?Self Trust? WTF?!!!

7 01 2017

silverbhuddaSo I had a conversation with a friend the other day about bipolar and selt trust. My response WTF??? I have never trusted my uneditied self. My mind is way too open my boundaries have all been violated by myself and others, I have no trust at all whatsoever, and yet I do. Certain people certian times, situations, I trust. Faith in a Concious Flow greater then myself, yes. Absolutely no, can’t bullshit you there, I have experienced plenty of couch druel time when God was no where near a concept I could trust much less believe in.

So this bold suggestion from her that I could actually trust myself has got me in quite a diddle. A bit grumbly diddle I might add. WTF I could begin to trust myself? It feels like my entire life my mind has been suggesting and convincing me to do really stupid shit, as well as talk other people into it not to mention dwelling in thoughts of suicide from time to time, when I’ve given up hope.

I even brought up a classic example of mania at a retreat one time and she had the audacity to point out she was there, had fun, and would trust me again to go on the adventures we came up with. How dare people trust me. This is just a bizarre concept to me. I’m serious, I’m trying to be funny sarcastic and blow it off, or come up with some twist, but I’ve gotta sit down and think about this seriously for awhile. Am I trustworthy? I’ve invested so much of my life taming and riding the bipolar monkey brain on my shoulder, that I’ve never bothered to review what and if I’ve made any progess. In fact it wasn’t until recently I started observing and measuring the stimilus and response to and of situations that trigger me. This is what led me to my first clue, that I may indeed may not be actively bipolar anymore. Holy shit!!!

Is that even possible? What about the “experts”, what about what about what about, and is it possible that I haven’t been for a couple years even????

Shit! I was so wrapped up in my identity of being bipolar, I forgot to invent a new identity, what if all this crap I’ve been preaching and practising about spirituality and self-regulation and slow gradual improvement over time is paying off, and actually true?

WTF! Inspite of my language I have actually been pretty calm at home and work for awhile now. Slightly on the depressive side, yet very manageble and functional, no need for meds(which I’ve never taken), or missed obligations, moments of laughter, adventure and fun happening even.

hmmm, maybe bipolar behavior is just an Illusion?


2 09 2009

“…, I use this extreme example of my demonstrated stupidity to illustrate the power of our minds.”

pg 27 of my book Living Out Of Darkness


Presence, is the biggest gift I am grateful for today from my life time engagement with bipolar.  I didn’t shoot out of the starting blocks with bipolar and being present.  I started out anything but present.  I was actually a poster child for ADD, multimess(my word for multitasking), etc.  Often highly distracted, easily irritated, arrogant and annoyed, all qualities I am comfortable with in my repertories and able to pull up at any time, as my ego sees fit.

But the hunger for connection with people developed into a quest, which led me to the discovery of metaphysics.  Along the way I was able to discover that not all people experienced a bipolar life.  Ok this may sound strange, let me illustrate this a bit.  Being bipolar all my life, my frame of reference was that everyone must be “high” one second, and down in the dumps the next, either on a moment by moment, daily, monthly cycle.  I had no idea, I was the one on the wild rollercoaster ride floating through a group of people that in comparison were relatively “stable”, or that drastic word, “normal”.  I still haven’t discovered a normal person yet, but I will use it as a comparison in contrast to the raw bipolar experience.

This discovery that I experienced incredible highs, and incredible lows, and that not everyone experienced life like this was very freeing.  In metaphysics, new age, human potential, etc workshops I figured out that one of the holy grails of spiritual journey, those moments of sheer emersion with spirit was a regular visit for me, got me to pondering.  I also discovered what people refer to as an occasional life transformation dark night of the soul, which I visited on a regular basis.  What I put together was, naturally I was experiencing, the holy grail of spiritual guest-being connected with spirit, and the life altering dark night of soul.

Transformation is the key word here.  By now I had been diagnosed with bipolar, and had run across the clinical definition of bipolar.  My transformation shifted when I altered my definition for manic, to that of a visionary and connected state when I saw all possibilities.  I altered my definition for low or drepressed state to dark night of the soul/life lesson/soul retrieval experience.  The key for success in being high was to stay grounded enough to not cause damage to my life or others, and to some how tangibly capture a glimpse of the experience such as a photo, drawing or writing.  In my low states I gathered all the spiritual tools I was learning such as meditation to seek out the gold somewhere in the dark cave my soul was lost in.

Over the years, with patience, I’ve cultivated from my highs and lows in this way.  The result has been a presence, which I am deeply grateful for.  All my crazy adventures in life have connected me with many walks of life/places/and people in the physical world.  All my journeys inside have given me a huge capacity for compassion; because of my failures, my walks in dark paths, and success I have gained from bringing visions to life.

So today, I am hugely grateful for Bipolar being my motivation to be present in my dance with life.

Thank you spirit for this day and all it’s gifts.


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