Rile up, or breathe.

10 11 2016

water-dropFamiliar words. Family. Father. Work drama, ego fear mind drama. How easy it is to be riled how easy it is to rile.

I first learned it from my father. I remember observing the pattern as I got older. He stirs shit up then sucks the energy off. I started hating it. I labelled it unnecessary emotional bullshit. I was an old soul, and 9 earth years by that point, long being bitter sarcastic rebellious, angry.

What I didn’t know, was that I was learning these patterns to deal with low self esteem, physical energy, and the stress i felt from this. What I learned was that if I was ever scared, bored, low energy, feeling overwhelmed, I could just rile people up and watch the show.

What I didn’t know was these family bonds I connected with my father would not only make me easily manipulated, but also excellent at manipulating others.

Thank God it makes me feel very uncomfortable, and I’ve had a life long obsession for serenity and calmness, to create inside me and generate whenever possible around me.

Don’t get me wrong, I can go from calm to compost stirring jerk in a half second, just ask my long term coworkers and friends who really know me. What can I say, my training was excellent, and my ego loves to feel the illusion of power.

Fortunately, my soul and spirit cringe, it’s also taken many years to see these patterns in me, and begin to choose to be calm, breathe, walk away, any other means possible then to stir people up and watch the show, and listen to my ego find creative ways of justifying it.

Today I choose peace first, as much as I can, and compassion as soon as I can after an episode.

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