?Self Trust? WTF?!!!

7 01 2017

silverbhuddaSo I had a conversation with a friend the other day about bipolar and selt trust. My response WTF??? I have never trusted my uneditied self. My mind is way too open my boundaries have all been violated by myself and others, I have no trust at all whatsoever, and yet I do. Certain people certian times, situations, I trust. Faith in a Concious Flow greater then myself, yes. Absolutely no, can’t bullshit you there, I have experienced plenty of couch druel time when God was no where near a concept I could trust much less believe in.

So this bold suggestion from her that I could actually trust myself has got me in quite a diddle. A bit grumbly diddle I might add. WTF I could begin to trust myself? It feels like my entire life my mind has been suggesting and convincing me to do really stupid shit, as well as talk other people into it not to mention dwelling in thoughts of suicide from time to time, when I’ve given up hope.

I even brought up a classic example of mania at a retreat one time and she had the audacity to point out she was there, had fun, and would trust me again to go on the adventures we came up with. How dare people trust me. This is just a bizarre concept to me. I’m serious, I’m trying to be funny sarcastic and blow it off, or come up with some twist, but I’ve gotta sit down and think about this seriously for awhile. Am I trustworthy? I’ve invested so much of my life taming and riding the bipolar monkey brain on my shoulder, that I’ve never bothered to review what and if I’ve made any progess. In fact it wasn’t until recently I started observing and measuring the stimilus and response to and of situations that trigger me. This is what led me to my first clue, that I may indeed may not be actively bipolar anymore. Holy shit!!!

Is that even possible? What about the “experts”, what about what about what about, and is it possible that I haven’t been for a couple years even????

Shit! I was so wrapped up in my identity of being bipolar, I forgot to invent a new identity, what if all this crap I’ve been preaching and practising about spirituality and self-regulation and slow gradual improvement over time is paying off, and actually true?

WTF! Inspite of my language I have actually been pretty calm at home and work for awhile now. Slightly on the depressive side, yet very manageble and functional, no need for meds(which I’ve never taken), or missed obligations, moments of laughter, adventure and fun happening even.

hmmm, maybe bipolar behavior is just an Illusion?

Silliness ROCKS!!!

2 03 2010

“…their true identity is grander than the troubles the world poses, and they teach more by joy than by words.”  Alan Cohen, A Daily Dose of Sanity. March 1st.

Wow!!!  my most favoritests topic!  Me hav bunches a favs but this gotsa to be a big’un.  Me, myself, and I have discovered humor, sillyness, outrageousness is availible 24/7 365.  Odds are if I allow myself to be goooooofy enough I can laugh at anything.  I love sticking my tonge out and fingers in my ears and wagging my tale all at the same time.  I love making sounds with my mouth like I’m driving a truck or race car.  I love dancing spontaeously for no particular reason with or without music.  I’m blessed with being bipolar in this way.  No matter how dark I’ve gotten at times, the light inside me has never extinguished, and sometimes in my darkest moments in the far reaches of the back of my cave, out bounces the goofy being that I am.  THANK GOD.   At first I used to ignore or poo poo this light being in me because I was busy being moody, grumpy, alone, depressed and desparate and beat up by life I didn’t need any silliness thank you very much I just sat and suffered.

UUUUFffda.  Fortunately my goofy self could never take no for an answer for very long.  In fact when I healed a bunch of childhood stuff, and discovered my happy inner kiddo I affectionately refer to as WALLY, then it was game on.  I made Wally the CFO in my head (Chief Fun Officer), I gave him carte blanche to interrupt my moody darkness in any way he saw fit whenever he felt like it.  I forgot about this and life moved on. I was in a funk one day, and WHAM, next thing I know I’m skipping along the sidewalk, jumping into the ocean when it’s way too cold and uncivilized, walking around in public fountains, buying super soakers giving one to a current friend then sneaking up on him  or her and getting in all kinds of trouble.  Just the other day Wally upgraded his gaming system to an xbox 360 and we both love the driving games. Vrooom, Vroooom, (oops Wally was taking a mouth break from writing)

The more I play, the less I focus on “THE LIST”, and “my problems”, the more I allow my inner kiddo to show me how fun just about anything (including work) can be, the happier I am.

Nowadays when I’m in my deep dark cave and Wally shows up, I love to listen and follow his directions.

Hokey Pokey’s to ya,

Wally and George

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