Flip it and Dig

4 03 2010

“I march forth to claim the best that life has to offer.”  Alan Cohen, A Daily Dose of Sanity, Mar 4th.

Yeahhhh! Go Alan, Go Alan, he shoots, he scores.  Right out of the park.  Thank you.  Most excellent reminder.  Today’s lesson could probably be tattooed on my forehead.

Lately I’ve been feeling fake, saying my lines, and not really connecting with the moment.  My head has chimed in with all sorts of extra clutter and stories about the whole situation.

So I’ve been flipping it.  I feel fake___I feel authentic/real/whole.  ok that’s nice George but you are still completely in your head, it’s crowded in here.

I put my hand on my heart.  I feel real.  Breathe.  I feel safe.  Breathe.  I feel ok.  Today is a good day.  Breathe.

The present is my most powerful moment today.  Marching forth with my writing, reading and study of Alan’s new book, and completing spiritually focussed course.  Breathing, hand on heart, I am OK.

weird self pipes up, I”m Marvelous Darling, grin.

I officially give myself permission to make mistakes, to be fake, unconnected, disorientated, uncentered and blah blah blah.

I officially give myself permission to restart my day at any moment.  Breathe, place my hand on my heart, and flip my self talk into positives.

Diggin the gold in me,

George





God Hugs

23 02 2010

“If we are disconnected from our Higher Power, we are vulnerable indeed, easy lunch for every beast that lurks in the darkness…When we remember that the power of God sustains us, we can conquer anything.”  from Alan Cohen’s new book A Daily Dose of Sanity.  Feb 20th

No thanks God I’ve got it covered from here, thanks for you help, life is going well. (this is where we insert the game show elevator music as we watch in suspense while George attempts to drive his life from the front of the bus).

an enevitable undetermined amount of time later…

Sometimes occurs in a dark cave of mind, some times on the edge of a cliff(still in the mind), sometimes metaphorically over the cliff and screaming,

uh, God,   GOD,  HELP!!!!!

To be clicheical, (new word I just invented), religion is for those who don’t want to go to hell, spirituality is for those who don’t want to go back or want to find their way back out again.

Currently I’m in a bit of what I like to call a spiritual boot camp.  So far a mild experience.  My folks are visiting.  In all fairness I deeply and dearly love them and all my wars and battles with them ended several years ago, and now we are in a deep enjoyable friendship, which is totally awesome and amazing.

And….the drama and trauma which occurs is completely in my head.

It’s amazing how spiritually lazy I can get, and ignore my daily routine and spiritual practices.  In one way it’s way cool that I’ve been able to create a life in which I enjoy a lot of peace serenity pace, and activity that I can almost evaporate into and not have to proactively make myself do spiritual practices.  Naturally I do meditate, read blurbs, exercise but not purposely or forcefully, and it’s easy to let it slip.

It’s amazing how quickly when I feel a little off center or numb, I gravitate without hesitation, get up shower, gi gong, read spiritual literature, write, meditate.

It’s also so comforting to know, without the slightest hesitation, that God, spirit, higher power, is availible.

I like the call the moment I receive spiritual connectedness and physical relief, God Hugs.

Today was awesome.  I was feeling neurotic, got up did my daily routine, and now I know my day stands a much better chance of enjoying my time with my beloved parents, and not letting my head drama get in the way of discovering a story I haven’t heard from them or a special moment of connection.

Healing is possible for ANYONE, God is availible, ALL THE TIME, take it from a recovering neurotic dark hole cave dweller like myself, peace is possible.

God Hugs to ya on this awesome day,

George





Higher Path

12 02 2010

“I choose the path that brings the deepest reward to me and everyone concerned.”  from Alan Cohen’s new book A Daily Dose of Sanity, February 12.

Alan talks about the four choices we can make after an event occurs.  Do we wish to be retaliatory, a victim, stoic, or seek a higher vibration.  This is an excellent lesson for me today.  This effects me on many levels.  I have several different views of myself inside; modes I can slip into without realizing it.  Justifiable anger is the often the easiest mode I can slip into.  I am angry because____.  This reminds me of _____.  Therefore I have every right to ____. (and perpetuate the cycle of darkness).  In victim mode, life is hopeless, it’s not my fault so moping and crying is all I need to do.  Wandering around with my diaper full and hoping to gain enough attention so someone will change it for me.  I am also excellent at stoic or what I like to call monk mode.  I surrender to the emptiness, the calamity and the inevitability of karma.  I am therefore I live, and x, y, z events must therefore happen.  Sometimes I call it drift mode.  I can do all my spiritual practices, and know I did what I could, and then just sit back and idle by coping with life as best I can.

And now for the Bonus round.  Seeking a higher path.  With bipolar, I can actively and at times simultaneously run around in the squirrel cage of my brain in all these modes, jumping from one to another as my mood shifts.  And yet sometimes, I manage to slow down enough, get out of the spin cycle, and seek a higher path.  Yes folks, I’m here to tell ya, even bipolar can be a gift, an opportunity, and a blessing in life.  It has been for me.

A higher path with bipolar started with thanking spirit for this unique mind and gift(even though I didn’t know what the gift was yet), and then actively looking for good in the experience.

The path to a higher life with bipolar was long and ardous for me yet the dividends I keep recieving, make it all worth while.

A major root of transformation from victim to healer with bipolar has been the active study of books by Alan and others like him over the years.  From the inside out, thought by thought, which resulted in positive acts, on a daily basis.  Unwiring the “I hate life”, mode to “wow, how cool is this, I can be naturally high without any drugs or expensive workshops, and I can survive dark nights of the soul and gain the insights and grow on a regular basis.  How freeing this is.”

I observe so many people that walk or bump through life, yet never feel great pain or ecstasy transform into real life lived inside of dreams/reality, or opened up inner life to roam and express more freely the joy of life itself.

A higher path in life may not be attractive, juicy, or have all the pizazz initially, yet the deep chuckle and first hand knowing of a person served deeply from a higher act, is deeply satisfying.

at your service,

George





A Daily Dose of Sanity

10 02 2010

A dark lonely troubled young man was given a copy of The Dragon Doesn’t Live Here Anymore, by Alan Cohen.  That young man found his way to a seminar, a weeklong program, and Alan’s other books.  What I discovered in that darkness, was the overwhelming gentle cloud that Alan is as a teacher and guide.  Almost twenty years later, I still attend his workshops, read his books, and receive his guidance.  Of all the discoveries I’ve made on my spiritual/metaphysical path, the words, gestures, and kindness of Alan, have altered the course of my life most profoundly.  No matter how much light, dark, cluttered headspace, or complete distraction I have shared with Alan over the years, he has always managed to hold up the mirror, so that I can more deeply profoundly see and appreciate listen to the wizard that I already am.  His most recent book, A Daily Dose of Sanity, is inspiring me to initiate another series of blogs.

Without the study and application of positive metaphysics in my life, my dance with bipolar would be more of a traditional label and downward spiral, as opposed to an upliftment, deepening, appreciation, and most importantly opportunity.

Todays affirmation:  As I fall in love with myself, I am in the perfect position to create a loving relationship.

This is perfect for me today.  As I journey away from a recent spiritual retreat with my teacher on life coaching, I let go of another layer of judgement about me, and let in another layer of affirmation of the beauty that I already am.  Recently I have been gently letting go a little more of a past love.  Today I tossed a favored hat/travel companion, back into the ocean, and watched the saltwater cleanse the memories, and woosh away the lingering of a memory I have dwelled in for a couple of years.  As I release the past, I am opening to the presence I have become in this time of deep solitude.  I no longer see myself seeking the perfect lover, or next soulmate, instead I feel myself relishing the soul opening that I am, and appreciate the next soul I get the pleasure of dancing with in any form it takes.  It may be brief and learning, or long and deepening.  Today I find I am ok again with the risk of loving another, knowing that I already cherish the uniqueness that I am.

This is new different and strange for me.  Instead of visualizing in advance and predesigning the next lover/soulmate/companion, I am trusting and opening to the universe to see and reflect in any form needed the next soul to play with as I circle closer and closer in the greater good.

My dose of sanity today, is to let go of my expectations, and open my soul to the next juicy opportunity of awakening.

Love you all,

George Denslow





Bipolar Rocket Science

10 01 2010

Yes Houston we have cleared for flight all systems functioning big ahh is being heard.  OHHH thank God mental phases pass.  Never ceases to amaze me how good my job is for me.  Bingo 2nd post of New Year and George has already lost it.  No seriously.  The routine of work is good for me.  I am completely open to retiring as a full time bum/speaker/blogger, yet and in between times, the discovery of a job I’m actually talented at and desire to get up early to do “spiritual” pushups, ie a little exe, Gi Gong, daily reader(with a positive focus), meditation.  I almost sprayed coffee again on a friend the other day when she said oh you are so spiritual and disciplined.  Hmm.  When a mental institution is in one corner of the ring, an alcohol and drug addiction which leads to cuddling up to dumpsters in another corner, and the ability to fly off the handle at any and all perceived idiots is in another corner, and behind door number 4;  Do these simple things everyday and you have a chance of being functional, and having preferred choice of activity on and off the job.  Uhh.  Hmm.  Walk around in a bathrobe and slippers behind bars, puking all over myself, yelling at anything, uh could you repeat option 4 please.  Yes, it’s called a daily routine.  Wakes up my body, mind, and spirit, and puts me on a path that leads to interacting in a semi sane way with most people and situations, and gradually leads me to improving the quality and options in my life.  Now add 20 years.  Nope, not disciplined and spiritual, just lazy.  I’ve discovered after much research in all corners of the ring, that taking care of myself, leads to a much lazier and enjoyable life.  Thank God for being bipolar today, so that I can cherish the simple and the profound gifts that have come to me from running from the dark results available with bipolar and into gifts which come from, spiritual practice.  KEY WORD HERE.  P-R-A-C-T-I-C-E.  What is it the black belts of 12 step say(I’m referring to the Al-Anon ers.)  Practice not perfection, raising a virtual toast to that one.  Which reminds me of an unmotivational poster I heard about yesterday that almost sprayed my second attempt at drinking coffee.  “Not all of us are capable of being astronauts, get over it”, well, fortunately for us bipolar types, we can rocket all around the place on and off demand at times, and when we teach ourself how to pilot our own minds in order to negotiate organic rhythms in our lives, then we too can see sights within beyond our wildest imaginations.

cruisin the good life,

George





Silly Season

16 12 2009

I peeks me head out and asks…is it over yet?

It’s been silly season time inside my head.  In the material world I have absolutely nothing to complain about.

In the other worlds in me, it’s been, …, interesting.

Overall I would rate the experience as good.

pg 20 in my book Living Out of Darkness, “It’s not important how many times I quit exercising, or how lazy I get.  What’s important is how many times I start again.”

same page “With Bipolar, we are going to have ups and downs.  The better we get at picking up after downs and focussing on what worked…”

Maybe I should just stop right here and read my book.  I’ve been ignoring it lately.

The uncomfortable times in bipolar can be difficult and baffling to walk through with those enjoying the gift as well as loved ones attempting to understand.

From the inside, for me, lately, it’s involved a lot of patience.  I haven’t been very willing to do the things I need to do to maintain an even keel or cheery attitude.  The insides have been a bit rapid cycling and bumpy.

And yet.

My holistic non medicated approach to bipolar all these years, when I’m on vacation(like I have been), sometimes I let it all hang out for a bit.  I let my mind and emotions wander, and see what they uncover and discover.  Sometimes it’s comfortable, sometimes not.

I have noticed my rawness lately hasn’t been nearly as hairy scary as that last time i took a vacation from “doing everything”.

I also notice a deeper, more satisfied peace, all the bugaboos, and ugliness my ego and mind tried to come with regarding how I was this or that in a negative light, have failed and faded.

I can’t help but think that some of the muck, attempting to cover up my light and mental stability, has evaporated a little bit more.

My tools for the day/last 3 weeks/or whenever it was I last blogged, have been patience(just sitting), and letting go(breathing), spending as much time as I can out doors, on my bike, driving somewhere.

The other day I was in a funk and needed to get stuff done to go back to work, and it was obivious two people were wandering around in different directions in my body, so I got on my bike in the sun to an excellent salad place, took my journal to write out priorities/clear out headspace/ and figure out what was most important to do next.

By the time I got back to the house I was more focussed for awhile.

To anyone else who may feeeeeel the silly season, as a mixed blessing, I’m with you.  We’ll get through this, and my favorite holiday is coming…A WHOLE NEW YEAR, Wow!

Blessings,

George





Miracles Happen

2 12 2009

It never ceases to amaze me the power of prayer.  Yesterday I was slowly creeping out of a dark time on the inside that lasted about two weeks.  After a long prayer in the shower, and completing my daily routine, I was able to be a little bit functional with my passion of sharing the good of bipolar.(which is kinda difficult if I ain’t living the dream in the moment).  After a little bit of sucess, I was able to do a few more details.  The energy and the miracle of the day, came from the passion and truth that I am living.  Even though I started the day dark and muddy, I ended the day on a very clear happy energy.  In fact after connecting with a coaching club I’m involved with, I was so clear, I just had to go howl at the moon on a full moon bike ride(one of my top ten favorite things to do).

It never ceases to amaze me, how dark, how down, how lost, open and empty I can get, and how quickly Grace can restore me to full clear happy functioning and serving in ways I am uniquely created to serve best.  It just keeps getting better.

So many gratitudes, so many tools to share today.

The biggest was being willing to get on my knees yesterday, and ask for help.  It came in many big ways.

The most incredible and enjoyable was connecting with a conscious group of like minded friends who share a passion for helping others through life coaching.

My most favorite, was once my energy cleared allowing my passion to propel me around in the dark on my bike and feel the joy that emenates from me after a dark time has cleared.

“Problems are awesome, because the solutions can endlessly give dividends.”

Still Howling, eagerly anticipating sunset to ride again…and it may even be stormy!

George








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