Shame Lock…Release

24 10 2013

SoulvelutionI’m undoing a shame lock in this moment.  “Delusions of grandeur”.  I would like to reframe this, and remove stigma.  I am a visionary.  I see that which is possible.  I struggle with bringing it to reality.  It is the struggle, which brings me peace.  If I were to stop at delusion.  Cut the soul sight before grandeur is given a chance, what a horrible world I/us/we would be.  Grandeur is the potential of past visionaries we are now living.

Shame, locks us up internally, and rips grandeur to delusion.

Unlocking shame inside can/is brutal at times.  Easy path hide.  Harder path, create, no matter what.

I turn my grandeurs into reality, with one simple habit.

Positive daily routine.

Currently my family is dealing with parental life stage transitions.  Many conversations, many stirred up monsters and demons, PTSD reactions etc.

My past me, the one locked in shame and delusions of grandeur, would hide in my bed, and watch the horror 24/7 family news cycle in my head.

The me of many years, trusts creativity, soul work, emolution(new word), and getting on with life, no matter what.

How I do this is simple.  Coffee today, taking stock of life, oh-I have family obsession cycle running in my head, mental note, must create and publish in some way cutting edge of soul, TODAY!!!

This is what turns my delusions into realities.  Devoting ten minutes or more of concrete action on current soul creative edge, ESPECIALLY when feeling obsession or shame or “too busy”.

Living my souls edge, keeps me ok inside, thru it all.  Good times for me, are now defined by what’s new news inside, and enjoying it outside.  The best physical things in my life, came thru me, because of carefully working towards them.

Any level of sanity, functionality, enjoyment, come from a commitment to paying attention to what is quiet and still, and THEN taking action.

Soul ON!

George

P.s. Emolution- the evolution of my emotions into creative realities.





Emotional Ahh

20 10 2013

ImageI am not the extreme of my past.  I am not the extreme mental and physical choices I made to cope/interact with the chaos around and inevitably in me.

Was my past since birth totally of my creation?

If not, do I have to prescribe my entire life to it’s chaos?

What if I’m actually a calm happy creative sane functional human, temporarily held hostage by the creation and wreckage of my first 20 years, and recovery from?

As I settle once again, from another emotional hurricane, I relish in the choices I’ve made to create calm functionality in my life to return to.  None of it happened instantly.  Yet it is possible.  Yes I deal with all kinds of anxious moments, activities, etc.  But there is a calm overwhelming routine to return to.  It used to be externally only.  I followed a calm path offered by others for years in hopes of it working.

My prayer today, is to encourage, all those choosing calm routines, in spite of current internal or external chaos, to continue their journey, no matter what.  If peace is possible for me, than I hold hope for you.

george





Anxious Not?

9 10 2013

ImageIs my anxiety me, or is it a circumstance?

Is my anxiety me, or is it a learned survival identity?

Is my anxiety temporary, or permanent?

Is the root of my anxiety a coping mechanism for a temporary traumatic situation, gone viral?

When I first discovered/acknowledged anxiety in me and all of it’s flavors, manifestations/forms.  I wanted to deny it, like I had all along, with action, distraction, chaos and food.

When I began acknowledging studying, healing etc., believe it or not, anxiety diminishment occurred.

In the peak of engulfment of learning/being in my anxiety, I answered the first questions as, yes I am an anxious person by nature and always have been.

In the post of my years of learning self care, protection, nurturing, creating, I can acknowledge, no, I’m not an anxious person.

Yes the recipe of my life was an anxious creation, yet the conscious living of my life since, has lead to a calm endeavor, rich with serenity, I bit of chaotic and growth spice, followed by calm seas.  Each helping define the other.

In July, for the first time in my life I declared I was a calm sane, “normal” individual left up to my own devices by nature.  Since then I’ve dealt with a series of work and life storms that have invited me back to “I’m just a crazy person”.

NEWSFLASH to my soul:  I’ve ridden the storm, discovered underlying causes, and declare once again, I’m sane.

This is huge for me, because I rarely felt that as a kid, and never as an adult since I was locked up for 5 weeks at 17.

My adult life, began in a state run psychiatric institute.  Go figure, I’ve been driven by the anxiety of being officially labelled crazy, and the fear of being locked up again, ever since.

Thank God, I chose to believe, I wasn’t junk, I was created this way for a reason, and that I would and have find a way to live autonomously, with the gifts that I am.

I never, ever, in 25 years since I was released from the mental institute, think I could consider myself sane, and normal.

Miracles Happen,  I know this, because I am one.

If I can figure a way out, maybe my words can be of service to the next individual willing to wrought their way out of their inner angst.

peace,

George Denslow





Bipolar Angst

7 10 2013

BPAngst“We can see how people dream and succeed in life; we can also completely sympathize   with people walking the dark and lonely roads of hopeless failure.”  pg 6, Living Out of Darkness.

I wrote this in the beginning of my book about the bipolar disorder journey.  It’s an alternative definition I’ve come up with to attempt describing the big picture experience of being consciously bipolar.

Training oneself with spirituality, positive metaphysics, etc, can help understand and work with managing the mania phase.

Deep sober, prayer and meditation, can lead to expanding comprehension of human experience while physically filled with dark emotion.

These two methods combined over time to deal with the mania and depression, can lead to the conscious bipolar experience.

Conscious bipolar individuals don’t just intellectually analyze the facts of anything. We can experience first hand direct physical emotional/soul/spirit/ connection with facts and humanity. The immensity of this experience without internal or external tutelage, leads to the blow outs in behavior.

On one hand, I can/could/have, blame my family for everything,

On the other hand, knowing what I know now, about their upbringing in challenging times, the nature of the individuals that they are, combined with the in depth experience a bipolar life has allowed me, I could never blame them or me for anything.

Experiencing the extreme highs/lows, depth of life, separately, mixed, and intimately within one’s body allows an opening for healing.

When I can truly feel another’s pain, and potential, in my own body, I can also nurture hope and potential.

This is tricky.  It is the gift and burden of bipolar angst.  Do we run from the highs and lows and act out?

Do we stick around long enough to experience both?

Do we embody what we feel, and still choose conscious positive potential actions?

g





Happy Highs

4 10 2013

Image 1“Defining the line between what is a healthy high and at what point the line has been crossed is the art form of being consciously bipolar.” pg 77 of my book Living Out of Darkness.

Happy Day, Happy Boy, ruff ruff, wanna run run run.  So I did, sort of, I rode.  Managing Happy highs can be at times just as perilous as extreme lows.

Today was not a good day to pull out the credit card and go online shopping.  The current obsession with crystals was tempting, but I resisted.  In the past, not so much.  I was way to ADD, in a good way to calm down, so I went with it.  Jumped on my bike to go check the mail, which entailed a 10 mile bike ride.

Happy Highs —-> Exercise!  (in moderation).

Yes it is annoying, exercise but not too much, stay away from wallet, watch the mind spin, etc.

But.  I’ve stayed healthy and thoroughly enjoyed my day.  The exercise endorphins have kicked in, Mozart is blasting way, and looking forward to a good swim later.

Peace!!!

geo





Tears Heal

1 10 2013

Tears

When I gently guide myself thru a rough patch, tears can be a good sign.

?

Yesterday Rocky today tears?

Yup.

When I’ve been thru a stretch of high stress work or life, and my mind is on obsessive spin cycle, or sleeplessness, etc., tears can sometimes indicate, i’m getting ok again.

When I learned how to be crazy as a child, I learned a “survival identity”.

Stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about.

As an adult it is much easier to ignore mental pain, and just get on with reality, take care of work/life/family demands to provide food and shelter.

But what if the crisis ends, if real world demands drop off a bit, and I actually have a moment to breathe, or allow myself a moment to catch up internally?

I usually go thru phases, get thru the stress, spin down, sleep, have a really good day, and then anxiety hits.

This is a tricky slope in dealing with mental waves, bipolar disorder, and continuous sobriety.

The anxiety, after a really good day, after a series of really bad daze, needs to be dealt with carefully, inside out.

First I acknowledge it.  Yesterday, nothing was wrong in my world, but I felt squirrelly.  It would have been easy to make a lot of unhealthy choices.

It would have been easy to dismiss it and get busy with anything.

When I have the luxury of time, to breath in my anxiety, I do.

Why?!!!

Overtime, years in fact, of this practice, has lead to a deeper calm inside, less of a reaction to stressful situations while they happen, less need for poor choices in situations I want to run from etc.

Tears, are an indicator, I feel safe enough to feel, and safe enough to decompress, and catch up with unprocessed sensitivity, reactions, visceral response to human experience in a mechanically operated, automated, corporate environment, techo fast world.

How natural is it for us to be human in our fast paced society?

How natural is it to be human, bottle up stress, and stuff it with more busy-ness?

Tears can heal, if allowed a moment to breathe.

George





Alaska Sisters, Rock!

30 09 2013

AKSista2

My monthlong ordeal of fearing an event at work has passed.  THank God, and an awesome Alaska Sister!

I wish all of us could have a tough chick, REAL run/camp with wolves Ak sister.  In the heat of battle when my butt was kicked by day 1 of a 2 day from hell work event.  I called my sister.  She listened, encouraged, and then got to it.

You have a smartphone?

…yeah,?

download rocky theme,

?

go to treadmill and walk till you drop,

sleep,

wake up, do it again,

Yeah.  She saved my butt again.  Reminded me I’m human, a good person in-spite of current external events, and to pick my butt up and keep going forward, cause and she quoted me this time, “I’m too stupid to quit.”

I did.  Downloaded Rocky, stayed in motion till sleepy, got up at 3am when anxiety mind woke up, and got back on treadmill.  Second day went much better.

Bipolar Disorder Sucks!!!

Sisters, trusted loved ones, that I can call in times of need and otherwise, ROCK!

Life is guaranteed to continue kicking my butt from time to time.  I can either join in the fray of finishing me off with my own mind, or use it to reach out to someone more clear headed, to kick my whimpering butt back on track to deal with reality as it is happening.

I’ve run.  Don’t get me wrong.  I’ve quit and run screaming into the dark night 1,000 of times for years at a time, but so far, I’ve also picked my mind and body back up again, at least one more time, and kept going.

Bipolar Dis-Order SUCKS!!

Bipolar-Order, Rocks!

Day one my butt was kicked, I was as prepped as could be but became overwhelmed.

Day two, with the night time ring side coaching by AK Sister, Bipolar Order, kicked in.  Because my mind did it’s thing in hyper mode all night, I probably analyzed the situation at a far superior rate than a “normal” mind.  Came up with a plan, and executed it perfectly.

We can choose to cooperate, nurture, support, protect, our wonderful Lamborghini Brains, or assist in their self destruction.

I know not all people on the planet are able to have 100% Alaska Sister in their corner of their mental boxing ring, but it sure would solve a lot of problems.

Chin up,

George








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