Why Journal/blog?

30 08 2009

“Believe it or not there is more room on the outside of our brains then there is on the inside.”

pg 31 of my book “Living Out Of Darkness,” by George Denslow.

For years I’ve journaled  “old school” style paper and pen.  Started when I was 16, working at a car wash trying to keep a roof over my head, food in my belly, and drag my butt through high school.  I was also initiating my drug habit.  Add a dose of teenage angst, and walla, the pages filled.  I shutter when I think of the dark times I struggled through.  I am grateful each day I take a moment to realize some grace was looking over me and kept me alive.

Even though I didn’t know it at the time, I was beginning a mental health history and developing awareness of my challenges.  Getting it out of my head, the good the bad the boring the inane and the ugly are all good.  If my head is spinning a broken record all day, it’s easy to keep the water muddy and not see below the surface.  Like today, I’m dancing around all over the place with no coherent thoughts that I can decifer yet.  But the longer I write the more I can sense an angst and a grief  looming.  I’m growing.  Yes I’m actually in the act of growing right now.  This step for me is huge, publish my inner ramblings on line instantly?  Talk about bipolar to whoever may listen?  Are you kidding me?  What if what I say is huge powerful and uplifting, what if people fall asleep?  The fact of showing our insides in a format we feel comfortable with, wether it be paper and pen, a text, twit, blog, or microphone keeps our minds flowing.  Because i’ve exposed today that I’m uncomfortable sharing unknown deep swirling feelings, will help me stay alert of a potential downward swing.  It would be easy to find an excuse to get angry dark moody, avoid people, find a cave and crawl in.  It would be easy to have my buttons pushed, get pissed off and storm out.  These dark and swirly days are good indicators if I allow myself a moment to sit, feel, and breathe, a healing insight is present.  Breathing is actually the tool I’ve used today so far to not get upset in my interactions with others.  I breathe in for a count of 4, hold for 4, and breathe out for 4.  I’ve been doing this for a couple hours now, when ever I remember.  I can tell that’s it’s helping.  Will I have a blow out today?  Will I have a huge insight?  Will I numb out and distract myself?  Time will tell, chances are since I’ve taken the cork off the bottle of my brain, and attempted to share my inner world of bipolar today, it will go much better then If I had just clammed up and avoided life.

May the divine giggle find a way into your grin today : >


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