OOOPS! OH well, restart.

22 03 2010

Hey George, READ YOUR BLOG, and follow directions.  ?  YES YOU GEORGE.

?

Remember, coping tool, RRRRRibit.

yeah.

did you???

OH.

OOOOPS!

I had a blow out yesterday.  At the end of the day I reread my blog about just being a toad, and laughed till I cried because I did the exact opposite.  I took insult after condescending insult from my instructor until I blew up in his face.  He finally found and crossed a line in me I was no longer willing to tolerate and be bigger than.

So, with bipolar when I have a blow out.  It’s good old fashioned paper and pen journal time.  I like to call them after action reports.

on page 35 in my book “Living Out of Darkness-a personal journey of embracing the bipolar opportunity.”

I wrote, “it is very helpful to have a written reference in our own hand to go back to and try to figure out what happened.”

What I’ve figured out, is that I am scared.  I have a lot of stability in my life, and I’ve thoroughly enjoyed the career that I have because of the mental challenge, and lots of quiet time in between the action moments.

This time is over, and if I wish to continue with this company, I need to use less of my brain, and more of my body, in an environment I don’t feel comfortable in.

Yes, I could get a new job.  And, I feel so closely connected with my passion of sharing what I learn about my bipolar journey, I wish to linger as long as I can so I can nurture and grow my passion into a potential dream of being financially supported while full time sharing, living in my passion.

Because I am a dreamer.  Because I have lived so much in high states of mind, and survived low states to know the value of living what I am right now.  I am able to keep putting one foot in front of the other, and learn things that scare me.  My current job helped me to realize how smart I was, and how capable I was in figuring things out.  Now I get to learn how brave and physically skilled I can become.

Thank God for my daily routine today, of getting up and walking even when I didn’t want to.  Writing to help sort my brain out(thanks for listening), and reading positive spiritual literature to feed my brain something else besides obsession about my worries.

Thank God I am bipolar, and have dream of continuing to share my passion for it.

Thanks God, for all the people in my life that know the good that I am, regardless of all the other silliness I get involved in.

peace, hugs,

George





focus CREATION

28 02 2010

“If you knew that you would be given more of what you focus on, what would you focus on?”  Alan Cohen.  A Daily Dose of Sanity.  Feb 28th.

This one hits me right between the eyeballs, thank you Alan.  I’ve been hyper focussed on being a good host, loving my parents, and driving myself insane/sane between my ears.  I’ve been down the positive spiritual path way too many years to blame anyone for anything.  It’s all, ALL, of my own creation in partnership with a loving gentle allowing positive force in me of me and greater than me.  I hired them many years ago to play the role of mother and father in my life.  I’ve also been an adult way longer than a child.

The good of all of this has been practicing, the sh*t out of today’s lesson all week.  Witnessing myself in my head, longing for the joy and love in my heart, breathing, reading, redirecting, reframing, mini break, and alas visiting my heart for a moment.

It’s been an amazing week/journey with my folks.  They are actually incredible people that I have walked a long road with.  Many years ago I began asking questions, praying and meditating about their story.  It opened my heart hugely.  Each visit I have with them, if I am successful in breathing myself and letting myself go into the present moment, I always recieve a new pleasurable experience or moment with them.  We either have a deepening conversation, experience, or I gain some new clue about my/their past which always gives me insights into freeing up my present/future.  Yes it is always a concentrated experience for me, and just like when I go on a spiritual retreat with Alan or someone similiar, I always grow leaps and bounds.

With years of solid knowledge practise and experience that I really do create the current “reality” I’m walking around in, and that which I focuss on is busy creating/allowing my next “realities”, it transforms currently difficult relationships into growth opportunities.  The more I let go of judgement, and allow my heart to open to the moment and possibilities of connection in front of me, the bigger, and freer I feel in life, and the more time I get to be ok when I am inside my head and even more practised at escaping back to my heart when I am ready.

Smiling, laughing at my self today,

George





Opportunity

19 02 2010

“…growing beyond past traumas or fears empowers you in ways far stronger than if the event had not happened.  The past cannot impede you because you are far greater than it is.”  Alan Cohen from his new book, A Daily Dose of Sanity.  Feb 18th.

Thank you Alan.  Thank you for guiding me back to inner ancient wisdom.  Thank you for being your part in the chain of light and wisdom that has passed thru the years of humanity.  This process of being human, making the decision to live a life, the lessons we create and allow, and the process of growing expanding overcoming being more than we thought possible, is so fascinating.  I watched my mind play tricks with the lesson of this day.  I was grumpy moody and negative.  Upon first reading I felt even worse.  I was the horse shying away from ghost trees no longer in reality.   As the day grew and expanded and I completed my work duties for the month, the back of my mind kept chewing on my negative reaction to the spiritual lesson for the day.  It finally clicked open when I stopped judging myself for how much of my past I haven’t let go of yet, and starting acknowledging how far I’ve come, and how far I’ve let go of.  This is my lesson for the day.  My initial reactions to words and situations are not always the deepest shade of helpful truth.  Sometimes it takes awhile for my soft gentle spirit to whisper me back to life is ok.  Life is good, and it’s ok what reactions and judgements I have.  Like Alan points out in the message today.  The only place my past exists is in my mind and it is therefore the only place it can be healed.  One of the greatest gifts Alan has helped me to re learn in myself, is the ability to skip the dark, and focus on the light whenever possible.  Yes X,Y,Z events happened in my life and they were horrible.  Yes I could focus on reliving the pain.  OR, option B, behind door number FUN, I could focus on what I really want to create next in my life.  It actually takes less energy and I create more when I focus on increasing the positives in my life rather than taking the same energy to magnify the past.  I’ve also discovered the more I ignore the past and have new fun experiences my perceptions and life experiences shift, and if I happened to glance over my shoulder, I am different, and understand more.  I’m also an incredible strong and deep person.  I know now these gifts came directly from being challenged beyond what I thought was possible early on, time and time again.   Probably the biggest gift and gratitude I have from the past, is my appreciation for basic functions in life, and appreciation of any pleasant moment.  The more I allow myself to focuss on these simple abundant things which occur every day, I am often distracted away from others events that could have upset me in the past.  In difficult meetings I can focus my compassion on a person in a leadership position and try to remain in a heart space.  This occurs because of the pain I have felt in being angry and in my head, and seperated from connection to people.  Comparing notes with a coworker after a difficult session with a boss, I can see how much easier the experience was for me, because my focus is more on the present, and connection with the individual, not necessary their words, actions, or role of authority.  I am also grateful for the huge treasure chest the past gives me.  If things had been simple and easy, would I still be making so many profound discoveries and feeling my life deepen with people from all walks of life?  Does this condone or alleviate the pain in horrendous abuse situations that are happening now in peoples lives?  No.  But I am able to pass on hope, to those still in the firsthand situation like I was many years ago.  People used to look me in the eye, and somehow without words knew what I was experiencing or remembering and were able to communicate comfort, and a knowing trust that if they made it so could I.  This is a beautiful chain of survivers turned thrivers that exists in the human experience.  Yes we can get caught and stuck in victim mode, there is much agreement and support for this, Yes, we can also survive, overcome, thrive, deepen, strengthen, and appreciate life so much more beyond what unchallenged people can easily take for granted.

A bit wordy tonight, thanks for listening,

much love,

George





Bipolar Rocket Science

10 01 2010

Yes Houston we have cleared for flight all systems functioning big ahh is being heard.  OHHH thank God mental phases pass.  Never ceases to amaze me how good my job is for me.  Bingo 2nd post of New Year and George has already lost it.  No seriously.  The routine of work is good for me.  I am completely open to retiring as a full time bum/speaker/blogger, yet and in between times, the discovery of a job I’m actually talented at and desire to get up early to do “spiritual” pushups, ie a little exe, Gi Gong, daily reader(with a positive focus), meditation.  I almost sprayed coffee again on a friend the other day when she said oh you are so spiritual and disciplined.  Hmm.  When a mental institution is in one corner of the ring, an alcohol and drug addiction which leads to cuddling up to dumpsters in another corner, and the ability to fly off the handle at any and all perceived idiots is in another corner, and behind door number 4;  Do these simple things everyday and you have a chance of being functional, and having preferred choice of activity on and off the job.  Uhh.  Hmm.  Walk around in a bathrobe and slippers behind bars, puking all over myself, yelling at anything, uh could you repeat option 4 please.  Yes, it’s called a daily routine.  Wakes up my body, mind, and spirit, and puts me on a path that leads to interacting in a semi sane way with most people and situations, and gradually leads me to improving the quality and options in my life.  Now add 20 years.  Nope, not disciplined and spiritual, just lazy.  I’ve discovered after much research in all corners of the ring, that taking care of myself, leads to a much lazier and enjoyable life.  Thank God for being bipolar today, so that I can cherish the simple and the profound gifts that have come to me from running from the dark results available with bipolar and into gifts which come from, spiritual practice.  KEY WORD HERE.  P-R-A-C-T-I-C-E.  What is it the black belts of 12 step say(I’m referring to the Al-Anon ers.)  Practice not perfection, raising a virtual toast to that one.  Which reminds me of an unmotivational poster I heard about yesterday that almost sprayed my second attempt at drinking coffee.  “Not all of us are capable of being astronauts, get over it”, well, fortunately for us bipolar types, we can rocket all around the place on and off demand at times, and when we teach ourself how to pilot our own minds in order to negotiate organic rhythms in our lives, then we too can see sights within beyond our wildest imaginations.

cruisin the good life,

George





Silly Season

16 12 2009

I peeks me head out and asks…is it over yet?

It’s been silly season time inside my head.  In the material world I have absolutely nothing to complain about.

In the other worlds in me, it’s been, …, interesting.

Overall I would rate the experience as good.

pg 20 in my book Living Out of Darkness, “It’s not important how many times I quit exercising, or how lazy I get.  What’s important is how many times I start again.”

same page “With Bipolar, we are going to have ups and downs.  The better we get at picking up after downs and focussing on what worked…”

Maybe I should just stop right here and read my book.  I’ve been ignoring it lately.

The uncomfortable times in bipolar can be difficult and baffling to walk through with those enjoying the gift as well as loved ones attempting to understand.

From the inside, for me, lately, it’s involved a lot of patience.  I haven’t been very willing to do the things I need to do to maintain an even keel or cheery attitude.  The insides have been a bit rapid cycling and bumpy.

And yet.

My holistic non medicated approach to bipolar all these years, when I’m on vacation(like I have been), sometimes I let it all hang out for a bit.  I let my mind and emotions wander, and see what they uncover and discover.  Sometimes it’s comfortable, sometimes not.

I have noticed my rawness lately hasn’t been nearly as hairy scary as that last time i took a vacation from “doing everything”.

I also notice a deeper, more satisfied peace, all the bugaboos, and ugliness my ego and mind tried to come with regarding how I was this or that in a negative light, have failed and faded.

I can’t help but think that some of the muck, attempting to cover up my light and mental stability, has evaporated a little bit more.

My tools for the day/last 3 weeks/or whenever it was I last blogged, have been patience(just sitting), and letting go(breathing), spending as much time as I can out doors, on my bike, driving somewhere.

The other day I was in a funk and needed to get stuff done to go back to work, and it was obivious two people were wandering around in different directions in my body, so I got on my bike in the sun to an excellent salad place, took my journal to write out priorities/clear out headspace/ and figure out what was most important to do next.

By the time I got back to the house I was more focussed for awhile.

To anyone else who may feeeeeel the silly season, as a mixed blessing, I’m with you.  We’ll get through this, and my favorite holiday is coming…A WHOLE NEW YEAR, Wow!

Blessings,

George





Triggered

19 11 2009

A couple days ago I successfully manifested an event that triggered me in a not so good way.  It was like I was running on 100% very functional brain power, and a present day physical/mental event shuttered me back into 40% brain power, very non-functioning mode.  It was really weird.  On one hand I was very familiar with walking through the fog half functioning, being bumped like a pinball through the events of the day and the current unavoidable tasks at hand, between moments I had to just sit a bit.  My mood dropped into negative, my positive faith was challenged, and I forgot my golden bipolar rule/suggestion, when I’m down.  Don’t look ahead or behind.  If my view is crappy in the present, chances are when I think about the past, or the future, then it is equally as negative or worse.  This is huge.   If I allow this to occur in my mind for very long, it snowballs into a negative life sucks nightmare, and can triggere a very negative direction.  I also noticed the sun dipping below the mountains, and not being up for very long, a second environmental factor to be aware of and pay attention too.  For this I got out my portable LED SAD light and turned it on for awhile to help with the light deficit.

Not only was I triggered into the past negative mental states, and wandering around a bit confused disorientated and lost, the physical environment was not being helpful either.  My number one tool, for helping me with bipolar the last couple days to get through and get back on track and steer my mind around a major episode opportunity, was to pick up my book, and read.  This is why I wrote my book about bipolar.  When I am in an extremely negative state, I forget the hard earned intelligence and awareness about being bipolar.  The passage that I remembered to read, was my one titled HELP!.  Which is located on page 56 of my book “Living Out Of Darkness”.  Even though I wasn’t feeling very positive or faithful, I remembered that if I physically got on my knees, and asked for help, that it had worked in the past many times, and somehow I would get through my mental fog, fullfill my obligations, and get through this experience.  I did.  Help wasn’t instant, but I got through 1 hr after another, very carefully.  Eventually I remembered, that when I’m negative or currently triggered, it’s not a good idea to make any decisions, that I can’t put off for atleast a week.  I can feel like crap, make a rash decision, take action, and be much worse off, if instead I can just focuss on the present, take care of myself as best I can, and chances are, things might get better soon, and then make decisions and take actions.

Thank God, for God.  Thank God, for grace.

My prayer through this time was “please protect me from myself”.  Even though I lose faith, feel unconnected, if I can intellectually re-member myself with positive physical actions, and reading words that have helped in the past, then so far, I’ve gotten through, with the help of grace, everything I’ve ever manifested in my life, whether it was initially positive or negative.

Today I’m thanking myself for writing a positive focussed book on bipolar, so that I can help myself be a successful bipolar person.

Peace,

George





Focus

16 11 2009

Fast.

Bipolar fast, can be fun, if I’m prepared. I knew I would be walking into a fast day today, so I took a moment to be prepared.  Many fun and exciting things are happening as well as regular obligations I need to take care of.  I don’t really have a lot of time for idleness(one of my favorite past times).  What I’ve noticed is that it is easy for manic to kick in, ramp up the volume in my head and go way faster then is necessary.  I can also work fast, turn on idle chatter or narration, or connect with everyone, or comment on everything, or make jokes,  while I work.  Today, these are not helpful.

The biggest tool I use today, is focus.  What is happening right here, right now, what is the biggest priority.  Not 1 hr or 1 day from now, not what happened five minutes ago.  What is happening right here, right now, what is the current priority.

If I don’t know, I pause, breathe, think if I am thinking clearly, or write if I’m not.  Regain my focus and then launch again.

I also went to bed early, got up an hour earlier, and was sure to put on happy dance music straight up to get my mind in a fun flow.  I didn’t even give it a chance to think about the dramas and tribulations that occurred yesterday from travel.  I just got up, danced, and jumped into my day.

Now let’s back up; before I was willing able and aware of nurturing, taking care of and allowing my bipolar, I would have had a major blow out by now, been in full dark victim mode, possibly paralyzed in anxiety darkness or negativity overwhelmed in my chair, phone ringing, people trying to get a hold of me bigger mess building up, etc.

By purging yesterday, as best I could last night, and waking up gently today, observing my thoughts and injecting positive affirmations before my eyes even opened, I already had a head start.

The difference between dark victim mode, and ok let’s dance with this day mode, are actually fairly simple.  It’s more of a choice actually.  Yesterday in the middle of travel drama I was down a bit.  I picked up my positive daily reader, read a passage, and thought about it for 15 minutes before a flight, instead of allowing the negative spiral take me down.

Today I am grateful for being bipolar, because I was down, so hard, so long, for so many years, that because I am intimately  familiar with negative darkness in my mind, I’m much more able to quickly identify, and counteract the pattern, before it becomes disruptive.

Is being bipolar intense?  Yes.  At times.  It’s also a lot of fun to  have so many options and ways of tackling problems situations and opportunities.  Today, because of learning to be functional and having an awesome highly technical challenging job which can take me in many directions at once, I know, if I stay positive and functional, I’ll dance through just fine, and probably be able to accomplish a lot more, then if I wasn’t blessed with bipolar.

gotta go, big quick hug, peace,

George








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