was, and how capable I was in figuring things out.  Now I get to learn how brave and physically skilled I can become.

Thank God for my daily routine today, of getting up and walking even when I didn’t want to.  Writing to help sort my brain out(thanks for listening), and reading positive spiritual literature to feed my brain something else besides obsession about my worries.

Thank God I am bipolar, and have dream of continuing to share my passion for it.

Thanks God, for all the people in my life that know the good that I am, regardless of all the other silliness I get involved in.

peace, hugs,

George





Toad Talk

21 03 2010

Vrrrrrooom.  Vrrrrrroooom.  Uh, oh.  I know what thiiis, means.  Someone’s little brother inside has awoken and decided to provide and audio/written sound WEEEEEE,  WEEEEEEE, WEEEEE(siren)  track for this blog.  Good morning Wally(my happy inner kiddo)  how was(RRRRRVVVVROOOOOMSSSSSS)(I think that was a jet flying over we are near the airport).  I’ll continue with the blog.  Please enjoy my little bro’s input. Raaaaaa,,RRRRRAaaaaaa(snowmachine on the river)(it’s Frozen)

Anyway,

One of my bosses gave me a very important lesson after one of my first encounters with corporate stupidity.  He said be a duck just let the water flow off your back(Quack Quack Quack) ok Wally thank you for sharing that was a good one(no there are not any ducks here).

So immediately I starting quacking like a duck every time the big wigs would pass down a rush rush job we busted our butts to do, and then they wouldn’t use what we built.  Instead of being pissed off, I started Quack Quack Quack, yes Wally that’s right.  In fact I had so much fun with this at work(I discovered I couldn’t get fired cussing someone out in Donald Duck talk) that I turned the job over to my CFO(chief fun officer) who has made his present’s known todayQUACK< VROOOOM<VRRRRWEEEEE(different snow machine)

Ok.

So, on todays walk to clear my brain of fear when I woke up, I discovered a new sound, I can do.  In the last year or so I let myself see wolf packs of humans.  IE, groups of “buddies”  usually men, that like to cut and slash each other verbally until one of them gets pissed off and blows his stack.  I realized I didn’t want to run with this mentality anymore so I have circled away from the pack.

Yesterday, while sitting in class with a bunch of wolf/human/”buddy”/coworkers, someone tempted me to bite and snarl back.  Instead I just calmly looked at him and relaxed.

He called me a toad. ok Wally now it’s your turn, thanks for holding off on all the barks woofs and growwwls.Riiibit, RRRRRibt.  RrRRRRibit.  Good one’s Wally I’m glad you are helping me today.

Yep,

you guessed it.

My coping technique for today:

When I feel attacked, I’ll react like a toad.  RRRRRRibit.  RRRRRibit.

smiling, hugging my inner happy kiddo little bro,

George, AND WAAALLY





Learning….FUun, right?

20 03 2010

Patting myself on the back for being a great voice of advocating what works and doesn’t work for me.  Laughing at myself for taking on an instructor that’s been in the field longer than I’ve been alive.  Scared because the career I’ve had for twelve years is disappearing.  Resistant to learning the new field they want me to go into because I feel no natural inclination or ability.  Spinning in small world fear.  Working towards big picture relief.  And a million other voices running around in my head.

Ok George, Choice time:  Lie here in bed and watch the brain spin cycle, or get up, put on every warm item I have, and go walk in the cold for 30 mins.

I am up and out the door.

Still scared but now I have fresh oxygen in my body, and experienced a few moments of less fear, and a few laughs when I realized I’m like a little guy doing the dog paddle between to huge super tankers.  On one side career is changing(dang it), on the other side my passion of gently allowing my positive message to grow by word of mouth, and being happy with the outcomes.(I don’t wish to submit to a career I have no passion or interest for, I don’t want to sell my soul to business in promoting or selling a product I may think is good but in the process become a stressed out marketed person).

Anyway.

Learning, growing, groaning, laughing at myself, and grateful.

My pressure relief valve for all of this was thinking about all the blogs I could write about bipolar, and making excellent food choices this week, and steering clear of coffee.

I’m in an environment that I could easily have major blowouts in all week.  I’m not exactly being a good and complacent little student, but I don’t think I’ve crossed the line yet.  Gee George, ya might want to slow down, that was just the first day.  OOPS! Hee hee.

Laughing again at myself,

George





Grumpyville or NewGeorge

19 03 2010

I am in a town, a remote town, in which I lived for 7 years as a very unhappy person.  I’m back here for a week taking a class for work.  When I slipped off the plane, got a car and began driving, I felt my shoulders hunch, my mouth snarl, and negative thoughts starting spewing around about how much I used to hate this place.  Kind of like a forgone conclusion that this place is horrible, it’s culturally acceptable to be a grouch therefore I am completely justified in being my old grumpy George.

Fortunately, new george was whispering in the back of my mind, “is this me?”  Do I recognize my current thoughts?  Is this really the way things are here?  What’s really going on?

Much to my surprise I had two pleasant interactions with people.  It puzzled me because this time of year most people have cabin fever big time, and shortness is the common accepted norm.  Later on I was driving around with my buddy I haven’t seen in a long time.  He was happy, I was the grouch???  I am living an awesome life in a warm state nice house close to the beach, and this guy is living here, and happy????

Watching my negativity between my ears all day I realized this could be a veeeeeery long week, or,

New George could take over and focus on all the positives.  I have access to a nice hot tub(sheds the cold), I get to hang out with buddies I haven’t seen in awhile(and they appear to be swell), and thank God it’s not as cold as it could be.  I also have much more food and entertainment options than I would with my normal work routine.

Sooooo, New George says phewy to grumpy george(after thanking him for sharing and giving him a hug)

HI,

George








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