?Self Trust? WTF?!!!

7 01 2017

silverbhuddaSo I had a conversation with a friend the other day about bipolar and selt trust. My response WTF??? I have never trusted my uneditied self. My mind is way too open my boundaries have all been violated by myself and others, I have no trust at all whatsoever, and yet I do. Certain people certian times, situations, I trust. Faith in a Concious Flow greater then myself, yes. Absolutely no, can’t bullshit you there, I have experienced plenty of couch druel time when God was no where near a concept I could trust much less believe in.

So this bold suggestion from her that I could actually trust myself has got me in quite a diddle. A bit grumbly diddle I might add. WTF I could begin to trust myself? It feels like my entire life my mind has been suggesting and convincing me to do really stupid shit, as well as talk other people into it not to mention dwelling in thoughts of suicide from time to time, when I’ve given up hope.

I even brought up a classic example of mania at a retreat one time and she had the audacity to point out she was there, had fun, and would trust me again to go on the adventures we came up with. How dare people trust me. This is just a bizarre concept to me. I’m serious, I’m trying to be funny sarcastic and blow it off, or come up with some twist, but I’ve gotta sit down and think about this seriously for awhile. Am I trustworthy? I’ve invested so much of my life taming and riding the bipolar monkey brain on my shoulder, that I’ve never bothered to review what and if I’ve made any progess. In fact it wasn’t until recently I started observing and measuring the stimilus and response to and of situations that trigger me. This is what led me to my first clue, that I may indeed may not be actively bipolar anymore. Holy shit!!!

Is that even possible? What about the “experts”, what about what about what about, and is it possible that I haven’t been for a couple years even????

Shit! I was so wrapped up in my identity of being bipolar, I forgot to invent a new identity, what if all this crap I’ve been preaching and practising about spirituality and self-regulation and slow gradual improvement over time is paying off, and actually true?

WTF! Inspite of my language I have actually been pretty calm at home and work for awhile now. Slightly on the depressive side, yet very manageble and functional, no need for meds(which I’ve never taken), or missed obligations, moments of laughter, adventure and fun happening even.

hmmm, maybe bipolar behavior is just an Illusion?

Talking me down

10 11 2016

bloggers note:

I used to call it bipolar opportunity, my current terminology is The Bipolar Illusion. Because that is what it has become for me. It is a temporary bio, physiological, spiritual, mental pattern/ coping mechanism I can drop into from time to time when triggered.

on with the blog

I stopped blogging a lot because I felt empty. I personally have moved on from being and identifying with bipolar. My life has challenges I have episodes, but they are pretty miner, boring, and feel pretty “normal”. WOW!!! congrats George. this is why I put the blogger note in. Bipolar is an illusion for me now. I’ve been on to it’s game for many years and the pay off has been excellent.

Yes I feel manic coming on, yes I feel depressions, and I feel a lot of calm functional peace.

Anyway. A new topic has gained interest for me, which perhaps I can begin blogging about, because I love to write.

How to deal with bipolar people?

Ahh, now we are on to something good deep thick and juicy. Why George why do you know so much about this topic. Uh, duh, hello life long bipolar illusionist here.

Todays topic: Talking me or someone else down.
(p.s. this can apply to anyone, not bipolar exclusive behavior)

Step One: Identify the situation. Become aware that your loved one or coworker has raised their voice or pace of words, actions, emotions, etc, beyond a functional level to the situation.

Step Two: Prep yourself. This is vital to your personal mental health!!! Don’t skip it, trust me on this one. I grew up enmeshed with crazy people, it’s no good to lose yourself in the mental illusions of another’s challenges. I don’t care how nice and empathetic you are. Prep yourself.
How? Pray-connect with whatever is positive unseen and bigger then your ego, Breathe. Scrunch and release your toes. Practice feeling the skin on the bottom of your feet and the earth below. Feel as grounded as you possibly can.

Step Three: Make a decision consciously to interact or WALK AWAY.
don’t worry there are an abundance of riled up people everyday everywhere, so no need to interact with everyone all the time. ( hello another lifelong george lesson gem here, If only i could fix everyone, I would be ok and wouldn’t feeeeeel this way)

Step Four: obsess about being calm. breathe, feel feet, let it go.
lower your voice and pace of words and energy, re-connect with spirit and trust all will be well.

Ok you are in. Now, you have created calmness, and spirit connection in the presence of a temporarily upset person dealing with the illusion of fear in some way. This is the magic. Don’t take it personally, know that you can walk away at any point, trust your intuition.

I’ve used this method thousands of times, and it’s been used on me even more. I thank my blue collar brothers for teaching me this. Let’s face it, we are rough and tumble guys that grew up in the ‘80s and went to shop class in high school, didn’t always finish high school, and ended up in industry. All was well until the human relations department showed up and started firing us because we couldn’t beat each other up to solve differences of opinion any more. So let’s just say, we’ve been through a transition, and are really good at talking each other out of beating each other up and getting fired so that we can still work and provide for our loved ones.

Step Five; At some point, when I maintain a calm, spirit connected, grounded presence, usually the other person sees that i’m not getting riled up, and begins to self regulate and calm down again. This is MAGIC! We usually become good friends as well, and often the next time, the other person is calming me down. I think it’s a modern day form of male bonding in the work place. But I use it everywhere now.

If the person doesn’t shift their own energy in a time or manner you feel comfortable, trust spirit to step in and take care of the situation. AND WALK AWAY.

ok, that’s it, enjoy, be SAFE.



2 09 2009

“…, I use this extreme example of my demonstrated stupidity to illustrate the power of our minds.”

pg 27 of my book Living Out Of Darkness


Presence, is the biggest gift I am grateful for today from my life time engagement with bipolar.  I didn’t shoot out of the starting blocks with bipolar and being present.  I started out anything but present.  I was actually a poster child for ADD, multimess(my word for multitasking), etc.  Often highly distracted, easily irritated, arrogant and annoyed, all qualities I am comfortable with in my repertories and able to pull up at any time, as my ego sees fit.

But the hunger for connection with people developed into a quest, which led me to the discovery of metaphysics.  Along the way I was able to discover that not all people experienced a bipolar life.  Ok this may sound strange, let me illustrate this a bit.  Being bipolar all my life, my frame of reference was that everyone must be “high” one second, and down in the dumps the next, either on a moment by moment, daily, monthly cycle.  I had no idea, I was the one on the wild rollercoaster ride floating through a group of people that in comparison were relatively “stable”, or that drastic word, “normal”.  I still haven’t discovered a normal person yet, but I will use it as a comparison in contrast to the raw bipolar experience.

This discovery that I experienced incredible highs, and incredible lows, and that not everyone experienced life like this was very freeing.  In metaphysics, new age, human potential, etc workshops I figured out that one of the holy grails of spiritual journey, those moments of sheer emersion with spirit was a regular visit for me, got me to pondering.  I also discovered what people refer to as an occasional life transformation dark night of the soul, which I visited on a regular basis.  What I put together was, naturally I was experiencing, the holy grail of spiritual guest-being connected with spirit, and the life altering dark night of soul.

Transformation is the key word here.  By now I had been diagnosed with bipolar, and had run across the clinical definition of bipolar.  My transformation shifted when I altered my definition for manic, to that of a visionary and connected state when I saw all possibilities.  I altered my definition for low or drepressed state to dark night of the soul/life lesson/soul retrieval experience.  The key for success in being high was to stay grounded enough to not cause damage to my life or others, and to some how tangibly capture a glimpse of the experience such as a photo, drawing or writing.  In my low states I gathered all the spiritual tools I was learning such as meditation to seek out the gold somewhere in the dark cave my soul was lost in.

Over the years, with patience, I’ve cultivated from my highs and lows in this way.  The result has been a presence, which I am deeply grateful for.  All my crazy adventures in life have connected me with many walks of life/places/and people in the physical world.  All my journeys inside have given me a huge capacity for compassion; because of my failures, my walks in dark paths, and success I have gained from bringing visions to life.

So today, I am hugely grateful for Bipolar being my motivation to be present in my dance with life.

Thank you spirit for this day and all it’s gifts.


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