Bipolar Rocket Science

10 01 2010

Yes Houston we have cleared for flight all systems functioning big ahh is being heard.  OHHH thank God mental phases pass.  Never ceases to amaze me how good my job is for me.  Bingo 2nd post of New Year and George has already lost it.  No seriously.  The routine of work is good for me.  I am completely open to retiring as a full time bum/speaker/blogger, yet and in between times, the discovery of a job I’m actually talented at and desire to get up early to do “spiritual” pushups, ie a little exe, Gi Gong, daily reader(with a positive focus), meditation.  I almost sprayed coffee again on a friend the other day when she said oh you are so spiritual and disciplined.  Hmm.  When a mental institution is in one corner of the ring, an alcohol and drug addiction which leads to cuddling up to dumpsters in another corner, and the ability to fly off the handle at any and all perceived idiots is in another corner, and behind door number 4;  Do these simple things everyday and you have a chance of being functional, and having preferred choice of activity on and off the job.  Uhh.  Hmm.  Walk around in a bathrobe and slippers behind bars, puking all over myself, yelling at anything, uh could you repeat option 4 please.  Yes, it’s called a daily routine.  Wakes up my body, mind, and spirit, and puts me on a path that leads to interacting in a semi sane way with most people and situations, and gradually leads me to improving the quality and options in my life.  Now add 20 years.  Nope, not disciplined and spiritual, just lazy.  I’ve discovered after much research in all corners of the ring, that taking care of myself, leads to a much lazier and enjoyable life.  Thank God for being bipolar today, so that I can cherish the simple and the profound gifts that have come to me from running from the dark results available with bipolar and into gifts which come from, spiritual practice.  KEY WORD HERE.  P-R-A-C-T-I-C-E.  What is it the black belts of 12 step say(I’m referring to the Al-Anon ers.)  Practice not perfection, raising a virtual toast to that one.  Which reminds me of an unmotivational poster I heard about yesterday that almost sprayed my second attempt at drinking coffee.  “Not all of us are capable of being astronauts, get over it”, well, fortunately for us bipolar types, we can rocket all around the place on and off demand at times, and when we teach ourself how to pilot our own minds in order to negotiate organic rhythms in our lives, then we too can see sights within beyond our wildest imaginations.

cruisin the good life,

George





Soul Happy

8 01 2010

Even though technically I’ve been depressed for a month, I wouldn’t trade it for a moment of bliss.  The stillness derived from the depths of patience with my inner soul openings continues to redefine my comprehension of capacity of peace within me, and deepen my loss of the definition of the word depression.

Was I active? Not much.  Did I think happy positive thoughts? Nope.  Did I sit and appreciate calm, stillness, opening to deeper previously untouched parts of me, YES.

Do I have any great plans, motions, insights, go forth go-all?s.  Only openess to the moment as it is.

Two words sum up this deep internal time of reflection(the beginning of my alternative definition for depression),

SOUL HAPPY.

that’s it.  that’s my mission statement for 2010.  In stark contrast to my 500 word essay last year detailing all the desires directions intentions of that moment in Jan 09.

How much can I let go this year, in order to let in.

Whether in solitude with benevolent spirit, or in the company of another human housed angel, how much in-to-me-see-allow, am I able to gently create?

How many extra moments in stillness am I willing to dwell in?

How deeper can my appreciation for simplicity grow?  Hot vertical water, warm tasty food, clean clothes, options for activity in day?

It was at the beginning of my bipolar journey many years ago that I embraced these simple things in life when self medicating through drugs and alcohol, and being institutionalized for 5 weeks at 17, took almost all of them away.

Now as I sit and reflect on my new definition of de-press-in)hmm, in clean clothes covering a clean body that has experienced hot vertical water and soap, tasty food, and deep sleep, all within the last 24 hours, I realize and renew again my commitment to being soul happy.

Having recently accomplished major life go-alls, and currently drifting in between guidance till next passion captures me, I’m allowing this year to be directed entirely by my soul, trusting allowing life to happen exactly as it is.  Letting the rush of excitment or need of my body energy lift me in and through each activity as it appears, whether it be feeling the warm water on my hands in the morning while cleaning last nights delicious meal off my white plates listening for the kettle to hum first cup gift from the Gods Kona coffee water is ready, or the warm feel of peace while exerting my feet on pedals after many miles on my bicycle, or the mutual nod of a travel companion become friend over the course of a casually initiated conversation amongst strangers.

This is my gift and gratitude of being naturally bipolar this last month, and being in a new year.  Able to see feel reflect deeply, and appreciate life that much more simply, because of my internal organic rhythms taking me away from comfortable mental states, and so deeply back into good life, in it’s most simplest and abundant form if I am willing to receive it’s whisper.

Happy New Year,

George Denslow

Jan 2010





Silly Season

16 12 2009

I peeks me head out and asks…is it over yet?

It’s been silly season time inside my head.  In the material world I have absolutely nothing to complain about.

In the other worlds in me, it’s been, …, interesting.

Overall I would rate the experience as good.

pg 20 in my book Living Out of Darkness, “It’s not important how many times I quit exercising, or how lazy I get.  What’s important is how many times I start again.”

same page “With Bipolar, we are going to have ups and downs.  The better we get at picking up after downs and focussing on what worked…”

Maybe I should just stop right here and read my book.  I’ve been ignoring it lately.

The uncomfortable times in bipolar can be difficult and baffling to walk through with those enjoying the gift as well as loved ones attempting to understand.

From the inside, for me, lately, it’s involved a lot of patience.  I haven’t been very willing to do the things I need to do to maintain an even keel or cheery attitude.  The insides have been a bit rapid cycling and bumpy.

And yet.

My holistic non medicated approach to bipolar all these years, when I’m on vacation(like I have been), sometimes I let it all hang out for a bit.  I let my mind and emotions wander, and see what they uncover and discover.  Sometimes it’s comfortable, sometimes not.

I have noticed my rawness lately hasn’t been nearly as hairy scary as that last time i took a vacation from “doing everything”.

I also notice a deeper, more satisfied peace, all the bugaboos, and ugliness my ego and mind tried to come with regarding how I was this or that in a negative light, have failed and faded.

I can’t help but think that some of the muck, attempting to cover up my light and mental stability, has evaporated a little bit more.

My tools for the day/last 3 weeks/or whenever it was I last blogged, have been patience(just sitting), and letting go(breathing), spending as much time as I can out doors, on my bike, driving somewhere.

The other day I was in a funk and needed to get stuff done to go back to work, and it was obivious two people were wandering around in different directions in my body, so I got on my bike in the sun to an excellent salad place, took my journal to write out priorities/clear out headspace/ and figure out what was most important to do next.

By the time I got back to the house I was more focussed for awhile.

To anyone else who may feeeeeel the silly season, as a mixed blessing, I’m with you.  We’ll get through this, and my favorite holiday is coming…A WHOLE NEW YEAR, Wow!

Blessings,

George





Triggered

19 11 2009

A couple days ago I successfully manifested an event that triggered me in a not so good way.  It was like I was running on 100% very functional brain power, and a present day physical/mental event shuttered me back into 40% brain power, very non-functioning mode.  It was really weird.  On one hand I was very familiar with walking through the fog half functioning, being bumped like a pinball through the events of the day and the current unavoidable tasks at hand, between moments I had to just sit a bit.  My mood dropped into negative, my positive faith was challenged, and I forgot my golden bipolar rule/suggestion, when I’m down.  Don’t look ahead or behind.  If my view is crappy in the present, chances are when I think about the past, or the future, then it is equally as negative or worse.  This is huge.   If I allow this to occur in my mind for very long, it snowballs into a negative life sucks nightmare, and can triggere a very negative direction.  I also noticed the sun dipping below the mountains, and not being up for very long, a second environmental factor to be aware of and pay attention too.  For this I got out my portable LED SAD light and turned it on for awhile to help with the light deficit.

Not only was I triggered into the past negative mental states, and wandering around a bit confused disorientated and lost, the physical environment was not being helpful either.  My number one tool, for helping me with bipolar the last couple days to get through and get back on track and steer my mind around a major episode opportunity, was to pick up my book, and read.  This is why I wrote my book about bipolar.  When I am in an extremely negative state, I forget the hard earned intelligence and awareness about being bipolar.  The passage that I remembered to read, was my one titled HELP!.  Which is located on page 56 of my book “Living Out Of Darkness”.  Even though I wasn’t feeling very positive or faithful, I remembered that if I physically got on my knees, and asked for help, that it had worked in the past many times, and somehow I would get through my mental fog, fullfill my obligations, and get through this experience.  I did.  Help wasn’t instant, but I got through 1 hr after another, very carefully.  Eventually I remembered, that when I’m negative or currently triggered, it’s not a good idea to make any decisions, that I can’t put off for atleast a week.  I can feel like crap, make a rash decision, take action, and be much worse off, if instead I can just focuss on the present, take care of myself as best I can, and chances are, things might get better soon, and then make decisions and take actions.

Thank God, for God.  Thank God, for grace.

My prayer through this time was “please protect me from myself”.  Even though I lose faith, feel unconnected, if I can intellectually re-member myself with positive physical actions, and reading words that have helped in the past, then so far, I’ve gotten through, with the help of grace, everything I’ve ever manifested in my life, whether it was initially positive or negative.

Today I’m thanking myself for writing a positive focussed book on bipolar, so that I can help myself be a successful bipolar person.

Peace,

George





Toolbox time.

24 10 2009

Once I know my feet are on earth or I’m slightly below the surface of the water and my mood starts to shift towards staring at the dark cave, I know it is decision time.  Gratefully I am able to be aware when this shift occurs.  Years of meditations, and many sucessfully failed experiements in completely ignoring what is really going on in my head.

So grumpy boy woke up today immediately said I no wanna, and would have prefered to stay under covers in an awesome fort.

I also observed upset at the newspaper(not a good thing to read on grumpy days, or ever), and eager particpation in the drama club lately.

Drama club?  It’s what I call the group that loves to discuss all the crap they feel victim to.  I’m a card carrying member.  They occur at break tables, water coolers, coffee rooms, you name it.  Cheese is usually served to go with the whine.

When I notice I’ve sought out, created, or otherwise manifested drama players in an agreement council, it is,

toolbox time.

Am I going to waddle around with my diaper full at my ankles crying about life.  Or am I going to put my big boy pants on and grab my toolbox of ideas, to help shift my mood.

hmmm.(we pause here and put on some game show music so the contestant(me) can decide which way this particular day is going to go)

… thank you for holding, we will now continue…

OK.

Creeeeek. (sound of tool box opening)

HEY LOOK, my fake it till I make it badge.  I flip it over on the back it says, paint on a smile, be enthusiastic, and fake it till I feel happy. Hmm, this is kind of a fun one and I remember lots of good results, oh what the heck I’ll try it.

OH Heck, my easy and brilliant badge fell off again, I know that one has been working very well lately, I’ll try it too.

So here I declare, How easy and BRILLIANT can this most awesome of days be?

OOOPs, I almost forgot(this is actually getting kind of fun), my gratitude list, dang I haven’t updated it yet today, WOW, I like this toolbox.

Ok ready set, I’m armed and ready to have a fun, day.

Off I go…

George





Bipolar Fears In Alaska

25 08 2009

Alaska is my summer playground.  It is a totally bipolar state.  24-hour daylight, places to go things to see, I play to my hearts content.  Blogs?  Internet?  Computer???  Sharing my experience with bipolar???  They all drift from my mind as I explore this great land in my truck/portable cabin, I run like a happy dog sniffing out all the sites, the people, and the stunning landscapes that stop me in my tracks and cause a spiritual eruption.  Yes, Alaska in the summer is often that good.  My biggest challenges with bipolar in the summer here is to get enough sleep.   When I get grumpy I know it’s time to find or make a dark room, and lay my body down for a while.  It’s also easy to wonder why my tummy is growling at 10pm and discover, food?  Hmm.

Now it’s fall.  Huh?  It is only August.  Yep.  Northern Alaska changes fast.  There was frost on my windshield the other day.  Now is a tricky time for bipolar.  This is how I negotiate through this season.  My first step is acknowledging it.  Summer is an easy happy time, and I’m sad to see it go.  So this is where gratitude and looking for the good kicks in.  It is a good time for me to check on my daily routine.  Gently waking, getting on my knees, thanking spirit for this day, tai chi, and a moment to sit.

Today I woke up with huge fears.  OMG I’ve got so much to do I’ve ignored all summer fall is here things are busy AAAAAg.  It’s what I call a train wreck.  So I got out of my bed, and did my routine anyway.  Did it take away all the fear?  Nope.  But after distracting myself for a few hours, and circling back through my daily books, I focused on what was my biggest fear of the moment.  And now I’m writing. YEAH!!!  Victory.  Why?  Because I could easily have curled up in a ball in my bed this morning and initiated a huge downer.

So as the seasons change so rapidly here, I find myself on high alert for subtle changes and triggers in me.  How’s my attitude?  How’s my regular, food, exercise, water intake etc.  Vigilance is important to keep my mind open to gratitude, identifying my fears, and tackling them.  This keeps me moving through these transitional times.  They also set me up for the fall season, which is a blast already.  Because I’ve allowed myself a healthy daily routine for years, I now have many super huge dreams and experiences lined out for a fun fall season.

This is why I am grateful today to be bipolar, and embrace it for what it is.  Today it was a motivator to take care of myself, no matter how dark, negative, and grumpy I wanted to be.

May the smells of this day liven your soul, and the sites of the weather intrigue your spirit.








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