Dark Joy

1 08 2010

“I’ve discovered through brutal trial and error that my sanity is merely the edge of my ego.” George Denslow.

Another close friend called and said, “I’m on my edge, I’m looking over my own mental cliff,”(paraphrased) I smiled and felt joy.   Why?  I’m bipolar, been there, done that, have the training, and I’m here to help. Bigger than that, I love it when people get desperate and are at the edge of their sanity.  I’ve discovered through brutal trial and error that my sanity is merely the edge of my ego. I couldn’t tell you how many times I’ve slipped over the edge, lost hope and dwelled for years (at times) or moments in the hopeless darkness.  So why do I love it now? Grace.

When I, the ego, completely lets go, and maybe as I head out the gate think, what if I give that person, book, friend, phone, prayer, knees, etc one more try?  (It doesn’t seem to matter who or what it is, all that matters is giving up, and trying one last time).  Miracles happen, again and again and again.  Now maybe there are “normal” people in the world without such huge egos, and reserves of stubbornness such as myself that can surrender sooner to the power of good available to all of us, I just know it has been my process for many years.  I’ve taken life to the absolute limit of my current sanity, given up, and given one last hail mary chance act for sanity and been rewarded with grace.  This is why I laugh wiggle and get excited when some has reached the end of their darkness, and are sincerely seeking their path back to light.

After years of attempting to live in my own limited darkness, and now a regular resident in my light, I can dance and play with the dark ones.  I do my best to distract them from their dark, and listen patiently for them to share their next step back to light.  I don’t know why it works this way, I just know it does and I’m grateful.  If you are in your dark today, be of good cheer, you might actually be closer than you think, of surrendering once again to your own light.

Laughing at the ego monsters dancing in their dark,

George





Attendant or Patient???

6 05 2010

“I journey from good to better to best.”  Alan Cohen, A Daily Dose of Sanity.  April 5th

I needed this reminder today.  The message in Alan’s lesson about apparent setbacks may actually be steps forward.  Lately I’ve been giving myself a lot of grief about “opportunities” that have arrived in my life.  I did a lot of research today about possible causes, what is my part etc.  Of course Louise Hays looked me right between the eyeballs and informed me of what I already knew, and I was once again amazed how a very familiar and dusty book could help me realize exactly what I needed to hear/see in me today.

So I went for a cruise on my bike in a favorite park.  Saw a big black snake, a bunny rabbit, and a plethora of tiny crabs.  I’ll look up the animal signs later.

It’s been a day of reflection, a little bit of fear, and some clear the shit shelf conversations with higher power.   Ok God…I’m here, this is what scares me, this is what frustrates me about me, and I’ll acknowledge you are a power greater then me and if anything can help me you can.  After I write this I wonder if this is unusual conversation for some people, yet I know this is not too uncommon for me.  I have a high tolerance for my own mental b.s. yet little tolerance for physical emotional spiritual pain when it manifests at a level I can no longer avoid.  Which is when I find myself realigning with truths that I know have led me to freedom (example, get on knees and share till empty then sit and allow) This is when the frustrated with me for being me kicks in.  I get to a certain point of emotional or in to me see; levels and then I run.

At this point I was grateful I took a long bike ride because I was able to gain the bigger picture of yes, I seem to have conquered xy&z lessons, yet ABC lessons in life can still kick me in the …

So I read Alan’s words of wisdom and know for this moment that even though I don’t currently see the divine outcome of all this, I know from past experience, it’s possible.

Asylum attendant/patient,

Signing off,

George

p.s. May God continue to bless us all including our quirks, habits, and frustrations.





Choosing positive

16 04 2010

“This experience taught me that wherever I am, God is.  I am always taken care of, often in ways I could not control or plan.”  Alan Cohen.  A Daily Dose of Sanity, April 15th.

This is an excellent passage that Alan wrote for today.  It is a story of need, letting go, and being provided for by the natural abundance of the universe in a way he couldn’t have planned.

I’m finding fear and insecurity, and subsequent old behaviors cropping up as I slip back into my work role for the month.

My technique for the day has been to discover what I’m feeling:  insecurity.  Flip it(what do I want to feel=security, safety, confidence, faith).

Instead of identifying my mind and thoughts with what I’m currently actually feeling(fear).  I’m affirming what I want to feel.

In other words the dialogue I’m creating and tuning into through out my day in the back of my head is.

“I feel safe, I feel secure, I feel ok.”  Immediately as I just did this, my body took a deep breath and released it.

This is the miracle of using our minds to create what we really want and need.

Yes, I can let my mind continue to spin in the negative direction it was going when I woke up, OR,

I can identify what I really want to feel, and affirm it, until I do.

I feel peace, I feel calm, I feel ok, I feel release.

Over and over and over.  And it’s working.

This is how I live and deal with the negative racing thought mental spin cycle that shows up in me from time to time with bipolar.

A toolbox of ideas and techniques I’ve been shown or discovered over the years to altar my current mental direction usually before it gets out of hand, and choose/create a future direction and present experience which is much more to my liking.

The passage Alan wrote today is huge for me, because it reminds me it’s not all about me, providing for me.

Even though it would appear the universe thinks I’m strong enough to deal with my current mental opportunities, the universe is also giving me a gentle reminder through Alan’s story of being provided for in unexpected ways, that what I truly need, always shows up.

What I need today, in order to stay in a positive mental direction:

I feel safe, I feel secure, I feel ok.  Breathe.  I feel safe, I feel secure, I feel ok…

Breathing, Releasing, focusing/choosing good outcomes,

George





Bipolar Rage, Happy this.

29 03 2010

It’s daze like today, the bewildering aspects of bipolar-disorder could easily lead me to medication.

It’s days like today, my years of experience with bipolar journey, doing everything holistically I can to ride the monster, and knowledge that this too shall soon pass, that keep my body free of chemicals, and allow me to discover the spiritual lessons and triggers that are causing this rage.  Split seconds here and there I’m gaining clues as to what set me off, and what I can do about it.  It’s also having lots of compassion for my high speed mind today, to know I just need to take some mental notes like these so that when I do calm down slow down enough I can reevaluate, what’s really, really going on.

I woke up refreshed did my daily routine, yoga, meditation(it was deep and wonderful today), cup of tea, walked to work.

1 hr later, I am in a rage(so far interally, no verbal or email bursts with permanent damage).

It’s one of those but for the grace of God daze.  With a little more prodding or lack of grace, my audio circuit(voice) and or fingers(emails) could get me into a lot of trouble.

Humorously I call this male pms.

So George what are you doing about it?????

Breathing, rage spin cycle between ears.  Fully appreciating friends that are calling and interrupting my head spin cycle.

Ok that’s great George, what else can you do.

Drink more water, stomp my feet, go for a walk outside, rearrange schedule a little for work stuff with less people, good good good,

NOW, George, go do it.

still here?

I hear ya buddy, it’s just not an easy day is it?

It’s ok.  You’ve made it to half time(noon).  Now we can carefully design this afternoon to the best of our ability, take lots of breaks, turn off the computer, phone, and just focus on hands working on something outside.

My key for success with bipolar and a job today:

Flexibility in schedule and skill set with hands, vital.

Peace,

Thank you for the hugs today,

George





Peace in Silver Clouds

17 03 2010

“Emotionally, I express love by forgiving myself and others, by releasing attachments to the past and holding hope for the future.” From the Daily Word by Unity.  March 17 2010.

As I slip deeper and deeper into a well of peace inside of me it’s sometimes easy to forget how I allowed my well within to fill.  I was so distraught by the way I perceived the world around me, so many problems in me around me, so much suffering that I saw.  I even got to the point many times where I just wanted to take on all the suffering I could and just end it all, and take the pain away with me so that no one else had to suffer.

When bipolar has high visions of possibility followed by lows of perception about the vast emptiness, it is easy for sensitive empathetic bipolars to end up with this view.

It wasn’t until I was gradually introduced to a positive view of life, that I began to have hope.  One of my roots of positivity, manifesting good, and become a person able to overflow and serve others, was Unity Church.  What I locked on to was the Daily Word publication they put out and their Silent Unity service.  I never stuck around any one particular area long enough or attended the church services very often, but I always kept a pocket sized Daily Word handy, and the 800 number to call their 24/7 365 prayer service.  I don’t identify myself as a Christian, but I do identify with their positive view of life.

My journey out of the pit of hell, was inch by inch at times but now as I look back and have forgotten and let go of so much of it, every bit was worth it, in order to appreciate the peace I have now.

Bipolar led me to the highs I didn’t understand, and through the lows that seemed to last forever.  Positive metaphysics, helped me helped myself alter my views in a way in which I can see the good in most situations and people as a mere opportunity to create what we want, and discovering what we really want, and than learning how to pass on what we have learned.

Whispering gratitude today,

George





Uniqutivity

7 03 2010

“I do not need to prove myself to anyone or change to fit others expectations.”  Alan Cohen, A Daily Dose of Sanity, March 7th.

Can I have an Amen to Alan Cohen today?

“…have faith in yourself and your process.  Then you will not have to tremble before God, for God will embrace you right where you stand.” , Alan Cohen, A Daily Dose of Sanity, March 7th.

Unique/Creativity= Uniqutivity.  It’s a new word day!

After they finished breaking the mold that I was brewed in they didn’t bother making a form that I could fit back into, THANK GOD!!

Here here for unique individuals that dare roam this earth seeking paths, which a byproduct is other’s cause to pause and reflect on the box.  Is there a box?  Box?  What box?

It is sheer determination to be me, no matter what, that has led me into, out of, and through so many challenges in life, and come up with so many unique solutions.  It is also what bonded me so closely to positive metaphysics when I discovered them from Alan Cohen and Unity, so many years ago.  I knew something was haywire in my brain, but I also had a belief in myself that I was this way for a reason.  It was through spiritual teachers like Alan that cheered me on in person and through written word that I was able to discover, hey guess what???  Newsflash:  Bipolar can actually be an incredible life altering ongoing daily spiritual journey.  Yes, drop the dis-order, seek the order, and better yet seek the opportunity your uniqueness is.  Whoa George sounds like you are on a soapbox.  Ok, Ok, I am.  I just want to share how important today’s lesson is.  If your current life is not fitting, please keep an open mind to the possibility of attracting or creating a life that is awesome beyond your wildest imagination.  Please keep the faith in your own individuality, and the power of a positive benevolent force, which is constantly conspiring for your good.  A big truth I discovered early on with this lesson was that anyone, anywhere, at anytime, can have a personal relationship with a positive power greater than themselves.

Be Free!

George





Bipolar Blend

3 03 2010

“I am here for a mighty purpose.  I remember the broader view as I take care of details.”  Alan Cohen, A Daily Dose of Sanity, March 2.

“Big picture small, betwixt the two shall meet, a walker of light dark journey, I travel to in with the Sun, I seep in the stillness of dArk.  I dance in the midst of big small connection unity, ahh the joy of bipolar blend.” George Denslow, Mar 2.

How do I capture this moment of joy?  This moment of sheer ecstasy when I feel like the joy of showing bipolar journey as GOOD, is so close.  I got goose bumps when I read today’s journey-Lesson.  I guess today’s lesson is the journey of my life, illustrating the awesomeness of the bipolar opportunity.  There is always a big picture; there is always a small picture.  Being bipolar, learning to clear my energy, honor my rhythm, and living my vision, has led to exquisite moments when I see walk around in comprehend blend dance immerse in the big/small picture.  Sometimes words flow, sometimes words would detract.  Some times the doors out of the “normal” agreed upon “reality” open and I see big small past, and potential big small future.  I can see big small in the eyes of souls all around me.   This immensity, this joy, this grandeur I have discovered scares the **** out of people who fear the immensity and power of possibility.  When bipolar blends into these moments when all assumption is cast aside for the moment, I’m higher, and lower, and inside.  These moments are what bipolar people have been painting, writing, creating, dancing, talking, and meditating all these years.  The sheer utter joy and ecstasy of open mindedness, there are highs, there are lows, and there are these times of all three blended.  Such a beautiful gift, thank you God.

Alan’s lessons, have led me to this experience and this point in my life, when I get to play in these moments more and more often.  When all is truly well, when I can see, move, act, and listen.  Big picture yes.  Big picture is what I ground in when I am high, so that when I’m low I can hang on to the rope attached to BIG me, and pull through the darkness while lost in smallness.  Smallness I use when big is overwhelming and out of control.

Bipolar perspective and experience is not all negative by any means.  It can be a joy, an immersion, and intense depth of human insight into life, our lives, and connection with loved ones beyond our wildest imagination.

Thanks for letting me play with expressing a joy in the bipolar journey,

George








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