What if?

16 11 2010

I felt a chunk of my inner iceberg melt the other day.

What if I’m actually a peaceful still person and always have been?

What if people really have seen the inner me reflect through my inner darkness?

What if the extreme swings inside me are just a defensive mental reaction to compensate for the illusion of scarcity?

What if my bursts of anger are actually a surge of injustice when my outer world has not reflected my inner world of peace and stillness?

What if my last two years of sitting in stillness whenever possible has actually rebooted the being that I am?

What if I at last I can be the me that I am?

What if it is possible to relax into what I naturally am, a person obsessed with stillness, allowing the threads of peace to weave thru me, seeping into the ahh of inner soul connection expression?

What if I am the person I always immerge from my caves as, a positive minded happy soul?

What if all the crap I’ve created in my life, is just a reflection of the illusion of scarcity and chaos I’ve let myself collapse into in times of overwhelm?

What if I allow myself to continue this path of stillness and joy?

What if I could receive from this place of inner being, what if I could be rewarded for dwelling here, hearing the threads of peace re weave as needed?  What if I were truly able to let go of those I allow to trigger me, or I allow to suck the light out of me, or allow to be chaos long enough that I believe in their current illusion and make it my own?

What if I’m actually a functional being of stillness, light and joy, as naturally as breathing?

What if I’ve always been this way?

What if life truly is this easy?

What if this journey to my stillness, is the strength I desire to be stillness?

What if my distractions from inner peace have actually been this huge map of life and all the dressed up versions of illusions have led me back to the place I chose first as a child?

What if my intimate familiarity with all the illusion rides of scarcity in life have led me to be an inner peace guide?

What if bipolar is a very inclusive ride, to learn about ADD, PTSD, Depression, mania, etc etc etc, so that I could teach stillness from the inside out for the rest of my life in the ease of being me?

What if this huge illusion of bipolar disorder, manic depression, is just a childhood brain adjustment for dealing with vision and empathy of better times, created by an active imagination?

What if all the ways out of my inner hell, are all the ways I can teach anyone interested in their ease, with any size of bump or vision, become again who they really already are?

What if?


Seed Speed

8 11 2010

Lately I’ve been giving myself a lot of shit lately about my speed.  If I’m so blah blah blah, than why am I not XYZ.  Breathe, George, breathe.  Ahh, better, I’ve been having one of those mornings.

So that’s nice George what have you been being about it and why are you sharing this?

Because by allowing myself to be in the dark side of my moon mind, and allowing myself to be authentically growling while growing through the motions of being “spiritual”, drinking coffee(I consider 100% Kona coffee consumption a sacred time honored ritual), writing in journal all the crap floating in my head(ok so maybe falling asleep having the current drama tv show staring at me is not “spiritual”), and reading this new awesome book in my life, Spiritual Currency, by Fred Chui, breathe(apologies for run on mind flow sentences)(I’m getting to the point here).  Because of the dark side of my moon this morning, I’m arriving at an okness about me.  This is my gift to myself for allowing my current “real self” and “spiritual self” attempt to communicate with each other this AM.

After further spiritual study and the usual OMG I’ve done it all wrong self-judgment phase filtered thru I was able to soothe myself from my “spiritual” studies by playing guitar for awhile (probably the most spiritual thing I’ve done today).

I was still physically anxious and active so I tripped over my dumbbells and since I was feeling like one I decided to lift them for awhile, and then I got distracted by a mess on my paperwork table and saw an image of a treasure map idea to put on my treasure map wall(I’ve given up on small pieces of cardboard artistically arranged pieces of art) I just see image; copy, cut or rip, staple, WHAM, wall.  ADD?, yes.



I’m using a wall, large wall, one of many, to create a treasure map.  (Basic prosperity exercise, collect images you desire or uplift you of activities, things, and or experiences you would like to manifest, and create a collage to look at and help you create what you want next in your life.)

Let’s back track here.

15 years ago I was using the dashboard of my residency for a treasure map/altar of my “studio” while going through the Artist Way with Julie Cameron.  It was a 1983 used dodge colt hatchback (very small compact car).

Now I’m using a wall.

It would appear the inside of my seed.(living space representing inside of my head), is bigger.

If following the prosperity principles while living in a tiny car, have lead to living in a huge space, than maybe this stuff is real.

Maybe I’m not in the ideal soul flow I want to be in, but thank God I’m not satisfied yet, and I’m striving for more.  Maybe my seed is not speeding along and accomplishing like I think I should, maybe my life is happening exactly as it needs to.

Even if I haven’t manifested the “perfect” income source, at least I’ve manifested income.  Maybe I haven’t learned bipolar financial management, but at least I’m still willing to be in the game.  (I still get to be my own attendant/patient/manager of my own asylum/home/life)

Maybe life is not about the speed of my seed, maybe life is about laughing at my ridiculousness, and enjoying what is, with a delicious cup of Kona.

Thank you universe for the current lessons I’m obsessing about, and the physical comfort and lifestyle I get to dance it with.




Vision Calling

30 10 2010

We now interrupt our regular programming to let you know about visions.  It is vital.  End of message.  Did you “get” it?

Recently I’ve been dancing with body healing opportunities in my life, and living the “IF” question.  If you only had…  Fortunately it was only my mind and not my physical body that was convinced something disastrous was happening.  But it worked.  My mind freaking out really rebooted my vision.  My mind freaking out really rebooted my spiritual practices.  My mind freaking out really rebooted all the important questions in life.  Who am I?  What am I being?  Why?

Thank LOVE.  (I’ve connected with some really cool people on my healing journey as of late and decided to call the concept we know and refer to as GOD, back to what I see as a more true and original word of the concept; LOVE.)

Where was I?

Thank LOVE(GOD).  That my mind has been busy freakin out over turning rocks cleaning dusty corners and motivating me to re-deepen my well examined life.

And guess what?

I’m a dreamer, a visionary, an artist, a poet, and a believer in good possibilities.  I gotta say this feeeeels soooo good.  For many years a primary question in my day and re-focal point has been.  If I only had 10 minutes today, what is the most important thing I can focus on?

With this focus point of 10 minutes, I’ve been able to connect with and work on my visions, and bring a few to reality such as my book; Living Out Of Darkness.  I share with you now how incredibly comforting it is to face potential physical scenarios in ones life, and know, hold in hand, an accomplished reason for one’s existence, and a sense of relief for having fulfilled vision calling.

How dare I for so many years challenge the beliefs around bipolar disorder and manic depression, how dare I collect my discoveries, trials, and joys in a book? How dare I build my own field of dreams with my resources to hack a path through the jungle of darkness in my own mind, so that those who may be curious if there is another way, they can laugh, cry, and hope they might find a way as well?

How dare I not?

Visions are vital.  10 minutes a day on my current vision focal point are as necessary as breathing for me.  My ten minutes are the most sacred of my day because they keep offering up my insides out, and appear to keep affecting and creating in my life the most good, and the most sincere rewarding connection with others.

Please, please, please, share your visions with us.  Visions light our souls, and connect our souls.  Visions brighten our day, and improve the quality of life for those who follow.

And if you have no vision, please know I pray with you, and beg you to give yourself 10 minutes a day of sacred time and space in your life to sit and listen to your soul until your body leaps into action from an irresistible urge to LIVE.

Luv yous,


Dark Light Dance

26 10 2010

I came from dark tribe

When I was first seen by light angels I did not like or understand them.  I barked, growled, and hissed.

Light spirits in the form of humans verbally or non; teased, danced, played, encouraged, witnessed, sat still with, and sometimes walked away.

It was effective, very effective, for me.

The sucking energy sound when my dark illusion turned a light being away on their journey not to return cried my light hidden in my darkness back to life,

Oh no don’t go, I’m sorry…

I’m lost again.

No longer as smug with my darkness so well learned.

Abundant grace offers another light being, I pay more attention, I grow, dance a little, smile some,

angels leave again,

I cry light tears of joy in gratitude for the moment of light I felt even though my growls may have scared them away.

Finally I learn enough to not wait for another light angel, but to begin being a light angel for others,

One day I discovered I wasn’t the darkest energy in the sphere of my influence, I observe someone not as light as I currently am I shine my light, grin my ears, flap my weak angel wings…

And the miracle happens,

The darker one than me grins,

We feel lighter and freer,

Many light/dark day journeys have now led me to a truth,

My light dance is my freedom.

Deep breath,


Happiness Now

13 08 2010

“How could you find your happiness now by either shifting your attitude or doing more of what you love?”  Alan Cohen, A Daily Dose Of Sanity, July 26.

I think I’ve found a cure for my boss problem.  I’m paying less attention.  For years I’ve struggled with a harassment style micro manager, and I’ve let it take away from my work experience.  Because I enjoy my craft, the environment I work in, and the time off and money is great, I’ve been reluctant to leave, just because of him.   This summer I decided to spend as much time as I could outside with my body in the elements whatever they are.  Even if it’s a late shift or very long day, I’ve insisted on going outside for a bit to release the day in some way.

Today, I’ve noticed that the headspace I leased for obsessing about my boss (even when I’m not interacting with him) has shrunk considerably.  In fact I would dare say, I’ve become happy again at work, which I was for many years before he ever arrived.  This dumbfounds me because of how worked up I was about another’s behavior, yet a simple shift on my part altered everything.  Instead of giving up all the aspects I enjoy, I focused on them even more.  Wow, lucky me for sticking it out, and allowing the happiness to become more now.



Wired for Joy

7 08 2010

I used to judge myself a lot for being uncomfortable for not thinking like everyone else.  I didn’t react or act like a majority of the people around me when it came to basic situations in life.  I hardly ever agreed with the crowd and was usually in some form of trouble or disapproval, or inner shame from not fitting in.  What a pleasure life is to know from the inside out that some of us are quite simply wired for joy.  Our basic reactions are for fun in a good way, or a greater good.  Some of us know that good can be a primary focal point, and faith in possibility is always an option.  The more I focus on allowing this openness about my inner belief in the basic good of life itself, the more I watch inner angst and disharmony dissipate.  It’s like watching icebergs detach from glaciers and float away.  I was all frozen with fear because my inner fire has always been for good, yet I’ve allowed myself to buy into lack and shut down or freeze up a bit.  What a joy it is to not be running around fixing people anymore because of a belief in getting everyone else ok so I could be ok.  Now I quietly enjoy what I know to be true, life is truly abundant in all forms, and my reactions, to speak or be still in most situations, are worthy.

Trusting positive reactions,


Joy Income

9 07 2010

“God is my employer, joy is my income.”  George Denslow

I am a pleasure monkey.  I like to smile, be joyful, expectant, and goofy.  At times I’m more reserved shy and silent, but the inner me is much more content to wag my tail at any given excuse.  When I am at the same job for awhile or living location and my inner joy escapes a little bit, and other joy monkeys discover my truth, we love to welcome each other with smiles hugs and shared stories of recent adventures and discoveries.  The general agreement is that the infamous “box” and rules are just guidelines and suggestions for those in need of external authority.

I‘ve also experienced the fullness in life of many different forms of earning a living.  At various junctures in my work journey I’ve had healthy interactions with the boss, and less pleasant transactions.  When I started gaining and looking for even more spiritual comfort stability and joy in my life I started asking thinking about who really is my boss.  That was an easy one; I’m very comfortable with the concept of God, a positive force in the universe conspiring for my good.

Recently I started thinking about income.  If God is my boss, and or employer, then does God pay me money?  Certainly financial gain is a part of the energy exchange in trading my time and intellect for desired outcomes, but is it all?  One day after a delicious interaction with a co-worker in which being me, while fixing the gadget in need of my services, seemed to offer them a form of relief and joy, I realized something.  Part of my paycheck that day was joy.  Whenever I get to be a human in a sometimes inhuman work environment and am successfully able to negotiate around HR and or God issues in a corporate environment, and yet somehow mutually experience a human moment of life is better since we interacted moment, I feel joy.  Sometimes I am the primary receiver, sometimes I am the giver, sometimes two souls just meet in the course of a day and have a brief or lingering conversations and the energy elevates of it’s own accord.  This is joy income.

When I’ve expanded on this thought recently in family interactions during my off time, it’s continued to work.  What if God was my employer in all endevears, and joy was my constant source of income.  If this were the case, then how significant or not becomes my obsession with money problems.

Since many problems in life can not be assisted by money, when my energy was getting low or scared, I focused on the thought of joy.  How can I uniquely be and express me in an interaction in which inner or out joy can be assisted.

When I focused more on this, rather than the external negativity, many down spiral mental opportunities were avoided.

This is a new thought process for me, thanks for listening, what’s your joy income?


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