Emotional Ahh

20 10 2013

ImageI am not the extreme of my past.  I am not the extreme mental and physical choices I made to cope/interact with the chaos around and inevitably in me.

Was my past since birth totally of my creation?

If not, do I have to prescribe my entire life to it’s chaos?

What if I’m actually a calm happy creative sane functional human, temporarily held hostage by the creation and wreckage of my first 20 years, and recovery from?

As I settle once again, from another emotional hurricane, I relish in the choices I’ve made to create calm functionality in my life to return to.  None of it happened instantly.  Yet it is possible.  Yes I deal with all kinds of anxious moments, activities, etc.  But there is a calm overwhelming routine to return to.  It used to be externally only.  I followed a calm path offered by others for years in hopes of it working.

My prayer today, is to encourage, all those choosing calm routines, in spite of current internal or external chaos, to continue their journey, no matter what.  If peace is possible for me, than I hold hope for you.

george





Unworthy Fear

5 10 2013

UnworthyIt happens.  Trauma in any form, duration and stage of life, sucks.  Fear of being alone, fear of sleeping, daytime anxiety, mood swings, unwarranted physical over reactions.  Suck.

ok fine.

What am I going to do about it Today, George.

Be gentle and breathe.  Interact as delicately as I can with my day.  All I want to do is go screaming into the dark night of my mind, and try again tomorrow, or next decade.

Be Safe.

Be Safe and breathe.

Long term trauma, wether it occurred in childhood, war, or life at any time, can be debilitating and overwhelming.

I hate it when it seemingly bubbles up out of no where.

Currently I’m triggering the hell out of my nerves because how dare I share my gift of writing inside out with the world.

It’s amazing how PTSD, BPD, and anxiety, can attack my attempts to be successful and share my gifts and strengths.  I have survived, and thrived, in spite of, at times because of internal and external extremes.

At times like this when I poke my gifts out a little further into the world, I slam down fast and hard internally with fear, shame, and overwhelming paralyzing anxiety.

Thank God, for core strength, not the kind you learn in yoga class.

Thank God, for the core strength I learned during the years of abuse, whether it was externally directed, or self induced after the years of trauma.

I am tough and strong.  Inside out.  Sure my body is a debris field of overeating, car wrecks, “good ideas at the time”, etc.

But sometimes in the midst of my fears and tears, I forget, I knew what tough was long ago.

May all those who suffer from life’s traumas, today or in the past, hold a moment of strength for each other.  Let’s be scared, and strong, together.  Let’s know, the trauma may have showed us the gift of strength, if we can breathe past the fear of anxiety and low self worth.  It’s no fun being a victim.  So pause on your journey, rest a moment, and remember, we are still breathing, we are probably stronger internally than our less traumatized companions, and each new day is an opportunity to create and share, no matter how much it scares us.

g





Happy Highs

4 10 2013

Image 1“Defining the line between what is a healthy high and at what point the line has been crossed is the art form of being consciously bipolar.” pg 77 of my book Living Out of Darkness.

Happy Day, Happy Boy, ruff ruff, wanna run run run.  So I did, sort of, I rode.  Managing Happy highs can be at times just as perilous as extreme lows.

Today was not a good day to pull out the credit card and go online shopping.  The current obsession with crystals was tempting, but I resisted.  In the past, not so much.  I was way to ADD, in a good way to calm down, so I went with it.  Jumped on my bike to go check the mail, which entailed a 10 mile bike ride.

Happy Highs —-> Exercise!  (in moderation).

Yes it is annoying, exercise but not too much, stay away from wallet, watch the mind spin, etc.

But.  I’ve stayed healthy and thoroughly enjoyed my day.  The exercise endorphins have kicked in, Mozart is blasting way, and looking forward to a good swim later.

Peace!!!

geo





Tears Heal

1 10 2013

Tears

When I gently guide myself thru a rough patch, tears can be a good sign.

?

Yesterday Rocky today tears?

Yup.

When I’ve been thru a stretch of high stress work or life, and my mind is on obsessive spin cycle, or sleeplessness, etc., tears can sometimes indicate, i’m getting ok again.

When I learned how to be crazy as a child, I learned a “survival identity”.

Stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about.

As an adult it is much easier to ignore mental pain, and just get on with reality, take care of work/life/family demands to provide food and shelter.

But what if the crisis ends, if real world demands drop off a bit, and I actually have a moment to breathe, or allow myself a moment to catch up internally?

I usually go thru phases, get thru the stress, spin down, sleep, have a really good day, and then anxiety hits.

This is a tricky slope in dealing with mental waves, bipolar disorder, and continuous sobriety.

The anxiety, after a really good day, after a series of really bad daze, needs to be dealt with carefully, inside out.

First I acknowledge it.  Yesterday, nothing was wrong in my world, but I felt squirrelly.  It would have been easy to make a lot of unhealthy choices.

It would have been easy to dismiss it and get busy with anything.

When I have the luxury of time, to breath in my anxiety, I do.

Why?!!!

Overtime, years in fact, of this practice, has lead to a deeper calm inside, less of a reaction to stressful situations while they happen, less need for poor choices in situations I want to run from etc.

Tears, are an indicator, I feel safe enough to feel, and safe enough to decompress, and catch up with unprocessed sensitivity, reactions, visceral response to human experience in a mechanically operated, automated, corporate environment, techo fast world.

How natural is it for us to be human in our fast paced society?

How natural is it to be human, bottle up stress, and stuff it with more busy-ness?

Tears can heal, if allowed a moment to breathe.

George





Anxiety

20 03 2013

“The world I wish to be in is behind the thinly veiled seemingly impenetrable moment of anxiety” George  Denslow

Let’s face it.  We all deal with it.  You know fight or flight.  Dream and act on your soul’s directives, or succumb to the numbness of dreary existence.

The

Anxiety

deeper I seep into my soul’s interior frontier, the more I drift from the exterior label of bipolar disorder.  I begin to see bipolar as more of a series of coping/integrating behaviors to a higher intellectual emotional, bigger picture, truth.

As I do my best to cope organically with current bouts and waves of anxiety and subsequent insomnia, about life changes, I receive the opportunity to sit still, and let the anxiety… dance… inside my mind, body, and emotions.  If I allow the dance long enough without action, the still small soul voice inside bubbles up real truth and constructive actions about my current situation.  Time and again simple journaling appears to be the best method of recording and releasing my fears.   I even burn them sometimes (kinda expensive to burn my Smartphone so I had to switch back to paper).

STOP! Wait a minute here George that is not a productive societal culturally endorsed method of dealing with Anxiety!

Stopping? Sitting?  BREATHING? into your anxiety without action until you hear a calm clear message from your soul?… THEN??? take action?

Yes.

As I delve deeper, releasing my soul’s art inside out, like I’ve always dreamed of, it has re-triggered the usual list of anxiety monsters designed to shut me down.

I deal with my anxiety demons as calmly as I can.  I do my best to create an ongoing nurturing compassionate environment of internal and external self-nurturing.  I purposely establish habits, routines, environments, and schedules to deal with my insides, as compassionately and completely as I can in the real time moments of being triggered.

Oh hog wash what a bother, what about XYZ of in completes?(oh hello anxiety, guess what, it wasn’t all done before I arrived on earth and it certainly wont be fore I depart)

bReathing, again…

gEorge





What if?

16 11 2010

I felt a chunk of my inner iceberg melt the other day.

What if I’m actually a peaceful still person and always have been?

What if people really have seen the inner me reflect through my inner darkness?

What if the extreme swings inside me are just a defensive mental reaction to compensate for the illusion of scarcity?

What if my bursts of anger are actually a surge of injustice when my outer world has not reflected my inner world of peace and stillness?

What if my last two years of sitting in stillness whenever possible has actually rebooted the being that I am?

What if I at last I can be the me that I am?

What if it is possible to relax into what I naturally am, a person obsessed with stillness, allowing the threads of peace to weave thru me, seeping into the ahh of inner soul connection expression?

What if I am the person I always immerge from my caves as, a positive minded happy soul?

What if all the crap I’ve created in my life, is just a reflection of the illusion of scarcity and chaos I’ve let myself collapse into in times of overwhelm?

What if I allow myself to continue this path of stillness and joy?

What if I could receive from this place of inner being, what if I could be rewarded for dwelling here, hearing the threads of peace re weave as needed?  What if I were truly able to let go of those I allow to trigger me, or I allow to suck the light out of me, or allow to be chaos long enough that I believe in their current illusion and make it my own?

What if I’m actually a functional being of stillness, light and joy, as naturally as breathing?

What if I’ve always been this way?

What if life truly is this easy?

What if this journey to my stillness, is the strength I desire to be stillness?

What if my distractions from inner peace have actually been this huge map of life and all the dressed up versions of illusions have led me back to the place I chose first as a child?

What if my intimate familiarity with all the illusion rides of scarcity in life have led me to be an inner peace guide?

What if bipolar is a very inclusive ride, to learn about ADD, PTSD, Depression, mania, etc etc etc, so that I could teach stillness from the inside out for the rest of my life in the ease of being me?

What if this huge illusion of bipolar disorder, manic depression, is just a childhood brain adjustment for dealing with vision and empathy of better times, created by an active imagination?

What if all the ways out of my inner hell, are all the ways I can teach anyone interested in their ease, with any size of bump or vision, become again who they really already are?

What if?

George





Cave Visit

14 07 2010

It’s sunny outside, I’m dark inside.

I need God.  I need connection. (breathing sigh of relief) this is sometimes the most difficult part of my cycle, acknowledging admitting allowing when I’m down.  If I allow myself this moment, to breathe, to feel, to allow stillness, sometimes my joy can catch up and open me to the possibility of today.  Pleasantly I’m not focused on what may have brought me down, I’m more interested in this brief visit to my cave to connect with spirit and discover something about this day or in me or with someone that needs to be experienced, I know as soon as I make this discovery or slow down enough to allow insight to catch up, all will be well again.  Thank God for this knowledge, insight, and experience with bipolar to know that even though things feeeeeeel permanent right now, they are actually temporary, and if I were to allow myself to dwell in the dark storms in my head, then I could certainly allow them to rummage around and come up with lots of story to stay here with.  Thank God for blogging, today, I reread my Joy Income and God’s Fools entries and an amazing thing happened.  Something written in my own hand and published while I was in a joy state, is coming back to serve me again.  Not only did I receive joy in writing and sharing it, I’m now receiving the benefits of my own expression.

I am grateful to be bipolar, because it makes life so interesting and perplexing.

The tool I’ve used today for being successfully bipolar, even in low times at work (many obligations waiting for my attention), is writing.  It’s huge for me to record my high states, so that when I’m back in my cave, I can’t deny that joy does exist in my life and I can re-connect if I allow myself time to want it.

The stillness I’ve allowed myself in this current emptiness is already filling with unexpected sources of energy and joy, and lifting my mood as I write to match the sun coming through my window.  Thank you for being a part of my re-opening today.  Energy Hug if you need one,

Breathing much easier,

George








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