2 09 2009

“…, I use this extreme example of my demonstrated stupidity to illustrate the power of our minds.”

pg 27 of my book Living Out Of Darkness


Presence, is the biggest gift I am grateful for today from my life time engagement with bipolar.  I didn’t shoot out of the starting blocks with bipolar and being present.  I started out anything but present.  I was actually a poster child for ADD, multimess(my word for multitasking), etc.  Often highly distracted, easily irritated, arrogant and annoyed, all qualities I am comfortable with in my repertories and able to pull up at any time, as my ego sees fit.

But the hunger for connection with people developed into a quest, which led me to the discovery of metaphysics.  Along the way I was able to discover that not all people experienced a bipolar life.  Ok this may sound strange, let me illustrate this a bit.  Being bipolar all my life, my frame of reference was that everyone must be “high” one second, and down in the dumps the next, either on a moment by moment, daily, monthly cycle.  I had no idea, I was the one on the wild rollercoaster ride floating through a group of people that in comparison were relatively “stable”, or that drastic word, “normal”.  I still haven’t discovered a normal person yet, but I will use it as a comparison in contrast to the raw bipolar experience.

This discovery that I experienced incredible highs, and incredible lows, and that not everyone experienced life like this was very freeing.  In metaphysics, new age, human potential, etc workshops I figured out that one of the holy grails of spiritual journey, those moments of sheer emersion with spirit was a regular visit for me, got me to pondering.  I also discovered what people refer to as an occasional life transformation dark night of the soul, which I visited on a regular basis.  What I put together was, naturally I was experiencing, the holy grail of spiritual guest-being connected with spirit, and the life altering dark night of soul.

Transformation is the key word here.  By now I had been diagnosed with bipolar, and had run across the clinical definition of bipolar.  My transformation shifted when I altered my definition for manic, to that of a visionary and connected state when I saw all possibilities.  I altered my definition for low or drepressed state to dark night of the soul/life lesson/soul retrieval experience.  The key for success in being high was to stay grounded enough to not cause damage to my life or others, and to some how tangibly capture a glimpse of the experience such as a photo, drawing or writing.  In my low states I gathered all the spiritual tools I was learning such as meditation to seek out the gold somewhere in the dark cave my soul was lost in.

Over the years, with patience, I’ve cultivated from my highs and lows in this way.  The result has been a presence, which I am deeply grateful for.  All my crazy adventures in life have connected me with many walks of life/places/and people in the physical world.  All my journeys inside have given me a huge capacity for compassion; because of my failures, my walks in dark paths, and success I have gained from bringing visions to life.

So today, I am hugely grateful for Bipolar being my motivation to be present in my dance with life.

Thank you spirit for this day and all it’s gifts.


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