Soul Happy

8 01 2010

Even though technically I’ve been depressed for a month, I wouldn’t trade it for a moment of bliss.  The stillness derived from the depths of patience with my inner soul openings continues to redefine my comprehension of capacity of peace within me, and deepen my loss of the definition of the word depression.

Was I active? Not much.  Did I think happy positive thoughts? Nope.  Did I sit and appreciate calm, stillness, opening to deeper previously untouched parts of me, YES.

Do I have any great plans, motions, insights, go forth go-all?s.  Only openess to the moment as it is.

Two words sum up this deep internal time of reflection(the beginning of my alternative definition for depression),

SOUL HAPPY.

that’s it.  that’s my mission statement for 2010.  In stark contrast to my 500 word essay last year detailing all the desires directions intentions of that moment in Jan 09.

How much can I let go this year, in order to let in.

Whether in solitude with benevolent spirit, or in the company of another human housed angel, how much in-to-me-see-allow, am I able to gently create?

How many extra moments in stillness am I willing to dwell in?

How deeper can my appreciation for simplicity grow?  Hot vertical water, warm tasty food, clean clothes, options for activity in day?

It was at the beginning of my bipolar journey many years ago that I embraced these simple things in life when self medicating through drugs and alcohol, and being institutionalized for 5 weeks at 17, took almost all of them away.

Now as I sit and reflect on my new definition of de-press-in)hmm, in clean clothes covering a clean body that has experienced hot vertical water and soap, tasty food, and deep sleep, all within the last 24 hours, I realize and renew again my commitment to being soul happy.

Having recently accomplished major life go-alls, and currently drifting in between guidance till next passion captures me, I’m allowing this year to be directed entirely by my soul, trusting allowing life to happen exactly as it is.  Letting the rush of excitment or need of my body energy lift me in and through each activity as it appears, whether it be feeling the warm water on my hands in the morning while cleaning last nights delicious meal off my white plates listening for the kettle to hum first cup gift from the Gods Kona coffee water is ready, or the warm feel of peace while exerting my feet on pedals after many miles on my bicycle, or the mutual nod of a travel companion become friend over the course of a casually initiated conversation amongst strangers.

This is my gift and gratitude of being naturally bipolar this last month, and being in a new year.  Able to see feel reflect deeply, and appreciate life that much more simply, because of my internal organic rhythms taking me away from comfortable mental states, and so deeply back into good life, in it’s most simplest and abundant form if I am willing to receive it’s whisper.

Happy New Year,

George Denslow

Jan 2010

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Silly Season

16 12 2009

I peeks me head out and asks…is it over yet?

It’s been silly season time inside my head.  In the material world I have absolutely nothing to complain about.

In the other worlds in me, it’s been, …, interesting.

Overall I would rate the experience as good.

pg 20 in my book Living Out of Darkness, “It’s not important how many times I quit exercising, or how lazy I get.  What’s important is how many times I start again.”

same page “With Bipolar, we are going to have ups and downs.  The better we get at picking up after downs and focussing on what worked…”

Maybe I should just stop right here and read my book.  I’ve been ignoring it lately.

The uncomfortable times in bipolar can be difficult and baffling to walk through with those enjoying the gift as well as loved ones attempting to understand.

From the inside, for me, lately, it’s involved a lot of patience.  I haven’t been very willing to do the things I need to do to maintain an even keel or cheery attitude.  The insides have been a bit rapid cycling and bumpy.

And yet.

My holistic non medicated approach to bipolar all these years, when I’m on vacation(like I have been), sometimes I let it all hang out for a bit.  I let my mind and emotions wander, and see what they uncover and discover.  Sometimes it’s comfortable, sometimes not.

I have noticed my rawness lately hasn’t been nearly as hairy scary as that last time i took a vacation from “doing everything”.

I also notice a deeper, more satisfied peace, all the bugaboos, and ugliness my ego and mind tried to come with regarding how I was this or that in a negative light, have failed and faded.

I can’t help but think that some of the muck, attempting to cover up my light and mental stability, has evaporated a little bit more.

My tools for the day/last 3 weeks/or whenever it was I last blogged, have been patience(just sitting), and letting go(breathing), spending as much time as I can out doors, on my bike, driving somewhere.

The other day I was in a funk and needed to get stuff done to go back to work, and it was obivious two people were wandering around in different directions in my body, so I got on my bike in the sun to an excellent salad place, took my journal to write out priorities/clear out headspace/ and figure out what was most important to do next.

By the time I got back to the house I was more focussed for awhile.

To anyone else who may feeeeeel the silly season, as a mixed blessing, I’m with you.  We’ll get through this, and my favorite holiday is coming…A WHOLE NEW YEAR, Wow!

Blessings,

George





Miracles Happen

2 12 2009

It never ceases to amaze me the power of prayer.  Yesterday I was slowly creeping out of a dark time on the inside that lasted about two weeks.  After a long prayer in the shower, and completing my daily routine, I was able to be a little bit functional with my passion of sharing the good of bipolar.(which is kinda difficult if I ain’t living the dream in the moment).  After a little bit of sucess, I was able to do a few more details.  The energy and the miracle of the day, came from the passion and truth that I am living.  Even though I started the day dark and muddy, I ended the day on a very clear happy energy.  In fact after connecting with a coaching club I’m involved with, I was so clear, I just had to go howl at the moon on a full moon bike ride(one of my top ten favorite things to do).

It never ceases to amaze me, how dark, how down, how lost, open and empty I can get, and how quickly Grace can restore me to full clear happy functioning and serving in ways I am uniquely created to serve best.  It just keeps getting better.

So many gratitudes, so many tools to share today.

The biggest was being willing to get on my knees yesterday, and ask for help.  It came in many big ways.

The most incredible and enjoyable was connecting with a conscious group of like minded friends who share a passion for helping others through life coaching.

My most favorite, was once my energy cleared allowing my passion to propel me around in the dark on my bike and feel the joy that emenates from me after a dark time has cleared.

“Problems are awesome, because the solutions can endlessly give dividends.”

Still Howling, eagerly anticipating sunset to ride again…and it may even be stormy!

George





Clear, Honor, Rhythm

1 12 2009

I’ve been scared shtless lately.  Two weeks ago an event occurred that triggered a chain of events that if I were totally honest about, have knocked me on my ____ on the inside.  I functioned.  I fullfilled obligations for room and board.  But inside I was lost gone bye, bye.  There have been a myraid of blog titles I emailed to myself and never wrote, concious anxiety-how to gain the benefits of anxiety while observing ones self go through it(a rather out of mind day).

I got through the first wave in about a week and felt good and functional and could have communicated and blogged, but then I used the energy to take care of myself.  Get through the obligations, create what I needed to be ok next.

“Clear your energy, honor your rhythm, Live your vision”, pg 51 of my book.  Living Out Of Darkness.

Even now as I attempt my first blog in over a week, my energy is muddy.  I have been honoring my rhythm, I’ve been scared, and extra gentle.  I have finally figured out that no matter how harsh I can be with me, whispers get me where I want to be much faster.  The more I allow every little voice in me to speak up, the more whole I feel.  Whenever I’ve been triggered, dark, non-functional, non-verbal, at times catatonic, and I have taken the time to listen, instead of criticise, the little parts of me, I start to feel whole again.  I also know any time I’ve yelled at a part of myself for being week or too emotional, or xyz, then usually that part of me will surface again.

Even though I’m not out of the woods yet,  I am very grateful for having created a lifestyle with lots of down time, and the awareness I have accumulated over the years with bipolar to be able to let myself be still, be open, be in nature, and allow the frazzled parts of me to speak up, and let go.

It doesn’t matter to me how many times I drop the ball let go, or become triggered and non-functional, what matters to me now, is knowing and allowing my own natural rhythyms to gradually reset me into a calmer, more peaceful, functional state.

Clearing, honoring, rhythming,

George





Triggered

19 11 2009

A couple days ago I successfully manifested an event that triggered me in a not so good way.  It was like I was running on 100% very functional brain power, and a present day physical/mental event shuttered me back into 40% brain power, very non-functioning mode.  It was really weird.  On one hand I was very familiar with walking through the fog half functioning, being bumped like a pinball through the events of the day and the current unavoidable tasks at hand, between moments I had to just sit a bit.  My mood dropped into negative, my positive faith was challenged, and I forgot my golden bipolar rule/suggestion, when I’m down.  Don’t look ahead or behind.  If my view is crappy in the present, chances are when I think about the past, or the future, then it is equally as negative or worse.  This is huge.   If I allow this to occur in my mind for very long, it snowballs into a negative life sucks nightmare, and can triggere a very negative direction.  I also noticed the sun dipping below the mountains, and not being up for very long, a second environmental factor to be aware of and pay attention too.  For this I got out my portable LED SAD light and turned it on for awhile to help with the light deficit.

Not only was I triggered into the past negative mental states, and wandering around a bit confused disorientated and lost, the physical environment was not being helpful either.  My number one tool, for helping me with bipolar the last couple days to get through and get back on track and steer my mind around a major episode opportunity, was to pick up my book, and read.  This is why I wrote my book about bipolar.  When I am in an extremely negative state, I forget the hard earned intelligence and awareness about being bipolar.  The passage that I remembered to read, was my one titled HELP!.  Which is located on page 56 of my book “Living Out Of Darkness”.  Even though I wasn’t feeling very positive or faithful, I remembered that if I physically got on my knees, and asked for help, that it had worked in the past many times, and somehow I would get through my mental fog, fullfill my obligations, and get through this experience.  I did.  Help wasn’t instant, but I got through 1 hr after another, very carefully.  Eventually I remembered, that when I’m negative or currently triggered, it’s not a good idea to make any decisions, that I can’t put off for atleast a week.  I can feel like crap, make a rash decision, take action, and be much worse off, if instead I can just focuss on the present, take care of myself as best I can, and chances are, things might get better soon, and then make decisions and take actions.

Thank God, for God.  Thank God, for grace.

My prayer through this time was “please protect me from myself”.  Even though I lose faith, feel unconnected, if I can intellectually re-member myself with positive physical actions, and reading words that have helped in the past, then so far, I’ve gotten through, with the help of grace, everything I’ve ever manifested in my life, whether it was initially positive or negative.

Today I’m thanking myself for writing a positive focussed book on bipolar, so that I can help myself be a successful bipolar person.

Peace,

George





Focus

16 11 2009

Fast.

Bipolar fast, can be fun, if I’m prepared. I knew I would be walking into a fast day today, so I took a moment to be prepared.  Many fun and exciting things are happening as well as regular obligations I need to take care of.  I don’t really have a lot of time for idleness(one of my favorite past times).  What I’ve noticed is that it is easy for manic to kick in, ramp up the volume in my head and go way faster then is necessary.  I can also work fast, turn on idle chatter or narration, or connect with everyone, or comment on everything, or make jokes,  while I work.  Today, these are not helpful.

The biggest tool I use today, is focus.  What is happening right here, right now, what is the biggest priority.  Not 1 hr or 1 day from now, not what happened five minutes ago.  What is happening right here, right now, what is the current priority.

If I don’t know, I pause, breathe, think if I am thinking clearly, or write if I’m not.  Regain my focus and then launch again.

I also went to bed early, got up an hour earlier, and was sure to put on happy dance music straight up to get my mind in a fun flow.  I didn’t even give it a chance to think about the dramas and tribulations that occurred yesterday from travel.  I just got up, danced, and jumped into my day.

Now let’s back up; before I was willing able and aware of nurturing, taking care of and allowing my bipolar, I would have had a major blow out by now, been in full dark victim mode, possibly paralyzed in anxiety darkness or negativity overwhelmed in my chair, phone ringing, people trying to get a hold of me bigger mess building up, etc.

By purging yesterday, as best I could last night, and waking up gently today, observing my thoughts and injecting positive affirmations before my eyes even opened, I already had a head start.

The difference between dark victim mode, and ok let’s dance with this day mode, are actually fairly simple.  It’s more of a choice actually.  Yesterday in the middle of travel drama I was down a bit.  I picked up my positive daily reader, read a passage, and thought about it for 15 minutes before a flight, instead of allowing the negative spiral take me down.

Today I am grateful for being bipolar, because I was down, so hard, so long, for so many years, that because I am intimately  familiar with negative darkness in my mind, I’m much more able to quickly identify, and counteract the pattern, before it becomes disruptive.

Is being bipolar intense?  Yes.  At times.  It’s also a lot of fun to  have so many options and ways of tackling problems situations and opportunities.  Today, because of learning to be functional and having an awesome highly technical challenging job which can take me in many directions at once, I know, if I stay positive and functional, I’ll dance through just fine, and probably be able to accomplish a lot more, then if I wasn’t blessed with bipolar.

gotta go, big quick hug, peace,

George





Potty Brain

15 11 2009

I have potty brain.  To open minded men, (and of course women already know this), WE, as in the male race, have periods.  More importantly, I am having mine.  Pass the chocolate, send me to a spa, and please shut up and listen.  Ahh, I feel better already.

I wrote a blog at my last layover(1000 words) and decided it was total crap, and sent it to a dear friend.(I hope she deletes it, I forgot to write that in the subject line, sometimes I just need to send my mental crap to someone who will laugh and not take it as seriously as I am in the current moment)

I got on the plane and thought hmm.  What is going on?  Other then the fact I feel bloated fat uncomfortable restless upset and slightly pissed off at nothing, I’m FINE KEEP THE CHOCOLATE COMING.

When I’m quiet, I’m not always peaceful.  When I’m quiet, busy, and not communicating with people, uh, Houston, a problem is brewing.

A)  I can ignore it, and watch my mouth or my actions get me into big trouble soon.

B)  I can let myself become aware of it(like trying to write a blog instead of writing a rant)

Writing is my number one tool for dealing with bipolar today.  Write, Write, Write.  The reason is, I’m quiet, moody, haven’t been having real conversations with people lately, and I can feel my ears becoming horns, and my smile becoming a grumpy snarl.

By writing out a blog, erasing it, writing out another, erasing it, and finally taking an hour to perfect a “justified” anger blog/rant, I realized, I was way behind on writing.

When things are going well, I sometimes cut back on my daily routine a bit.  I’ll rely on a quick prayer, meditation, and reading a spiritual thing or too.  I usually cutback on writing about what ever is going on with me, this is when the yellow caution light on the control panel in my brain needs to start blinking.  Silly me, thinking I’m in charge, knowing what is best and when it is supposed to happen, and don’t need to bother dwelling within.  OOOOPS!  Nice try George, better luck next time.

This is when my shit shelf, starts to collect unresolved issues,

which start to simmer and boil until a perfectly good innocent:  target/issue/cause/moment/person/frustration, allows me to spark an eruption.

With any kind of luck, I became aware of this one soon enough so that I can write out everything that is bugging and upsetting me, call someone who cares enough and knows me enough to listen, and not let me get away with thinking I am a victim, and be ok again.  It’s not complicated, it just takes practice and willingness to allow myself to become aware of when something is off, and wanting to do something about it before I make a mess.

Thank you for helping me with my potty brain today, and sorry if I ate all your chocolate, I’ll be good for it next time you need some ; / }.

Now, WHERE is the nearest spa, I need a massage.

George








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