Inner Mess

31 01 2017

So much of mental health, is not about today. I’m a whiny little boy today. Wordless moody helpless one year old. I don’t like it. I just want to cry pout throw a temper tantrum or two break stuff, repeat, eat something, and then take a nap. Not much has changed for many of us. So mental health and functionality becomes managing these symptoms. I didn’t wake up on my day off today, expecting to get in a tissy fit with my bank, but I did. There is no financial concern or serious issues, I was just in a mood to get in a fight and I did. Now the more mature part of me feels like a shit, because I was not nice to people being paid to do their job which involved obeying rules and the laws of time and physics, what a bother. I couldn’t instantly fix a semi complicated online banking process, that I screwed up a month ago(or more), and decided today, this exact moment I was going to fix it. Hmmm. Yes, whiny crying explosive, aaarrgh.

I’m in a new layer of growth, and to be fully honest, I kind of like it. Life was getting very simple, routine, and calm. So I was open to the idea of writing another book, and the first month or so flowed easily. Gee, when I write about something I might grow??? How audacious is that? What do you mean I might stir up unresolved feeeeeeelings and issues and be a bit grumpy vulnerable out of sorts? What do you mean the big picture relaxed attitude might not jive with the minutia of daily details. Waa Waa.

So do I continue this disastrous trajectory of my day, or figure out how to change my own emotional diapers, again. Euu, smelly emotional crap, arrrgh. Ok. Fine. What??? WTF, do I have to do.

Why thanks for asking, how about sitting down and shutting up, and turning off your phone, closing your computer and… …no you idiot, not right this second, but I admire your willingness. So, finish writing your blog, close your computer, and SIT, silently, for 5 whole minutes, AAAAAAAA. Trust me, this is not the first time I’ve wrangled your emotions in, this will work. And no 5 whole minutes, in the middle of your week off will not cause the world to end, that’s barely a fraction of a tv episode you would rather numb out in on netflicks. In fact, if you dared to give me a whole 20 minutes, I could really get you on track to a better day, like. Hey, sit for 5 minutes, then write for 10, yeah, ok. Ready. Set. Sit.

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?Self Trust? WTF?!!!

7 01 2017

silverbhuddaSo I had a conversation with a friend the other day about bipolar and selt trust. My response WTF??? I have never trusted my uneditied self. My mind is way too open my boundaries have all been violated by myself and others, I have no trust at all whatsoever, and yet I do. Certain people certian times, situations, I trust. Faith in a Concious Flow greater then myself, yes. Absolutely no, can’t bullshit you there, I have experienced plenty of couch druel time when God was no where near a concept I could trust much less believe in.

So this bold suggestion from her that I could actually trust myself has got me in quite a diddle. A bit grumbly diddle I might add. WTF I could begin to trust myself? It feels like my entire life my mind has been suggesting and convincing me to do really stupid shit, as well as talk other people into it not to mention dwelling in thoughts of suicide from time to time, when I’ve given up hope.

I even brought up a classic example of mania at a retreat one time and she had the audacity to point out she was there, had fun, and would trust me again to go on the adventures we came up with. How dare people trust me. This is just a bizarre concept to me. I’m serious, I’m trying to be funny sarcastic and blow it off, or come up with some twist, but I’ve gotta sit down and think about this seriously for awhile. Am I trustworthy? I’ve invested so much of my life taming and riding the bipolar monkey brain on my shoulder, that I’ve never bothered to review what and if I’ve made any progess. In fact it wasn’t until recently I started observing and measuring the stimilus and response to and of situations that trigger me. This is what led me to my first clue, that I may indeed may not be actively bipolar anymore. Holy shit!!!

Is that even possible? What about the “experts”, what about what about what about, and is it possible that I haven’t been for a couple years even????

Shit! I was so wrapped up in my identity of being bipolar, I forgot to invent a new identity, what if all this crap I’ve been preaching and practising about spirituality and self-regulation and slow gradual improvement over time is paying off, and actually true?

WTF! Inspite of my language I have actually been pretty calm at home and work for awhile now. Slightly on the depressive side, yet very manageble and functional, no need for meds(which I’ve never taken), or missed obligations, moments of laughter, adventure and fun happening even.

hmmm, maybe bipolar behavior is just an Illusion?





Calming In

24 05 2016

IMG_7647Life goes on, and in, if I get out of my way. I’ve been in Hawaii for 10 days, and I’m feeling the shaka hang loose flow. How easy to forget in the mainland, how necessary to be in the groove of. I miss my home and life, and it will be even more enjoyable with a refreshed hang loose approach.

Shaka





Shift Happens!

21 05 2016

Shift Happened! At The Hapuna Beach Prince Hotel this week!

IMG_7694

Alan Cohen’s Advanced Life Coaching Tribe gathered and created a lot of shift.
Good Shift. We shifted up, downloaded gems from teachers all over the world, and shared our life coaching skill sets with each other from all walks of life and geographic locations on the planet. And what a place to experience teachings, renewal, and to practice the life coaching skill set.

I haven’t experienced anything like this in over 5 years, and let’s just say my spiritual batteries disintegrated a bit back, yet somehow got me signed up, through my mind ego fear long enough to show up and participate. And I am so grateful!

Hawaii has a tradition of cities of refuge, for me, any Alan Cohen retreat, especially on the island of Hawaii, is just that.

If you are struggling with your spiritual connection and life “opportunities”, I could never recommend enough the need to connect with a spiritual tribe, and the chance to develop skill sets and connections with like minded individuals.

I can assure you, I never done it perfectly, become enlightened, left the darkness behind, but I have All WAYS, no matter how lost I’ve become in life, found renewal and hope. At times I’ve stayed connected, at times I’ve drifted, each develops a strength.

The biggest shift I received this week, was hope. It was also that which I needed the most.

Thank you Alan, and thank you Alan’s Tribe, for helping me seep back into light, again.





Choosing Sanity

2 02 2016

?me, choose sanity?? but but i’m working up a good crazy here why would I calm down and choose sanity???

Yesterday I had a mini blow out at work. The preverbal help request call came from an offsite location for a type of instrument I haven’t worked on much which means learning curve yet I was covering an entirely different position because we have two people on a 6 position crew out on medical. And as usual management doesn’t back fill, and oil prices are low I don’t want to rock the boat, no no I can do it all yes sir no sir, 3rd shift in a row i’m in ops instead maintenance and BING!

My brain melts. I”m all about crisis management, it’s what I grew up in, how my brain developed, etc. DRAMA DRAMA DRAMA.

yuck

Fortunately, for many many years, I’ve been studying, and carefully practicing, applying;
… a very foreign concept at first.

SANITY.

YES, HELL YES…saner, yes please, thank you, breathe.

So I had my mini melt down, turned over my second set of job duties and went back to my regular job duties to begin catching up on the huge backlog.

and of course my brain decides i’m a horrible person because i’m not superman and can’t do everything because …..snip.

Finally, a calm inner voice of sanity kicks in.

Good Job George, you chose sanity today.

but but it didn’t feel sane when I did it. It was messy and uncomfortable.

yes, well your normal is crazy, and sanity sometimes feels really weird.

yet it happened. and hey guess what? today i am feeling calmer and more functional and not doing a crappy job covering two positions and quickly escalating to a bigger blow out.

wow.

You mean it is ok to back off and choose sanity?

yup.





Bubble Wrap

30 01 2016

Cavities occasionally yawn open in my emotions and the past overwhelms me. I’m constantly fascinated by so many things like brain plasticity studies positive parenting practices. Nature verse nurture, new age. As well as vacuuming stories from the media like a couple found star wars music calmed their baby. I also go thru long stretches with complete blissful internal ignorance. If I’m sleeping ok/good, and functioning in my daily life, I pretty much can forget their appears to be a bipolar wrecking ball in my head. So when I get deep into a functional “normal” groove, I forget my past, until a trigger arrives.

Bubble Wrap.

I gotta do a safety presentation at work tomorrow, and we recently had to tour a bunch of cubicle dwelling engineers-spatial genius/real life idiots thru our industrial multi life safety hazard work environment. Like grabbing their shoulder and pulling them back from a ladder when they suddenly decide to stop and take a note, 12 feet up, etc.

So I coined a new term for them. Bubble wrap specials, it will be the topic for the safety meeting.

Meanwhile, a calm moment going thru engineer manuals for an upcoming design review in their cubicle world next week, an emotional unhealed cavity erupted.

If I got nothing to say or write, I pretty much let life be.

But if something new stirs up, well, I’m bubbling it.

My experience with un healed past experiences, is to slow the roll, and feel it carefully, so as not to destroy my present good.

In the past, i’ve let the past toss the boat, blow up my day, make everyone(who is clueless) pay, etc.

So I felt it a bit, acknowledged oh yeah that’s a stinky mental emotional bomb, and bubbled it. Ok yeah, when my shift is done, the right moment arrives, I will ball my eyes out. I’ll come up with affirmations, gratitudes, reframes, the full meal deal.

What I don’t have to do, is shut everything down, blow everything out, cause mass chaos and compound the problem.

The reality is, my day is really good. I’m pretty lucky. I did survive a lot of darkness in my past, did it cause bipolar tendencies? Who knows. What matters is that my life is functional today, I am aware of how grateful I am, and I don’t have to keep destroying the fruit of my positive choices that have accumulated good things and experiences over time.

Today my tool for coping with ugliness is bubble wrap.





Goofy Gratitude

27 11 2015

IMG_6587A while back I strode into a bicycle store with the intention of acquiring a practical bike I had been obsessively researching online. I wished to have gears to take advantage of occasional tail winds and gentle hills for riding to and from the local market. As all good plans seem to evade me I open the store door and giggled. Next thing I knew I was astride a completely goofy unnecessary impractical bike. Thankfully my logical brain took over and acquired a practical bike and went about my business.

In cleaning out a garage closet this weekend, I giggled again. Somehow the practical bike, in pristine condition except for the copious amounts of dust, slightly dissembled, had been carefully and logically placed in a closet out of the way several years ago. Because I ride the goofy bike that makes me laugh every time I ride it, I think i’m really cool, and people smile.

Yup, I usefully purchased the practical bike, and left it in a closet, and have riden a thousand memories on the fun bike. Blew out a tire, soaked in salt water, mud and sand, taken it all over the state camping oh yeah!

I am grateful for all the amusing goofy bipolar people on this planet. You make me smile, and encourage me to seek amusement in all things.








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