Forever Home…

30 05 2011

I’m not sure if this blog will have anything to do with those two words, I just like them, and I just discovered them used together.  It turns out there is a whole tribe of people on this planet dedicated to saving dogs.  HOW FRIGGIN COOL IS THAT!???

Ok ok my country hick rural Alaskan boy roots are showing here but really?  Really?  people can make a career out of saving dogs and not have to be super smart vets?  DANG it.  Where were they at the job fair we didn’t have at my don’t blink little town back in the ‘80s???

The good news is this.  It’s real simple.

Are you bipolar?


Do you love dogs?



This is not a test question or option.  This is a requirement.  Period. NO exceptions.

Forever HOME…

Do you know what this means?

A home that a rescued dog goes to, forever.  Wow.  Let’s just take in the significance of that.  Imagine you are a dog.  Abandoned.  Hungry alone and tired, or locked up in a pound, and ya ain’t pretty, lovable, out going or XYZ enough for a family to fall in love with.  And guess what? The clock is ticking.  Option A) they take you into a room, and you take a permanent nap.

Obtion B) a human comes along and takes you to a sanctuary until a forever family shows up. Or you can live your life well cared for until you cross what they call the rainbow bridge.

If you ever get to a place called Angels Rest, I guarantee, your energy field and perspective of what good humans can do, will forever change.

Ok, I’m going to cry now.  Yes I have a huge heart for dogs.  They were my first language, best buddies, and they are non verbal.  The more time I learn from being bipolar, the more I learn how verbosity is definitely a phase or part of the cycle, but I wouldn’t call it the most productive, serene, or enjoyable.  In wordy times I need to be on constant guard because of social interaction.  Our cultures ability to think, much less act or be completely unaware of the box is limited.  I’m convinced because of my free roaming successful organic bipolar self supporting lifestyle, that even if society were able to some how entice me into a box, I would find it extremely entertaining, and enjoy the opportunity for solitude and serenity.  It is the benefit of allowing oneself to learn how to be successfully bipolar.  How to create solo renewal time, how to dance with people, and not become trauma, drama, or discarded.  It’s tricky, yet it can be successful over time.

Anyway, back to dogs.  THEY GET IT!  They are non verbal, love, and touch.  PERIOD.  They have personality needs wants desires, and are great conversationalists and teachers in the non verbal world.

I salute the mission, of the Best Friends Animal Sanctuary,

“that every dog can find a forever home”

I pray that one day every bipolar person, can succeed dancing in their own mind and life, in a healthy cycle of thriving with their numerous gifts, talents, and awareness.

Homework assignment:




Lighthouse Recovery

26 05 2011

“Be the lighthouse not the rescue boat”

“Do I wish to dwell in my mental swamp at work, or regain the serenity of my inner light house?”

Two weeks off, I’m in bliss, ignorant again to the wiles of working people, round one.

I’m peaceful.

I go to 6:30 am maintenance meeting.

It appears a sniper is present, delivers a shot to my ego/anger/resentment mind of past issues I attempted to steer the company around and lost.

The wolf pack senses blood and dives in, I feel rage, the meeting ends I mouth off briefly, get back to my office.


I was peaceful and very high.

I placed myself in a raw trigger happy environment.  with many longstanding energies and issues, my work tribe.

unexpectedly get triggered.

chemical reactions in my brain/ego go off.

unsucessfully defend and redirect, wolf pack pounces.

I extract.

I seek cave/office, have a moment to check in before next situation occurrs.

after a few minutes, I am able to calm down a minute, and realize it was my ego angry easily offended mind that engaged with impossible odds, group dynamics, and long standing issues.  Even though I am the subject matter expert on the technical issue discussed, they were not smart enough to understand, instead they preferred to belittle and attack.

I drop a bit deeper.  Why am I here?

To support my creative endeavors.

I drop a little deeper, I feel some peace.  I focus my energy and breathe on the bottom of my spine.  This is the source of my creativity peace joy and stillness.

I am in a high risk ego fear environment, If I can release being right, if I can release ego, if I can release and allow the chemical process in my body to reverse, I can once again enjoy my day.

If I can calm down, sing my current gig songs to myself, dwell in my future happy space(July Sundara Concert with my music tribe) revert to thoughts before the meeting event, I can recover this day.

If I allow myself to be the lighthouse of calm serenity in this male ego fear wolfpack of strangers.  I can enjoy my day.  If I allow myself to be present and honor every chemical ego reaction in me, not stuff, not deny, but allow and release, I can re-member who I really am.  Can I fix all of the technical design problems with my company’s industrial activities.  Nope.

Can I revert to who I really am, and be a peaceful soul to the younger men/new fathers, and soon to be married men.


Can I earn money to fill dog bowls.


I feel calmer.

I’m back in my lighthouse.

I’m listening to the waves wash away the rest of the chemicals of anger/frustration/ego/past resentments, in my body.

I look out the window it is a gourgeous day.

I felt vertical hot water and soap on my skin, I slept well, I ate oatmeal, I drank coffee, I’ve had a couple pleasant interactions, I’m remembering my jam session with my guitar last night, I feel the callouses on my fingertips from playing, and holding the guitar pick in my pocket thinking about tonights jam session after work, and remembering the hours I played with my band.

I begin to hear lyrics in my head, as I head out to my next class with egos bating and ready to pounce, maybe I can mellow thru this one.

Be your light,


Emotional Trawling

3 05 2011

Being able to feel the emotional weight of the world, the hopelessness of humanity, and sift thru the undigested scraps on the bottom of my ocean, is a powerful experience.  The owner’s manual I never received for my amazing extreme octave bipolar brain now includes a set of instructions indicating it’s ok to feel the weight of the world, and this too shall pass.

Wow!  Good info to know.  This too shall pass, no matter what it is.  For years I would let myself absorb emotional or mental hits from internal experience or those I felt connected with in whatever group I was currently interacting with.  But didn’t know how to take care of myself, and allow the experience to let go when it was time.  I would wallow in it for months or years before being able to surface again or an upswing would shoot me thru “normal”, and I’d feel so deprived of being happy and want to be alive again that I would keep on going into an ungrounded vision state before crashing burning, and repeating the cycle.  The unconscious, un-self-regulated, bipolar cycle can be brutal.

Whew!  Yes I’m grateful to live in/with a brain capable of many emotional/spiritual/mental octaves above and below the “normal” human experience, AND, I’m grateful for having personally written a plan in the form of a book, for how to be in these mental emotional states, and how to find my way back to calm when I’m ready and willing.

Today for instance, I’ve had enough of exploring the bottom of my emotional ocean, so as I took the time to write out my morning pages from the Artist Way course I realized, it’s time to pick up the dumbbells in my office and move them around a bit.  I need to put on my hardhat and walk around the yard a little more, drink more water, eat some veggies, and listen to music while I drive to my other worksite, and immerse my self into a work challenge.

I’m so grateful for not having being born into a receptive environment for bipolar, because I’ve been able to learn and share these things first hand.  I no longer am victim drowning in the sea of bipolar disorder; I’m a thriver, organically relishing the full spectrum experience of bipolar.  And if I had a magic wand today, I would get a copy of my book to people like Catherine Zeta Jones, and offer a hug of understanding, it can be so scary not knowing there are options, and yet there are people like myself who have found a way thru, and offer life rings to the willing for creating their own way to relative sanity.

Thank you for being who you are today, exactly as and how you show up.  We all need to be who we are so that the human experience is full and vital.



Fishbowl Wiggle

1 05 2011

Wiggle more.  Please burn or shred your script (preordained audio output files) today.

The society fishbowl we are in may be bigger than you think.  It has always puzzled me how easily it is to poke thru the invisible seemingly solid societal conformational barriers, and observe how grateful people are for the entertainment, yet unwilling to expose their non conformity and seeming contentment with masks/homogenized distractions (TV)(media)/and role (family/work) scripts.

Nope, not talking about major disruptions. I’m looking at creativity in your day, you’re everyday, is it truly satisfying to live in a rerun, or is it more satisfying to create/observe alternate perspective?

Wonderment/goofiness/warped perspectives, sharing the inner dares, while fulfilling societal role obligations, not causing harm, and providing ones food and shelter is possible.


As I woke today and was going thru my morning routine of listening in for soul expression, I overheard the TV’s, in co-workers rooms (the walls are thin)(I hope my meditating didn’t affect the TV. vibe too bad).

As I walked across the yard the pink before sunrise on the clouds above the mountains created pause, as I stood and took in the 360-degree mountain valley I work in, the cool fresh metallic after snow air filled my lungs, I’m grateful to be alive.

30 min later, morning shift change, I’m in a room full of people many of which got up and turned on the TV, and hurried across the yard.  Wow!

We both, woke and went to work.  I’m feeling relaxed and connected, the person next to me is upset about some detail from a big fancy wedding that happened somewhere on the planet.  ???

I walk across the yard to my shop to begin the days work, and once again am struck by the majesty of this valley and the sun beginning to work it’s way down the mountains while I hear the crunch of fresh snow beneath my boots, I’ve purged the morning meeting from my day and have relaxed again into the moment.

Two people, same day, same options, different outcomes.

This has always puzzled me, the pull to stay in the societal obligation concern flow, verses experiencing what is happening inside, and in ones local physical environment.



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